The Popularity Trap

A little while ago, I was browsing FetLife from my personal account. I read a writing from someone I know locally. In it, this person discussed their introduction into the public BDSM scene. The piece discussed meeting someone quite popular in the local scene, who had greeted them and offered advice as to folks who would be good for a new person to hang around with and other folks who – for various reasons – a new, fresh, young person might want to be a little more cautious around.
The writer went on to describe becoming intimately involved with one of the people she was “warned’ about and how happy they both are now. Then the piece mentioned that the “popular” person who gave the initial advice is no longer active in the local community. The writing quickly took on a rather condescending tone, more or less saying, “Look! They’re gone and I’m still around!!”
It was basically like a claim to being “kind of the mountain.”
I happen to know the person they were speaking of. And, I happen to know that the person met someone they fell in love with and moved to another state, where there is very limited number of active kinksters. Therefore, it’s understandable that they would now be “gone” from the local community they originally were a part of. It doesn’t mean that they were banished or ran off in shame.
This is one big reason that Mistress Oasis and I are no longer “in the scene.” The community I used to love so much and that felt like a safe escape from the outside world has pretty much become the outside world. Personality conflicts, popularity contests, character assassination, pettiness, drama, political strife – it has all infected this community.
Originally, my main reason for getting away from the public scene is that Mistress Oasis and I discovered that our dynamic and our play grew and improved by leaps and bounds when we practiced these things in private. With no one around to model what our relationship “should” be, and no overt popularity contests playing out in front of us, our attention and focus turned decidedly inward – toward us.
As Mistress Oasis and I played more and more in private – away from loud, booming music…away from raucous, drunken laughter and loud voices all competing to be heard – we found a magical, sensual place where our connection flourished and thrived.
In 2016, during the height of the last presidential election, the dark underbelly of social media really revealed itself in all its ugliness. Both Mistress Oasis and I had lifestyle friends (who were actually friends in real life) who became simply vicious toward us because we didn’t share their political ideas. We were called all sorts of disgusting names and eventually had to end those friendships (both online and in real life.) What upset us the most was that these people were willing to accuse us of thinking and believing things that were absolutely false – all because they disagreed with us politically. And they knew these accusations to be false because they knew us. That little fiasco really woke us up, and we became less and less active in online interactions. We realized that it was yet another petty popularity contest we were competing in.
Most recently, I’ve even reduced my use of social media in attempting to market my books. Again,  it seemed that rather than simply enjoying my relationship and lifestyle with my Mistress, I was constantly competing for views and clicks. I was checking my blog starts several times a day,  checking book sales,  checking “likes” and “loves” and building strategies to get more. Why? My book sales are fine. I realized I was stressing out over something that really didn’t matter.
Here’s my bottom line: Do you love this lifestyle? Don’t let social media slime it up for you. If you need Fetlife and social media to help you meet your soul-mate, by all means use it. But, as I point out in my book, “FemDom Dating,” FetLife and social media are not the lifestyle – only a part of it. If you find someone who fits your needs, focus on them. Focus on your relationship with them. And there is nothing wrong with stepping back from FetLife, Twitter and other social media. You’d be amazed how your BDSM relationship can flourish when you turn your attention and energy toward each other and away from the cyber world.
Slave Dragos, author of the two books below, is a full-time male submissive living in the USA. He is owned and employed by Mistress Oasis, who runs an international business. Dragos has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle since the late 1980s and continues to thrive today in his role as a male sub. 

Are You Entitled to the Luxury of a Domme?

I want to give proper credit to @SinCityGrrl for a tweet that served to stir my brain ,and give me the idea for this article.

In her tweet, @SinCityGrrl says “Sex workers provide a luxury service. You are not entitled to us. If you can’t afford it – too bad.”

Upon reading the full tweet, and some of its 45 comments, I started thinking, “Wow, this sounds a lot like what Dommes (professional as well as lifestyle) say about ‘subs’ online.” One of the comments even mentioned guys who call and request an escort, and when she arrives, they say, “Oh, I cannot afford X … but since you’re already here, can you do me for Y?'” (Lower price.)

When I read that, I thought, “Damn, are these professional women or used cars?” I’ve known several Pro-Dommes personally, but have never actually procured the services of a “sex worker.” I’ve always assumed that it was just understood – the professional names a price, and the client pays it. I never imagined that there was “haggling” going on.

Reading on through all the comments – many from other sex workers – it hit me. The words “luxury” and “entitled” kept getting repeated.

In my book, “FemDom Dating,” I keep circling back to a common theme. What I teach submissive men is to set aside the “Fantasy Dominatrix” image and the sexual ideas when approaching Dominant women, and approach them as human beings – seeing them for the people that they are in daily life first. Most men tend to see a Domme’s profile, focus on the racy pics and the fetish list, and approach her as the high heeled, leather clad, whip wielding cartoon character in their sexual fantasies.

This tweet served to shine a light on something else that is present in their approach – “entitlement.”

Many guys approach Dommes (and yes – they approach female subs, too) as if they are entitled to the attributes and talents that these women possess. I think most women on FetLife and the various kinky dating sites can agree with me. Most messages – even the ones that just say “HI” come off as – “Hi, I see you’re a Domme (or a sub, or slave, or whatever). When do we get started?

In fact, these messages and approaches almost reek of – “Okay, you say you’re a Domme. You wrote that you enjoy x, y, and z. You posted pictures of your tits. You got me turned on. Now you owe it to me to interact with me on that level.

Kinky companions (Dommes especially) are indeed a luxury, guys.

You know, if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly at least twice a day, clean water to drink, and clothes on your back – you’re doing a shitload better than a very large segment of the world’s population. (I know personally… I spent considerable time in a war-torn African country. If you have a computer to read this stuff – you’re doing quite well in life.) Everything else is really a luxury when you think about it. Things we take for granted – indoor running water, a job, a car, spare money, the internet – are all extras that nature did not choose to automatically supply us with.

And, at the very top of the great luxury pyramid sit our unique sexual desires. BDSM is one of the most unique. BDSM activities do not come naturally. They take trust, knowledge, and skill. And yet, so many men set up online profiles and start messaging women as if those women owe it to them to participate in whatever they suggest. Isn’t that crazy?

Have you ever wondered why men refer to having sex as “getting lucky?” Because it’s not easy to get there!! Why should winning a Domme over be any different? No Domme has ever created a profile and posted photos and writings with you specifically in mind. And, isn’t finding someone who’s kinky desires match your own a luxury indeed?

If you don’t see it as a luxury, try the vanilla dating world for awhile. After a night in the sack with a vanilla girl  (lol…or even better, BEFORE you’ve had sex the first time), tell her that now you’d like to be tied up, beaten, etc – whatever your particular submissive fantasies are. If talking to a Domme – at the WORST, she would perhaps negotiate with you as to what things she’s willing to do and what she isn’t. But, it would be a calm, non-judgmental discussion. Most vanilla women would look at you with polite disgust and quickly take their leave – probably blocking your number from their phone shortly after getting in their car.

So, are Dommes and Mistresses luxuries? You’re damned right they are!
Are you entitled to what they have to offer? You are a fool to think so. Even once you establish a relationship – you are never really entitled.

I am owned and collared by Mistress Oasis. She is in love with me. And even those realities do not entitle me to the things she does on a D/s or S/M level. I earn those things on a daily basis with my words, actions, and mindset. And, if you think that “earning” equates to me being naked, collared, and doing house chores all day – you’re still in fantasy land. It’s earned by attitude, emotional investment, communication, and devotion to her as a person, even when I’m fully clothed and wandering about in the vanilla world with her. So, you see, even as a collared sub who lives this thing 24/7 – her dominance, her sadism, her command of me are all luxuries – extras that make my life a dream come true.

So, think about that before you start typing that next “Hi” message. Rather than excitedly fantasizing about what she can to to satisfy your submissive cravings, ask yourself how you will earn the luxury of having a friendship with this person. You might be amazed at how your luck changes.

Find more direct, honest, and effective advice like this when you purchase my book “FemDom Dating” – available on Amazon and other online book retailers. $4.99 Ebook / $9.99 Paperback

Get “FemDom Dating” HERE

 

Also from slave dragos – “Energy and BDSM” – After the orgasm, have you ever felt like BDSM could be so much more – but you just don’t know how to get there? Most people get into kinky play to “spice up” their sex lives. This book explains how to take the BDSM experience WAY beyond sexual. An orgasm lasts for seconds. I explain how to achieve a D/s or S/M “high” that can last for days! Create a stronger bond with your BDSM partner. Find depths within yourself that you didn’t know existed. Discover just how deep the rabbit-hole goes!!

Get “Energy and BDSM” HERE