The Popularity Trap

A little while ago, I was browsing FetLife from my personal account. I read a writing from someone I know locally. In it, this person discussed their introduction into the public BDSM scene. The piece discussed meeting someone quite popular in the local scene, who had greeted them and offered advice as to folks who would be good for a new person to hang around with and other folks who – for various reasons – a new, fresh, young person might want to be a little more cautious around.
The writer went on to describe becoming intimately involved with one of the people she was “warned’ about and how happy they both are now. Then the piece mentioned that the “popular” person who gave the initial advice is no longer active in the local community. The writing quickly took on a rather condescending tone, more or less saying, “Look! They’re gone and I’m still around!!”
It was basically like a claim to being “kind of the mountain.”
I happen to know the person they were speaking of. And, I happen to know that the person met someone they fell in love with and moved to another state, where there is very limited number of active kinksters. Therefore, it’s understandable that they would now be “gone” from the local community they originally were a part of. It doesn’t mean that they were banished or ran off in shame.
This is one big reason that Mistress Oasis and I are no longer “in the scene.” The community I used to love so much and that felt like a safe escape from the outside world has pretty much become the outside world. Personality conflicts, popularity contests, character assassination, pettiness, drama, political strife – it has all infected this community.
Originally, my main reason for getting away from the public scene is that Mistress Oasis and I discovered that our dynamic and our play grew and improved by leaps and bounds when we practiced these things in private. With no one around to model what our relationship “should” be, and no overt popularity contests playing out in front of us, our attention and focus turned decidedly inward – toward us.
As Mistress Oasis and I played more and more in private – away from loud, booming music…away from raucous, drunken laughter and loud voices all competing to be heard – we found a magical, sensual place where our connection flourished and thrived.
In 2016, during the height of the last presidential election, the dark underbelly of social media really revealed itself in all its ugliness. Both Mistress Oasis and I had lifestyle friends (who were actually friends in real life) who became simply vicious toward us because we didn’t share their political ideas. We were called all sorts of disgusting names and eventually had to end those friendships (both online and in real life.) What upset us the most was that these people were willing to accuse us of thinking and believing things that were absolutely false – all because they disagreed with us politically. And they knew these accusations to be false because they knew us. That little fiasco really woke us up, and we became less and less active in online interactions. We realized that it was yet another petty popularity contest we were competing in.
Most recently, I’ve even reduced my use of social media in attempting to market my books. Again,  it seemed that rather than simply enjoying my relationship and lifestyle with my Mistress, I was constantly competing for views and clicks. I was checking my blog starts several times a day,  checking book sales,  checking “likes” and “loves” and building strategies to get more. Why? My book sales are fine. I realized I was stressing out over something that really didn’t matter.
Here’s my bottom line: Do you love this lifestyle? Don’t let social media slime it up for you. If you need Fetlife and social media to help you meet your soul-mate, by all means use it. But, as I point out in my book, “FemDom Dating,” FetLife and social media are not the lifestyle – only a part of it. If you find someone who fits your needs, focus on them. Focus on your relationship with them. And there is nothing wrong with stepping back from FetLife, Twitter and other social media. You’d be amazed how your BDSM relationship can flourish when you turn your attention and energy toward each other and away from the cyber world.
Slave Dragos, author of the two books below, is a full-time male submissive living in the USA. He is owned and employed by Mistress Oasis, who runs an international business. Dragos has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle since the late 1980s and continues to thrive today in his role as a male sub. 

The Backlash of Making BDSM Mainstream

There was a time, not long ago, when getting involved in the BDSM community meant learning a certain minimum amount of protocols – depending on the group you hung out with, and maintaining a certain level of secrecy. Being “let in” was something special. It was more than just “Yippee! I found a bunch of kinky people like me.” It was more than finally being accepted for who you are by a number of people. It was special because this group of people chose to trust you, and to embrace you as not only kinky, but trustworthy enough to join them in their secret places and their secret rituals. (Play and socializing was more ritualized back then.)

It’s not like that anymore. It’s pretty much a free-for-all now. All anyone needs in order to “join” now is a computer. Everyone gets in – whether they ever show up in person or not. Bondage, leather, sadomasochism are now splashed all over mainstream entertainment. More and more it’s viewed as just another way of having sex. “Kinky sex” it gets called. I don’t know about you, but to me that’s insulting. Sadomasochism and power exchange permeate far more of my existence than getting my rocks off. There were thoughts and images of bondage and sadism swirling around in my head long before I was old enough for my cock to get hard. There are others like me, for whom all of this is more than sex.

Some see this free-for-all as a positive thing. After all, now that basically anyone can celebrate being “kinky” purely by virtue of enjoying sex in some manner other than heterosexual, missionary position intercourse, there is no real investment in claiming to belong to a “kinky” community. And now, lots of hangers-on are doing so just because of they think it makes them cool, or “edgy.” But honestly, what discipline does it take to play dress-up?

Additionally, a lot of folks nowadays try more and more to display their “kink” in the public eye. There seem to be many more people who somehow think there is some benefit to “coming out” and showing off their sexual quirks to the rest of the world. However, what I see is simply a competition between a bunch of people to see who can look and act the most outrageous in front of vanillas. And as years go by, these displays degrade more and more to the point that they look like little more than drunken frat-party stunts designed only to shock people and get a bunch of laughs.

This is creating a backlash on multiple levels. Take, for instance, the recent rash of sexual assault complaints in which the accused men (quite often, politically powerful men) try to excuse their violent behavior by claiming that the incidents were consensual BDSM encounters. Some examples include a tech executive who choked and beat a woman, leaving her face and neck bruised . Then there is an Alaska state Representative who allegedly got drunk with a woman, brought her back to his hotel room, and slapped her so hard he ruptured her eardrum. Apparently, she consented to being slapped, but he didn’t stop when she told him he was being too rough.  Then there is the sleaze-bag New York attorney general who is accused of assaulting FOUR women without their consent. He claims that he was “engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity,” within “the privacy of intimate relationships.”  Suuurre!!

My God! It wasn’t all that long ago that no rich powerful man would dare to publicly claim to the world that they were “kinky.” They’d rather accept the “abuser” label. But now that everyone worships “50 Shades” and assumes that everyone else is into BDSM, you would think that it’s open season on women. But when a woman goes to the police – well then, claiming “BDSM” seems to be an easy out for these shitheads. If these had been consensual BDSM encounters, the police would not have become involved – simply because in a consensual BDSM encounter, they would have STOPPED once the woman indicated that things were getting out of hand.

One of the things that made BDSM special, many years ago, was the fact than once you got into the lifestyle and community, you then walked a continuing path of learning, honing skills, bettering yourself and making the community itself a better place for those who enter in the future. I don’t see that so much anymore. Especially online, it seems to be more of a popularity contest over who gets more “loves” on their photos. It also seems to be a contest of who knows the most about this or that, with an attitude that all these pesky new people asking stupid questions need to go away. Of course, there are still plenty of people, like me, trying to help people learn and find their place within this lifestyle. There always will be. But there are fewer of us now, I believe.

I don’t think “pride” movements help us much, either. I understand that the original “Gay Pride” movement from the 70’s helped end a lot of serious discrimination an violence toward homosexuals. But, the original goal has been reached. It is illegal to discriminate based on sexual orientation, and there are enhanced penalties for hate crimes now. However, nowadays, it seems everyone has a “pride” flag and demands that everyone else respect their “pride.”

I’m not “proud” to be kinky. I just AM kinky and I’m not ashamed of who I am. I don’t march in parades or attend rallies. What I do in my bedroom or dungeon is my business. The “pride” movements seem to have devolved into an excuse to run out into the streets and be “in the face” of vanillas. I can’t think of anything we are accomplishing by dressing up in our fetish clothes and dancing around in the streets. You can disagree with me, (and NO, I don’t hate anyone), but I don’t believe that we are changing any minds by coming out and acting like clowns for the cameras. I think it’s high time that WE show the vanillas some respect and not deliberately seek to shock and offend them. I’m perfectly content practicing my alternative lifestyle out of sight, in private, and amongst my own kind. If vanillas want to see what I do, they can come underground and find me.

The very popular and not-even-close to realistic “50 Shades of Grey” has done a lot to bring in people who not only don’t understand what BDSM is about, but worse, THINK they know everything about it. I knew our lifestyle was in trouble a few years ago when I started seeing more and more guys showing up in our clubs and events in business suits they had clearly cobbled together from the thrift store. This phenomenon is so prevalent, that “Twitter Dom” is and actual term. Look it up on Urban Dictionary. Some women tend to get a skewed idea that the perfect Dominant is rich and powerful and that when you find him, you just submit to what he wants and he takes care of the rest. It reminds me a lot of the “World of Gor” subculture that has permeated the lifestyle for years. That’s not real BDSM. Real BDSM is consent, and communication. It’s learning skills and practicing them. It’s caring for a sub deeply, not seeing them as simply an object to use for one’s shallow desires.

Unfortunately, bringing BDSM into the mainstream world results in a lot of people simply imitating their favorite books, or playing dress-up to the point that BDSM events become more like a “comic con.”  Hell, I’ve even seen kids leading each other around in public on leashes. WTF?? Why actually show up to a munch and learn anything when you can just put on a “pleather” dress and a silly wig and walk around watching the freaks? Maybe I’m just being an old fuddy-duddy, but it seems like nobody has to take any risk to be “kinky” anymore. It used to be that walking into a munch was taking a big step in your life. By the time you actually showed up to a play party, you had already invested time and energy into exploring this lifestyle. It really meant something.

I’ve never felt cheated by being “in the closet” with my lifestyle. I don’t need the approval or the adoration of vanillas. And I don’t need to force them to see what I do. I guess I mainly wonder if we still honestly feel like we have something special. Or are we just one more sex position? I agree that we always need new people, and we should be a friendly and inviting place for them. But I’ve always felt that this thing is spiritual – magical even. And it’s not for everyone. I know there’s no putting this genie back in the bottle. But I believe we are at risk of becoming a fad – like disco – rather than the deep and rewarding path that I’ve known for all these years.

-Dragos

 

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Before You Choose the Dungeon as Your Therapy Couch…

Your life is a mess, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’ve just never been able to relate well with people. Perhaps someone you loved fucked you over. Perhaps someone way back in your past hurt you, and you cannot go a day without something reminding you of what happened – and the fact that you didn’t deserve it. Maybe your spouse can’t (or won’t) accept or try to understand your deep, unyielding need for an exchange of power and control in your relationship.

You’ve been clicking all over the Internet – looking at the kinky pictures, reading the kinky stories, hearing the accounts of how magical BDSM is. People write endless renditions of how their lives suddenly became enriched after finally stepping into the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant/submissive or Sadist/masochist relationships open people’s hearts and emotions to depths they’ve never experienced before.

So, you start to believe that finding a kinky partner will fix everything. It will make you whole again. It will cure your depression. It will remove (or justify) the hurt you feel inside. It’s the answer you’ve been looking for, right?

It’s time for someone to shake you, and give you a dose of reality.

This lifestyle does not cure depression. This lifestyle does not turn an irresponsible person into a responsible person. It does not cure PTSD. It does not cure alcoholism, drug addiction, or stupidity. It won’t wipe away a history of child abuse or sexual abuse. It’s merely an alternative to a vanilla existence.

It is human nature to seek things that make us happy and normalize our lives. I know that BDSM and “normal” are not terms usually used in the same context. But, the very things that get branded as “kinky” are very normal for someone with a deeply embedded need for masochism, sadism, dominance or submission. For me, submitting to Mistress Oasis is normal, not “kinky.” For Mistress Oasis, hurting me to say “I love you” is normal.

In my book, FemDom Dating, I devote a chapter to self-reflection prior to just jumping into the scene and BDSM relationships. One piece of advice I give is to take care of your emotional baggage before seeking and dating potential partners.

In the BDSM world, we manipulate brain chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. Each of these can have a profound effect on a person’s emotions. However, depending on the types of activities you engage in, your brain may experience a spike in all four of these. If you already struggle with feelings of depression, inadequacy, abandonment, loss, victim-hood, or a myriad of other complex emotions, there is no telling what a cocktail of mind altering chemicals may result in.

I know personally the roller coaster of emotions that is possible during masochistic play. I’ve felt myself go through euphoria, anger, frustration, passion, fear, resignation, panic, and vulnerability. Often, I go through several of these emotions during the course of a scene. But, that’s what I’m after – a dance along a cliff where I tempt and flirt with all of these feelings, while knowing in the back of my mind that no real physical harm is going to come to me. But occasionally, the emotional ride has been too intense for me and I had to stop scenes because of panic or loss of coherent thought. And, I have my mind right. If you have a whirlwind of stressful emotions spinning in your head in your vanilla life, unleashing vast amounts of these chemicals into your brain could intensify your negative feelings.

The potential for trouble doesn’t disappear when the scene is over. At some point those chemicals wear off. Your brain can actually go through a withdrawal stage as it adjusts to the lower levels of these substances. “Sub Drop” is a term used to describe a submissive experiencing negative physical and emotional effects when these chemical levels start dropping in the brain. I myself have experienced depression, lethargy, headaches, even hangover-type feelings a day or two after a really good scene. However, I know what it is when I experience it and Mistress Oasis stays close to me, reassuring me as I deal with the negative feelings, and wait for them to pass. It can sometimes be a full day or two.

Play is not the only place where our minds walk a tightrope. The relationship dynamics within the BDSM world are complex. BDSM relationships tend to be far more intense than what you find in the vanilla world. We communicate on a deeper level, exposing vulnerable and sensitive things about ourselves. That’s how we are able to interact the way we do, whether it’s service oriented, sexual, or sado-masochistic. We have to open our hearts and our innermost hidden places to each other to achieve the experiences we crave. If you’re struggling with a bunch of emotional crap that you cannot deal with, having someone toying around with your psychological “goo” like it was Jell-o is asking for trouble sooner or later.

This aspect of the BDSM lifestyle doesn’t just apply to submissives. Dominants need to have their heads screwed on right as well. Some of them don’t. Above all other things, a submissive wants to trust their dominant. A sub needs to know that their dom is looking out for their well-being. We subs who are also flying masochists depend on our dominant to be cognizant of our responses, our safety, and our emotional status during our play. We need to trust that they will do this so we can “let go,” and drift away into an alternative consciousness.

The deeper a relationship goes, the more a sub gives of him or herself. Being able to depend on a dom being stable and predictable within the relationship allows the submissive to lower more walls, and become more open to the dom.  This becomes harder if the dom exhibits unpredictable or irrational reactions to life’s little “situations.”

People with very low self-esteem tend to drag those around them down as well. Insecure people often display possessiveness and suspicion toward a partner. Trying to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is usually a crutch, and tends to create an atmosphere of comparing the new partner to the old. And, even if the new partner passes the scrutiny with flying colors, no one enjoys hearing the constant re-telling of tales about things the old partner did to hurt you.

As wild as our lifestyle may seem from the outside, it actually requires a level head to make it work and grow long term. It can be the answer to all your prayers if you’ve had to suppress it most of your life. However, it doesn’t cure crazy. Get your emotional house in order before jumping into this game. It makes this lifestyle easier for everyone involved.

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 6 – Evotion Wearables – “CAGE 7”

A little over a year ago, I found a company called Evotion Wearables. They peddle plastic chastity cages, but with a different twist. They make the devices entirely by 3D printing.

Now, how the cages are made definitely caught my eye. However, what hooked me was the fact that some of their cages are made without base rings. They rely on piercings to stay in place. That’s not really new. There are plenty of cages out there that stay in place by means of a piercing. And, I am not a big fan of having something tugging at my PA all day long.

The ‘CAGE 7’ from Evotion Wearables

Here is what makes Evotion Wearables different: Evotion has you submit 4 different measurements. They require a shaft diameter (or circumference), a glans length, a piercing depth (distance from the tip of the penis to the point where the piercing is) and the desired length of the cage shaft. The section that covers the penis head is actually contoured so that there is a ridge that rests just behind the head of the penis. This ridge, in essence is what holds the cage on the penis. The pin at the front of the cage that goes through the piercing only helps keep everything in place. I liked this idea better than totally relying on the 12 millimeters of thin skin under the head of my cock to support the weight of a constantly shifting of a cage.

Now, when most of us hear about “3D Printing,” we think of a machine drizzling melted plastic out of a nozzle – kind of like a hot glue gun, controlled by a computer. But Evotion uses a method called “Laser Sintering,” and it’s really cool. I watched a Youtube video of this type of laser printing, and was astonished. Basically, in layman’s terms, they dump plastic powder on the “floor” of an enclosed machine. Then they flatten the powder to a thin, even layer. The laser “scans” across the layer of powder in the exact shape of that cross-section layer of the item they are building, which flash melts the plastic into a solid. Then, another layer of plastic powder is flattened out on top of that piece, and the process repeats. One scan at a time, the layers of plastic get flash-melted to the previous layer and solidifies.

Click on the image above to see a table demo video. (The link will open a new window for PornHub.)

They offer eight different models of cages, including ones with base rings, if that is your preference. You can get your cage in a range of around eight different colors. And, when you consider the numerous customizations they can make with any of their cages, the possibilities are astronomical. I even saw an example of a CURVED cage they made for someone! You can see that HERE.

So, I began taking my measurements. I decided on the #7 cage with PA pin in black and red. The method of securing the cage would be a 2-part ring around the base that connects with a plastic tab that snaps into place and cannot be removed except for cutting it down the middle. That way, no worry about keys, backup keys, emergency keys, etc. However, they do make rings that padlock, rings with internal locks, and other variations.

I tried to tweak the measurements a tad. I wanted a snug fit around the head, and a little bit of wiggle room in the tube around the shaft. So, I added a millimeter here and subtracted a millimeter there. I thought I was pretty smart…

The “Cage 7” starts at $289.00. The “printing” process took about 2 months but they warn you about that on their website.

“.Join me, Luke. And we’ll rule the galaxy as father and son…”

Arrival – My first impression upon unpacking the cage was how different this design looked. The black and red combination gives it an ominous appearance. The shape and design is like something out of a sci-fi horror movie – like some torture device that Darth Vader would have ordered attached to an unfortunate prisoner to be questioned. But, that’s what mine looks like. You might like a pink one that shows off your inner sissy. Or, you may want an orange and black one that looks like a Halloween candy-corn. Or, maybe you’re feeling patriotic, so go ahead and get a red, white, and blue cage! You can browse their site, and see the endless combinations of style and color.

Click the above image to see a video demonstration. (The video will open in another tab for PornHub.)

Then I put my CAGE 7 on. There are five pieces: a base plate, a PA pin, a top cover, and a locking ring that comes in two halves. The PA pin snaps into the bottom of the base plate, forming a single piece. But, it can be removed for cleaning.  Once the base plate is resting along the underside of the penis, and the PA ring is inserted into my piercing, the top cover can be put on. The top cover fits onto the apparatus like a car hood, and is closed in a similar fashion. Once the two halves are together, they get held in place with the locking ring. This part I already didn’t like. The locking ring pieces get placed into a slot at the rear of the cage, with the end tabs of the ring poking through to the inside. Then they close down like wings around the circumference of the cage. Right away, I could see the potential for getting pinched hard with this procedure. So, when connecting the ring, I have to get a finger up under the cage, and push my skin out of the path of the closing tabs. I think Evotion could have come up with a better design on that.

However, once the thing is on, it is extremely comfortable. If you are a chastity traditionalist, who thinks that real chastity requires an apparatus that wraps up the entire package tightly (and some do), you’re not going to like the Evotion Cage 7. Personally, I think it looks hot! But this look may not be your cup of tea. I’ve never been a huge fan of the “squished” look that many cages give you. I do not have a small penis. Mistress Oasis loves my penis for what it is, and does not wish to make it look small. This cage allows me to be in chastity while still displaying my full size for her visual pleasure.

This cage accomplishes exactly what chastity is meant to accomplish. It effectively denies me access to the head of my penis, which is what most guys need to reach if they want to masturbate to orgasm. But, it also allows my penis and balls to exist and move around independently of each other. I can easily reach 50% of my shaft for cleaning. If my balls are uncomfortable in my trousers, I can adjust them without having to shift my entire package of balls, cock, and cage. I can dress my penis to the left of my pants or the right. It’s truly “penis paradise.”

The tip of my penis often protruded through the bars at the end of the Jailbird, causing it to rub against my clothing. NOT fun at work.

One aspect of the Jailbird I did not like was the fact that it mashed the head of my cock into the cage end so hard the tip of my head would be forced through the space between the bars at the end of the cage. That allowed for my clothing to rub against the very tip of the head of my cock – the most sensitive part – throughout the day. As erotic as that may seem to some of you, and as nifty an idea that may be for a night out with your Mistress, it sucks to have that going on all day at work when you’re in an office trying to earn your living.

The Evotion Cage 7 completely covers the head of my cock and nothing touches it, unless I purposely poke something into the cage. In this respect, it is super comfortable.  Removal does not require waiting for my erection to die down first. Additionally, the Evotion is a very open, well vented design. Air gets to the penis throughout the day. I never feel “dirty” in the Evotion. Did I mention that it looks awesome?

The weight is unbelievable. I literally forget I’m wearing this cage at times. Now, I totally understand that for some men out there, the whole chastity thing is a sexual thing. So, they feel that they MUST have something heavy and imposing down there to remind them all day long that “Oooooooh, I’m in a cock cage. I can’t escape. Will I ever be allowed to orgasm again? What will I do?” And that’s fine and dandy if that’s what you need. But, for me, I want a functional solution that doesn’t impose on my everyday life. I get enough sex and enough play and enough attention from Mistress Oasis that I don’t need a reminder all day that my love gun now has a trigger safety. Additionally, my submission and adoration toward her originates in my heart and soul – not my cock. The cage is merely a symbol of that love and surrender to her. Think of it as my collar, or, as Mistress Oasis sees it, my wedding ring. I know it’s there. I want it there. But, I don’t want it making me uncomfortable all day long.

I can stand to pee again!!! Because my cock is not scrunched up and connected to my balls and crammed into the end of a tube, I have complete control of where I’m pointing this thing! (Look out North Korea!!) I get to point with the entire length of my penis, rather than trying to manipulate and aim a 3-inch tube. Additionally, because there is a pin (rather than a ring) going through my piercing, and pointing forward, my pee comes out normal. No spray and pray!! I can stand at a pisser again!! One giant leap for mankind!!

Okay, so maybe I’m getting a little carried away. As with the other cages, there are some issues I found with my Evotion Cage 7. So let’s look at the “dark side.”

First, like every other cage, when you wear an Evotion and urinate, you cannot avoid pissing on and in the cage. Yes, the stream is more controllable than with other cages. But, it’s still not perfect. The PA pin snaps into the base, and is then held in place by a small cam situated on the tab that joins the base and cover. This configuration forms a tiny “compartment” just under the PA pin. The PA pin acts as a bit of a channel that allows some urine to travel down into that compartment. So, if you are not careful and take a moment to dab some toilet paper around the end of the cage after you take a leak, a few drops may find their way out the bottom of the cage, and wet the front of your trousers. Whatever stays behind inside that compartment will ferment and dry, which eventually will lead to an unpleasant odor. It’s not like the worker in the next cubicle at your job is going to smell you or anything like that. But, if Mistress thinks she’s going to uncage you as you walk through the door after a long day for some impromptu play or sex, you may want to beg for a few minutes in the shower first to run some soap and water over and through the cage first.

That same compartment makes it literally impossible to get the cage completely dry after showering, peeing, or whatnot. You simply cannot access that little space without taking off the top cover. So, my practice and advice is to schedule regular removal and cleaning for hygiene sake. Even if you are on one of those “3 months locked up, no orgasms, no escape” chastity marathons, I don’t think that coming out of the cage once a week for 10 minutes of washing and maintenance qualifies as cheating. I mean, unless in that ten minutes you a become bug-eyed, drooling wank fiend, I doubt you be any worse off for the time out of the cage. I mean, hell, they even let convicts in solitary confinement shower once a week, right?

Okay, next item: After going to bed with this cage on the first night, I awoke the next morning with my usual raging morning erection. I absolutely LOVED the feeling of the last half of my bulging cock being confined and restrained by this cage. Seriously, it is so different than the feel of a full cage and base ring. It’s a very erotic sensation. However, something still didn’t feel “right.”

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the glans of my penis had slipped back out of the tip of the cage, under that special ridge that’s meant to keep the head in place. “No biggie,” I thought, and got a Q-tip to nudge the head of my cock back into its place. Done!

…Or so I thought. The next night, I awoke again, hard as a rock. The head had slid a few millimeters out of place again. But this time, I felt an intense pain at my piercing site. I took the cage off to find that the area around my piercing was red, swollen, and very sore.

So, we gave it a few days for the swelling and soreness to go away, and tried again. I figured that it was entirely possible that my penis and PA just needed to get used to the new style of cage. In another 24 hours, I was sore and swollen again.

Over time, I realized that the forward compartment for the glans was just not big enough, that the entire cage itself was just not tight enough, and that the PA pin was a little too far forward. So basically, this cage became my “wedding ring” when I was out and about away from home. But at night, when Mistress Oasis and I turned in, I had to remove this cage to avoid what I feared could become a serious health issue with my piercing. (But I had Mistress there to make sure I wasn’t petting my ferret under the sheets, so it was okay.)

All of that said, I still do not attribute it to a flaw in the cage or the design itself. I fully believe that I didn’t get my measurements correct. Basically, I spent a year with a cage that I had to adjust a few times a day to get my head back in place. We got to the point where we didn’t even bother locking it with the tabs. The retaining ring snaps in place, and stays closed by itself. Again, I can wear an unlocked cage all day without any temptation to remove it specifically because of why I wear it.

My advice, if you are going to get an Evotion cage that incorporates a piercing (PA or Frenium bar), is to be extra vigilant with your measurements. Go a little tight on the circumference/diameter. Maybe go a millimeter or two large on the glans length, and for the piercing depth, I recommend springing $20 or so for a caliper-type micrometer, and very carefully measuring from the tip of the penis to the center of that piercing. When taking measurements for my next cage, I even taped a little piece of cardboard onto one of the caliper claws to make sure I was bumping right up against the very tip of my penis, and getting an accurate reading. Measure multiple times throughout the day and average them. Measure in millimeters. It’s more precise.

Personally, I want to get another CAGE 7 with the right dimensions because I really love the feel and look of it overall. If you’ve been having issues with base rings hurting you, or don’t like the feeling of your erection being squished through tiny spaces in a cage, then you may just want to look at what Evotion Wearables can do for you.

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 5 – The Mature Metal Jailbird

The next stop on my chastity journey was Mature Metal. This is a company out of Texas that makes custom stainless steel cages. They have five models to choose from. Their “Jailbird” model is one of the most recognized cages amongst chastity aficionados. Spend a little time on an online chastity forum and you’ll see lots of guys praising the Jailbird as the greatest cage they have ever worn. I suppose you could say it’s the Ford F-150 of cock cages.

Mature Metals creates each cage based on a customer’s individual measurements. Those measurements are penis length, penis diameter, and the “gap.” The gap is the distance between the base ring that goes around your balls, and the base of the penis. This gap is important to ensure a snug fit for the cage, and allow room for the constant “anatomical changes” your penis goes through all day. A proper gap between the ring and the cage also ensure you can’t slip out of the cage when you’re flaccid. Oh YES! If the gap is too big, you may be tempted to slip the old one-eyed weasel out of his holding pen through that gap and give him a good stroking when Mistress isn’t around, you naughty wanker!

The Mature Metal “Jailbird”

The Jailbird starts at $225.00. I think they’ve dropped their prices. I could have sworn mine was a little over $300. But, I digress.

I spent quite some time staring at Mature Metal’s website, and reading their measuring instructions and product descriptions. To be honest, the price seemed a bit steep for me and I genuinely took time to question just how badly I wanted my manhood locked up. Well, I wanted to be locked up, but I questioned how much I was willing to spend to make it happen. In the end, considering that I own probably close to $7000 worth of BDSM toys alone, I decided that Mature Metal’s price seemed fair for what I’d be getting.

I followed their measuring instructions, and even measured myself several times throughout the day, and averaged them to get the perfect fit that would handle my manhood at its most erect and most flaccid. Knowing that it was entirely up to me to ensure that my cage would fit correctly added an extra touch of anxiety. But, I sent in what I had, and ordered my Jailbird.

Wearing My Jailbird

The first thing I noticed about the Jailbird was that this thing was heavy. Not crazy heavy as to make it unreasonable. Basically, if you’re used to a plastic cage, and you pick one of these things up, you quickly realize this is a no-bullshit chunk of metal that is going to trap your cock for real. It has a serious, industrial look to it while also radiating – dare I say – elegance in its design. I can honestly say these people do good work.

Unlike the CB6000, which is a plastic tube with a few slots near the base for “ventilation,” the Jailbird is a fully “open” design. Basically that means the only places where your skin is covered, and not exposed to the air, is where one of the metal bars crosses over flesh. And, of course, your flesh will move around inside this cage a little bit. Bottom line here is that you aren’t spending all day in something that has completely sealed your cock off from the outside, and sealed in every droplet of sweat your skin emits throughout the day.

Remember what I said about wanting to be prepared? Mistress Oasis found a nifty idea online to ensure that I had a key to the padlock in the event of an emergency – and only an emergency. She found tiny little zippered bags on Etsy. They were about the size of a silver dollar. Just big enough to fit the miniature padlock key inside. Once the key was inside, she super-glued the zipper shut. The bag could be cut open if I ever needed the key in an emergency. It even had a key ring attached. So I was able to carry the spare key on my keychain. Regardless of how strong one’s fantasy is to be locked up long term, it is far easier to do so when one knows that it can be removed in a dire circumstance.

I finally had a cage that allowed me to clean myself with no more effort than simply soaping up my hands or a wash cloth, and rubbing it around the surface of the cage. By holding everything under the shower for a minute, I was completely rinsed off. And, drying afterward was a breeze. Throughout the day, because air could constantly flow over my skin, I felt very dry and fresh down there most of the time.

I found that wearing my piercing inside the cage was not practical. No matter what I tried, throughout the day, I’d regularly get pinched between the ring and the steel bars of the Jailbird. I’d read and seen pics of guys who would run their PA ring through the front of the bars as well as through their PA, essentially locking the tip of their cock to the front of the cage. Many express a greater sense of surrender and “in-escapability” with this method. Truly, even if you could slip your cock out of the cage through the gap (and I discovered that when totally flaccid and with some effort, I could), then having the pierced head of your cock physically connected to the end of the cage by a metal ring would certainly prevent any such attempts. I tried this arrangement, but discovered that the pinching increased. Additionally, I just didn’t like the idea of having a titanium ring attached to a somewhat movable metal cage, and then going through a hole in my cock. As a “what if” kind of guy, I didn’t like the prospect of what might happen to the underside of my penis if something were to accidentally cause the cage to pull forward when I was shriveled. The idea of having that skin down there ripped open really gives me the heebie-jeebies.

So, I gave up my PA ring for the privilege of being caged for my beloved Mistress. However, now I had a permanent hole underneath the head of my cock. (No, it never grew over completely.) Having a hole on the underside of your cock leads to issues with – you guessed it – URINATION.

I was already in the habit of sitting down to pee with the CB6000. The Jailbird was actually a little shorter, and had a slightly more pronounced downward curve to it, which would have made standing at a urinal absolutely impossible. I’d have been soaking my britches every day. The addition of a second hole in the penis pointing 90 degrees perpendicular to the natural opening means you’d better have a wide “field of fire” when you relieve yourself. However, after-pee cleanup is so much easier than with the plastic tube of the CB6000. You simply grab some toilet paper and dab around the end of the cage.

This is one of the realities you must be willing to face and deal with if you have the desire to be in a cage for extended periods. No matter the style, or the construction, or how many ingenious openings they include in your model – sooner or later you wind up pissing on or in your cage. It is unavoidable.

Did I mention that the Jailbird is heavy? All throughout the chastity forums and websites, guys express a preference to the steel cages because of the feel and heft of the metal. It gives them a heightened “awareness” of  being entrapped and controlled. Make no mistake; cock cages are a form of bondage. And, those of us who love bondage do so because of the sense of vulnerability, surrender, loss of free will, and control that it brings. There is a big difference between being tied up with silk scarves to the bedpost, and being restrained with thick leather cuffs attached to steel anchor points drilled into a wall. The same contrast can be observed between a lightweight, clear plastic cage and one made of unbending steel that weighs about a half pound. Mentally and emotionally, you KNOW that your cock is not really yours anymore. And, when you took the time to take all of your measurements and paid the $225 + for it, you tend to become pretty “attached” to your little personal prison. (pun intended)

The Jailbird has a far less noticeable ‘signature’ under clothing as well. Even without underwear, the shape and curvature of this cage made it invisible under jeans, shorts, and work clothes alike.

Finally, the Jailbird is just plain fun to wear for play. It has the look and feel that says your cock belongs to someone else. Without a doubt, it has a psychological effect on the wearer. Mistress Oasis loved the look of it as well. The open steel cage design allows for access all along the shaft and head, which is not offered by the CB6000. So, Mistress Oasis could string me up with the Jailbird in place, and poke me with skewers, run her favorite pinwheel over my cock, or even drip hot wax on it without having to remove the cage itself.

So, all in all, the Jailbird was everything that it was advertised to be. It should have been my “forever” cage, right?

Well, the following are my negative experiences with the Jailbird cage:

Base ring problems. This cage should be a full 2 1/2 inches lower – back where my skin is still white. Notice the red chafing just behind the ring? Yeah, late night hard-ons hurt like a motherfucker!

Base Ring – I have a problem. My penis has a very wide range of size variation between its shrunken state and an erection. No, I’m not John Holmes or anything like that. But, I’m above average when erect. I’ve also had a vasectomy that included titanium clips left permanently clamped to the ends of the cut tubes. Ideally, a cage with a base ring will fit in such a way that the base ring stays just behind the scrotum, and the cage itself will remain snug on the penis, slid back all the way to the base of the penis. I got a base ring that successfully did this while I was limp. However, once I got erect, I had the same problem that I did with the CB6000. The ring would cut off my circulation. Then, my erect penis would push the whole cage forward, pulling on my balls. Sometimes, the ring would trap the titanium clips from my vasectomy in front of it, and then it was forcefully pulling forward on the clips. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a super painful erection, with my balls purple and I could feel the strain on my tubes deep inside – not knowing how long I’d been asleep with the blood to my genitals seriously restricted. So, we would have to take the cage off at night.

Looking at the overstretched balls from another angle. Not safe!

I ordered a new ring that was 1/8th inch larger in diameter. Now, my circulation didn’t get cut off as badly but the forward pull on my balls was just as painful. Additionally, now whenever I was flaccid, the cage would begin to slide down my balls and penis. One particularly warm day when everything in my shorts was very soft and loose, Mistress and I were taking a walk. At the end of it, we got in the car. I could tell that the cage had slid down a bit and opened my fly to adjust it. The cage had slid halfway down my cock and was resting on top of my balls.

The base ring of the plastic CB6000 is a semi-circle with a removable top that is integrated into the locking mechanism. What that means is that the base ring can be slid on or off regardless of the condition of the penis, hard or soft. The base ring of the Jailbird is one solid piece. It cannot be slid past the balls when I’m erect. It can only slide on and off when I’m totally soft. This can cause a problem.

Mobility – Despite the issues above with the base ring, the cage is still very comfortable – until you have to lie on your stomach to do some kind of household repair. Then there is simply nowhere for the stainless steel Jailbird to go but into your pelvic bone and upper thighs. Working out at the gym with the Jailbird on was no problem, except for leg curls that require you to lie face down. I could even ride my bike. But, not being able to lie down to handle various maintenance chores was a hindrance I could not abide.

Neither of these issues is a flaw on the part of the Mature Metal cage. Their product was exactly what they said it would be. However, I realized that my body is simply not compatible with a cage that has a base ring. Anatomically, I’m just not built for it. The constriction caused us real concern about potential blood clots or other health risks. So, I had to continue looking at other options.

 

<<< BACK to PART 4                                                                 PART 6>>>

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Trials and Lessons of Male Chastity- Part 1

Note: In this series, I’ve posted links to videos that Mistress Oasis and I made to demonstrate various cages. Due to WordPress’s limited reliability concerning video file hosting (slow/buffering), I had the videos uploaded to Porn Hub. If you do not wish to have your computer navigate to Porn Hub, please DO NOT click on any images that indicate a video file. Each such link is specifically identified in its caption.


This 8 part series of blog posts chronicles my experiences with male chastity within a Female Led Relationship. I wanted to share with my readers what I’ve learned after having tried various “cages,” and expound on the realities of wearing a cage long-term versus the fantasy images that many guys have concerning being “locked.” This will include reviewing several examples of how wearing a cage affects your everyday life in ways you may have never even thought of. And, let’s face it – this is a great excuse to post a bunch of pictures of my cock without them really qualifying as “dick pics!” Right??

So, let’s get started.

Brief History– For many years, I had no desire to have my cock “caged.” In fact, I’m not even sure I was overtly aware of the existence of cock cages until only about seven years ago. I remember a girlfriend bringing up the idea, and explaining the concept of putting something on my dick that would completely cover and “lock” it. I remember thinking – and saying – “What the fuck would I want to do that for?”

A couple of years later, I was in service to “Mistress X,” whom I talk about in Energy and BDSM.” She had me tidying up her toy closet one day. (Yes, besides a play room, she had an ENTIRE CLOSET just for toys!) I found a CB3000 cage amongst the toys. I showed it to her, and asked if she’d ever caged a sub for extended periods before. She said she had on a few occasions. We discussed the subject broadly, and my curiosity began to stir about what it would be like to wear one long term, which I communicated to her. (At that point, “long term” in my mind equated to about a week or so.) However, she didn’t jump at the opportunity. Instead, she explained that it was a big decision, and not a simple thing to be caged. She offered to discuss it later, depending on how I did showing my submission in other ways.

About a month later, after an evening of play, Mistress X asked if I’d like to try wearing the cage overnight as I slept. (I spent weekends with Mistress X, and slept in the guest room – our relationship was non-sexual.) I agreed to try it. I recall being somewhat apprehensive, somewhat excited, and somewhat curious. We put the cage on and she placed a lock in the retaining post, but did not secure it. It was entirely up to me that night whether the cage stayed on or came off.

It was an interesting evening, indeed. In one sense, there was nothing really special going on. There was a plastic ring around my balls and a plastic tube encasing my cock – that’s all. However, it still kept me keenly aware of and focused on my genitals. In a way, it felt kind of sexy. And, still there was a sense of loss of my free will. I tried to imagine how I’d feel if this thing was locked, and someone else was in charge of when it came off. That idea bothered my independent, Alpha male senses.  “But, what if I were in love and owned by that woman? ,” I thought to myself in the dark.  Ahhhhhhh….that thought sparked a little more understanding. And, with some vague images of myself in a collar, lying next to a Domme who’s heart was connected to mine, and my manhood securely locked up in a cage, I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I took the cage off before going to the restroom. I cleaned and dried it, and went to the kitchen to start my day’s chores. At breakfast, Mistress X and I talked about the experience. I admitted that, indeed, it invoked a lot of feelings. I did not wear the cage again at Mistress X’s.

Fast forward a couple of years. I’d met Mistress Oasis and we had begun playing. She had one of those inexpensive “one size fits all” cages in her toy collection. We began incorporating that in our play. And, somewhere along the way, we fell in love.

This is where my journey down the male chastity path began.

>>>>>>>>>>Go To PART 2 >>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

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Are You Entitled to the Luxury of a Domme?

I want to give proper credit to @SinCityGrrl for a tweet that served to stir my brain ,and give me the idea for this article.

In her tweet, @SinCityGrrl says “Sex workers provide a luxury service. You are not entitled to us. If you can’t afford it – too bad.”

Upon reading the full tweet, and some of its 45 comments, I started thinking, “Wow, this sounds a lot like what Dommes (professional as well as lifestyle) say about ‘subs’ online.” One of the comments even mentioned guys who call and request an escort, and when she arrives, they say, “Oh, I cannot afford X … but since you’re already here, can you do me for Y?'” (Lower price.)

When I read that, I thought, “Damn, are these professional women or used cars?” I’ve known several Pro-Dommes personally, but have never actually procured the services of a “sex worker.” I’ve always assumed that it was just understood – the professional names a price, and the client pays it. I never imagined that there was “haggling” going on.

Reading on through all the comments – many from other sex workers – it hit me. The words “luxury” and “entitled” kept getting repeated.

In my book, “FemDom Dating,” I keep circling back to a common theme. What I teach submissive men is to set aside the “Fantasy Dominatrix” image and the sexual ideas when approaching Dominant women, and approach them as human beings – seeing them for the people that they are in daily life first. Most men tend to see a Domme’s profile, focus on the racy pics and the fetish list, and approach her as the high heeled, leather clad, whip wielding cartoon character in their sexual fantasies.

This tweet served to shine a light on something else that is present in their approach – “entitlement.”

Many guys approach Dommes (and yes – they approach female subs, too) as if they are entitled to the attributes and talents that these women possess. I think most women on FetLife and the various kinky dating sites can agree with me. Most messages – even the ones that just say “HI” come off as – “Hi, I see you’re a Domme (or a sub, or slave, or whatever). When do we get started?

In fact, these messages and approaches almost reek of – “Okay, you say you’re a Domme. You wrote that you enjoy x, y, and z. You posted pictures of your tits. You got me turned on. Now you owe it to me to interact with me on that level.

Kinky companions (Dommes especially) are indeed a luxury, guys.

You know, if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly at least twice a day, clean water to drink, and clothes on your back – you’re doing a shitload better than a very large segment of the world’s population. (I know personally… I spent considerable time in a war-torn African country. If you have a computer to read this stuff – you’re doing quite well in life.) Everything else is really a luxury when you think about it. Things we take for granted – indoor running water, a job, a car, spare money, the internet – are all extras that nature did not choose to automatically supply us with.

And, at the very top of the great luxury pyramid sit our unique sexual desires. BDSM is one of the most unique. BDSM activities do not come naturally. They take trust, knowledge, and skill. And yet, so many men set up online profiles and start messaging women as if those women owe it to them to participate in whatever they suggest. Isn’t that crazy?

Have you ever wondered why men refer to having sex as “getting lucky?” Because it’s not easy to get there!! Why should winning a Domme over be any different? No Domme has ever created a profile and posted photos and writings with you specifically in mind. And, isn’t finding someone who’s kinky desires match your own a luxury indeed?

If you don’t see it as a luxury, try the vanilla dating world for awhile. After a night in the sack with a vanilla girl  (lol…or even better, BEFORE you’ve had sex the first time), tell her that now you’d like to be tied up, beaten, etc – whatever your particular submissive fantasies are. If talking to a Domme – at the WORST, she would perhaps negotiate with you as to what things she’s willing to do and what she isn’t. But, it would be a calm, non-judgmental discussion. Most vanilla women would look at you with polite disgust and quickly take their leave – probably blocking your number from their phone shortly after getting in their car.

So, are Dommes and Mistresses luxuries? You’re damned right they are!
Are you entitled to what they have to offer? You are a fool to think so. Even once you establish a relationship – you are never really entitled.

I am owned and collared by Mistress Oasis. She is in love with me. And even those realities do not entitle me to the things she does on a D/s or S/M level. I earn those things on a daily basis with my words, actions, and mindset. And, if you think that “earning” equates to me being naked, collared, and doing house chores all day – you’re still in fantasy land. It’s earned by attitude, emotional investment, communication, and devotion to her as a person, even when I’m fully clothed and wandering about in the vanilla world with her. So, you see, even as a collared sub who lives this thing 24/7 – her dominance, her sadism, her command of me are all luxuries – extras that make my life a dream come true.

So, think about that before you start typing that next “Hi” message. Rather than excitedly fantasizing about what she can to to satisfy your submissive cravings, ask yourself how you will earn the luxury of having a friendship with this person. You might be amazed at how your luck changes.

Find more direct, honest, and effective advice like this when you purchase my book “FemDom Dating” – available on Amazon and other online book retailers. $4.99 Ebook / $9.99 Paperback

Get “FemDom Dating” HERE

 

Also from slave dragos – “Energy and BDSM” – After the orgasm, have you ever felt like BDSM could be so much more – but you just don’t know how to get there? Most people get into kinky play to “spice up” their sex lives. This book explains how to take the BDSM experience WAY beyond sexual. An orgasm lasts for seconds. I explain how to achieve a D/s or S/M “high” that can last for days! Create a stronger bond with your BDSM partner. Find depths within yourself that you didn’t know existed. Discover just how deep the rabbit-hole goes!!

Get “Energy and BDSM” HERE

 

My motivation behind “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”

I’M SO EXCITED!!!! The manuscript is done. The cover is done. We’ve sent the files to the printer. Very soon, “FemDom Dating” will be on the market!!!!

Why I wrote “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”

The scene is all too familiar: A woman with a profile on either a BDSM online dating site or social site reads aloud a message sent to her from some unknown man, which was clearly a very poor attempt to win her attention, and some sort of positive reply. The person she’s reading it to rolls their eyes, laughs, and responds with something like, “Oh my God, what a schmuck!” or “What an asshole! What makes guys think it’s alright to say that to someone he doesn’t even know?”

I’ve heard and read thousands of these from girlfriends, friends, and casual play Dommes. Even my ex-wife (when we were married) would show me the ridiculous things men would write in an attempt to say just the right thing that will raise her eyebrow, make her read it once again, and send a response that basically says, “Tell me more.”

Heck, I STILL get to see them regularly from Mistress Oasis.

It’s easy to blow these men off as jerks, assholes, or desperate idiot wankers who are just constantly thinking with their dicks. And many of them are.

But, over the years, I’ve been watching the FemDom chat rooms and group pages. Lots of submissive men post genuine comments and questions, trying to figure out where they are going wrong. Sure, many of them seem virtually clueless – “I’ve had my profile up for three weeks and sent a hundred PMs out, and no Dommes will respond to me.”

However, I’ve seen others post very sincere questions, simply trying to find out what makes Dommes tick so that they can improve their “skillset” at attracting a Domme’s interest. And, more times than not, these men are criticized, belittled, or answered with terse comments that basically don’t help or show any level of empathy. I guess that’s what chewed away at me the most – seeing the lack of empathy toward these guys…assuming that they are just dumb, or too lazy to “learn,” or perhaps not really even a submissive. I see this happening even in the “101” or “newbies” groups. Few people want to remember that they, too, were once very new, and confused as to how all of this works.

The BDSM world has become much more complex than it was when I first started to interact with other kinksters. And, the sexual marketing that we are bombarded with at every click of a mouse can easily make it appear that it is okay to simply pick a profile and send a message like “Hi. I’m a submissive. I like to do X, Y, and Z and I want you to do this, that, and that to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my book, I talk directly to the reader. I’m honest but not critical. I explain things from a male point of view. I don’t just demand that you stop thinking with your pecker. I explain why it’s important to stop thinking with your pecker. I’m a guy, I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t criticize you for thinking the way a guy thinks at a primal level. I explain the differences between online imagery and BDSM reality. At the same time, I explain how to evolve into what Dommes are looking for – from my own experiences, and those of others.

I’ve been “kinky” all my life. I’ve been in several committed BDSM relationships. I’ve been involved with many other women in “casual” BDSM play relationships over the past 30 years. I’ve hosted events that brought me in contact with hundreds of fellow kinksters. I’ve been Mistress Oasis’ sub for several years now. Imagine sitting down, having a beer with me, and asking me anything you wanted – and getting honest, non-judgmental answers from me. What worked? What didn’t work? What have I learned through it all? What would I repeat? What would I never, ever try again?

That’s how I wrote this book: with honesty, sincerity, and with respect for where you are right at this moment. Additionally, I explain things using a business analogy.

  • See yourself as a product. What do you need to do to make yourself the best product you can possibly be? In what areas of your life do you need to improve?
  • Market yourself. How to tell Dommes, “Look at me!!” – without sounding like a degenerate sitting at his computer with his pants around his ankles.
  • Close deals. How and when do you ask for a meeting? How do you act on a date with a Domme? How do you negotiate play, relationship, and other important considerations?

My goal is to help you become more of what Dommes are looking for. Simultaneously, I hope this book will improve the field of candidates that Dominant women face, and lessen the frustration they experience from sorting through page after page of insulting messages and approaches.

I wrote this book from the heart, with the intent on helping more people find the happiness they have been seeking. It’s my hope that this book will help submissive men who haven’t been able to attract a Domme, learn from others’ and their own mistakes, and to ultimately experience the connection and joy that Mistress Oasis and I have experienced over the years.

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)

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Buy This Book On Amazon

Does Your “Dream Domme” Exist? – Reasonable Expectations

One thing that stands out in many online comments and messages offered by men claiming to be submissive is a lack of understanding of one major reality – Dommes are human beings.

A frightening number of “subs” hold a mystical, even surreal view of what Dominant women are really like. Additionally, they seem to hold very unrealistic ideals of what submitting to such a woman would entail.

It would seem that most of these men enter the online arena with a preconceived mental image of Dommes as being perfectly shaped, perfectly groomed, leather-clad vixens who are constantly on the prowl for the next horny sub to come into their lair to be stripped and “punished.” (Of course the “punishments” always consist of the sub’s favorite fantasy activities.) In these men’s minds, Dommes are always ready for the next scene, always expecting “proper” protocol and demeanor from subs, and always have a whip in hand, just in case.

In my book, FemDom Dating – The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women, I call this mental image the “Fantasy Dominatrix.”

The reality is that Dominant women, when you meet them, don’t outwardly appear any different than every other woman you’ve ever met. This is so important for you to remember if you are a single submissive male trying to meet Dominant women online. These women, Dominant as they may be, have no desire to play the “Mistress/slave” game until they have gotten to know a sub – very, very well.

Dominant women come in all shapes and sizes, and all types of personalities. They have good days and bad days. They have jobs, car payments, children, family issues, health issues, rent, and morning breath – just like everyone else  in the world.

If you keep this in mind, you’ll realize just how silly it is to “approach” these women online with stereotypical “submissive” grovelling, overly wordy proclamations of your submissiveness and desires, and dramatic terms of endearment like “Goddess” or “Mistress.”

Reality of D/s Relationships

In the same context, men also jump online with a skewed view of what it’s actually like to be in a Female led relationship.

I won’t lie to you. In my relationship as Mistress Oasis’ submissive, I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I never experienced in any vanilla relationship. Even in my relationships as a Top and a switch, I never came close to the overall jubilance I experience as a collared sub.

But, it’s not all nudity, bondage, whippings, and CBT. In fact, there’s not nearly as much of that as outsiders may think. We have a business and we work – hard. We have a home to keep up with. I have family, she has family. Life issues come up. Money issues come up. Health issues come up. Most of the time, we operate more as partners than we do as Mistress and slave.

I’m strong willed and outspoken. So is she. Often, we have to work things out as equals. I know there are some relationships in which “Her” word is always the last on any given subject. But, our relationship is a little more balanced. It doesn’t make me a “bad” sub or her a bad Domme. It’s just what works for us.

What kind of D/s relationship will work for you is something that will take time, effort, and communication with the Domme who lets you in someday. And, it won’t be 24/7 of her “commanding” you, and you obeying. It just doesn’t work like that.

Understanding these realities, and keeping them in mind as you craft your messages and ask questions on group forums, will help you stand above the ocean of creeps, wankers, perverts, and losers calling themselves “submissives,” and will demonstrate to Dommes that you truly have submission in your heart.

Yes, your perfect Domme is out there. But, you’ll probably be surprised at how little she resembles your “fantasy Dominatrix.”

 

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)

 

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Why I Chose Submission

Over the last several years of my life, I’ve had several friends both inside and outside of the BDSM community tell me that I’ve never seemed happier than I do now.

As I’ve written in my book – “Energy and BDSM,” I’ve been “kinky” as far back as I remember. Seriously. Long before I learned why little boys and little girls had different body parts and how babies were made, my young, innocent little mind swirled with macabre images of bondage and torment. Sometimes, I was the tormentor. Other times, I was the one shackled to a wall with an evil woman doing painful and lewd things to me while laughing viciously, and enjoying herself the entire time.

My little, pre-pubescent psyche was, as of yet, unencumbered by sexual understanding, pornography, or masturbatory urges. However, in those strange fantasies of torture and sadism, the consenting victim was consistently naked, emotionally hopeless, and spiritually broken – even though I was too young to have described those psychological states the way I can now. And, the villain would always take some time to focus on the most private and vulnerable parts of their prey, adding to the horror of the suffering captive.

I was also, by nature, the little kid who wanted to help everyone. Doing things for other people simply made me feel good. But, what also made me feel good was adventure and taking chances. Getting myself into situations that frightened me, and then overcoming them, gave me a strong sense of satisfaction – and probably took an extra 10 years off my parents’ lives.

That desire for helping others has followed me throughout my life, evidenced by my career choices and work ethic. I’ve always chosen work that 1) was based on self sacrifice in the interest of protecting or caring for others and 2) had an element of serious risk if mistakes were made. Interestingly enough, those jobs also came with the requirement of being able to control circumstances, other people, and myself.

So, it only seemed natural when I found the first outlet for my unique tastes in my late teens (my girlfriend suggested I tie her up and “have my way” with her) that I took the “Dominant” role. And, I enjoyed it. Having a willing “victim” to ravage was everything I’d imagined it to be. I was quick to understand the responsibility that came with that privilege as well. Entering into the “public” realm of practicing BDSM groups reinforced and enhanced my understanding with concepts like “SSC,” safety techniques, and detailed communication.

It wasn’t long, however, before I asked that she reverse the roles and treat me to some bondage and pain. She reluctantly agreed, and I can say that I understood right away that masochism and being restrained held a far different satisfaction for me that easily rivaled what I got from my sadistic endeavors. I tried to be careful, however, not to push too far because my girlfriend (who later became my wife) was clearly not an enthusiastic sadist. Looking back now, I realize she wasn’t really a sadist at all. Unfortunately, as cautious as I was, I was not always successful in not pushing too far for her – and it did cause some waves in the marriage. We divorced after several years. Not because of the kinky stuff, but due to other factors in daily life.

I spent several years switching. But, it was always with someone who was either primarily a submissive or a switch. And, honestly, I never really “submitted” to anyone. I “bottomed” as a masochist. I still enjoyed topping, and primarily lived that role. A good friend once told me that, having watched me in several scenes and in both roles, that I was the only person she knew whom she would call a “true” switch. She said that it was obvious that I was equally passionate, regardless of which role I was in.

It wasn’t until much later, when I first played with a good friend who was strictly a Domme, that I found something “deeper.” I can honestly say I was nervous going in, because I had convinced myself over the years that I was not a submissive. I enjoyed bottoming and masochism, but the one thing that frightened me the most was letting go of all control, and fully giving into someone else’s desires, with no expectations of what I would get out of the venture. I describe this experience in great detail in my book. But, for brevity here, let me just say that entering into the situation I feared the most is exactly where the magic happened for me.

Yes, we negotiated first. We talked extensively. She had me clearly define my limits, my fantasies, and my fears. Then, once the time and place was set, she made perfectly clear to me that – although she was going to respect my limits and keep me safe – I was going to be there to serve her needs. Any rewards or pleasure I would receive would be fully within her discretion.

Sex and orgasm were off the table. This would be a 100% service, submission, and pain experience for me. When the appointed evening began, I was scared, excited, and determined all at the same time. Once the evening was over and I was curled up at her feet, massaging her calves and marveling at the new universe my head was floating around in – I realized I’d found that utopia I’d daydreamed about so many years ago as a young, innocent, untouched soul. After a few more experiences like that, I realized that surrender and loss of control is what I wanted – and I wanted to experience it as deeply as possible.

After a few years of doing this on a strictly platonic level with sadistic Domme friends, I met Mistress Oasis. It was she that introduced a new ingredient to the mix – love and adoration. I can now say I’m officially addicted. I’m in love with her. I love serving her. I love showing her my appreciation in as many ways as I can each day. But, for me, nothing quite compares to the all-enveloping experience of being bound, stripped of all defenses and rights of protest (except for a safe-word), and hurt … all the time knowing that behind the maniacal, deviant smile of my sadistic tormentor lies a heart that melts a little more with every mark she makes, and every squirming moan she draws out of me.

Yeah, I was a good Top, and a good switch. But, it was in letting go and submitting that I finally found my true fulfillment. I haven’t topped in years and, to be quite honest, I’ve never been happier.

 

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