The Cost Of A Fuck-Up

I haven’t been around for a bit.

I haven’t posted anything since last month. I haven’t been on my Twitter account, or my Fetlife or FakeBook accounts either. Yet the clicks keep on coming and coming here on my “Thoughts of a Male Submissive” blog. So I really want to thank all of you who check back here regularly, even when there’s nothing new to look at or read.

I haven’t been very interested in writing for a bit, as I’ve been working through some things.

I did something that hurt Mistress Oasis and shook her trust in me. We faced the issue and talked through it. I didn’t try to defend anything, because I knew I’d hurt her. That’s what felt the worst – even worse than the situation itself.

We played about a week later, and I went very deep into subspace. She went harder than usual in her sadism, and I soaked up everything she had to dish out. This plunged me even deeper into my euphoria. After a short break following some intense single-tail whipping, she removed my hood which had, up to that point, prevented me from seeing or hearing anything.

I rested on the bed with her by my side for a while longer, and then I got up to get something. It was then I saw the look on her face and realized something wasn’t right. I asked a couple of times and coaxed her to tell me what was on her mind. She admitted that during our play she’d realized that she was still mad at me. She continued explaining that some of the additional intensity in the sadism came from her anger and desire to punish me for what I’d done.

My first reaction was deep sadness and guilt for what I’d done a week earlier. Very soon, that turned to hurt because we have never discussed the idea of introducing physical punishment for real-life transgressions into our relationship. I’m not completely against punishment. But the protocol would have to include explaining beforehand that punishment was being considered, and for what reason. It wasn’t long before my high-flying subspace began morphing into a headlong crash.

This was the hardest part for me. I was experiencing sudden, intense sub-drop. However, I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Normally, I let her know when sub-drop hits me, and she cares for me as I go through it. However, I realized that I was the cause of this situation and wasn’t about to complain about how I felt.

This went on for another week. I had headaches, body aches, fatigue and depression. But I stayed silent, feeling I had no right to complain. I finally broke my silence one morning as we were lying in bed. I explained how much hurting her had hurt me, and how I couldn’t open up about my sub-drop because of my guilt. We talked everything out at length, and she was very happy that I’d opened up to her.

So what do I take away from this experience? And what can you, reading this, take away from it?

  • Communication in a committed D/s relationship is paramount. The “original sin” that I’d committed had to do with failing to communicate fully with my Mistress, causing her to question my intentions and trustworthiness. We’d have never experienced this episode if I’d simply updated her on things going on. Additional communication after the initial discussion over the matter could have helped avoid the negative play experience later.
  • You’re never too old or too experienced to make mistakes, or to hurt your partner. You have to be willing to face that and accept responsibility when it happens – even if it wasn’t your intention.
  • As I’ve explained before, real D/s and sadomasochism is far more than just “kinky sex.” Deep submission and domination take the mind, body and emotions into very vulnerable territory. I never blamed Mistress Oasis for the negative feelings creeping in during our play. It happens. I’ve had it happen to me. And if this were vanilla sex (or even “kinky” sex) the worst that would have happened is that I’d have rolled over and been disappointed. But this was a heavy sadomasochistic interaction. The interruption left Mistress Oasis feeling guilty as hell, and it left me feeling guilty and suffering serious sub-drop.

After that second talk, the air was fully clear. We’ve played again since then. I went nice and deep once again, and she went wild and sadistic once again. But this time it was the familiar, loving sadism I’ve come to know and love from my Mistress.

I think it’s important to share experiences like these, especially with those who are new to this lifestyle. The intense emotions we experience in BDSM can cause even minor misunderstandings feel like the end of the world, or like there is nowhere to turn to fix things. The best course of action is to simply communicate with honesty, re-confirm that you love what you have with your partner, and that you want to find a solution to whatever issues you are having.

 

In the end, this may well be the deepest love you’ll ever feel for someone. It’s definitely worth the effort.

More BDSM in the News – 07/30/2018

If you wanted to put girls in ball-gags, you could have just asked!!
The Kinkiest Scientific Study Ever? Neuro-BDSM
“…the rationale for the experiment was that the ball gag might inhibit the brain’s empathetic response to suffering by preventing facial muscle movements.” (Riiiight….)

Pregnancy and Kink – DO or DON’T??
Can you still take part in BDSM when you’re pregnant?
“Pregnancy, whether you’re kinky or not, shouldn’t get rid of your sex life and it definitely doesn’t have to pause your participation in scenes”

Hey!! The “nillas” are discussing consent!!
What bdsm can teach us all about consent
“A skilled Mistress uses her slaves’ sexual and emotional desire to control them and cement that control of their psyche.”

Well, Damn…I could have told y’all this!!
Men Who Know How To Drive A Woman Wild Do This One Ridiculously Hot Thing
“learning how to have sex in which you channel the polarity between these two energies can take you both to heightened levels of satisfaction.”
(For more on using/channeling your energy during play, check out my book, ENERGY and BDSM“)

I’m no expert, but I don’t think this counts as a BDSM encounter.
Woman ‘strangled BDSM lover during rough sex’ and chopped up body in Satanic ritual
“The corpse’s arms and legs were severed, as was the penis.”

On a tragic note – what happens when a Top is not focused on the bottom’s safety…
UCLA professor dies in ‘mummification’ ritual at Hollywood executive’s home
“wrapped “head to toe in plastic wrap and gaffer’s tape, with small breathing holes at the nose and mouth,” according to an autopsy report obtained late last week”

 

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Topping From the Bottom Ain’t Always Bad

Topping a semi-heavy masochist is not easy. I know, I’ve been at both ends of the whip. By “semi-heavy masochist,” I mean someone who needs much more than some spanking and flogging, but who still has limits that fall short of the severe. For masochists like us, it’s a balance. We like to creep up to just this side of “RED,” and then ride the edge of that cliff as long as we can.

For the Top or Dominant of such a masochist, keeping them on that cliff isn’t an easy job. Speaking personally, my reactions to pain while riding that edge can be very intense and dramatic. Although I’m not uttering a safe-word, it can appear as if I’m really struggling to endure the pain. On top of that, my pain threshold fluctuates – sometimes from day to day. Mistress Oasis often struggles with just how hard to push me. She loves inflicting pain and savors my reactions to it. However, hearing a safe-word come from me really upsets her. She shoulders the “fault” for pushing me “too far,” despite the fact that neither one of us truly knows what “too far” is until we get there.

Several times throughout my years in the lifestyle, I’ve “bottomed” for newbies trying to learn or hone their skills. It was no big thing for me to coach them along as they would flog me. “It’s okay, you can swing harder.” “Don’t hit there, that’s my kidney.” “Try stepping back/stepping closer and make sure to aim your swing.” You get the gist. I was a training dummy who gave real time feedback.

The phenomenon of “Topping from the Bottom” is usually referred to in a negative light. Subs are not supposed to top from the bottom, because this is disrespectful to the Dominant. It’s viewed as not being a “good submissive.” For anyone who may not know what “Topping from the Bottom” is, imagine a sub, on their hands and knees with their ass in the air. Their Dominant is busy working on them with a flogger. Now imagine the sub saying, “Hey, try to hit more in the center, not just the right cheek. I like it more centered.”…”Why don’t you work on my back for a while? I like it on my back more than my ass.” … “Oh, can you switch to the heavy flogger? This one is too stingy.” That should give you the idea. The sub wants to be “dominated” by someone, but wants to call all the shots along the way.

It’s not just Dominants who look poorly upon this behavior. Many of us subs don’t like it either. Speaking personally again, I don’t like to have to engage my brain in a scene to the point necessary to actually speak coherently. I enjoy letting go and flying away while Mistress Oasis does her thing. Yes, sometimes she does things that I can honestly say I don’t “like.” However, as I explain in my book “ENERGY and BDSM,” enduring pain that I truly don’t enjoy for the sake of my Mistress’s enjoyment often melts me into a deeper submissive state in my own head. And the “not-so-fun” stuff doesn’t last forever. Eventually, we get back to something that I love, and the roller coaster ride goes on and on.

However, Mistress Oasis and I occasionally change things up a bit, she will let me run the show from a position of vulnerability. It helps us grow in our dynamic, because it takes the responsibility of “reading me” off of her shoulders. Basically, we do things we normally do, except I give more positive verbal feedback. During our regular play, I don’t speak much, unless something is wrong. During these occasional “Top from the Bottom” days, I can encourage her to do more, or to continue to increase the intensity, or even suggest new things that I’ve wanted to try.

I know it’s tempting to think, “Why can’t she just keep increasing intensity on her own as long as you aren’t calling a safe-word?” That would be a good question. And again, it goes back to her not wanting to get to the point of a safe word. Some sadists are perfectly comfortable pushing further and further as long as a sub allows them. However, in Mistress Oasis’s mind, once the safe-word has been uttered, things have gone too far and a sense of guilt and responsibility accompany that. She’s not as unique as you may think. There are lots of sadists out there who really, really get off on hurting someone, as long as that masochist is clearly enjoying the ride – but cannot stand the idea of truly causing someone “bad” pain. This is a very positive trait for a sadist to posses. So it is because of this that the occasional break from the norm can be helpful in a sado-masochistic relationship.

Another benefit of these sessions, as I mentioned earlier, is the chance to try some new things. I have a very fertile imagination when it comes to dreaming up creative ways for my body to be bound and tortured. Some of these ideas can be pretty complex. So, just telling someone the idea and having them try to act it out often doesn’t achieve the desired result. Mistress Oasis loves when I rig up a new bondage position, or a new CBT idea. We recently introduced pulleys to go along with our weight play. Using pulleys and weights to place a load on nipple clamps or a CBT parachute opens up all kinds of new possibilities. But one has to familiarize themselves with more knots, mechanical reasoning, proper weight placement, etc. Allowing me to guide the activity allows her to understand exactly the ideas I have in my head and duplicate, or even modify them.

Additionally, these sessions do not always remain academic. Some of our absolute best scenes have started out with me coaching her in a new idea. Once the ball gets rolling, she gets very “into” what she is doing, and I get very “into” what is happening to me. We basically both get so hot we fall back into our proper roles and play out a real scene.

So, if you’ve always thought of “Topping from the Bottom” as a bad thing, perhaps you should consider how much you, as a Dominant, could learn – or you, as a sub, could benefit from setting aside some time to let the “bottom” take the steering wheel for a few hours and test the waters. You may be shocked at the exciting new things you’ll discover.

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 5 – The Mature Metal Jailbird

The next stop on my chastity journey was Mature Metal. This is a company out of Texas that makes custom stainless steel cages. They have five models to choose from. Their “Jailbird” model is one of the most recognized cages amongst chastity aficionados. Spend a little time on an online chastity forum and you’ll see lots of guys praising the Jailbird as the greatest cage they have ever worn. I suppose you could say it’s the Ford F-150 of cock cages.

Mature Metals creates each cage based on a customer’s individual measurements. Those measurements are penis length, penis diameter, and the “gap.” The gap is the distance between the base ring that goes around your balls, and the base of the penis. This gap is important to ensure a snug fit for the cage, and allow room for the constant “anatomical changes” your penis goes through all day. A proper gap between the ring and the cage also ensure you can’t slip out of the cage when you’re flaccid. Oh YES! If the gap is too big, you may be tempted to slip the old one-eyed weasel out of his holding pen through that gap and give him a good stroking when Mistress isn’t around, you naughty wanker!

The Mature Metal “Jailbird”

The Jailbird starts at $225.00. I think they’ve dropped their prices. I could have sworn mine was a little over $300. But, I digress.

I spent quite some time staring at Mature Metal’s website, and reading their measuring instructions and product descriptions. To be honest, the price seemed a bit steep for me and I genuinely took time to question just how badly I wanted my manhood locked up. Well, I wanted to be locked up, but I questioned how much I was willing to spend to make it happen. In the end, considering that I own probably close to $7000 worth of BDSM toys alone, I decided that Mature Metal’s price seemed fair for what I’d be getting.

I followed their measuring instructions, and even measured myself several times throughout the day, and averaged them to get the perfect fit that would handle my manhood at its most erect and most flaccid. Knowing that it was entirely up to me to ensure that my cage would fit correctly added an extra touch of anxiety. But, I sent in what I had, and ordered my Jailbird.

Wearing My Jailbird

The first thing I noticed about the Jailbird was that this thing was heavy. Not crazy heavy as to make it unreasonable. Basically, if you’re used to a plastic cage, and you pick one of these things up, you quickly realize this is a no-bullshit chunk of metal that is going to trap your cock for real. It has a serious, industrial look to it while also radiating – dare I say – elegance in its design. I can honestly say these people do good work.

Unlike the CB6000, which is a plastic tube with a few slots near the base for “ventilation,” the Jailbird is a fully “open” design. Basically that means the only places where your skin is covered, and not exposed to the air, is where one of the metal bars crosses over flesh. And, of course, your flesh will move around inside this cage a little bit. Bottom line here is that you aren’t spending all day in something that has completely sealed your cock off from the outside, and sealed in every droplet of sweat your skin emits throughout the day.

Remember what I said about wanting to be prepared? Mistress Oasis found a nifty idea online to ensure that I had a key to the padlock in the event of an emergency – and only an emergency. She found tiny little zippered bags on Etsy. They were about the size of a silver dollar. Just big enough to fit the miniature padlock key inside. Once the key was inside, she super-glued the zipper shut. The bag could be cut open if I ever needed the key in an emergency. It even had a key ring attached. So I was able to carry the spare key on my keychain. Regardless of how strong one’s fantasy is to be locked up long term, it is far easier to do so when one knows that it can be removed in a dire circumstance.

I finally had a cage that allowed me to clean myself with no more effort than simply soaping up my hands or a wash cloth, and rubbing it around the surface of the cage. By holding everything under the shower for a minute, I was completely rinsed off. And, drying afterward was a breeze. Throughout the day, because air could constantly flow over my skin, I felt very dry and fresh down there most of the time.

I found that wearing my piercing inside the cage was not practical. No matter what I tried, throughout the day, I’d regularly get pinched between the ring and the steel bars of the Jailbird. I’d read and seen pics of guys who would run their PA ring through the front of the bars as well as through their PA, essentially locking the tip of their cock to the front of the cage. Many express a greater sense of surrender and “in-escapability” with this method. Truly, even if you could slip your cock out of the cage through the gap (and I discovered that when totally flaccid and with some effort, I could), then having the pierced head of your cock physically connected to the end of the cage by a metal ring would certainly prevent any such attempts. I tried this arrangement, but discovered that the pinching increased. Additionally, I just didn’t like the idea of having a titanium ring attached to a somewhat movable metal cage, and then going through a hole in my cock. As a “what if” kind of guy, I didn’t like the prospect of what might happen to the underside of my penis if something were to accidentally cause the cage to pull forward when I was shriveled. The idea of having that skin down there ripped open really gives me the heebie-jeebies.

So, I gave up my PA ring for the privilege of being caged for my beloved Mistress. However, now I had a permanent hole underneath the head of my cock. (No, it never grew over completely.) Having a hole on the underside of your cock leads to issues with – you guessed it – URINATION.

I was already in the habit of sitting down to pee with the CB6000. The Jailbird was actually a little shorter, and had a slightly more pronounced downward curve to it, which would have made standing at a urinal absolutely impossible. I’d have been soaking my britches every day. The addition of a second hole in the penis pointing 90 degrees perpendicular to the natural opening means you’d better have a wide “field of fire” when you relieve yourself. However, after-pee cleanup is so much easier than with the plastic tube of the CB6000. You simply grab some toilet paper and dab around the end of the cage.

This is one of the realities you must be willing to face and deal with if you have the desire to be in a cage for extended periods. No matter the style, or the construction, or how many ingenious openings they include in your model – sooner or later you wind up pissing on or in your cage. It is unavoidable.

Did I mention that the Jailbird is heavy? All throughout the chastity forums and websites, guys express a preference to the steel cages because of the feel and heft of the metal. It gives them a heightened “awareness” of  being entrapped and controlled. Make no mistake; cock cages are a form of bondage. And, those of us who love bondage do so because of the sense of vulnerability, surrender, loss of free will, and control that it brings. There is a big difference between being tied up with silk scarves to the bedpost, and being restrained with thick leather cuffs attached to steel anchor points drilled into a wall. The same contrast can be observed between a lightweight, clear plastic cage and one made of unbending steel that weighs about a half pound. Mentally and emotionally, you KNOW that your cock is not really yours anymore. And, when you took the time to take all of your measurements and paid the $225 + for it, you tend to become pretty “attached” to your little personal prison. (pun intended)

The Jailbird has a far less noticeable ‘signature’ under clothing as well. Even without underwear, the shape and curvature of this cage made it invisible under jeans, shorts, and work clothes alike.

Finally, the Jailbird is just plain fun to wear for play. It has the look and feel that says your cock belongs to someone else. Without a doubt, it has a psychological effect on the wearer. Mistress Oasis loved the look of it as well. The open steel cage design allows for access all along the shaft and head, which is not offered by the CB6000. So, Mistress Oasis could string me up with the Jailbird in place, and poke me with skewers, run her favorite pinwheel over my cock, or even drip hot wax on it without having to remove the cage itself.

So, all in all, the Jailbird was everything that it was advertised to be. It should have been my “forever” cage, right?

Well, the following are my negative experiences with the Jailbird cage:

Base ring problems. This cage should be a full 2 1/2 inches lower – back where my skin is still white. Notice the red chafing just behind the ring? Yeah, late night hard-ons hurt like a motherfucker!

Base Ring – I have a problem. My penis has a very wide range of size variation between its shrunken state and an erection. No, I’m not John Holmes or anything like that. But, I’m above average when erect. I’ve also had a vasectomy that included titanium clips left permanently clamped to the ends of the cut tubes. Ideally, a cage with a base ring will fit in such a way that the base ring stays just behind the scrotum, and the cage itself will remain snug on the penis, slid back all the way to the base of the penis. I got a base ring that successfully did this while I was limp. However, once I got erect, I had the same problem that I did with the CB6000. The ring would cut off my circulation. Then, my erect penis would push the whole cage forward, pulling on my balls. Sometimes, the ring would trap the titanium clips from my vasectomy in front of it, and then it was forcefully pulling forward on the clips. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a super painful erection, with my balls purple and I could feel the strain on my tubes deep inside – not knowing how long I’d been asleep with the blood to my genitals seriously restricted. So, we would have to take the cage off at night.

Looking at the overstretched balls from another angle. Not safe!

I ordered a new ring that was 1/8th inch larger in diameter. Now, my circulation didn’t get cut off as badly but the forward pull on my balls was just as painful. Additionally, now whenever I was flaccid, the cage would begin to slide down my balls and penis. One particularly warm day when everything in my shorts was very soft and loose, Mistress and I were taking a walk. At the end of it, we got in the car. I could tell that the cage had slid down a bit and opened my fly to adjust it. The cage had slid halfway down my cock and was resting on top of my balls.

The base ring of the plastic CB6000 is a semi-circle with a removable top that is integrated into the locking mechanism. What that means is that the base ring can be slid on or off regardless of the condition of the penis, hard or soft. The base ring of the Jailbird is one solid piece. It cannot be slid past the balls when I’m erect. It can only slide on and off when I’m totally soft. This can cause a problem.

Mobility – Despite the issues above with the base ring, the cage is still very comfortable – until you have to lie on your stomach to do some kind of household repair. Then there is simply nowhere for the stainless steel Jailbird to go but into your pelvic bone and upper thighs. Working out at the gym with the Jailbird on was no problem, except for leg curls that require you to lie face down. I could even ride my bike. But, not being able to lie down to handle various maintenance chores was a hindrance I could not abide.

Neither of these issues is a flaw on the part of the Mature Metal cage. Their product was exactly what they said it would be. However, I realized that my body is simply not compatible with a cage that has a base ring. Anatomically, I’m just not built for it. The constriction caused us real concern about potential blood clots or other health risks. So, I had to continue looking at other options.

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 4 – The CB6000

CB6000 – This is one of the most popular chastity cages around. It’s not exactly the best cage. But, it is a good combination of price, fair quality, and versatility.

The CB6000 is offered by CB-X, and they’ve been around for awhile.  The basic models of this cage are made entirely of plastic. The most common model they sell is clear, but they also offer some various colored versions and even a couple of cages formed out of metal.

Mistress Oasis helps showcase my CB6000. This is the 3 inch cage with a regular padlock.

A basic package includes five different sized base rings, the cage section (the tube your cock goes into), and connecting pins and spacers to adjust the gap between the cage and ring. It’s a great cage for getting started because of the different sizes you can experiment with to establish what works best for you. Some guys actually stick with the CB-X cages for full-time wear. One of the nice things about the CB-X cages is that, if you have to go through any metal detectors, the plastic cage will not set them off (considering you don’t use a metal lock.) In fact, they even offer plastic locks to ensure this. These are one time only locks that have to be cut off. They are serial numbered, in case trust is an issue.

The 3 inch CB6000 with plastic, disposable lock. Click on the image for a video demonstration. (Video will open in a new window for PornHub)

This cage is lightweight. It’s all plastic, unless you opted for one of their chrome tube sections. It requires that you assemble six separate pieces to lock it on. Once you get the knack of putting the pieces together, the cage goes on and comes off pretty easily. And, I cannot say that it isn’t a comfortable cage. I opted for a package with a 3 inch tube as opposed to the 2 ½ inch tube. I felt the shorter tube would scrunch me up too much. With the right sized ring and the right sized spacers, it was snug and comfortable.

OUCHIE!!

However, the first problem I discovered was the fact that when I got an erection, my cock pushed forward on the tube. The tube was connected to the base ring. When the base ring slid forward, it would pull and stretch my balls painfully. Wearing a larger base ring would make it easier for it to slide up and squish my balls within their sack. Trying a slightly smaller base ring resulted in less sliding. But, it would also cut off the circulation at the base of my penis, causing it to turn purple and my balls to turn dark, and hurt badly within minutes of an erection.

Tied down with the CB6000 3 inch cage – ready for play!

 

Secondly, I discovered the urination issues. Working in a large office building with large restrooms and lots of people running around, I quickly realized that standing up at a urinal was no longer going to be an option for me. Each time I went to piss, I had to manipulate the head of my cock to line up with the slot at the end of the cage. I have a natural curve and, after several hours of sitting at a computer with everything shriveled up in “office mode,” things would become a little cock-eyed within the cage. I couldn’t very well stand at a urinal four and five times a day fiddling with my caged trouser snake each time, trying to get things lined up. So, urination became a sitting event for me.

One time, when I was in a hurry, I decided to just go ahead and stand at the urinal. I had on a suit with a coat, which blocked my view of the caged beast. “No worries,” I decided, and let go the flow. It wasn’t until I felt the warmth spreading around my left thigh that I realized that my pee-hole and the cage’s pee-hole weren’t aligned just right. A steady portion of the piss was dribbling along the bottom of the cage, back up the cage – literally defying gravity – and soaking into the front of my grey trousers. I had a giant, unmistakable wet stain from my crotch to half-way down my thigh. I spent 20 minutes in a handicapped stall trying to dry the spot with paper towels, and by furiously waving my hands in front of them. Once it seemed dry enough, I went to my boss, with my briefcase in front of me, and told her I was feeling ill, and had to go home. That was the last time I’ve ever stood to urinate in a public restroom with a cage on.

This is a 2 1/2 inch CHROME cage we got for the CB6000. We modified it for electric play. You can click on the image for a short video. (Video will open in a new window for PornHub)

Cleaning the CB6000 was a chore as well. I have a 6 guage PA piercing. I’m NEVER able to pee without some dribbling going on. Even with stuffing toilet paper into the urination slot after each trip to the toilet, a little drip here and a little drip there stays in the cage and dries. You can imagine what the smell gets like by the end of the day. (Sexy, huh?)

I found advice on a male chastity site that said to use Q-tips to get inside and clean the penis. So, each evening in the shower, I’d wet and soap up the Q-tip, insert it up through the pee slot, and swab it around inside the tube. The Q-tip would quickly become flimsy and unusable. So, I’d have to continue with another, and another. Then I had to use yet another Q-tip to insert into the tube and press against my penis to allow water to flow through the cage to rinse it out. I became fairly good at this, and could get everything cleaned up using about 6 Q-tips. But then, how to dry myself inside a plastic tub?? Well, more Q-tips, of course. I’d insert dry Q-tips one at a time and swirl them around inside the cage between my skin and the plastic. It usually took about 6 more Q-tips (both ends) to get everything dry. I later found these little items that helped the cleaning process immensely. They are narrower than Q-tips, and the heads are made of foam rather than spun cotton, so they don’t fall apart. But, Q-tips still work best for drying.

I had a couple of unique experiences with the CB6000 at work. One day, as I was walking quickly down a long hallway filled with people, my 6 gauge titanium PA ring managed to position itself just right so that it swayed back and forth inside the plastic cage with each step. It created a crisp and clearly audible “CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK” as I hustled down the hallway. Another issue I had with my piercing was that it would occasionally trap a tiny bit of the tip of my cock between the ring and the plastic of the cage, causing a painful pinch.

My most horrifying experience was after I’d decided to stop wearing underwear to reduce the ball crushing I had to endure from the base ring every time I sat down. I was standing one morning at my boss’ desk, who was a female, discussing some strategies on a project I was managing. About ten minutes into the conversation, I happened to look down, and noticed that my pants were just snug enough to present a perfect outline of my cage. Looking at the CB6000, you can see that the tube is shaped exactly like a penis – complete with a large, bulbous head at the end. It didn’t look like a bulge. It didn’t look like I’d stuffed a sock in my pants. It looked like the unmistakable outline of A COCK pressing against the fabric of my business pants! (although I did get another raise in pay very soon thereafter. I wonder…….)

The final straw with the CB6000 for me was when I started feeling a very sharp pain on the underside of my penis, right near the base. I discovered that the seam running down the middle of the cage had begun to split. It was trapping my skin in the tiny space between the two halves of the cage, and actually causing a cut. So, we began looking for a new style of cage.

None of this is to say that the CB6000 is a bad cage. I’m just sharing my experiences with it. I think if you are starting out with chastity, and don’t want to drop over $200 for one of the custom metal cages just yet, it’s a great starter. You can get the full package from CB-X for $150.00. That will supply you with everything you need to experiment with different rings and spacers to see what combination works best – or if it works for you at all. You can purchase additional cage sections of different sizes and colors – including pink or camo, if that’s your thing. You can even add plastic “spikes” that poke into your shaft when you get hard, and various other accessories.

There was one other feature I liked. I’m a bit of a survival/prepper type guy. No, I don’t live in a bunker under the house or anything like that. But, I constantly maintain awareness of my surroundings and regularly have mental plans for what I’d do if something bad occurred. No, I don’t wander around all day worrying. I just play an ongoing game of “what if.” Anyway, at that time I was working in a major urban/metropolitan area, and had to commute an hour each way. This was at a time when we were having a lot of bombings, mass shootings, civil unrest and racial violence throughout the US. If I got stuck inside the city in a bad situation, the last thing I wanted was my cock and balls all confined in a plastic trap. The CB6000 can be completely removed in an emergency by cutting the end off the plastic center pin. This was a comfort, because I could leave home without any emergency key (more on that in the next section), and still be assured that, with the pocket knife I carry everywhere I go, I could get myself out of the cage if I had to.

The most helpful tip for someone considering the CB6000 would be to arrange to remove the cage for showering each day. It makes cleaning so much easier. Why didn’t I do it that way? Well, Mistress Oasis and I had already decided that our goal in all this was to achieve “24/7” wear for me, with the cage only coming off when she decides to use my cock for her pleasure. From what I’ve studied of the male chastity lifestyle, there are lots of guys out there who share the same desire to remove the cage as little as possible. But, keeping things clean down there is very important. Perhaps a couple can establish a protocol where the Domme unlocks the cage before the sub showers, and replaces it immediately after he towels off.

<<< BACK TO PART 3                                                          PART 5 >>>

 

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Getting Your Mind Right for Play

If you have been in a long-term D/s relationship for any length of time, you know that life throws us little curve balls from time to time that can affect our moods and overall enthusiasm for the play we enjoy. Of course, we all have our little practices here and there that help us stay “in role” throughout our days, right? A slave may hand her Master his cup of coffee in a certain way. Or, a Mistress may plant a kiss on her sub with her hand around his throat as a reminder of her position over him. I have my own little idiosyncrasies that I’ll throw into my everyday interactions with Mistress Oasis. But, we aren’t always in the correct mindset to drop what we’re doing and jump into a scene. If we are honest with ourselves, some of life’s little challenges can do a real number on our enthusiasm.

As I wrote about in this post, it’s perfectly okay if you’re not in a play mood. We subs and masochists rely on our mindset the most to allow us to perform in our roles. I’d say if you really cannot shake the “blahs,” or you cannot get the day’s stresses out of your head, then NOT playing is an acceptable choice.

But yesterday was Wednesday – the day that Mistress Oasis and I eagerly look forward to each week. Wednesdays are set aside as our weekly “play day.” That’s not to say that we don’t play on any other day or night. But, we have declared every Wednesday to be totally devoted to play. No matter what, we turn off the work computers. I get the play room and the rest of the house set up. Phones are turned off. All day and well into the night, we play, and love, and interact within our roles with no outside interruptions. We do nice, long, intense scenes with leisurely breaks in between. And, despite my stresses this week – yesterday was another awesome play-day with my Mistress.

If you are like me, it is difficult to just put down all the little demons in your life and keep them out of your head for several hours to indulge in BDSM play. But mindset IS crucial in our arena. And, the harder you play, the more important it is to not allow wayward thoughts into your head. Here are 5 methods I use when I want to get myself out of the emotional funk and into play mode.

  • Give yourself permission – Remind yourself and accept that all of those problems that you are worrying about will be right there waiting for you again when you are finished playing, and that it is okay to put them on the proverbial “back burner” while you enjoy yourself for a little while. If you are a sub, perhaps it would help for your Dominant to verbally confirm that you have permission to set aside your worries for a while, and enjoy your time together.
  • Schedule Play – Impromptu play and play with little warning can be fun. However, it gives you little time to mentally prepare if you are in a funk. Trying to “push through” and just perform despite your head not being in the game can really turn out bad. Just ask any masochistic sub. We feel like total failures when we have to use a safeword and make our Domme taper down the intensity. With a specific date and time established for a scene, you have more opportunity to mentally prepare and establish the necessary mindset.
  • Ritualize – Come up with routines that signify your bond with your partner. Having certain rituals you do just prior to play is a great way to condition your mind and body. You can ritualize undressing, or having cuffs placed on. I have a particular leather collar I wear for play time. Only Mistress Oasis puts it on and takes it off. I assume a position on all fours for her to do this. Ritual. When my sensory deprivation hood goes on, I kneel on the floor in front of the couch and Mistress sits down to put it on me. Ritual. Other examples can be foot or back rubs, showering or bathing each other. Maybe doing some domestic chores is your thing. Over time, your mind associates the repeated ritual acts with the sensations and emotions you experience from the play. You’ll discover that just going through the rituals will stir emotions and arousal in you before you even get started with the play.
  • Start with sex – If you’ve read either of my books, FemDom Dating or Energy and BDSM, you’ll know that I put a lot of emphasis on not making sex your primary focus in your BDSM endeavors. The rewards are well worth any “frustration” you might suffer. However, if you are with an established and regular partner, then sometimes a good roll in the hay prior to BDSM play can really get your juices flowing, and help you re-connect. But for you guys, hold back the orgasm. We tend to perform better when we’re “under tension.” I’ve had lots of Dommes proclaim that most male subs are pretty useless after a climax. I know I lose about half my pain tolerance with an orgasm. Even if I take some time for a re-charge, and play again, my pain threshold usually isn’t the same.
  • Organize the play area – This aspect sort of blurs into the “ritualize” category. Certainly the act of organizing your play area can be ritualized. But, having your play area set up can help you avoid uncomfortable pauses in play that can pull you back out of the mood. Lay toys out neatly so each can be found easily. Pre-tie your tie points. Carabiners clips from Home Depot are cheap and handy for easy on / easy off subbie restraining. Adjust any straps, buckles, slides, or snaps on any accessories that have them so there is a minimum of fumbling when it’s time to put things on.

In the end, if nothing else works, you can always conclude that your head just isn’t right for play. But there are still non-play activities you can engage in within your dynamic.  But over the years, I’ve found that, using the methods described above, I’ve gotten myself out of some pretty bad funks and enjoy some fantastic scenes.



FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male's Guide To Attracting Dominant Women

Straight-Forward, honest advice on how to attract the Domme of your dreams. Learn how to build a high-quality profile that will get hits, send messages that will get responses. Learn about attending munches and parties. Speak to Dommes with respectful confidence. Proper etiquette for a date with a Domme- AND SO MUCH MORE. Stop dreaming about kneeling at a strong woman's feet and finally do it!!

  

ENERGY and BDSM: Exploration of a Deeper Experience


BDSM is sexy. But it is so much more! BDSM evokes strong emotions, amazing head-space, and loving connections. This book explains how to transform your BDSM play from just a spicy twist on sex to a positive force in your life that soothes the spirit. Turn your BDSM relationship into a powerful bond that will draw you and your partner deeper into each other's hearts. Along the way, Slave Dragos shares his own experiences with this energy connection. He explains his own growth in BDSM and how he came to realize this energy within himself. If you've ever wondered if kinky play can bring you more than just a good orgasm, this is the book for you!

 

“FemDom Dating” is SO Controversial…It Got My FetLife Account Shut Down

The idea for my new book, “FemDom Dating: The Submissive’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” occurred to me about a year ago. The thought was, instead of continually bashing “submissive” guys for the silly (and often disgustingly offensive) messages they send to Dominant women in their attempts to attract potential play partners, and possibly cultivate romantic relationships, why not create a comprehensive, easy-to-read guide that will show them how to properly approach these women??

Let’s be honest here. I know, probably better than most, that a HUGE number of men on alternative dating and social sites who claim to be “submissive” are not only NOT “submissive” – but they also don’t give a rat’s ass about anything outside of their own fantasies and orgasms. I get it. But at the same time, there are plenty of men wandering clueless through cyberspace who honestly and passionately dream of giving their time, their devotion, and their priorities to a strong, Dominant woman. But, they STILL think dick pics and “HI” messages are the way all of this is done. Those are the guys I wanted to reach, and help realize their dreams.

I know that it gets really old for you Dommes to read lame message after lame message from “subs” that reek of zero thought or creativity. But, I also believe that there are genuine guys out there who just need some brotherly guidance, rather than a cyber-punch to the face every time they ask a question on “Dominant Women” group discussions.

Anyone who’s written a book knows that the first step is to gather as much information and supporting facts as possible to give yourself a nice bundle of substantive material to weed through, and come up with the best writing ideas. And, so it was with this book. I didn’t want it to be completely anecdotal, based only on my experiences. So, I reached out and asked for input from Dommes on FetLife. I posted my request for some very general information in one of the groups.

Ohhhhhhhh Boy!!

Right away, Mistress Troll (not her real name) fired off a nasty reply, telling me how people like ME are ruining this community by taking advantage of others’ private information and communications. She went on to say that she hoped that John Baku himself would find out about my dastardly deeds, and ban me from FetLife forever. Then, she made sure to ANNOUNCE that she would be blocking my sorry ass – so there! Bleahhhhh!! (Picture a mean bitch sticking her tongue out when you read that.)

Meanwhile back at the farm, many Dommes did reach out to me privately and I appreciate all their assistance. Some even commented on how ridiculous Mistress Troll’s response had been.

Well, within a couple of days, I suddenly couldn’t log into my profile. I received a polite email from FetLife’s equivalent of customer service (I forget what they call themselves) telling me that my account had been frozen because they believed that I was currently violating, or was plotting to violate their rules of conduct. It took me a couple of days of back and forth emails, promising that I wasn’t going to take a bunch of people’s PM’s and splash them all over a book and publish it – complete with FetLife handles and whatnot. (And, subsequently, FemDom Dating does NOT contain any content from FetLife.) But in the end, my profile was back up. It was quite tempting, I must say, to give a little shout out to Mistress Troll, saying, “Yo bitch, I’m back!!” But thankfully, I’m more of an adult than she is.

Mistress Oasis took a peek at Mistress Troll’s profile and guess what? SHE whines, moans, and bitches in her writings and group posts about the exact issue I’m trying to address in my book! Sub males sending her trashy correspondence and expecting her to drop what she’s doing and engage in sex with them! So, one would think that she would appreciate my efforts.

Anyway, “FemDom Dating” is NOT controversial after all. It was written to benefit sub males and Dommes alike. The book has been published despite Mistress Troll’s efforts. It’s on AMAZON now, and was the #1 New Release within its category the very next day.

More than anything, I guess I feel kind of sad for someone whose only source of accomplishment and satisfaction is found in tearing down other people who set out to  create something to benefit others. I’m not sure if Mistress Troll was angry that someone would actually try to write an informative guide to help submissive males better themselves or if she thought she was somehow boosting her own popularity by trying to brand me as a danger to the FetLife community, and then attacking me as a straw-man.

FemDom Dating offers advice on self improvement – what works and what doesn’t when it comes to building online profiles, messaging Dommes, and posting in groups. I explain what has worked for me as far as cultivating friendships with Dommes, being respectful without grovelling, and how to propose meeting, dating and play in dignified and positive ways.

Check out my publisher, Well Heeled Dominatrix for other titles by FemDom authors.

 

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Get “Energy and BDSM” HERE

More BDSM in the News!!

Have you ever wondered where all the leather came from?
Let’s Dissect Queer Men’s Longstanding Connection to Leather and BDSM
“But BDSM isn’t so much about the pleasure (or pain) as much as it’s about the experience and the intensity.”

Be Kinky – And Prosper
Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success
“A healthy relationship to kink can absolutely be the underlying cause of some people’s success”

“Snow White” with a BDSM twist
Gaultier goes S&M with Snow White ballet costumery
“Snow White is dressed in a toga and the Queen wears a typically Gaultier-esque S&M style ensemble of thigh-high boots and a bustier.”

A prime example of how vanillas misunderstand us. This is self-mutlation, not sadomasochism – and this poor man needs professional help.
Sadomasochist, 30, hacks away at his own penis with a knife after porn video ‘sends him into a frenzy’
“When blood started pouring uncontrollably from his penis, Whisanu panicked and tried to stem the flow before calling paramedics.”

Well written vanilla article on the difference between BDSM and abuse.
There’s a difference between kinky and abusive and we need to be clear about that
You cannot be too clear about consent. Talk about it, discuss it over message or email. Ask direct questions. Do not assume. Just because someone is happy for you to slap their face doesn’t mean they’ll be happy for you to pull their hair.

 

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Buy This Book At Amazon

Sometimes I feel like a sub… Sometimes I don’t

I found a question in a group discussion from a guy asking how to get himself “into a submissive mood” after he’s come home from a hard day, and just can’t seem to switch from vanilla to “sub” on command.

A theme I touch on in both my books: FemDom Dating and Energy and BDSM is as follows: Before we are a sub, a Dom, a masochist, a sadist, a slave or owner – we are all human beings first.

As a human, we each have a soul and a psyche. These things aren’t static. They change. They evolve. They shift back and forth like tides in the ocean. And sometimes – like an ocean tide – we cannot stop or change what our minds and bodies are doing.

I’m submissive to Mistress Oasis – and only her. Toward everyone else, I’m a confident, strong, outspoken, opinionated man with strong values and some unwavering beliefs. So, my mindset shifts several times daily, from how I interact with the outside world to how I interact with my Mistress. Additionally, my interactions with her in public are different than my interactions with her behind closed doors.

However, I go through cycles where I cannot throw that switch and go from “jeans and T-shirt guy” to the naked slave on the floor licking Mistress’ boots. Sometimes, my pain threshold goes way off kilter and I cannot take anywhere near the pain I took last week. Sometimes, all of the naked domestic service and play in the world just won’t take my mind to that magical place I usually like to float around in for hours and hours. What’s a poor subbie to do?!?!

Well, if you are a sub and experiencing such difficulty, the first thing to do is to relax. Understand that this type of shift is normal. It can be frustrating, yes. Disappointing, yes. But, it’s a totally normal human condition.

In my opinion, there are lots of things you can do for your Dominant, even if you can’t get yourself into that “submissive” mindset. But first, communication is paramount. Your Dominant and you must have an understanding that:

1) There will be times when you will simply not be in “sub”” mode, and

2) What the two of you will do when this is the case.

(Note: Dommes can go through the same thing. They can have periods where they just want to co-exist with you without necessarily consider themselves “over” you. So, it’s a good thing to have an understanding about this as well.)

Once you and your Dominant have come to terms with the fact that you are in a slump, there are things you can do to maintain some of your submissive presence, without pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone.

  1. If your situation allows you to be unclothed, and being unclothed won’t throw you off emotionally, then by all means – get those clothes off. Even if the rest of your evening will be spent watching TV, doing so with you naked and your Domme dressed will still be an expression of your devotion as her sub. Add a collar if you like to really make the statement.
  2. Make dinner, or order it and serve it up to your Domme with a nice table setting.
  3. Draw a bath for her. Almost every woman I’ve known enjoys sitting in a tub and relaxing while having their back scrubbed gently and their hair washed. Some candles and a glass of wine can add a very loving touch.
  4. Foot rubs. Who doesn’t LOVE a good foot rub?? Again, add to the experience by doing it naked. Even better, sit on the floor and prop her feet up while she sits in a chair. Being on my knees and rubbing my Domme’s feet actually helps deliver me into my submissive headspace. If your Domme doesn’t like her feet messed with (I’ve known some just like that), then rub her back and shoulders.
  5. Brush her hair. A lot of guys don’t think of this. But, I’ve found that most women really love to have someone brush their hair for them.
  6. Finally, at bedtime, don’t just lay down and go to sleep. Whatever your sleeping arrangements are (some Dommes actually have their sub sleep on the floor) offer to first help her fall asleep. Most folks have favorite places they like to have rubbed gently. Back, neck, legs, butt, etc. Stay up and rub her favorite areas – or her whole body if she likes that – until she falls asleep.

Basically, use these periods of submissive “malaise” as opportunities for romantic interludes to show your appreciation for your Domme. I think a lot of guys relate being “submissive” with performing in a sexual or masochistic manner. In fact, “submission” takes many forms. Just think of things that will make your Domme happy and go for it!

 

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Does Your “Dream Domme” Exist? – Reasonable Expectations

One thing that stands out in many online comments and messages offered by men claiming to be submissive is a lack of understanding of one major reality – Dommes are human beings.

A frightening number of “subs” hold a mystical, even surreal view of what Dominant women are really like. Additionally, they seem to hold very unrealistic ideals of what submitting to such a woman would entail.

It would seem that most of these men enter the online arena with a preconceived mental image of Dommes as being perfectly shaped, perfectly groomed, leather-clad vixens who are constantly on the prowl for the next horny sub to come into their lair to be stripped and “punished.” (Of course the “punishments” always consist of the sub’s favorite fantasy activities.) In these men’s minds, Dommes are always ready for the next scene, always expecting “proper” protocol and demeanor from subs, and always have a whip in hand, just in case.

In my book, FemDom Dating – The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women, I call this mental image the “Fantasy Dominatrix.”

The reality is that Dominant women, when you meet them, don’t outwardly appear any different than every other woman you’ve ever met. This is so important for you to remember if you are a single submissive male trying to meet Dominant women online. These women, Dominant as they may be, have no desire to play the “Mistress/slave” game until they have gotten to know a sub – very, very well.

Dominant women come in all shapes and sizes, and all types of personalities. They have good days and bad days. They have jobs, car payments, children, family issues, health issues, rent, and morning breath – just like everyone else  in the world.

If you keep this in mind, you’ll realize just how silly it is to “approach” these women online with stereotypical “submissive” grovelling, overly wordy proclamations of your submissiveness and desires, and dramatic terms of endearment like “Goddess” or “Mistress.”

Reality of D/s Relationships

In the same context, men also jump online with a skewed view of what it’s actually like to be in a Female led relationship.

I won’t lie to you. In my relationship as Mistress Oasis’ submissive, I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I never experienced in any vanilla relationship. Even in my relationships as a Top and a switch, I never came close to the overall jubilance I experience as a collared sub.

But, it’s not all nudity, bondage, whippings, and CBT. In fact, there’s not nearly as much of that as outsiders may think. We have a business and we work – hard. We have a home to keep up with. I have family, she has family. Life issues come up. Money issues come up. Health issues come up. Most of the time, we operate more as partners than we do as Mistress and slave.

I’m strong willed and outspoken. So is she. Often, we have to work things out as equals. I know there are some relationships in which “Her” word is always the last on any given subject. But, our relationship is a little more balanced. It doesn’t make me a “bad” sub or her a bad Domme. It’s just what works for us.

What kind of D/s relationship will work for you is something that will take time, effort, and communication with the Domme who lets you in someday. And, it won’t be 24/7 of her “commanding” you, and you obeying. It just doesn’t work like that.

Understanding these realities, and keeping them in mind as you craft your messages and ask questions on group forums, will help you stand above the ocean of creeps, wankers, perverts, and losers calling themselves “submissives,” and will demonstrate to Dommes that you truly have submission in your heart.

Yes, your perfect Domme is out there. But, you’ll probably be surprised at how little she resembles your “fantasy Dominatrix.”

 

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)

 

Click here to get FemDom Dating at AMAZON
Click here to get Energy and BDSM at AMAZON