Sometimes I feel like a sub… Sometimes I don’t

I found a question in a group discussion from a guy asking how to get himself “into a submissive mood” after he’s come home from a hard day, and just can’t seem to switch from vanilla to “sub” on command.

A theme I touch on in both my books: FemDom Dating and Energy and BDSM is as follows: Before we are a sub, a Dom, a masochist, a sadist, a slave or owner – we are all human beings first.

As a human, we each have a soul and a psyche. These things aren’t static. They change. They evolve. They shift back and forth like tides in the ocean. And sometimes – like an ocean tide – we cannot stop or change what our minds and bodies are doing.

I’m submissive to Mistress Oasis – and only her. Toward everyone else, I’m a confident, strong, outspoken, opinionated man with strong values and some unwavering beliefs. So, my mindset shifts several times daily, from how I interact with the outside world to how I interact with my Mistress. Additionally, my interactions with her in public are different than my interactions with her behind closed doors.

However, I go through cycles where I cannot throw that switch and go from “jeans and T-shirt guy” to the naked slave on the floor licking Mistress’ boots. Sometimes, my pain threshold goes way off kilter and I cannot take anywhere near the pain I took last week. Sometimes, all of the naked domestic service and play in the world just won’t take my mind to that magical place I usually like to float around in for hours and hours. What’s a poor subbie to do?!?!

Well, if you are a sub and experiencing such difficulty, the first thing to do is to relax. Understand that this type of shift is normal. It can be frustrating, yes. Disappointing, yes. But, it’s a totally normal human condition.

In my opinion, there are lots of things you can do for your Dominant, even if you can’t get yourself into that “submissive” mindset. But first, communication is paramount. Your Dominant and you must have an understanding that:

1) There will be times when you will simply not be in “sub”” mode, and

2) What the two of you will do when this is the case.

(Note: Dommes can go through the same thing. They can have periods where they just want to co-exist with you without necessarily consider themselves “over” you. So, it’s a good thing to have an understanding about this as well.)

Once you and your Dominant have come to terms with the fact that you are in a slump, there are things you can do to maintain some of your submissive presence, without pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone.

  1. If your situation allows you to be unclothed, and being unclothed won’t throw you off emotionally, then by all means – get those clothes off. Even if the rest of your evening will be spent watching TV, doing so with you naked and your Domme dressed will still be an expression of your devotion as her sub. Add a collar if you like to really make the statement.
  2. Make dinner, or order it and serve it up to your Domme with a nice table setting.
  3. Draw a bath for her. Almost every woman I’ve known enjoys sitting in a tub and relaxing while having their back scrubbed gently and their hair washed. Some candles and a glass of wine can add a very loving touch.
  4. Foot rubs. Who doesn’t LOVE a good foot rub?? Again, add to the experience by doing it naked. Even better, sit on the floor and prop her feet up while she sits in a chair. Being on my knees and rubbing my Domme’s feet actually helps deliver me into my submissive headspace. If your Domme doesn’t like her feet messed with (I’ve known some just like that), then rub her back and shoulders.
  5. Brush her hair. A lot of guys don’t think of this. But, I’ve found that most women really love to have someone brush their hair for them.
  6. Finally, at bedtime, don’t just lay down and go to sleep. Whatever your sleeping arrangements are (some Dommes actually have their sub sleep on the floor) offer to first help her fall asleep. Most folks have favorite places they like to have rubbed gently. Back, neck, legs, butt, etc. Stay up and rub her favorite areas – or her whole body if she likes that – until she falls asleep.

Basically, use these periods of submissive “malaise” as opportunities for romantic interludes to show your appreciation for your Domme. I think a lot of guys relate being “submissive” with performing in a sexual or masochistic manner. In fact, “submission” takes many forms. Just think of things that will make your Domme happy and go for it!

 

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