Do you feel like you are “stuck” in the role you started out in when you first entered the BDSM world? Are you craving experiences from the other side of the whip (or leash) but are worried about what your community friends, or maybe your lover, may think about you (GASP!!)…….SWITCHING??
From my experiences, there are many who come in and take up the role they believe they are meant to play. Usually, this rides along the rail of gender. Men generally take on the “Dominant” or “Top” role – women generally take on the “submissive” or “bottom” role. In contradiction to their actual cravings and desires, they take on the roles they think that they “should” occupy.
If you are one of those people, it is never too late to change your direction, and follow the path you truly feel called to. In fact, your experiences in your current role could very well have equipped you to be exceptional in your desired role. Here are some of the things that I experienced as a Dominant that really helped me later as a sub:
Being a sub is not waiting around for someone to push your ON button.
Back when I was a Dom, many of the subs I played with, and got into relationships with, had a penchant for wanting to be rather passive in their service and submission. They wanted me to tell them what to do, when to get something for me, when to strip and kneel, and what kind of play we were going to engage in. I hate micro-managing. I even dated a “slave” who had spent years being trained in protocols.
The first night she made dinner for me, she put everything on the table, then stood next to her chair with her hands behind her, waiting for me to tell her she could sit. Once seated, she then waited for me to tell her to begin eating! I’m sorry but that’s more ego stroking than I need to feel in charge of things. I should have called everything off after that night. But, I went forward into a relationship with her that eventually soured as she became unsatisfied because I didn’t give her the things she needed, (meaning, I didn’t boss her around enough).
I have to admit, I’m a “DIY” type personality. If I can do something for myself, I prefer to do it for myself rather than telling someone else to do it for me. I mean, why bother someone else when I can quickly and easily complete the task on my own, right? On the other side of the coin, I was unsatisfied because I couldn’t understand why, if she wanted to submit to me, she required a command from me to do it. Why not just do things she knew I liked to have done? In fact, even subtle things like if she had chosen to sit on the floor at my feet instead of next to me on the couch while watching TV would have won her a lot more appreciative attention (petting, stroking, even perhaps some impromptu play) rather than waiting on me to command such things.
Well, whether you feel I was right or wrong in my thinking back then, once I became a sub and began performing domestic service, I began to understand where that “slave” I dated was coming from. Indeed, it is very re-assuring to be given precise commands as to what is expected. I discovered that there is happiness in being summoned, and then commanded to perform a task. Being summoned reinforces that you and your services are desired and appreciated. The commands – any commands – can be translated to simply “Do what I’m telling you, and it will please me.” How much more motivation does anyone need??
However, at the same time, I remember my frustration from constantly feeling “expected” to dream up needs and commands to keep my sub busily “pleasing” me. So, I make it a point to be a bit more assertive with my service than I remember that sub being. I rarely ask to sit at Mistress Oasis’s feet and give her a nice massage. I just do it because I know she likes it. She hasn’t complained yet. I rush to hold doors and pull out chairs. I check on her throughout the day to see if she needs anything. It’s kind of like sales – keep asking and eventually she will say, “Yes, would you get me a ginger ale on ice?”
WIN FOR ME!! I just got a direct command from my Domme!
There are plenty of things a Dom can learn from a sub.
It’s one of the most common misconceptions in the lifestyle. Many subs expect their Doms to accurately “read” them and their reactions naturally, with little or no “road map.” I had a sub at one time who was an extreme masochist – or at least could be an extreme masochist. However, this only occurred when everything happened just so. The atmosphere, timing, and structure of the workup had to be precise for her to get to that point where she could take vicious, welt-raising cane strikes. If I was striking too hard, too soft, too fast or too slow during her workup, she couldn’t get there. The problem was, she wasn’t willing to explain and show me exactly how hard was hard enough and how fast was fast enough and what reactions I should be looking for.
However, another sub I knew enjoyed, on occasion, having me whip and beat her as hard as I could for lengthy periods of time on her back while she’d break down crying hysterically. The first couple of times it happened, I stopped and protested, afraid I’d caused her real psychological damage. But, she told me directly to continue because she “needed” it. We later talked extensively about it and she explained that, while the pain was not “good,” being driven to that point of hysterical break down was a special kind of release for her. We also discussed what I needed to look out for while we were in that mode, because it could become quite intense. So, guided by her explanation and instructions, we were able to successfully go to that place whenever she asked me for it.
I gained a whole new understanding of the relationship between intense pain and emotional “breaking” when I later served a Domme who was quite the sadist. The first time she used a cane to drive me past the point of tears, I figured it out. It’s a whirlwind of being afraid of the next stroke coming, feeling victimized (in a good way), holding strong to a determination to successfully absorb all of the pain the sadist wants to inflict, and going deeper and deeper into a swirly, peaceful place in your mind while the tears roll down your face.
It’s all kind of wrapped up together in one incredibly wild, emotional ride that leaves you super-spent at the end. I also require a certain amount of workup to get to those super-masochistic moments. However, Mistress Oasis and I have spent lots of time discussing it, with me explaining what my various reactions to pain mean. We’ve even spent several hours with me “topping from the bottom,” guiding her in what specifically works to get me to that magical headspace. These sessions have proven to be extremely beneficial to both of us – and wound up becoming some super hot scenes. In the end, she ultimately gets to choose which of my buttons to push and where to take me in any given scene. But, thanks to her willingness to let me guide her occasionally, she now knows exactly what those buttons are, and how to manipulate them.
Whatever role you may be in now, you have specific experiences. Once you experience those things from the other side of the leash, new aspects will come to light. This new understanding can help you greatly enhance your performance in your new role – and have a LOT more fun!