Too Many “LIKES” Can Get You Passed Up

How many of you have been “unfriended” by someone on social media because of something you said, posted, or showed support for? I don’t mean something you said to directly insult someone. I mean something that you simply posted or stated that made someone decide that you weren’t worth having on their friend list anymore. A similar thing can happen to you when it comes to being a single submissive man hoping to meet Dominant women.

In Chapter 10 of “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” I write about what kinds of signals you unwittingly send out by the photos you “like” on social and dating media. I have a FetLife profile, Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr accounts. And, without exception, on each of those feeds, there are one or two guys who are constantly posting or “liking” picture after picture after picture all day long.

Most of the pictures tend to be of nude women posing or women engaged in sexual acts. (To the Pro-Dommes, I know you have a business to run and hot pics bring in the clients. So this isn’t about you.)

If you are “that guy” with the itchy clicking finger, hitting the “LIKE” button every time you see a gaping beaver on your screen – have you ever thought what message that is sending out to women who may actually be looking at you as someone they may want to say “hi” to?

Now, before anyone goes totally snowflake on me and demands to know who the fuck I think I am to “judge” other people – please relax. I judge very few people. I enjoy images of the female form as much as any guy. But, all the fuck pics in the world don’t equate to the mind-blowing headspace that my own Mistress Oasis puts me in. If your idea of a good time is spanking your monkey to dirty pictures, then by all means don’t let me poop on your party.

But, if you have a goal of actually meeting a real, live Domme for yourself someday – well that’s why I wrote “FemDom Dating.” And if you are actually interested in just how deep your BDSM relationship can go, that’s why I wrote “Energy and BDSM.” All the nudie pics you “LIKE” in a day will not get you to either place. So, this post is not to pass judgement on you, but to help you reach that goal of someday having a real Domme accept you as hers. The choice is yours – another empty orgasm all by yourself with your computer, or a path that can lead you to a real D/s relationship.

Part of the basic logic that “FemDom Dating” is based upon is this: men and women think differently. This sounds obvious. But, when you look at a lot of single submissive men’s behavior, it’s clear that they don’t agree with this on a subconscious level. How many women have you personally met who are genuinely attracted to a man who spends hour after hour looking at porn? On the same level, how many women have you personally met who are genuinely okay with the idea of the man they are in a relationship with spending all his free time looking at porn? I’m not talking about a woman who’s capable of sitting and enjoying sexy images with her mate. Hell, Mistress Oasis and I do that! But, normally, the more time a man spends staring at naked photos of other women (or men, for that matter), the less his girlfriend/wife/Mistress tends to like it.

To be sure, as guys, most of us wouldn’t care if our girlfriend or wife spent a bunch of her spare time looking at hot pics on her computer, getting all horny and whatnot. In fact, some of us would find that quite appealing. But, women don’t think that way. Not most women, anyway. They don’t want their man focusing his attention on other women and their bodies.

Now, let’s take that knowledge and apply it to a Domme who is looking at your profile. So, each day you’re clicking the “LIKE” or “LOVE” button on, let’s say, 15 to 20 photos of people having sex. If you are on a site that records your activity on a timeline, these things show up. And, again, thinking differently than a man, a Dominant woman wouldn’t just look at your pictures to see how hot you are. As I point out in “FemDom Dating,” studies have shown that women spend more time READING a profile than looking at pictures. So, this Domme, while reading about you and your activity, sees that you spend your time pulling up picture after picture and “loving” them. What opinion do you think she is forming as she sees that?

I’m not saying you should not look at hot pics. But, honestly, how many times have you “loved” a picture, resulting in the woman in the photo contacting you, and establishing a relationship pf any type? If you are like most guys, I’m going to venture a guess that it hasn’t happened to you. On the flip side of the coin, if that Domme reading over your profile gets the impression that you would prefer to look at porn and jerk off rather than focus your attention on submission to a Domme, what do you think your chances are that she will reach out to you, or respond positively to any contact you may initiate?

I’m not making up hypothetical theories, here. I’ve literally sat with Dominant women while they showed me profiles of men with hundreds of “loves” on pictures of tits and pussy. And, without exception, they insinuate that the owner of that profile must sit around stroking his pud in front of his computer all day. These are real women giving their real opinions. Think about that.

Social media and dating sites are great for sharing and connecting with other kinky people. But, no matter what you’re doing on your profile, always be thinking of what kind of reputation you are building with your activities.

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Before You Choose the Dungeon as Your Therapy Couch…

Your life is a mess, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’ve just never been able to relate well with people. Perhaps someone you loved fucked you over. Perhaps someone way back in your past hurt you, and you cannot go a day without something reminding you of what happened – and the fact that you didn’t deserve it. Maybe your spouse can’t (or won’t) accept or try to understand your deep, unyielding need for an exchange of power and control in your relationship.

You’ve been clicking all over the Internet – looking at the kinky pictures, reading the kinky stories, hearing the accounts of how magical BDSM is. People write endless renditions of how their lives suddenly became enriched after finally stepping into the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant/submissive or Sadist/masochist relationships open people’s hearts and emotions to depths they’ve never experienced before.

So, you start to believe that finding a kinky partner will fix everything. It will make you whole again. It will cure your depression. It will remove (or justify) the hurt you feel inside. It’s the answer you’ve been looking for, right?

It’s time for someone to shake you, and give you a dose of reality.

This lifestyle does not cure depression. This lifestyle does not turn an irresponsible person into a responsible person. It does not cure PTSD. It does not cure alcoholism, drug addiction, or stupidity. It won’t wipe away a history of child abuse or sexual abuse. It’s merely an alternative to a vanilla existence.

It is human nature to seek things that make us happy and normalize our lives. I know that BDSM and “normal” are not terms usually used in the same context. But, the very things that get branded as “kinky” are very normal for someone with a deeply embedded need for masochism, sadism, dominance or submission. For me, submitting to Mistress Oasis is normal, not “kinky.” For Mistress Oasis, hurting me to say “I love you” is normal.

In my book, FemDom Dating, I devote a chapter to self-reflection prior to just jumping into the scene and BDSM relationships. One piece of advice I give is to take care of your emotional baggage before seeking and dating potential partners.

In the BDSM world, we manipulate brain chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. Each of these can have a profound effect on a person’s emotions. However, depending on the types of activities you engage in, your brain may experience a spike in all four of these. If you already struggle with feelings of depression, inadequacy, abandonment, loss, victim-hood, or a myriad of other complex emotions, there is no telling what a cocktail of mind altering chemicals may result in.

I know personally the roller coaster of emotions that is possible during masochistic play. I’ve felt myself go through euphoria, anger, frustration, passion, fear, resignation, panic, and vulnerability. Often, I go through several of these emotions during the course of a scene. But, that’s what I’m after – a dance along a cliff where I tempt and flirt with all of these feelings, while knowing in the back of my mind that no real physical harm is going to come to me. But occasionally, the emotional ride has been too intense for me and I had to stop scenes because of panic or loss of coherent thought. And, I have my mind right. If you have a whirlwind of stressful emotions spinning in your head in your vanilla life, unleashing vast amounts of these chemicals into your brain could intensify your negative feelings.

The potential for trouble doesn’t disappear when the scene is over. At some point those chemicals wear off. Your brain can actually go through a withdrawal stage as it adjusts to the lower levels of these substances. “Sub Drop” is a term used to describe a submissive experiencing negative physical and emotional effects when these chemical levels start dropping in the brain. I myself have experienced depression, lethargy, headaches, even hangover-type feelings a day or two after a really good scene. However, I know what it is when I experience it and Mistress Oasis stays close to me, reassuring me as I deal with the negative feelings, and wait for them to pass. It can sometimes be a full day or two.

Play is not the only place where our minds walk a tightrope. The relationship dynamics within the BDSM world are complex. BDSM relationships tend to be far more intense than what you find in the vanilla world. We communicate on a deeper level, exposing vulnerable and sensitive things about ourselves. That’s how we are able to interact the way we do, whether it’s service oriented, sexual, or sado-masochistic. We have to open our hearts and our innermost hidden places to each other to achieve the experiences we crave. If you’re struggling with a bunch of emotional crap that you cannot deal with, having someone toying around with your psychological “goo” like it was Jell-o is asking for trouble sooner or later.

This aspect of the BDSM lifestyle doesn’t just apply to submissives. Dominants need to have their heads screwed on right as well. Some of them don’t. Above all other things, a submissive wants to trust their dominant. A sub needs to know that their dom is looking out for their well-being. We subs who are also flying masochists depend on our dominant to be cognizant of our responses, our safety, and our emotional status during our play. We need to trust that they will do this so we can “let go,” and drift away into an alternative consciousness.

The deeper a relationship goes, the more a sub gives of him or herself. Being able to depend on a dom being stable and predictable within the relationship allows the submissive to lower more walls, and become more open to the dom.  This becomes harder if the dom exhibits unpredictable or irrational reactions to life’s little “situations.”

People with very low self-esteem tend to drag those around them down as well. Insecure people often display possessiveness and suspicion toward a partner. Trying to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is usually a crutch, and tends to create an atmosphere of comparing the new partner to the old. And, even if the new partner passes the scrutiny with flying colors, no one enjoys hearing the constant re-telling of tales about things the old partner did to hurt you.

As wild as our lifestyle may seem from the outside, it actually requires a level head to make it work and grow long term. It can be the answer to all your prayers if you’ve had to suppress it most of your life. However, it doesn’t cure crazy. Get your emotional house in order before jumping into this game. It makes this lifestyle easier for everyone involved.

 

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Are You Entitled to the Luxury of a Domme?

I want to give proper credit to @SinCityGrrl for a tweet that served to stir my brain ,and give me the idea for this article.

In her tweet, @SinCityGrrl says “Sex workers provide a luxury service. You are not entitled to us. If you can’t afford it – too bad.”

Upon reading the full tweet, and some of its 45 comments, I started thinking, “Wow, this sounds a lot like what Dommes (professional as well as lifestyle) say about ‘subs’ online.” One of the comments even mentioned guys who call and request an escort, and when she arrives, they say, “Oh, I cannot afford X … but since you’re already here, can you do me for Y?'” (Lower price.)

When I read that, I thought, “Damn, are these professional women or used cars?” I’ve known several Pro-Dommes personally, but have never actually procured the services of a “sex worker.” I’ve always assumed that it was just understood – the professional names a price, and the client pays it. I never imagined that there was “haggling” going on.

Reading on through all the comments – many from other sex workers – it hit me. The words “luxury” and “entitled” kept getting repeated.

In my book, “FemDom Dating,” I keep circling back to a common theme. What I teach submissive men is to set aside the “Fantasy Dominatrix” image and the sexual ideas when approaching Dominant women, and approach them as human beings – seeing them for the people that they are in daily life first. Most men tend to see a Domme’s profile, focus on the racy pics and the fetish list, and approach her as the high heeled, leather clad, whip wielding cartoon character in their sexual fantasies.

This tweet served to shine a light on something else that is present in their approach – “entitlement.”

Many guys approach Dommes (and yes – they approach female subs, too) as if they are entitled to the attributes and talents that these women possess. I think most women on FetLife and the various kinky dating sites can agree with me. Most messages – even the ones that just say “HI” come off as – “Hi, I see you’re a Domme (or a sub, or slave, or whatever). When do we get started?

In fact, these messages and approaches almost reek of – “Okay, you say you’re a Domme. You wrote that you enjoy x, y, and z. You posted pictures of your tits. You got me turned on. Now you owe it to me to interact with me on that level.

Kinky companions (Dommes especially) are indeed a luxury, guys.

You know, if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly at least twice a day, clean water to drink, and clothes on your back – you’re doing a shitload better than a very large segment of the world’s population. (I know personally… I spent considerable time in a war-torn African country. If you have a computer to read this stuff – you’re doing quite well in life.) Everything else is really a luxury when you think about it. Things we take for granted – indoor running water, a job, a car, spare money, the internet – are all extras that nature did not choose to automatically supply us with.

And, at the very top of the great luxury pyramid sit our unique sexual desires. BDSM is one of the most unique. BDSM activities do not come naturally. They take trust, knowledge, and skill. And yet, so many men set up online profiles and start messaging women as if those women owe it to them to participate in whatever they suggest. Isn’t that crazy?

Have you ever wondered why men refer to having sex as “getting lucky?” Because it’s not easy to get there!! Why should winning a Domme over be any different? No Domme has ever created a profile and posted photos and writings with you specifically in mind. And, isn’t finding someone who’s kinky desires match your own a luxury indeed?

If you don’t see it as a luxury, try the vanilla dating world for awhile. After a night in the sack with a vanilla girl  (lol…or even better, BEFORE you’ve had sex the first time), tell her that now you’d like to be tied up, beaten, etc – whatever your particular submissive fantasies are. If talking to a Domme – at the WORST, she would perhaps negotiate with you as to what things she’s willing to do and what she isn’t. But, it would be a calm, non-judgmental discussion. Most vanilla women would look at you with polite disgust and quickly take their leave – probably blocking your number from their phone shortly after getting in their car.

So, are Dommes and Mistresses luxuries? You’re damned right they are!
Are you entitled to what they have to offer? You are a fool to think so. Even once you establish a relationship – you are never really entitled.

I am owned and collared by Mistress Oasis. She is in love with me. And even those realities do not entitle me to the things she does on a D/s or S/M level. I earn those things on a daily basis with my words, actions, and mindset. And, if you think that “earning” equates to me being naked, collared, and doing house chores all day – you’re still in fantasy land. It’s earned by attitude, emotional investment, communication, and devotion to her as a person, even when I’m fully clothed and wandering about in the vanilla world with her. So, you see, even as a collared sub who lives this thing 24/7 – her dominance, her sadism, her command of me are all luxuries – extras that make my life a dream come true.

So, think about that before you start typing that next “Hi” message. Rather than excitedly fantasizing about what she can to to satisfy your submissive cravings, ask yourself how you will earn the luxury of having a friendship with this person. You might be amazed at how your luck changes.

Find more direct, honest, and effective advice like this when you purchase my book “FemDom Dating” – available on Amazon and other online book retailers. $4.99 Ebook / $9.99 Paperback

Get “FemDom Dating” HERE

 

Also from slave dragos – “Energy and BDSM” – After the orgasm, have you ever felt like BDSM could be so much more – but you just don’t know how to get there? Most people get into kinky play to “spice up” their sex lives. This book explains how to take the BDSM experience WAY beyond sexual. An orgasm lasts for seconds. I explain how to achieve a D/s or S/M “high” that can last for days! Create a stronger bond with your BDSM partner. Find depths within yourself that you didn’t know existed. Discover just how deep the rabbit-hole goes!!

Get “Energy and BDSM” HERE

 

Whining on FetLife Gets You NOWHERE!!

AAAArrrgghhh!!!!!! – I can’t take it anymore!!!

…..Okay, I’ve got that out of my system and now I can write this in a calm manner.

I was browsing one of the FetLife groups I belong to today. I happened upon yet another post from yet another man who who was complaining about the “clicky-ness” (for lack of a better term) on FetLife, and the fact that one of his posts on another group had been removed for being off topic or inappropriate for that group. He went on to complain that, when he asks questions in groups, he’s scolded by some members for whatever. (See my blog post on trolls HERE.)

As is my usual practice, I clicked over to his profile to learn more about this person before I posted a comment about his “topic.” As I guessed, he was a sub whose entire profile description was about wanting to find Dommes to play with. The description was basically two short paragraphs with no real detail about himself, except what he wanted to “find” on FetLife (play partners). He had one picture of himself (I suppose) dressed, and from the neck down. So, I give him points for not having a dick pic as his profile photo. But, there’s a pattern I’ve noticed. These posts usually come for guys who thought that posting a profile on Fetlife, and messaging some women, was going to set them up with a lifetime of kinky play and sex. But, that’s another topic for another blog post.

Hey guys – here’s some tough love:

Nobody cares that you aren’t having fun on FetLife!!

Now, I can agree with you on many points.

YES, it is incredibly difficult and frustrating if you are wanting to live out your male submissive dreams, and you are trying to do so without ever leaving the safety of your bedroom. I’m always going to circle back to my point that the magic normally doesn’t happen until you show up in person to events where you can meet people for real.

YES, I think too many people on FetLife are not nice. I believe we should all be more understanding of others, and realize that we were all new at one time and we all struggled to learn everything that we now know. I wish things were the way I experienced them back in the 90s, when most people online were civil and eager to explain what they knew without judgement. But, that train left the station a long time ago.

YES, I know that it’s not easy being a single sub male in an ocean of single sub males, all trying to get noticed and hopefully catch the eye of one of the very few Dominant women out there. Hell, that’s exactly why I spent a year writing “FemDom Dating.” I realized that it wasn’t possible that all of the guys I saw sending really bad messages and posting really silly shit were simply assholes. It can be frustrating and it’s nice to have someone who’s been through it help guide your way.

HOWEVER – whining about it in a group (even if posed as a reasonable “question”) is not appreciated by anyone. It is seen as childish and wimpy. Plus, everyone is busy trying to get what they are after on FetLife, be it a date, online validation and confirmation that people “like” them, a sense of community, a good wank session – whatever. They are not interested in consoling you or me over our exasperation that things are going the way we thought they would on FetLife.

Here are some pointers that I think can help when you are getting frustrated at a lack of progress in your online efforts on FetLife.

  1. If you are online trying to meet your “forever” Domme, and are bombing out – YOU NEED MY BOOK!!
  2. Opinions are like assholes – everybody has one … and some make more noise than others. – Get used to it. If you post something in cyberspace where hundreds of people are going to see it, there will be hundreds of differing opinions as to how intelligent, relevant, or interesting your post is. If the moderators of the group you are in feel your post doesn’t belong there, they have the right to remove it. People who don’t agree with you are going to say so. Some will be very nasty about it.
  3. Your education is your responsibility – If you’re a newbie, the BDSM world can be very confusing. This is especially true as you learn more and more about the difference between what you thought BDSM was like and what its realities are. There is much to learn. And, there are thousands of resources available online that explain damn near everything you could want to know about your specific kink. Something I’ve observed over the last 30 years is that, with all of the information at our fingertips, most people still prefer to learn things person to person. And, I will agree that there are people who will react rudely when you post a question that they feel is basic knowledge. But, it is up to you to try to learn all you can yourself. When I first got into the BDSM community, I bought STACKS of books on BDSM 101, psychology behind D/s, how to top, how to tie knots, how to play safely, how to throw a whip, etc. Take time, and study up.
  4. You’ll get more out of real life – Oh, I know. Here I am – one more asshole telling you to “go to a munch.” Here’s the reality: I don’t care how many discussions you have online, how many articles you read, or how many pictures and videos you look at – you won’t learn as much as you will meeting, talking to, and watching people who actually do what you are wanting to do. And, as I explain in both my books, your chances of actually meeting someone, and getting an opportunity to play increase astronomically once you show up in real life to events. I don’t care how many people brag about having a fulfilling “online” D/s relationship. They wouldn’t be saying that if they’d experienced the real thing.
  5. A lot of FetLifers have never been to a munch either – When Mistress_So_and_So (who posts 50 comments every day and who’s profile claims she’s been a “Lifestyle Domme” for 20+ years – and has no photo of herself) trashes you over a post, relax. I have no hard numbers or research. But, I know how my friends who actually show up for events “speak” on FetLife. And, a lot of people on FL do not speak the same way. Think about it, some of these people are on there posting, “liking,” commenting and criticizing all day long. If they are really living 24/7 D/s lives, why do they need to be on FL all the time? Now, I post things as often as I can. It gets me seen, and sells books. But I run a business, I serve a real-life Domme, and we really play. I far prefer real service and real play to reading about it, and looking at pictures. Think about that when one of these chronic FL trolls hammers you online. Chances are that they aren’t getting any more action than you are. But, by criticizing everyone, they think they sound more “informed.” You have no idea. Move on, and don’t let it bother you.
  6. None of it matters! – I’m going to tell you a secret. The 200 messages you sent out that received no reply, the 5 or 6 questions you asked in the “For Newbies” group that got you slammed by a gang of cackling hens pecking away at their keyboards – even the time you jumped in a group and got scolded because you asked if there were any Dommes in your area who wanted to play; none of it will matter when (and if) you meet a Domme who finds you worthy of date. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t give people a reason not to like you. Posting general complaints on FetLife about FetLife will not win anyone over – and it certainly isn’t going to get you a date with a Domme. Learn to blow off the bad stuff, and keep moving forward.

 

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Does Your “Dream Domme” Exist? – Reasonable Expectations

One thing that stands out in many online comments and messages offered by men claiming to be submissive is a lack of understanding of one major reality – Dommes are human beings.

A frightening number of “subs” hold a mystical, even surreal view of what Dominant women are really like. Additionally, they seem to hold very unrealistic ideals of what submitting to such a woman would entail.

It would seem that most of these men enter the online arena with a preconceived mental image of Dommes as being perfectly shaped, perfectly groomed, leather-clad vixens who are constantly on the prowl for the next horny sub to come into their lair to be stripped and “punished.” (Of course the “punishments” always consist of the sub’s favorite fantasy activities.) In these men’s minds, Dommes are always ready for the next scene, always expecting “proper” protocol and demeanor from subs, and always have a whip in hand, just in case.

In my book, FemDom Dating – The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women, I call this mental image the “Fantasy Dominatrix.”

The reality is that Dominant women, when you meet them, don’t outwardly appear any different than every other woman you’ve ever met. This is so important for you to remember if you are a single submissive male trying to meet Dominant women online. These women, Dominant as they may be, have no desire to play the “Mistress/slave” game until they have gotten to know a sub – very, very well.

Dominant women come in all shapes and sizes, and all types of personalities. They have good days and bad days. They have jobs, car payments, children, family issues, health issues, rent, and morning breath – just like everyone else  in the world.

If you keep this in mind, you’ll realize just how silly it is to “approach” these women online with stereotypical “submissive” grovelling, overly wordy proclamations of your submissiveness and desires, and dramatic terms of endearment like “Goddess” or “Mistress.”

Reality of D/s Relationships

In the same context, men also jump online with a skewed view of what it’s actually like to be in a Female led relationship.

I won’t lie to you. In my relationship as Mistress Oasis’ submissive, I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I never experienced in any vanilla relationship. Even in my relationships as a Top and a switch, I never came close to the overall jubilance I experience as a collared sub.

But, it’s not all nudity, bondage, whippings, and CBT. In fact, there’s not nearly as much of that as outsiders may think. We have a business and we work – hard. We have a home to keep up with. I have family, she has family. Life issues come up. Money issues come up. Health issues come up. Most of the time, we operate more as partners than we do as Mistress and slave.

I’m strong willed and outspoken. So is she. Often, we have to work things out as equals. I know there are some relationships in which “Her” word is always the last on any given subject. But, our relationship is a little more balanced. It doesn’t make me a “bad” sub or her a bad Domme. It’s just what works for us.

What kind of D/s relationship will work for you is something that will take time, effort, and communication with the Domme who lets you in someday. And, it won’t be 24/7 of her “commanding” you, and you obeying. It just doesn’t work like that.

Understanding these realities, and keeping them in mind as you craft your messages and ask questions on group forums, will help you stand above the ocean of creeps, wankers, perverts, and losers calling themselves “submissives,” and will demonstrate to Dommes that you truly have submission in your heart.

Yes, your perfect Domme is out there. But, you’ll probably be surprised at how little she resembles your “fantasy Dominatrix.”

 

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Dommes not responding to you?? Nix the Pics of your DICK!!!

Imagine you were applying for a really great job. Let’s pretend it was something that was going to start you off with about six figures per year. Great pay, huh?

Now, let’s pretend that I was someone in the Human Resources department of that company and, while scheduling your interview, I said to you – “There is one thing that will absolutely guarantee that you won’t get hired here. The management hates purple ties. Whatever you do, DON’T wear a purple tie.

Now, let’s assume you show up on interview day with your purple tie on. And, you are SHOCKED when you are told at the end of your interview, “Thank you, but you’re not what we’re looking for.”

You must be thinking, “Well, I’m not that stupid. If you told me not to wear a purple tie, I wouldn’t wear one.”

If that is your answer, then you have just a slight idea of how totally oblivious A LOT of guys calling themselves submissive males are when it comes to online profiles.

I’m going to get right to the point here. Dommes do NOT care about your pecker!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t say that Dommes don’t like penises. Certainly they do. They like the penises that are attached to the male subs that they 1) get to know, 2) build trust and understanding with, and 3) agree to play with.

It is the penis that is splashed all over the profile of a submissive that sends them a “hello” message (whom they’ve never met) that Dommes don’t like. It’s without a doubt the NUMBER 1 complaint I hear and read over and over from Dominant women when it comes to their online experiences.

It doesn’t make sense, does it? They are women. You are certain that you have a really nice looking cock dangling between your legs. YOU like to see female breasts and closeup photos of vaginas. So, what gives? How could they possibly not be impressed by the 17 pictures you have of your flop-snake in various stages of rigidity and self bondage?

What I’m telling you here is not coming from me. It’s coming from thousands of women who are posting comments all over online forums, and a couple of hundred that I’ve personally befriended and spoken to in my 30 years in the lifestyle.

Here’s the deal, guys. Women THINK differently than we do. We men are visually and sexually driven. The sight of sexual organs draws our attention and interest. We straight guys love to see tits and pussy. Gay guys love to see dick. And bi guys – well, I guess they like looking at everybody’s junk.

But, women look past the physical. That’s not to say that they don’t look and assess physical attractiveness in a male specimen. But, they quickly move on to sizing up a guy’s intelligence, mannerisms, personality, confidence, and other things to determine compatibility. Dommes especially have a keen sense of knowing that they can pretty much have any cock they want. So, they look beyond that to assess the quality of the package that the cock is attached to (meaning the whole man).

None of this is to say that Dommes do not have a sexual drive or that they don’t enjoy a nice penis. Quite the contrary, they can be very sexual and even focus a lot of attention on their sub’s cock. But, that’s after they have established a friendly relationship with a sub.

Posting picture after picture of your schlong on your profile simply screams “I’m obsessed with SEX!!” What a Domme is looking for is a man who is obsessed with pleasing her. And by “pleasing her,” I don’t just mean sexually. And, I don’t just mean being good at foot worship or taking a good beating. What I mean is – can you satisfy her with your personality, your wit, your charm, and your obedience in non-sexual aspects and tasks?

But, prior to all of that, when she gets that message in her in-box that starts with “Hello Mistress So and So,” she’s simply trying to establish whether or not you are a “wanker.” In other words, are you simply looking for someone to please you? Someone to satisfy your fantasies? Someone to get you off? Guess what she’s going to think when she clicks on your profile (and she will) only to find a plethora of pictures of your sex organ?

I’m not saying that I’m completely against nude photos or dick pics. Hell, I have a few on my profiles. But, then again, I’m collared and monogamous. I’m not trying to find a relationship. If you are single and seeking, a good rule of thumb when it comes to phallic photos is: Less is better

 

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Don’t Bomb While Finding a Domme

Are you a submissive guy (or any other, for that matter) trying to find your perfect kinky partner? Are you bombing out consistently on FetLife?

Here’s a suggestion: Stop treating FetLife like a dating site.

One of the tips I repeat several times in my new book, “FemDom Dating,” is to remember that FetLife is a social site (like Facebook). It’s NOT a dating site (like AdultFriendFinder).

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a scolding (like you are apt to receive inside any number of FetLife’s discussion forums). I totally get the fact that, as guys, we see profiles of hot women that include photos. Some of those photos are downright “wankable” in their arousal factor. Then, these women go on to add vivid descriptions of their kinky likes and interests. Some even state that they are seeking others to play with and/or build relationships with. Our primitive male hunter instincts say “CHARGE!!!”

Oh yes, there is a hunting caveman deep inside each and every one of us! So, we go after our prey, in the form of private messages. Most often, these take the form of either thinly veiled attempts at appearing casual:
“Hi, I really like your photos. I’m a submissive male who likes (fill in the blank). Would you like to chat?”

Or, some go right for the jugular:
“Wow! You’re really HOT. I love your tits! Can I be your slave?”

If you are engaging in such communications, I’m going to bet that you are bombing out most times. That’s because, despite what their pictures show, and what their words say, most women (especially the Dommes) are not on FetLife seeking their next date. It’s a social site. They are basically just expressing themselves. Simply going in for the kill is not going to work for you 99 times out of 100.

Now, I’m not saying you should never use FetLife to try to establish a relationship with someone who may become your forever Domme. But, you need to change your thinking. If you are sincerely looking for a Domme to serve, and you are not just seeking wank fodder – here are some tips that can help you get where you want to be in the FemDom world.

1) Get off the computer: If you aren’t involved in a nearby real life BDSM community, then it’s time to start. Attend munches, classes, discussion groups – whatever you can. If you don’t have events near you, make one of your own. I teach you how to do this in my book, FemDom Dating. Your chances of meeting a real, and available Domme will increase exponentially if you actually appear in person.

2) Don’t get tunnel vision: If you are going to use FetLife, think of it only as one “tool” in an overall networking strategy – not an online dating venue. Think long term and think broadly. Don’t contact a Domme with the idea that you are going to “get” that Domme. Instead, reach out to her with the idea of making just one more friend. That friend can lead to any number of possibilities – an intro to someone who is more compatable (or available), a contact at an event that you may not have known about, advice that can help you better yourself and your marketability as an available submissive, or maybe…just maybe, a relationship with this Domme herself. But, don’t start out with that as your one goal.

3) Friends – not strangers – become play partners … and more: Here is a fact from my kinky life. I’ve played with 34 women that I can specifically remember, and list, as well as others. Two were wives and six were long term girlfriends. All the rest were “casual” play. Every single one of them began as a FRIEND. Re-assess your goals in the BDSM world. Are your actions constantly dictated by a desire to simply engage in the physical aspects of BDSM? I know that the “hookup” culture today is very trendy. But this is BDSM – not fucking in a back alley. Far more communication, understanding, and TRUST is needed to play our games. Focus your efforts on making real friends with Dommes (and everyone else you can) without expectations of any particular friendship becoming something “more.” You will be amazed how much more receptive a real life friend who knows you as a good man will be to helping you fulfill your needs than some random “hot” woman you message online.

In my new book, I explain these and many other aspects of dating as a submissive male to help you become more marketable, more confident, and more successful in fulfilling your submissive needs in the BDSM world.

 

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Light At The End

Mistress Oasis and I had another of our phenomenal, mind blowing “US” Wednesdays again yesterday. We basically blow off work, clients, responsibilities – and spend a whole day playing, loving, connecting. The depth, the intimacy, the love and connection all came together perfectly. And I’ve woken up still swimming in that amazing headspace that feels like a warm sphere of pure love is encasing me – separating me from the world and all its coldness.

As I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, my mind wandered back to our initial meeting. It was quite accidental in many ways, and almost didn’t happen because I was at a very low point in my BDSM journey. It was only by happenstance that I showed up at the same place she was one evening. But that happenstance changed my life.

Without a doubt, the “darkest” time in my BDSM journey was early on in my first marriage. I was 21 and a soldier serving stateside at the time. We had been dabbling regularly into bondage play and some light flogging and spanking. I almost always topped her, but with persuasion had succeeded in getting her to switch a few times. However, deep inside I knew I needed to experience more of the “receiving” side of things. I knew I wanted to feel more intense pain, feel a greater loss of control and a greater sense of being under her power and whim. However, that was simply not how she was wired.

One night it all came to a head. After days of having tried to coax her to tie me down to the bed again and do “those things” to me, she finally erupted and let me have it. She made quite clear that my very manhood was in question as far as she was concerned. These things I wanted disgusted her and basically she wondered what kind of “real man” would want those things from a woman.
I spent that night in our guest bedroom with the lights off and kneeling in a corner for several hours. I sat there on my knees, tears streaming down, praying to the God whom I was always taught loved me and wanted good things for me. I prayed and begged for him to rip this horrible and disgusting thing out of me that made me a horrible and disgusting person. I wondered why a loving God would put such a terrible flaw into his creation. I’ve never abandoned my faith in God – but he did not remove the thorn from my side that night, despite all of my anguish.

Fast forward another lifetime. I was more than double the age that I was when I sat there on my knees asking God to make me a good person worthy of love. I’d been through two divorces, two careers, two home ownerships, etc. I’d been actively involved in the leather community for the vast majority of my adult life. I’d been a switch for many years and later put down the whip altogether and fully embraced being a submissive.

I was well liked and had all of the “play partners” I could possibly want. I’m a fun masochist, so my requests for a good beating were rarely turned down. But those were hour-long events. When lucky, I was invited to spend a weekend serving a Domme. A weekend of domestic chores with some good, sadistic play mixed in. The energy was great, but these were all friendships. For an extended period, I’d served one Domme on a regular basis. She had convinced me that the trick to fulfillment in all of this was NOT to fall in love. Love complicated matters. Dominance, submission, protocol. If you couldn’t be content with that, there was something wrong with you as a submissive. After all, she was granting me the privilege of serving her and receiving her marks and bruises. What more could a submissive want?

After about a year, she ended my service abruptly with an email and no explanation.

The next 6 -8 months were spent attending munches and play parties. I reverted back to switching for awhile just to increase my play opportunities. I “dated” a Domme here, a Domme there. Either their personality or style wouldn’t match what I was looking for. I was getting all the playtime I could handle. I even had some fairly regular sexual partners. So, by “kinky” standards, my life was perfect.

But I was still unhappy. My kinky life wasn’t “dark” – it was empty. I was walking away from each scene and each sexual encounter saying “Well, THAT was fun!” – but my heart was telling me something different. Looking over fresh bruises acquired the night before no longer held the awe and appeal it once did. Eventually my disillusionment caused play partners and sex partners to see me as “conflicted” and not so much fun anymore.

I stepped out of the lifestyle. I tried vanilla dating, but discovered that vanilla women were more neurotic than anything I’d run across in the lifestyle. So the emptiness grew inside. I felt that I did not fit in anywhere.

It was simply by chance that an old friend said, “I know you aren’t playing or dating. But what can it hurt to come out and hang with some of your own kind for an evening?” Another person had decided to come along with some kinky friends to just “hang out” that night as well. And if not for that twist of fate, perhaps we would have never met. And it wasn’t even until I’d chatted it up with this “friend of a friend of a friend” and we were parting ways for the evening that I learned her name – Mistress Oasis.

I have to stop there, because to write anymore about it would be giving away a chapter of my book. But hopefully, someone who is wandering about feeling empty in this lifestyle will stumble upon this writing of mine. To them I would say “Don’t give up.” Take a break if you need to, but don’t quit showing up. This lifestyle has new people filtering into it every day. And it’s not all twenty-somethings who just finished reading “50 Shades.” There are women coming into this community in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s who have wanted to rule men all their lives and only now have decided to shed society’s “norms” and seek what they crave.

But you have to be there if you’re going to meet them. I hope you find yours soon!

– Slave Dragos

 

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Delayed Rewards

Submissive males, here’s some advice that could prove invaluable to you:
Set aside your overbearing desire for sex – and you just might wind up having better sexual experiences that you’ve ever dared dream of.

In my book, ENERGY and BDSM, I discuss energy between BDSM practitioners, how to become more aware of your own energy, and ways to enhance that energy connection between partners in a BDSM environment. Since my start in the 90’s I’ve spent many years performing scenes at clubs and dungeons that had “No Penetration” and “No Bodily Fluids” rules, so early on I got to learn to appreciate the joy and intensity of an S/M scene without expectations of sex or orgasm – and I started out as a Top! Whenever I was not partnered in life with someone, I had a lot more play without sex than I would actually have sex itself. I always chased the “head high” of the experience, along with the energy connection with the person I was playing with at any given moment.

That’s not to say that I’m “a-sexual” or not very sexually driven or what-not. Hell, I LOVE sex. And I love orgasms. But I knew how to shelve that and enjoy a scene with a beautiful naked woman in front of me without constantly being focused on her or my genital or desire to get laid. That in itself had payoffs, as I gained a reputation as “that guy” who club managers and dungeon owners would recommend to any new ladies who might be there on their first visit and want to experiment, but didn’t know how or – more importantly – with whom to play. Being known as a Top who didn’t take himself too seriously, would stay well within limits, and never tried to take advantage of a sub or bottom gave me even more play opportunities.

I’ve always preached that “This is not just sex.” I used to get so disgusted at people who couldn’t get past the naked imagery and the raw arousal quality of what we kinksters do. But, as I’m older, I realize that for some that’s as deep as BDSM or D/s will ever go and there is no interest in seeing anything more in it. They’re not “bad.” They just aren’t interested in experiencing anything deeper than an orgasm.

However, for you guys who identify for real as one who gains his happiness when making someone else happy, one of the first things you must learn is to regulate the flames of sexual desire for the purpose of attaining a place within your higher calling. I didn’t say give up on sex, or totally deny yourself sex. I said REGULATE. The Dommmes I’ve known far prefer to control a man who is already in control of himself.

It is not a losing proposition. Let me tell you what you stand to gain. Having those above-stated qualities can attract some very strong, sophisticated, and caring women to you. Turning your focus from sex to simply pleasing a woman without expectations can lead to very meaningful relationships. this can lead to falling in love. I’m here to tell you that sex with a strong, intelligent, dominant and caring woman that you are madly and helplessly in love with is an experience like no other. Your wildest visually oriented sex fantasies come nowhere close to what is felt when there is a heart connection.

I am desperately in love with my incredible Mistress, who also loves me. That alone makes the service better. It makes the naked vulnerability better. It makes the pain better. And when she orders me to “Get on that bed!” – what follows is a body, mind and HEART experience that has been known to almost render me unconscious at times.

Guys – it all begins with focusing on her.

 

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