Why I Chose Submission

Over the last several years of my life, I’ve had several friends both inside and outside of the BDSM community tell me that I’ve never seemed happier than I do now.

As I’ve written in my book – “Energy and BDSM,” I’ve been “kinky” as far back as I remember. Seriously. Long before I learned why little boys and little girls had different body parts and how babies were made, my young, innocent little mind swirled with macabre images of bondage and torment. Sometimes, I was the tormentor. Other times, I was the one shackled to a wall with an evil woman doing painful and lewd things to me while laughing viciously, and enjoying herself the entire time.

My little, pre-pubescent psyche was, as of yet, unencumbered by sexual understanding, pornography, or masturbatory urges. However, in those strange fantasies of torture and sadism, the consenting victim was consistently naked, emotionally hopeless, and spiritually broken – even though I was too young to have described those psychological states the way I can now. And, the villain would always take some time to focus on the most private and vulnerable parts of their prey, adding to the horror of the suffering captive.

I was also, by nature, the little kid who wanted to help everyone. Doing things for other people simply made me feel good. But, what also made me feel good was adventure and taking chances. Getting myself into situations that frightened me, and then overcoming them, gave me a strong sense of satisfaction – and probably took an extra 10 years off my parents’ lives.

That desire for helping others has followed me throughout my life, evidenced by my career choices and work ethic. I’ve always chosen work that 1) was based on self sacrifice in the interest of protecting or caring for others and 2) had an element of serious risk if mistakes were made. Interestingly enough, those jobs also came with the requirement of being able to control circumstances, other people, and myself.

So, it only seemed natural when I found the first outlet for my unique tastes in my late teens (my girlfriend suggested I tie her up and “have my way” with her) that I took the “Dominant” role. And, I enjoyed it. Having a willing “victim” to ravage was everything I’d imagined it to be. I was quick to understand the responsibility that came with that privilege as well. Entering into the “public” realm of practicing BDSM groups reinforced and enhanced my understanding with concepts like “SSC,” safety techniques, and detailed communication.

It wasn’t long, however, before I asked that she reverse the roles and treat me to some bondage and pain. She reluctantly agreed, and I can say that I understood right away that masochism and being restrained held a far different satisfaction for me that easily rivaled what I got from my sadistic endeavors. I tried to be careful, however, not to push too far because my girlfriend (who later became my wife) was clearly not an enthusiastic sadist. Looking back now, I realize she wasn’t really a sadist at all. Unfortunately, as cautious as I was, I was not always successful in not pushing too far for her – and it did cause some waves in the marriage. We divorced after several years. Not because of the kinky stuff, but due to other factors in daily life.

I spent several years switching. But, it was always with someone who was either primarily a submissive or a switch. And, honestly, I never really “submitted” to anyone. I “bottomed” as a masochist. I still enjoyed topping, and primarily lived that role. A good friend once told me that, having watched me in several scenes and in both roles, that I was the only person she knew whom she would call a “true” switch. She said that it was obvious that I was equally passionate, regardless of which role I was in.

It wasn’t until much later, when I first played with a good friend who was strictly a Domme, that I found something “deeper.” I can honestly say I was nervous going in, because I had convinced myself over the years that I was not a submissive. I enjoyed bottoming and masochism, but the one thing that frightened me the most was letting go of all control, and fully giving into someone else’s desires, with no expectations of what I would get out of the venture. I describe this experience in great detail in my book. But, for brevity here, let me just say that entering into the situation I feared the most is exactly where the magic happened for me.

Yes, we negotiated first. We talked extensively. She had me clearly define my limits, my fantasies, and my fears. Then, once the time and place was set, she made perfectly clear to me that – although she was going to respect my limits and keep me safe – I was going to be there to serve her needs. Any rewards or pleasure I would receive would be fully within her discretion.

Sex and orgasm were off the table. This would be a 100% service, submission, and pain experience for me. When the appointed evening began, I was scared, excited, and determined all at the same time. Once the evening was over and I was curled up at her feet, massaging her calves and marveling at the new universe my head was floating around in – I realized I’d found that utopia I’d daydreamed about so many years ago as a young, innocent, untouched soul. After a few more experiences like that, I realized that surrender and loss of control is what I wanted – and I wanted to experience it as deeply as possible.

After a few years of doing this on a strictly platonic level with sadistic Domme friends, I met Mistress Oasis. It was she that introduced a new ingredient to the mix – love and adoration. I can now say I’m officially addicted. I’m in love with her. I love serving her. I love showing her my appreciation in as many ways as I can each day. But, for me, nothing quite compares to the all-enveloping experience of being bound, stripped of all defenses and rights of protest (except for a safe-word), and hurt … all the time knowing that behind the maniacal, deviant smile of my sadistic tormentor lies a heart that melts a little more with every mark she makes, and every squirming moan she draws out of me.

Yeah, I was a good Top, and a good switch. But, it was in letting go and submitting that I finally found my true fulfillment. I haven’t topped in years and, to be quite honest, I’ve never been happier.

 

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Will the Internet Destroy Traditional BDSM?

Without doubt, FetLife has become the virtual hub for all things kink. But, it does not stand alone. The Internet is absolutely chock full of information, images, thoughts, blogs, stories, and opinions of bondage, leather, fetish dominance, submission, etc., etc… Never before have so many variations of human behavior been crammed into one big tent. And, never before has so much “information” been readily available at one’s fingertips.

How did anyone do this stuff before there was an Internet to show us all how, where, and with whom??

When I came into the BDSM community, the Internet was still in its infancy. Interaction between kinksters was basically limited to emails, chat rooms, and private messages within IRC servers. Images were still too large, and connections still too slow to have profiles with a bunch of pictures on them. In fact, “social media” wasn’t even a thing yet.

Back then, two things were very different than they are now. Firstly, most groups involved in BDSM and its practice emphasized D/s, S/M, and accompanying practices as a lifestyle, rather than simply another form of sex. Secondly, I cannot remember seeing anyone scolded back then for asking a question – no matter how many times it may have been asked and answered.

A Lifestyle – not a sex-style.
If you click around FetLife for any period of time, it’s easy to find plenty of profiles that really have nothing to do with leather, bondage, BDSM – or even fetish!! But they have everything to do with sex, dick pics, fuck photos, and beaver shots. Now, I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. Mistress Oasis and I have a very active, fun, and creative sex life. I love sex and orgasms. And, yes, even I have nude pics and dick pics on my profile, but all in the context of submission or CBT. The sex is a small part of who we are and what we do. That was the message promoted by kink-friendly groups of my day. Yes, we were all sexually active. But, sex was not what we were about.

I was born too late to have been involved in the “Old Guard” subset, with their rigid rules, protocols, and dress codes. However, the community, when I did enter it in the 90s, did have basic standards of behavior. We didn’t just run up to people we didn’t know, and request play or sexual favors. Nowadays, it’s nothing for people (mostly men) to message total strangers with declarations of what they want to do “for” them, or to them.

Back then, everyone kept their hands to themselves unless contact was agreed to – as safety, consent, and negotiation were the holy grails of the lifestyle. Today, I see WAY too much uninvited groping and boob/ass grabbing going on at play parties.

Some time ago, we went to a private party where a male Dom greeted Mistress Oasis and then promptly put his hand on one of her breasts, while commenting on how nice they looked. After a few choice words, we left and we haven’t ever gone back. Play parties used to be special events where special things were expected to be experienced. As such, we dressed the part. Leathers and evening attire were the norm. Now, you’re just as likely to see shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops at a play party. When I got my start, scenes were serene and artful, and emphasized the connection between the players. Sure, they could be sexy, sensual, or even brutal. But, they usually had an artistic or performance quality flare to them. Today, at just about any play party, at some point, we are almost certain to be treated to the old “forced orgasm” scene. It’s the lowest common denominator and anyone can do it. We overtly distinguished ourselves from swingers by not turning our play parties into sex shows. And, I’m not criticizing swingers – I was one for several years. They do their thing, which is much different than our thing.

Or, is it? It seems that – as more and more people are invited to come hang out in the kink realm (many of whom have ZERO interest in BDSM, D/s, kink OR fetish), the more it seems that BDSM is becoming just another way to fuck. There was a time when we were very enigmatic. There was a mystique about us leather-folk. Nowadays, if you click on someone’s profile who call themselves a “sub” or “slave” you’re just as likely to find a hundred photos of that one person posing naked or masturbating as you are to find somebody actually celebrating submission or slavery. Wanting everyone to see you naked and getting off makes you an exhibitionist – and that’s fine. We leather types have never judged. But, it does not make you “submissive” or a “slave.” However, I digress.

It just seems to me that those who practice a loving power exchange are being seen as no different than those who just want to fuck…or act like an animal and fuck…or act like a child and fuck…or dress up like the opposite gender and fuck. And again, I hold no judgment against anyone who wants to fuck in any one of 10,000 ways. But, those of us who practice protocols and power exchange are indeed different and unique. I would hate to see us lose our identity completely.

Stuck on “Stickies”
I like to check out posts in the various groups I belong to. I’m noticing a serious lack of patience toward anyone asking a question anymore. You almost cannot read through a discussion thread without someone blathering on about “Stickies” (basically tagged posts at the top of the page for easy reference).

You should go look in the stickies. This topic has been addressed several times already.”

Oh yeah? No shit? Tell me when was the last time that someone posted a question in one of these threads that HASN’T been answered at some point in the past?

Question – how did you feel when you were a kid and you asked your parents something, and their answer was “look it up?” Or, today when you ask about something, and someone tells you “Google It.” Is that what the BDSM community is now here for – to tell everybody else to go look somewhere else for their answers?

Years ago, we, too, had a constant parade of new and inexperienced people logging into the chat rooms, and showing up at the BDSM discussion meetings. No, not the thousands every day like we have now on FetLife. But back then, just like today, there were things that simply got asked over and over. We had “stickies” back then, too. They were called “books.” Books like “BDSM 101,” “Screw the Roses – Send Me the Thorns,” “The Loving Dominant,” “The Topping Book,” and “The Bottoming Book,” as well as others. And, we recommended them to newcomers enthusiastically.

What we didn’t say was, “Hey! You need to go buy “BDSM 101” because the answer to your question is in there and you are simply annoying me with your question. And, we certainly didn’t tell people that their question was pointless, or without purpose, or dumb – which is something else I notice a lot of today.

Wasn’t the Internet supposed to make it easier for us to share information and knowledge? What’s happened? What’s the point of a discussion group if we don’t want to “discuss” anything, and instead keep pointing people to the virtual public library? And, how ridiculous is it that people, who have nothing else going on in their lives, sit on FetLife and take the time to post on a discussion thread to scold someone else for asking a question and wasting their time?? If you’re on FetLife, it’s a pretty good indicator that you’ve got some time to spare!

I see a lot of posts by younger people about how mean we “older” people are here on FL. Call them wimps and whiners if you like, but I can see their point. FetLife says “Come one! Come all! Come hang out here where all kinky people are safe and welcome!!” And then, the minute these new people ask a question, they are told how stupid they are.

What’s the future of BDSM? Who defines us?
The Internet?
The porn industry?
Outsiders?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve invested a lot of time, effort, money and feelings into my D/s and S/M life. Mistress Oasis and I haven’t gone to a lifestyle event in a long time because of the direction things are going in. I wonder if, in 20 more years, BDSM will have any resemblance to its origins.

Or will it be recognized at all?

Dragos is a 24/7 owned and collared slave who has been in the BDSM lifestyle for 30 years. He began as a Dominant, later experimented with switching as a bottom. After some pivotal experiences in masochistic and service oriented submission, he finally became exclusively submissive. He now faithfully serves his beloved Domme, Mistress Oasis.  He is the author of “Energy and BDSM – Exploration of a Deeper Experience” and is currently working on his second book – a dating guide for submissive single men. 

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)

My EVOTION 3D Printed Chastity Cage

If you are interested in male chastity and you haven’t checked out the EVOTION WEARABLES male chastity cages yet, I highly recommend you do. Especially if, like me, you are a “grower” rather than a “show-er.” (Meaning that your penis gets a lot larger when you get an erection. Guys who are “show-ers” maintain roughly the same length between their flaccid state and their erect state) I grow from about 4 inches limp and relaxed to 7 inches erect – and my girth about triples. Although I’m not breaking any records in the porn industry with those measurements, those variations in size make it really tough for guys who wish to be kept caged on a continual basis.

My cage is equivalent to a wedding ring, or a collar to me. It’s the symbol of my intense love and devotion to Mistress Oasis. Cheap, “one-size-fits-all” metal cages bought from the popular adult toy websites proved too bulky and uncomfortable for long term wear. So we bought a CB6000. It came with 5 different sized “base rings” that go around the balls and the base of the shaft. Too large a ring would allow the whole contraption to slide down my junk and prove pretty much useless. However, selecting the right sized ring to keep everything in place in my flaccid state resulted in blood flow to my balls being cut off when I got hard, plus my penis would push the whole apparatus forward, causing a very painful pull on the balls. I also have titanium clamps from a vasectomy which would often get caught on the wrong side of that ring, causing excessive pain there as well. In the end, my erections managed to split the seam of the plastic cage in 4 months – and I think I have a right to brag about that.

Anyway, I moved on to Mature Metals, who make very nice custom steel cages. I took all the measurements as prescribed and ordered their JailBird model. It is honestly a very nice, well made cage. When locked inside, you definitely know that you are restrained. However, once again, I had similar problems. Mature Metals recommends measuring the penis at its relaxed, flaccid length (not the cold swimming pool shrinkage length). And they say to order just a bit small. So I ordered a 3 1/2 inch long model so I would fill it up comfortably when relaxed. However, again – once I’d grow in my sleep, the whole cage would ride forward and the base ring would become tighter and tighter. On several occasions we had to remove the cage in the middle of the night when everything was painful and purple. On the other hand, over the summer, I discovered that when I walked around and my balls would become relaxed and hang low, the heavy steel cage would slide down a couple of inches and the whole apparatus would rest just on top of my balls. Now, I don’t blame Mature Metals for this. Their product is exactly what they advertise. It’s a strong, high quality, very secure steel cage. I blame my own anatomy – which will not stay at those ideally measured proportions that the cage is built to. Maybe way down the road when I’m too old to have night erections, the JailBird will be a perfect cage for me. But for now, it’s been relegated to the bag of misfit toys.

 

 

I saw some posts on these custom 3D printed chastity cages about 8 months ago, and let’s just say I did a lot of homework. Their CAGE 7 model intrigued me, because it used no base ring around the balls. Over the last couple of years I’d seen chastity devices designed to cover just the head of the penis and , to be honest, I didn’t really like the appearance of them. They just didn’t look “right” to me. And there was also a psychological aspect missing: As a submissive male who wants a physical symbol of his devotion to his Mistress and her ownership of him, a device that entraps the entire genital package would seem to better offer that “feel” of complete captivity. However, a few months ago I realized that such devices were simply not practical to my physiology.

 

To keep this post relatively short, I’ll write another later with more technical details about my cage. But let me just say that I LOVE this chastity device.

Firstly, it’s polymer, so it’s LIGHT. It is held in place not only by my PA piercing, but by the custom shape of the cage surrounding the head. It actually has a “lip” that rests just behind the head to keep the whole thing from sliding around. So all of the stress is not just on my piercing. Because it has no base ring, it just follows whatever happens with my penis. The cage itself is 3 inches long, so when I’m hard, it simply encloses the last 3 inches, leaving the rest of the shaft exposed. When I’m soft, it covers up more of the shaft. And no more sore, purple balls!! The slots over the glans are just big enough to slip a Q-tip in for adjustment, but little else. So, no – I cannot pleasure myself through them. My cock is locked down securely. The whole thing is held together by the red ring around the base. The red ring is held shut by a small one-way plastic tab inserted between the closing ends of the ring. The tab is purple in the photos. It can only be removed by cutting the tab down the middle. Only then can the ring come apart and the pieces of the plastic tab can be removed from the ring ends. A new tab is put in place when the cage is put back on. I picked this option because of the slim profile – but they offer integrated locks, padlocks, and other locking options.

 

This model is not for everyone. It requires a PA or other piercing. But if you’ve got an extra hole or two in your pecker, and you’re having problems with cages that have base rings, you may want to look into EVOTION.

 

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)