So, there you have it. I don’t know if you’d call me an “expert” when it comes to chastity. But I can say I’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to discovering what works for me. I’m ecstatic that I found a good, comfortable cage in four tries and spending just around $1000.00 total. Seriously, I’ve read posts from guys who say they’ve owned/tried a dozen and more different brands and styles of cage before finding one that was right for them. And going through multiple cages is a common theme throughout the chastity community.
Chastity is a very personal thing. Each guy who wears a cage has his own reasons for it. For some, it’s a real pursuit of self-control. For others it’s a sexual turn on to be denied sex. And there are some who feel a deeper spiritual bond with their partner when they are locked up. For me, it’s a symbol of possession. It reminds me that my male appendage is not mine, it’s hers. Just like I am hers, by choice. I want to feel that as deeply as I can. Wearing a cage and surrendering free access to the most intimate part of my own body is an unmistakable gesture of submission to my Mistress, whom I love more than anyone on this planet.
However, if you choose male chastity for the long term, it’s not all fantasy fun and games. There are real and practical considerations to ponder. Hopefully, the experiences I’ve shared here will help smooth your path a little so you can find your perfect place within the chastity world.
CB6000 – This is one of the most popular chastity cages around. It’s not exactly the best cage. But, it is a good combination of price, fair quality, and versatility.
The CB6000 is offered by CB-X, and they’ve been around for awhile. The basic models of this cage are made entirely of plastic. The most common model they sell is clear, but they also offer some various colored versions and even a couple of cages formed out of metal.
A basic package includes five different sized base rings, the cage section (the tube your cock goes into), and connecting pins and spacers to adjust the gap between the cage and ring. It’s a great cage for getting started because of the different sizes you can experiment with to establish what works best for you. Some guys actually stick with the CB-X cages for full-time wear. One of the nice things about the CB-X cages is that, if you have to go through any metal detectors, the plastic cage will not set them off (considering you don’t use a metal lock.) In fact, they even offer plastic locks to ensure this. These are one time only locks that have to be cut off. They are serial numbered, in case trust is an issue.
This cage is lightweight. It’s all plastic, unless you opted for one of their chrome tube sections. It requires that you assemble six separate pieces to lock it on. Once you get the knack of putting the pieces together, the cage goes on and comes off pretty easily. And, I cannot say that it isn’t a comfortable cage. I opted for a package with a 3 inch tube as opposed to the 2 ½ inch tube. I felt the shorter tube would scrunch me up too much. With the right sized ring and the right sized spacers, it was snug and comfortable.
However, the first problem I discovered was the fact that when I got an erection, my cock pushed forward on the tube. The tube was connected to the base ring. When the base ring slid forward, it would pull and stretch my balls painfully. Wearing a larger base ring would make it easier for it to slide up and squish my balls within their sack. Trying a slightly smaller base ring resulted in less sliding. But, it would also cut off the circulation at the base of my penis, causing it to turn purple and my balls to turn dark, and hurt badly within minutes of an erection.
Secondly, I discovered the urination issues. Working in a large office building with large restrooms and lots of people running around, I quickly realized that standing up at a urinal was no longer going to be an option for me. Each time I went to piss, I had to manipulate the head of my cock to line up with the slot at the end of the cage. I have a natural curve and, after several hours of sitting at a computer with everything shriveled up in “office mode,” things would become a little cock-eyed within the cage. I couldn’t very well stand at a urinal four and five times a day fiddling with my caged trouser snake each time, trying to get things lined up. So, urination became a sitting event for me.
One time, when I was in a hurry, I decided to just go ahead and stand at the urinal. I had on a suit with a coat, which blocked my view of the caged beast. “No worries,” I decided, and let go the flow. It wasn’t until I felt the warmth spreading around my left thigh that I realized that my pee-hole and the cage’s pee-hole weren’t aligned just right. A steady portion of the piss was dribbling along the bottom of the cage, back up the cage – literally defying gravity – and soaking into the front of my grey trousers. I had a giant, unmistakable wet stain from my crotch to half-way down my thigh. I spent 20 minutes in a handicapped stall trying to dry the spot with paper towels, and by furiously waving my hands in front of them. Once it seemed dry enough, I went to my boss, with my briefcase in front of me, and told her I was feeling ill, and had to go home. That was the last time I’ve ever stood to urinate in a public restroom with a cage on.
Cleaning the CB6000 was a chore as well. I have a 6 guage PA piercing. I’m NEVER able to pee without some dribbling going on. Even with stuffing toilet paper into the urination slot after each trip to the toilet, a little drip here and a little drip there stays in the cage and dries. You can imagine what the smell gets like by the end of the day. (Sexy, huh?)
I found advice on a male chastity site that said to use Q-tips to get inside and clean the penis. So, each evening in the shower, I’d wet and soap up the Q-tip, insert it up through the pee slot, and swab it around inside the tube. The Q-tip would quickly become flimsy and unusable. So, I’d have to continue with another, and another. Then I had to use yet another Q-tip to insert into the tube and press against my penis to allow water to flow through the cage to rinse it out. I became fairly good at this, and could get everything cleaned up using about 6 Q-tips. But then, how to dry myself inside a plastic tub?? Well, more Q-tips, of course. I’d insert dry Q-tips one at a time and swirl them around inside the cage between my skin and the plastic. It usually took about 6 more Q-tips (both ends) to get everything dry. I later found these little items that helped the cleaning process immensely. They are narrower than Q-tips, and the heads are made of foam rather than spun cotton, so they don’t fall apart. But, Q-tips still work best for drying.
I had a couple of unique experiences with the CB6000 at work. One day, as I was walking quickly down a long hallway filled with people, my 6 gauge titanium PA ring managed to position itself just right so that it swayed back and forth inside the plastic cage with each step. It created a crisp and clearly audible “CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK” as I hustled down the hallway. Another issue I had with my piercing was that it would occasionally trap a tiny bit of the tip of my cock between the ring and the plastic of the cage, causing a painful pinch.
My most horrifying experience was after I’d decided to stop wearing underwear to reduce the ball crushing I had to endure from the base ring every time I sat down. I was standing one morning at my boss’ desk, who was a female, discussing some strategies on a project I was managing. About ten minutes into the conversation, I happened to look down, and noticed that my pants were just snug enough to present a perfect outline of my cage. Looking at the CB6000, you can see that the tube is shaped exactly like a penis – complete with a large, bulbous head at the end. It didn’t look like a bulge. It didn’t look like I’d stuffed a sock in my pants. It looked like the unmistakable outline of A COCK pressing against the fabric of my business pants! (although I did get another raise in pay very soon thereafter. I wonder…….)
The final straw with the CB6000 for me was when I started feeling a very sharp pain on the underside of my penis, right near the base. I discovered that the seam running down the middle of the cage had begun to split. It was trapping my skin in the tiny space between the two halves of the cage, and actually causing a cut. So, we began looking for a new style of cage.
None of this is to say that the CB6000 is a bad cage. I’m just sharing my experiences with it. I think if you are starting out with chastity, and don’t want to drop over $200 for one of the custom metal cages just yet, it’s a great starter. You can get the full package from CB-X for $150.00. That will supply you with everything you need to experiment with different rings and spacers to see what combination works best – or if it works for you at all. You can purchase additional cage sections of different sizes and colors – including pink or camo, if that’s your thing. You can even add plastic “spikes” that poke into your shaft when you get hard, and various other accessories.
There was one other feature I liked. I’m a bit of a survival/prepper type guy. No, I don’t live in a bunker under the house or anything like that. But, I constantly maintain awareness of my surroundings and regularly have mental plans for what I’d do if something bad occurred. No, I don’t wander around all day worrying. I just play an ongoing game of “what if.” Anyway, at that time I was working in a major urban/metropolitan area, and had to commute an hour each way. This was at a time when we were having a lot of bombings, mass shootings, civil unrest and racial violence throughout the US. If I got stuck inside the city in a bad situation, the last thing I wanted was my cock and balls all confined in a plastic trap. The CB6000 can be completely removed in an emergency by cutting the end off the plastic center pin. This was a comfort, because I could leave home without any emergency key (more on that in the next section), and still be assured that, with the pocket knife I carry everywhere I go, I could get myself out of the cage if I had to.
The most helpful tip for someone considering the CB6000 would be to arrange to remove the cage for showering each day. It makes cleaning so much easier. Why didn’t I do it that way? Well, Mistress Oasis and I had already decided that our goal in all this was to achieve “24/7” wear for me, with the cage only coming off when she decides to use my cock for her pleasure. From what I’ve studied of the male chastity lifestyle, there are lots of guys out there who share the same desire to remove the cage as little as possible. But, keeping things clean down there is very important. Perhaps a couple can establish a protocol where the Domme unlocks the cage before the sub showers, and replaces it immediately after he towels off.
Maybe you’re reading this as a guy wanting to be caged yourself. Or maybe you’re already a caged male looking to see how my experience compares with yours. Perhaps you are a woman considering chastity for your own man. Whatever your reason for reading this, all I’m offering are my experiences and my reasons for being caged. Each man or couple who are involved in chastity do it for their own reasons.
I don’t wear my cage to prevent infidelity. I don’t have a problem with infidelity. I don’t wear it to prevent masturbation, either. Some guys wear a cage to see how long they can “survive” without having an orgasm. That’s not me. Others wear one because of the constant sense of arousal they get from it. My arousal comes at the hands of my Mistress, not my cage.
For me, the cage is the symbol of my love and devotion to Mistress Oasis. In fact, she refers to it as my wedding ring. My orgasms are hers, and she’s not stingy with me. In fact, she enjoys making me climax. It’s control. We don’t try for marathon stretches of orgasm denial. In fact, I care less about orgasms than I do about receiving pain and spending time in subspace. I can be tortured for hours with no orgasm – and be perfectly content. So, the idea of orgasm denial is kind of lost on me. But, she loves to see my body yield to her in that way. She enjoys watching me lose control at her hands, so I’m never orgasm deprived.
I can’t wear a collar 24/7. I don’t want a tattoo that says “property of” anyone – even though I do consider myself her property. My cage, locked and unlocked exclusively by her, is our chosen sign of my love, devotion, dedication, and servitude to Mistress Oasis. She loves how it looks. She loves the control it gives her. She loves the meaning and the symbolism it holds.
The bottom line of male chastity is this: for us men, the penis is a juggernaut. It defines our “maleness.” Masculine men fear losing it. Even “sissies” and cross dressers focus on their penises for the source of their pleasure. It makes us “men.” Look at the overwhelming array of treatments advertised today for erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and “low testosterone.” Involuntarily losing the penis or its functionality is a fear most men share deep inside.
With that thought in mind, we can understand the profoundness of male chastity. Giving up free control of the penis evokes powerful emotions. The feeling of having our manhood encased in some rigid apparatus draws our attention to it. Having the choice of touching it or not touching it taken away evokes many primal feelings. Not being allowed the freedom to produce our own orgasms at will causes most men a fair bit of anxiety. Oh, yes, it’s always in the back of all our minds, at some level.
So, we invent devices that deny us access to that thing which makes us men – at least temporarily. Like other types of bondage, it allows us to feel that loss of control, that helplessness, even a sense of desperation. But, we do it in a safe environment. For those going it alone, they explore this mindscape with the reassurance that rescue is only as far away as the key or something that can cut away a plastic lock. For those of us with a keyholder, our safety net is the trust we hold in that person to release us if we ever declare that we truly cannot stand it anymore. That trust can evoke feelings and sentiments that become equally as strong as the anxieties awakened by surrendering free will over our manhood. In fact, the trust and love I have for Mistress Oasis is stronger than I’ve ever had for anyone else in my life.
However, the act of encasing one’s penis in metal or plastic creates its own plethora of challenges. Putting a cage on for awhile during a scene normally brings with it no ill effects or inconveniences. But, when the decision is made to wear one for extended periods, challenges arise.
Fit – If a cage is a little big or a little too small during play, it’s no big deal. But, an ill-fitting cage manifests itself as an uncomfortable burden within a few hours. And, getting a cage that fits “properly” is not easy. The penis doesn’t stay the same size all day long. It grows, it shrinks, and it even shrivels. Many cages rely on the balls and scrotum to keep them in place. But, those don’t even stay the same. They loosen and tighten throughout the day. This is why many men who pursue the practice of male chastity wind up going through multiple brands and styles of cages. And, just because one <i>appears<i> to be just what you are looking for online, you can never predict what flaws you’ll find in the design until you get it, and put it on. There are many things to consider – length, girth, curvature, construction material, gap between a base ring and the cage, locking method, assembly, pinch points, weight, oval verses round base ring, etc. The list goes on and on.
Hygiene– Have you ever had to wear a cast? How did it smell after a couple of weeks? Well, a man’s genitals sweat just like an arm or a leg does. Base rings collect dead skin and substances that emit through the skin’s pores throughout the day. The CB3000 type cages, made of plastic, are well known for building up a lot of humidity inside. It is possible to clean chastity cages without removing them, but it is time consuming and takes some effort.
Urination – Unfortunately, to entrap the source of your sexual arousal in a cage also means that you must entrap a very practical appendage in a cage. I’m going to discuss this a lot, because it is an everyday reality that you will have to deal with if you wear a cage long term. You urinate through your penis, which is now in a cage. Most manufacturers include some sort of opening or slot at the tip of their cages to allow for urination. However, pissing with a cage on is never, never anywhere similar to pissing without one. You can’t “shake” clean with a cage on. And, depending on the style of cage, there is never a clean, steady stream. You kind of spray in an unpredictable pattern. And often, some of it dribbles down along the bottom of the cage. If you have a PA piercing, it exacerbates this effect. A lot of cages have a downward curvature, making a straight-forward aim toward a stand-up urinal almost impossible. Often, sitting to urinate becomes your only option for making sure you don’t soak your pants.
Conceal-ability – Almost all of the manufacturers out there will advertise that their cages will “disappear” under your clothing. Maybe so, if you wear combat fatigues. But, I know from personal experience that business clothes and jeans can easily outline the thing that you are trying to hide down there. And, if you’ve ever used a public men’s room, you know that usually those partitions between urinals don’t really prevent anyone from seeing what you’ve got down there. And, just how much fiddling and fumbling can you do while trying to get the apparatus back in your pants before someone starts to wonder just what you’re doing with your junk over there?
Comfort– Even after finding the “perfect” fit – the real test has not yet begun. A cage feels much different when you are naked than it does when it’s tucked into a pair of pants and you are sitting, squatting, kneeling down, or lying on your stomach if you are a handyman like me. Every different position with clothes on presses and shoves the cage in one direction or another. Skin can get pinched between the clothing and the cage. Sitting for long periods can press the edges of the cage into skin, causing discomfort over time. One thing I hated about wearing cages with base rings is how my balls continually got smashed up against the inside of my trousers whenever I sat.
All of these challenges, and still there are lots of us men who choose to do it anyway. None of what I’ve discussed above is to disparage male chastity itself, but only to shed light on the challenges we face once we start down that road. In my next installment of this series, I’ll begin to describe the various cages I’ve tried, along with the characteristics I found to be positive and negative.
Note: In this series, I’ve posted links to videos that Mistress Oasis and I made to demonstrate various cages. Due to WordPress’s limited reliability concerning video file hosting (slow/buffering), I had the videos uploaded to Porn Hub. If you do not wish to have your computer navigate to Porn Hub, please DO NOT click on any images that indicate a video file. Each such link is specifically identified in its caption.
This 8 part series of blog posts chronicles my experiences with male chastity within a Female Led Relationship. I wanted to share with my readers what I’ve learned after having tried various “cages,” and expound on the realities of wearing a cage long-term versus the fantasy images that many guys have concerning being “locked.” This will include reviewing several examples of how wearing a cage affects your everyday life in ways you may have never even thought of. And, let’s face it – this is a great excuse to post a bunch of pictures of my cock without them really qualifying as “dick pics!” Right??
So, let’s get started.
Brief History– For many years, I had no desire to have my cock “caged.” In fact, I’m not even sure I was overtly aware of the existence of cock cages until only about seven years ago. I remember a girlfriend bringing up the idea, and explaining the concept of putting something on my dick that would completely cover and “lock” it. I remember thinking – and saying – “What the fuck would I want to do that for?”
A couple of years later, I was in service to “Mistress X,” whom I talk about in “Energy and BDSM.” She had me tidying up her toy closet one day. (Yes, besides a play room, she had an ENTIRE CLOSET just for toys!) I found a CB3000 cage amongst the toys. I showed it to her, and asked if she’d ever caged a sub for extended periods before. She said she had on a few occasions. We discussed the subject broadly, and my curiosity began to stir about what it would be like to wear one long term, which I communicated to her. (At that point, “long term” in my mind equated to about a week or so.) However, she didn’t jump at the opportunity. Instead, she explained that it was a big decision, and not a simple thing to be caged. She offered to discuss it later, depending on how I did showing my submission in other ways.
About a month later, after an evening of play, Mistress X asked if I’d like to try wearing the cage overnight as I slept. (I spent weekends with Mistress X, and slept in the guest room – our relationship was non-sexual.) I agreed to try it. I recall being somewhat apprehensive, somewhat excited, and somewhat curious. We put the cage on and she placed a lock in the retaining post, but did not secure it. It was entirely up to me that night whether the cage stayed on or came off.
It was an interesting evening, indeed. In one sense, there was nothing really special going on. There was a plastic ring around my balls and a plastic tube encasing my cock – that’s all. However, it still kept me keenly aware of and focused on my genitals. In a way, it felt kind of sexy. And, still there was a sense of loss of my free will. I tried to imagine how I’d feel if this thing was locked, and someone else was in charge of when it came off. That idea bothered my independent, Alpha male senses. “But, what if I were in love and owned by that woman? ,” I thought to myself in the dark. Ahhhhhhh….that thought sparked a little more understanding. And, with some vague images of myself in a collar, lying next to a Domme who’s heart was connected to mine, and my manhood securely locked up in a cage, I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, I took the cage off before going to the restroom. I cleaned and dried it, and went to the kitchen to start my day’s chores. At breakfast, Mistress X and I talked about the experience. I admitted that, indeed, it invoked a lot of feelings. I did not wear the cage again at Mistress X’s.
Fast forward a couple of years. I’d met Mistress Oasis and we had begun playing. She had one of those inexpensive “one size fits all” cages in her toy collection. We began incorporating that in our play. And, somewhere along the way, we fell in love.
This is where my journey down the male chastity path began.
I found a question in a group discussion from a guy asking how to get himself “into a submissive mood” after he’s come home from a hard day, and just can’t seem to switch from vanilla to “sub” on command.
A theme I touch on in both my books: FemDom Dating and Energy and BDSM is as follows: Before we are a sub, a Dom, a masochist, a sadist, a slave or owner – we are all human beings first.
As a human, we each have a soul and a psyche. These things aren’t static. They change. They evolve. They shift back and forth like tides in the ocean. And sometimes – like an ocean tide – we cannot stop or change what our minds and bodies are doing.
I’m submissive to Mistress Oasis – and only her. Toward everyone else, I’m a confident, strong, outspoken, opinionated man with strong values and some unwavering beliefs. So, my mindset shifts several times daily, from how I interact with the outside world to how I interact with my Mistress. Additionally, my interactions with her in public are different than my interactions with her behind closed doors.
However, I go through cycles where I cannot throw that switch and go from “jeans and T-shirt guy” to the naked slave on the floor licking Mistress’ boots. Sometimes, my pain threshold goes way off kilter and I cannot take anywhere near the pain I took last week. Sometimes, all of the naked domestic service and play in the world just won’t take my mind to that magical place I usually like to float around in for hours and hours. What’s a poor subbie to do?!?!
Well, if you are a sub and experiencing such difficulty, the first thing to do is to relax. Understand that this type of shift is normal. It can be frustrating, yes. Disappointing, yes. But, it’s a totally normal human condition.
In my opinion, there are lots of things you can do for your Dominant, even if you can’t get yourself into that “submissive” mindset. But first, communication is paramount. Your Dominant and you must have an understanding that:
1) There will be times when you will simply not be in “sub”” mode, and
2) What the two of you will do when this is the case.
(Note: Dommes can go through the same thing. They can have periods where they just want to co-exist with you without necessarily consider themselves “over” you. So, it’s a good thing to have an understanding about this as well.)
Once you and your Dominant have come to terms with the fact that you are in a slump, there are things you can do to maintain some of your submissive presence, without pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone.
If your situation allows you to be unclothed, and being unclothed won’t throw you off emotionally, then by all means – get those clothes off. Even if the rest of your evening will be spent watching TV, doing so with you naked and your Domme dressed will still be an expression of your devotion as her sub. Add a collar if you like to really make the statement.
Make dinner, or order it and serve it up to your Domme with a nice table setting.
Draw a bath for her. Almost every woman I’ve known enjoys sitting in a tub and relaxing while having their back scrubbed gently and their hair washed. Some candles and a glass of wine can add a very loving touch.
Foot rubs. Who doesn’t LOVE a good foot rub?? Again, add to the experience by doing it naked. Even better, sit on the floor and prop her feet up while she sits in a chair. Being on my knees and rubbing my Domme’s feet actually helps deliver me into my submissive headspace. If your Domme doesn’t like her feet messed with (I’ve known some just like that), then rub her back and shoulders.
Brush her hair. A lot of guys don’t think of this. But, I’ve found that most women really love to have someone brush their hair for them.
Finally, at bedtime, don’t just lay down and go to sleep. Whatever your sleeping arrangements are (some Dommes actually have their sub sleep on the floor) offer to first help her fall asleep. Most folks have favorite places they like to have rubbed gently. Back, neck, legs, butt, etc. Stay up and rub her favorite areas – or her whole body if she likes that – until she falls asleep.
Basically, use these periods of submissive “malaise” as opportunities for romantic interludes to show your appreciation for your Domme. I think a lot of guys relate being “submissive” with performing in a sexual or masochistic manner. In fact, “submission” takes many forms. Just think of things that will make your Domme happy and go for it!
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Over the last several years of my life, I’ve had several friends both inside and outside of the BDSM community tell me that I’ve never seemed happier than I do now.
As I’ve written in my book – “Energy and BDSM,” I’ve been “kinky” as far back as I remember. Seriously. Long before I learned why little boys and little girls had different body parts and how babies were made, my young, innocent little mind swirled with macabre images of bondage and torment. Sometimes, I was the tormentor. Other times, I was the one shackled to a wall with an evil woman doing painful and lewd things to me while laughing viciously, and enjoying herself the entire time.
My little, pre-pubescent psyche was, as of yet, unencumbered by sexual understanding, pornography, or masturbatory urges. However, in those strange fantasies of torture and sadism, the consenting victim was consistently naked, emotionally hopeless, and spiritually broken – even though I was too young to have described those psychological states the way I can now. And, the villain would always take some time to focus on the most private and vulnerable parts of their prey, adding to the horror of the suffering captive.
I was also, by nature, the little kid who wanted to help everyone. Doing things for other people simply made me feel good. But, what also made me feel good was adventure and taking chances. Getting myself into situations that frightened me, and then overcoming them, gave me a strong sense of satisfaction – and probably took an extra 10 years off my parents’ lives.
That desire for helping others has followed me throughout my life, evidenced by my career choices and work ethic. I’ve always chosen work that 1) was based on self sacrifice in the interest of protecting or caring for others and 2) had an element of serious risk if mistakes were made. Interestingly enough, those jobs also came with the requirement of being able to control circumstances, other people, and myself.
So, it only seemed natural when I found the first outlet for my unique tastes in my late teens (my girlfriend suggested I tie her up and “have my way” with her) that I took the “Dominant” role. And, I enjoyed it. Having a willing “victim” to ravage was everything I’d imagined it to be. I was quick to understand the responsibility that came with that privilege as well. Entering into the “public” realm of practicing BDSM groups reinforced and enhanced my understanding with concepts like “SSC,” safety techniques, and detailed communication.
It wasn’t long, however, before I asked that she reverse the roles and treat me to some bondage and pain. She reluctantly agreed, and I can say that I understood right away that masochism and being restrained held a far different satisfaction for me that easily rivaled what I got from my sadistic endeavors. I tried to be careful, however, not to push too far because my girlfriend (who later became my wife) was clearly not an enthusiastic sadist. Looking back now, I realize she wasn’t really a sadist at all. Unfortunately, as cautious as I was, I was not always successful in not pushing too far for her – and it did cause some waves in the marriage. We divorced after several years. Not because of the kinky stuff, but due to other factors in daily life.
I spent several years switching. But, it was always with someone who was either primarily a submissive or a switch. And, honestly, I never really “submitted” to anyone. I “bottomed” as a masochist. I still enjoyed topping, and primarily lived that role. A good friend once told me that, having watched me in several scenes and in both roles, that I was the only person she knew whom she would call a “true” switch. She said that it was obvious that I was equally passionate, regardless of which role I was in.
It wasn’t until much later, when I first played with a good friend who was strictly a Domme, that I found something “deeper.” I can honestly say I was nervous going in, because I had convinced myself over the years that I was not a submissive. I enjoyed bottoming and masochism, but the one thing that frightened me the most was letting go of all control, and fully giving into someone else’s desires, with no expectations of what I would get out of the venture. I describe this experience in great detail in my book. But, for brevity here, let me just say that entering into the situation I feared the most is exactly where the magic happened for me.
Yes, we negotiated first. We talked extensively. She had me clearly define my limits, my fantasies, and my fears. Then, once the time and place was set, she made perfectly clear to me that – although she was going to respect my limits and keep me safe – I was going to be there to serve her needs. Any rewards or pleasure I would receive would be fully within her discretion.
Sex and orgasm were off the table. This would be a 100% service, submission, and pain experience for me. When the appointed evening began, I was scared, excited, and determined all at the same time. Once the evening was over and I was curled up at her feet, massaging her calves and marveling at the new universe my head was floating around in – I realized I’d found that utopia I’d daydreamed about so many years ago as a young, innocent, untouched soul. After a few more experiences like that, I realized that surrender and loss of control is what I wanted – and I wanted to experience it as deeply as possible.
After a few years of doing this on a strictly platonic level with sadistic Domme friends, I met Mistress Oasis. It was she that introduced a new ingredient to the mix – love and adoration. I can now say I’m officially addicted. I’m in love with her. I love serving her. I love showing her my appreciation in as many ways as I can each day. But, for me, nothing quite compares to the all-enveloping experience of being bound, stripped of all defenses and rights of protest (except for a safe-word), and hurt … all the time knowing that behind the maniacal, deviant smile of my sadistic tormentor lies a heart that melts a little more with every mark she makes, and every squirming moan she draws out of me.
Yeah, I was a good Top, and a good switch. But, it was in letting go and submitting that I finally found my true fulfillment. I haven’t topped in years and, to be quite honest, I’ve never been happier.
Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)
Submissive males, here’s some advice that could prove invaluable to you:
Set aside your overbearing desire for sex – and you just might wind up having better sexual experiences that you’ve ever dared dream of.
In my book, ENERGY and BDSM, I discuss energy between BDSM practitioners, how to become more aware of your own energy, and ways to enhance that energy connection between partners in a BDSM environment. Since my start in the 90’s I’ve spent many years performing scenes at clubs and dungeons that had “No Penetration” and “No Bodily Fluids” rules, so early on I got to learn to appreciate the joy and intensity of an S/M scene without expectations of sex or orgasm – and I started out as a Top! Whenever I was not partnered in life with someone, I had a lot more play without sex than I would actually have sex itself. I always chased the “head high” of the experience, along with the energy connection with the person I was playing with at any given moment.
That’s not to say that I’m “a-sexual” or not very sexually driven or what-not. Hell, I LOVE sex. And I love orgasms. But I knew how to shelve that and enjoy a scene with a beautiful naked woman in front of me without constantly being focused on her or my genital or desire to get laid. That in itself had payoffs, as I gained a reputation as “that guy” who club managers and dungeon owners would recommend to any new ladies who might be there on their first visit and want to experiment, but didn’t know how or – more importantly – with whom to play. Being known as a Top who didn’t take himself too seriously, would stay well within limits, and never tried to take advantage of a sub or bottom gave me even more play opportunities.
I’ve always preached that “This is not just sex.” I used to get so disgusted at people who couldn’t get past the naked imagery and the raw arousal quality of what we kinksters do. But, as I’m older, I realize that for some that’s as deep as BDSM or D/s will ever go and there is no interest in seeing anything more in it. They’re not “bad.” They just aren’t interested in experiencing anything deeper than an orgasm.
However, for you guys who identify for real as one who gains his happiness when making someone else happy, one of the first things you must learn is to regulate the flames of sexual desire for the purpose of attaining a place within your higher calling. I didn’t say give up on sex, or totally deny yourself sex. I said REGULATE. The Dommmes I’ve known far prefer to control a man who is already in control of himself.
It is not a losing proposition. Let me tell you what you stand to gain. Having those above-stated qualities can attract some very strong, sophisticated, and caring women to you. Turning your focus from sex to simply pleasing a woman without expectations can lead to very meaningful relationships. this can lead to falling in love. I’m here to tell you that sex with a strong, intelligent, dominant and caring woman that you are madly and helplessly in love with is an experience like no other. Your wildest visually oriented sex fantasies come nowhere close to what is felt when there is a heart connection.
I am desperately in love with my incredible Mistress, who also loves me. That alone makes the service better. It makes the naked vulnerability better. It makes the pain better. And when she orders me to “Get on that bed!” – what follows is a body, mind and HEART experience that has been known to almost render me unconscious at times.
Guys – it all begins with focusing on her.
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