If you wanted to put girls in ball-gags, you could have just asked!! The Kinkiest Scientific Study Ever? Neuro-BDSM “…the rationale for the experiment was that the ball gag might inhibit the brain’s empathetic response to suffering by preventing facial muscle movements.” (Riiiight….)
Hey!! The “nillas” are discussing consent!! What bdsm can teach us all about consent “A skilled Mistress uses her slaves’ sexual and emotional desire to control them and cement that control of their psyche.”
There was a time, not long ago, when getting involved in the BDSM community meant learning a certain minimum amount of protocols – depending on the group you hung out with, and maintaining a certain level of secrecy. Being “let in” was something special. It was more than just “Yippee! I found a bunch of kinky people like me.” It was more than finally being accepted for who you are by a number of people. It was special because this group of people chose to trust you, and to embrace you as not only kinky, but trustworthy enough to join them in their secret places and their secret rituals. (Play and socializing was more ritualized back then.)
It’s not like that anymore. It’s pretty much a free-for-all now. All anyone needs in order to “join” now is a computer. Everyone gets in – whether they ever show up in person or not. Bondage, leather, sadomasochism are now splashed all over mainstream entertainment. More and more it’s viewed as just another way of having sex. “Kinky sex” it gets called. I don’t know about you, but to me that’s insulting. Sadomasochism and power exchange permeate far more of my existence than getting my rocks off. There were thoughts and images of bondage and sadism swirling around in my head long before I was old enough for my cock to get hard. There are others like me, for whom all of this is more than sex.
Some see this free-for-all as a positive thing. After all, now that basically anyone can celebrate being “kinky” purely by virtue of enjoying sex in some manner other than heterosexual, missionary position intercourse, there is no real investment in claiming to belong to a “kinky” community. And now, lots of hangers-on are doing so just because of they think it makes them cool, or “edgy.” But honestly, what discipline does it take to play dress-up?
Additionally, a lot of folks nowadays try more and more to display their “kink” in the public eye. There seem to be many more people who somehow think there is some benefit to “coming out” and showing off their sexual quirks to the rest of the world. However, what I see is simply a competition between a bunch of people to see who can look and act the most outrageous in front of vanillas. And as years go by, these displays degrade more and more to the point that they look like little more than drunken frat-party stunts designed only to shock people and get a bunch of laughs.
This is creating a backlash on multiple levels. Take, for instance, the recent rash of sexual assault complaints in which the accused men (quite often, politically powerful men) try to excuse their violent behavior by claiming that the incidents were consensual BDSM encounters. Some examples include a tech executive who choked and beat a woman, leaving her face and neck bruised . Then there is an Alaska state Representative who allegedly got drunk with a woman, brought her back to his hotel room, and slapped her so hard he ruptured her eardrum. Apparently, she consented to being slapped, but he didn’t stop when she told him he was being too rough. Then there is the sleaze-bag New York attorney general who is accused of assaulting FOUR women without their consent. He claims that he was “engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity,” within “the privacy of intimate relationships.” Suuurre!!
My God! It wasn’t all that long ago that no rich powerful man would dare to publicly claim to the world that they were “kinky.” They’d rather accept the “abuser” label. But now that everyone worships “50 Shades” and assumes that everyone else is into BDSM, you would think that it’s open season on women. But when a woman goes to the police – well then, claiming “BDSM” seems to be an easy out for these shitheads. If these had been consensual BDSM encounters, the police would not have become involved – simply because in a consensual BDSM encounter, they would have STOPPED once the woman indicated that things were getting out of hand.
One of the things that made BDSM special, many years ago, was the fact than once you got into the lifestyle and community, you then walked a continuing path of learning, honing skills, bettering yourself and making the community itself a better place for those who enter in the future. I don’t see that so much anymore. Especially online, it seems to be more of a popularity contest over who gets more “loves” on their photos. It also seems to be a contest of who knows the most about this or that, with an attitude that all these pesky new people asking stupid questions need to go away. Of course, there are still plenty of people, like me, trying to help people learn and find their place within this lifestyle. There always will be. But there are fewer of us now, I believe.
I don’t think “pride” movements help us much, either. I understand that the original “Gay Pride” movement from the 70’s helped end a lot of serious discrimination an violence toward homosexuals. But, the original goal has been reached. It is illegal to discriminate based on sexual orientation, and there are enhanced penalties for hate crimes now. However, nowadays, it seems everyone has a “pride” flag and demands that everyone else respect their “pride.”
I’m not “proud” to be kinky. I just AM kinky and I’m not ashamed of who I am. I don’t march in parades or attend rallies. What I do in my bedroom or dungeon is my business. The “pride” movements seem to have devolved into an excuse to run out into the streets and be “in the face” of vanillas. I can’t think of anything we are accomplishing by dressing up in our fetish clothes and dancing around in the streets. You can disagree with me, (and NO, I don’t hate anyone), but I don’t believe that we are changing any minds by coming out and acting like clowns for the cameras. I think it’s high time that WE show the vanillas some respect and not deliberately seek to shock and offend them. I’m perfectly content practicing my alternative lifestyle out of sight, in private, and amongst my own kind. If vanillas want to see what I do, they can come underground and find me.
The very popular and not-even-close to realistic “50 Shades of Grey” has done a lot to bring in people who not only don’t understand what BDSM is about, but worse, THINK they know everything about it. I knew our lifestyle was in trouble a few years ago when I started seeing more and more guys showing up in our clubs and events in business suits they had clearly cobbled together from the thrift store. This phenomenon is so prevalent, that “Twitter Dom” is and actual term. Look it up on Urban Dictionary. Some women tend to get a skewed idea that the perfect Dominant is rich and powerful and that when you find him, you just submit to what he wants and he takes care of the rest. It reminds me a lot of the “World of Gor” subculture that has permeated the lifestyle for years. That’s not real BDSM. Real BDSM is consent, and communication. It’s learning skills and practicing them. It’s caring for a sub deeply, not seeing them as simply an object to use for one’s shallow desires.
Unfortunately, bringing BDSM into the mainstream world results in a lot of people simply imitating their favorite books, or playing dress-up to the point that BDSM events become more like a “comic con.” Hell, I’ve even seen kids leading each other around in public on leashes. WTF?? Why actually show up to a munch and learn anything when you can just put on a “pleather” dress and a silly wig and walk around watching the freaks? Maybe I’m just being an old fuddy-duddy, but it seems like nobody has to take any risk to be “kinky” anymore. It used to be that walking into a munch was taking a big step in your life. By the time you actually showed up to a play party, you had already invested time and energy into exploring this lifestyle. It really meant something.
I’ve never felt cheated by being “in the closet” with my lifestyle. I don’t need the approval or the adoration of vanillas. And I don’t need to force them to see what I do. I guess I mainly wonder if we still honestly feel like we have something special. Or are we just one more sex position? I agree that we always need new people, and we should be a friendly and inviting place for them. But I’ve always felt that this thing is spiritual – magical even. And it’s not for everyone. I know there’s no putting this genie back in the bottle. But I believe we are at risk of becoming a fad – like disco – rather than the deep and rewarding path that I’ve known for all these years.
Your life is a mess, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’ve just never been able to relate well with people. Perhaps someone you loved fucked you over. Perhaps someone way back in your past hurt you, and you cannot go a day without something reminding you of what happened – and the fact that you didn’t deserve it. Maybe your spouse can’t (or won’t) accept or try to understand your deep, unyielding need for an exchange of power and control in your relationship.
You’ve been clicking all over the Internet – looking at the kinky pictures, reading the kinky stories, hearing the accounts of how magical BDSM is. People write endless renditions of how their lives suddenly became enriched after finally stepping into the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant/submissive or Sadist/masochist relationships open people’s hearts and emotions to depths they’ve never experienced before.
So, you start to believe that finding a kinky partner will fix everything. It will make you whole again. It will cure your depression. It will remove (or justify) the hurt you feel inside. It’s the answer you’ve been looking for, right?
It’s time for someone to shake you, and give you a dose of reality.
This lifestyle does not cure depression. This lifestyle does not turn an irresponsible person into a responsible person. It does not cure PTSD. It does not cure alcoholism, drug addiction, or stupidity. It won’t wipe away a history of child abuse or sexual abuse. It’s merely an alternative to a vanilla existence.
It is human nature to seek things that make us happy and normalize our lives. I know that BDSM and “normal” are not terms usually used in the same context. But, the very things that get branded as “kinky” are very normal for someone with a deeply embedded need for masochism, sadism, dominance or submission. For me, submitting to Mistress Oasis is normal, not “kinky.” For Mistress Oasis, hurting me to say “I love you” is normal.
In my book, FemDom Dating, I devote a chapter to self-reflection prior to just jumping into the scene and BDSM relationships. One piece of advice I give is to take care of your emotional baggage before seeking and dating potential partners.
In the BDSM world, we manipulate brain chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. Each of these can have a profound effect on a person’s emotions. However, depending on the types of activities you engage in, your brain may experience a spike in all four of these. If you already struggle with feelings of depression, inadequacy, abandonment, loss, victim-hood, or a myriad of other complex emotions, there is no telling what a cocktail of mind altering chemicals may result in.
I know personally the roller coaster of emotions that is possible during masochistic play. I’ve felt myself go through euphoria, anger, frustration, passion, fear, resignation, panic, and vulnerability. Often, I go through several of these emotions during the course of a scene. But, that’s what I’m after – a dance along a cliff where I tempt and flirt with all of these feelings, while knowing in the back of my mind that no real physical harm is going to come to me. But occasionally, the emotional ride has been too intense for me and I had to stop scenes because of panic or loss of coherent thought. And, I have my mind right. If you have a whirlwind of stressful emotions spinning in your head in your vanilla life, unleashing vast amounts of these chemicals into your brain could intensify your negative feelings.
The potential for trouble doesn’t disappear when the scene is over. At some point those chemicals wear off. Your brain can actually go through a withdrawal stage as it adjusts to the lower levels of these substances. “Sub Drop” is a term used to describe a submissive experiencing negative physical and emotional effects when these chemical levels start dropping in the brain. I myself have experienced depression, lethargy, headaches, even hangover-type feelings a day or two after a really good scene. However, I know what it is when I experience it and Mistress Oasis stays close to me, reassuring me as I deal with the negative feelings, and wait for them to pass. It can sometimes be a full day or two.
Play is not the only place where our minds walk a tightrope. The relationship dynamics within the BDSM world are complex. BDSM relationships tend to be far more intense than what you find in the vanilla world. We communicate on a deeper level, exposing vulnerable and sensitive things about ourselves. That’s how we are able to interact the way we do, whether it’s service oriented, sexual, or sado-masochistic. We have to open our hearts and our innermost hidden places to each other to achieve the experiences we crave. If you’re struggling with a bunch of emotional crap that you cannot deal with, having someone toying around with your psychological “goo” like it was Jell-o is asking for trouble sooner or later.
This aspect of the BDSM lifestyle doesn’t just apply to submissives. Dominants need to have their heads screwed on right as well. Some of them don’t. Above all other things, a submissive wants to trust their dominant. A sub needs to know that their dom is looking out for their well-being. We subs who are also flying masochists depend on our dominant to be cognizant of our responses, our safety, and our emotional status during our play. We need to trust that they will do this so we can “let go,” and drift away into an alternative consciousness.
The deeper a relationship goes, the more a sub gives of him or herself. Being able to depend on a dom being stable and predictable within the relationship allows the submissive to lower more walls, and become more open to the dom. This becomes harder if the dom exhibits unpredictable or irrational reactions to life’s little “situations.”
People with very low self-esteem tend to drag those around them down as well. Insecure people often display possessiveness and suspicion toward a partner. Trying to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is usually a crutch, and tends to create an atmosphere of comparing the new partner to the old. And, even if the new partner passes the scrutiny with flying colors, no one enjoys hearing the constant re-telling of tales about things the old partner did to hurt you.
As wild as our lifestyle may seem from the outside, it actually requires a level head to make it work and grow long term. It can be the answer to all your prayers if you’ve had to suppress it most of your life. However, it doesn’t cure crazy. Get your emotional house in order before jumping into this game. It makes this lifestyle easier for everyone involved.
I’M SO EXCITED!!!! The manuscript is done. The cover is done. We’ve sent the files to the printer. Very soon, “FemDom Dating” will be on the market!!!!
Why I wrote “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”
The scene is all too familiar: A woman with a profile on either a BDSM online dating site or social site reads aloud a message sent to her from some unknown man, which was clearly a very poor attempt to win her attention, and some sort of positive reply. The person she’s reading it to rolls their eyes, laughs, and responds with something like, “Oh my God, what a schmuck!” or “What an asshole! What makes guys think it’s alright to say that to someone he doesn’t even know?”
I’ve heard and read thousands of these from girlfriends, friends, and casual play Dommes. Even my ex-wife (when we were married) would show me the ridiculous things men would write in an attempt to say just the right thing that will raise her eyebrow, make her read it once again, and send a response that basically says, “Tell me more.”
Heck, I STILL get to see them regularly from Mistress Oasis.
It’s easy to blow these men off as jerks, assholes, or desperate idiot wankers who are just constantly thinking with their dicks. And many of them are.
But, over the years, I’ve been watching the FemDom chat rooms and group pages. Lots of submissive men post genuine comments and questions, trying to figure out where they are going wrong. Sure, many of them seem virtually clueless – “I’ve had my profile up for three weeks and sent a hundred PMs out, and no Dommes will respond to me.”
However, I’ve seen others post very sincere questions, simply trying to find out what makes Dommes tick so that they can improve their “skillset” at attracting a Domme’s interest. And, more times than not, these men are criticized, belittled, or answered with terse comments that basically don’t help or show any level of empathy. I guess that’s what chewed away at me the most – seeing the lack of empathy toward these guys…assuming that they are just dumb, or too lazy to “learn,” or perhaps not really even a submissive. I see this happening even in the “101” or “newbies” groups. Few people want to remember that they, too, were once very new, and confused as to how all of this works.
The BDSM world has become much more complex than it was when I first started to interact with other kinksters. And, the sexual marketing that we are bombarded with at every click of a mouse can easily make it appear that it is okay to simply pick a profile and send a message like “Hi. I’m a submissive. I like to do X, Y, and Z and I want you to do this, that, and that to me.”
In my book, I talk directly to the reader. I’m honest but not critical. I explain things from a male point of view. I don’t just demand that you stop thinking with your pecker. I explain why it’s important to stop thinking with your pecker. I’m a guy, I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t criticize you for thinking the way a guy thinks at a primal level. I explain the differences between online imagery and BDSM reality. At the same time, I explain how to evolve into what Dommes are looking for – from my own experiences, and those of others.
I’ve been “kinky” all my life. I’ve been in several committed BDSM relationships. I’ve been involved with many other women in “casual” BDSM play relationships over the past 30 years. I’ve hosted events that brought me in contact with hundreds of fellow kinksters. I’ve been Mistress Oasis’ sub for several years now. Imagine sitting down, having a beer with me, and asking me anything you wanted – and getting honest, non-judgmental answers from me. What worked? What didn’t work? What have I learned through it all? What would I repeat? What would I never, ever try again?
That’s how I wrote this book: with honesty, sincerity, and with respect for where you are right at this moment. Additionally, I explain things using a business analogy.
See yourself as a product. What do you need to do to make yourself the best product you can possibly be? In what areas of your life do you need to improve?
Market yourself. How to tell Dommes, “Look at me!!” – without sounding like a degenerate sitting at his computer with his pants around his ankles.
Close deals. How and when do you ask for a meeting? How do you act on a date with a Domme? How do you negotiate play, relationship, and other important considerations?
My goal is to help you become more of what Dommes are looking for. Simultaneously, I hope this book will improve the field of candidates that Dominant women face, and lessen the frustration they experience from sorting through page after page of insulting messages and approaches.
I wrote this book from the heart, with the intent on helping more people find the happiness they have been seeking. It’s my hope that this book will help submissive men who haven’t been able to attract a Domme, learn from others’ and their own mistakes, and to ultimately experience the connection and joy that Mistress Oasis and I have experienced over the years.
Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)
One thing that stands out in many online comments and messages offered by men claiming to be submissive is a lack of understanding of one major reality – Dommes are human beings.
A frightening number of “subs” hold a mystical, even surreal view of what Dominant women are really like. Additionally, they seem to hold very unrealistic ideals of what submitting to such a woman would entail.
It would seem that most of these men enter the online arena with a preconceived mental image of Dommes as being perfectly shaped, perfectly groomed, leather-clad vixens who are constantly on the prowl for the next horny sub to come into their lair to be stripped and “punished.” (Of course the “punishments” always consist of the sub’s favorite fantasy activities.) In these men’s minds, Dommes are always ready for the next scene, always expecting “proper” protocol and demeanor from subs, and always have a whip in hand, just in case.
The reality is that Dominant women, when you meet them, don’t outwardly appear any different than every other woman you’ve ever met. This is so important for you to remember if you are a single submissive male trying to meet Dominant women online. These women, Dominant as they may be, have no desire to play the “Mistress/slave” game until they have gotten to know a sub – very, very well.
Dominant women come in all shapes and sizes, and all types of personalities. They have good days and bad days. They have jobs, car payments, children, family issues, health issues, rent, and morning breath – just like everyone else in the world.
If you keep this in mind, you’ll realize just how silly it is to “approach” these women online with stereotypical “submissive” grovelling, overly wordy proclamations of your submissiveness and desires, and dramatic terms of endearment like “Goddess” or “Mistress.”
Reality of D/s Relationships
In the same context, men also jump online with a skewed view of what it’s actually like to be in a Female led relationship.
I won’t lie to you. In my relationship as Mistress Oasis’ submissive, I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I never experienced in any vanilla relationship. Even in my relationships as a Top and a switch, I never came close to the overall jubilance I experience as a collared sub.
But, it’s not all nudity, bondage, whippings, and CBT. In fact, there’s not nearly as much of that as outsiders may think. We have a business and we work – hard. We have a home to keep up with. I have family, she has family. Life issues come up. Money issues come up. Health issues come up. Most of the time, we operate more as partners than we do as Mistress and slave.
I’m strong willed and outspoken. So is she. Often, we have to work things out as equals. I know there are some relationships in which “Her” word is always the last on any given subject. But, our relationship is a little more balanced. It doesn’t make me a “bad” sub or her a bad Domme. It’s just what works for us.
What kind of D/s relationship will work for you is something that will take time, effort, and communication with the Domme who lets you in someday. And, it won’t be 24/7 of her “commanding” you, and you obeying. It just doesn’t work like that.
Understanding these realities, and keeping them in mind as you craft your messages and ask questions on group forums, will help you stand above the ocean of creeps, wankers, perverts, and losers calling themselves “submissives,” and will demonstrate to Dommes that you truly have submission in your heart.
Yes, your perfect Domme is out there. But, you’ll probably be surprised at how little she resembles your “fantasy Dominatrix.”
Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)
Are you a submissive guy (or any other, for that matter) trying to find your perfect kinky partner? Are you bombing out consistently on FetLife?
Here’s a suggestion: Stop treating FetLife like a dating site.
One of the tips I repeat several times in my new book, “FemDom Dating,” is to remember that FetLife is a social site (like Facebook). It’s NOT a dating site (like AdultFriendFinder).
Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a scolding (like you are apt to receive inside any number of FetLife’s discussion forums). I totally get the fact that, as guys, we see profiles of hot women that include photos. Some of those photos are downright “wankable” in their arousal factor. Then, these women go on to add vivid descriptions of their kinky likes and interests. Some even state that they are seeking others to play with and/or build relationships with. Our primitive male hunter instincts say “CHARGE!!!”
Oh yes, there is a hunting caveman deep inside each and every one of us! So, we go after our prey, in the form of private messages. Most often, these take the form of either thinly veiled attempts at appearing casual: “Hi, I really like your photos. I’m a submissive male who likes (fill in the blank). Would you like to chat?”
Or, some go right for the jugular: “Wow! You’re really HOT. I love your tits! Can I be your slave?”
If you are engaging in such communications, I’m going to bet that you are bombing out most times. That’s because, despite what their pictures show, and what their words say, most women (especially the Dommes) are not on FetLife seeking their next date. It’s a social site. They are basically just expressing themselves. Simply going in for the kill is not going to work for you 99 times out of 100.
Now, I’m not saying you should never use FetLife to try to establish a relationship with someone who may become your forever Domme. But, you need to change your thinking. If you are sincerely looking for a Domme to serve, and you are not just seeking wank fodder – here are some tips that can help you get where you want to be in the FemDom world.
1) Get off the computer: If you aren’t involved in a nearby real life BDSM community, then it’s time to start. Attend munches, classes, discussion groups – whatever you can. If you don’t have events near you, make one of your own. I teach you how to do this in my book, FemDom Dating. Your chances of meeting a real, and available Domme will increase exponentially if you actually appear in person.
2) Don’t get tunnel vision: If you are going to use FetLife, think of it only as one “tool” in an overall networking strategy – not an online dating venue. Think long term and think broadly. Don’t contact a Domme with the idea that you are going to “get” that Domme. Instead, reach out to her with the idea of making just one more friend. That friend can lead to any number of possibilities – an intro to someone who is more compatable (or available), a contact at an event that you may not have known about, advice that can help you better yourself and your marketability as an available submissive, or maybe…just maybe, a relationship with this Domme herself. But, don’t start out with that as your one goal.
3) Friends – not strangers – become play partners … and more: Here is a fact from my kinky life. I’ve played with 34 women that I can specifically remember, and list, as well as others. Two were wives and six were long term girlfriends. All the rest were “casual” play. Every single one of them began as a FRIEND. Re-assess your goals in the BDSM world. Are your actions constantly dictated by a desire to simply engage in the physical aspects of BDSM? I know that the “hookup” culture today is very trendy. But this is BDSM – not fucking in a back alley. Far more communication, understanding, and TRUST is needed to play our games. Focus your efforts on making real friends with Dommes (and everyone else you can) without expectations of any particular friendship becoming something “more.” You will be amazed how much more receptive a real life friend who knows you as a good man will be to helping you fulfill your needs than some random “hot” woman you message online.
In my new book, I explain these and many other aspects of dating as a submissive male to help you become more marketable, more confident, and more successful in fulfilling your submissive needs in the BDSM world.
Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)
This lifestyle is not easy. Being a submissive is not easy. Being a Dominant is not easy. Incorporating this stuff into general life is not easy. I believe the fact that Mistress Oasis and I (and thousands of others around the globe) go through the rigors and challenges required to be able to incorporate this lifestyle into our daily lives is a testament to how powerful a thing this lifestyle truly is, once you let it become more than just a really intense way to have sex.
In “ENERGY and BDSM,” I give the reader a peek into our lives. However, there are things I don’t discuss. Quite simply, Mistress Oasis and I do not wish for every detail of our lives to be on display. Everybody prefers to have some level of privacy in their lives.
However, here’s a little more of what’s behind the curtain:
Although we are two consenting adults, and are in a better position than many out there to follow our hearts and live this lifestyle to the hilt, the reality is that there are still limitations and hurdles. Since we run a business in the vanilla world, there are demands on our time and resources. As much as we do infuse our dynamic into our daily lives to the extent possible, we simply are not free to be entirely “us” 100% of the time.
As a submissive, I cannot act or speak naturally at all times. I have a strong personality – I’m a fixer, a trouble shooter, a straight talker. I’m constantly at battle with myself not to be overbearing in my speech or action because I want and need to be in a place that is subservient to her. However, I’m trusted to be decisive and bold in my responsibilities to the business. For efficiency’s sake, there is scant room for me to have to ask permission for each decision I make. When focused and intent, my words can sometimes be quick and sharp. I try to balance that part of me with the man in me who is most at peace when kneeling at her feet. But, having been a survivor in the real world for so long, it’s a challenge to soften that edge of my personality. It simply comes too naturally.
Mistress Oasis is strong and bold – caring little of what others say or think about what she does or says. Many a fool in her past made the dire mistake of telling her that she wouldn’t amount to anything. They only succeeded in lighting a fire in her that still burns today. If they really wanted to accomplish destroying her will, perhaps they should have kept repeating, “You’re a wonderful person and everyone loves you just the way you are…” But, they didn’t tell her that. So, she set about hammering her mark into the world and her success has far surpassed that of all her nay-sayers.
I love her because she beat back all of her detractors simply by putting the pedal down and moving full speed ahead. But, she’s not a stone. She has a heart that never seems to run out of space for those she cares for. She’s one of those who has taken in a lot of strays. Not animals – people. While I’m a “fixer,” she is a “healer.” She wants to heal those who seem to have been cast aside by the world. (Maybe there is something in that heart that wants to heal all the people who have heard too many of the same things she was told for so long.) I’m in love with this part of her, too.
Being a Dominant is no easier than being a submissive. I know that she is constantly balancing a desire to completely control me with an equally strong desire not to hurt me or make me feel unloved. It is that real concern for me and my wellness that draws me in deeper. Some may say that she isn’t “dominant enough” because she cares too much about my happiness. There are too many out there saying, “It’s all about me. You serve my interests and yours don’t matter.” I know that’s a nice fantasy but it would be a very empty life, I think – unless one was a pathological narcissist. Yeah…dream on, Ye frosty Queens of the ice regions!
It’s that balance we try to keep that makes this hard. So much easier our lives would be if we simply made this something that we do for a great fuck! However, that’s not who we are. These “roles” come to us too naturally. And, too often we have to “shelve” our real selves because life requires that we attend to it.
I’m quick to point out to people that it’s impossible to be in our BDSM mindset 24/7, no matter what anyone claims to have. I’m also the first to regret that reality. Perhaps that’s why the Gor books were so popular. I read a couple of them out of curiosity, but have always been skeptical of those who try with all of their might to emulate a work of fiction in their own lives. But, I see where such a world in which naked slaves are led through the streets, used, and sold at a whim can be so very intriguing – maybe even to a point of obsession.
The reality is that incorporating D/s and sadomasochism regularly into our lives takes work, and balance. It takes understanding and empathy. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen all by itself. But, I know that this is who I am. I love the one who holds my key and I’ll be happy with however much of this I can get.