Will the Internet Destroy Traditional BDSM?

Without doubt, FetLife has become the virtual hub for all things kink. But, it does not stand alone. The Internet is absolutely chock full of information, images, thoughts, blogs, stories, and opinions of bondage, leather, fetish dominance, submission, etc., etc… Never before have so many variations of human behavior been crammed into one big tent. And, never before has so much “information” been readily available at one’s fingertips.

How did anyone do this stuff before there was an Internet to show us all how, where, and with whom??

When I came into the BDSM community, the Internet was still in its infancy. Interaction between kinksters was basically limited to emails, chat rooms, and private messages within IRC servers. Images were still too large, and connections still too slow to have profiles with a bunch of pictures on them. In fact, “social media” wasn’t even a thing yet.

Back then, two things were very different than they are now. Firstly, most groups involved in BDSM and its practice emphasized D/s, S/M, and accompanying practices as a lifestyle, rather than simply another form of sex. Secondly, I cannot remember seeing anyone scolded back then for asking a question – no matter how many times it may have been asked and answered.

A Lifestyle – not a sex-style.
If you click around FetLife for any period of time, it’s easy to find plenty of profiles that really have nothing to do with leather, bondage, BDSM – or even fetish!! But they have everything to do with sex, dick pics, fuck photos, and beaver shots. Now, I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. Mistress Oasis and I have a very active, fun, and creative sex life. I love sex and orgasms. And, yes, even I have nude pics and dick pics on my profile, but all in the context of submission or CBT. The sex is a small part of who we are and what we do. That was the message promoted by kink-friendly groups of my day. Yes, we were all sexually active. But, sex was not what we were about.

I was born too late to have been involved in the “Old Guard” subset, with their rigid rules, protocols, and dress codes. However, the community, when I did enter it in the 90s, did have basic standards of behavior. We didn’t just run up to people we didn’t know, and request play or sexual favors. Nowadays, it’s nothing for people (mostly men) to message total strangers with declarations of what they want to do “for” them, or to them.

Back then, everyone kept their hands to themselves unless contact was agreed to – as safety, consent, and negotiation were the holy grails of the lifestyle. Today, I see WAY too much uninvited groping and boob/ass grabbing going on at play parties.

Some time ago, we went to a private party where a male Dom greeted Mistress Oasis and then promptly put his hand on one of her breasts, while commenting on how nice they looked. After a few choice words, we left and we haven’t ever gone back. Play parties used to be special events where special things were expected to be experienced. As such, we dressed the part. Leathers and evening attire were the norm. Now, you’re just as likely to see shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops at a play party. When I got my start, scenes were serene and artful, and emphasized the connection between the players. Sure, they could be sexy, sensual, or even brutal. But, they usually had an artistic or performance quality flare to them. Today, at just about any play party, at some point, we are almost certain to be treated to the old “forced orgasm” scene. It’s the lowest common denominator and anyone can do it. We overtly distinguished ourselves from swingers by not turning our play parties into sex shows. And, I’m not criticizing swingers – I was one for several years. They do their thing, which is much different than our thing.

Or, is it? It seems that – as more and more people are invited to come hang out in the kink realm (many of whom have ZERO interest in BDSM, D/s, kink OR fetish), the more it seems that BDSM is becoming just another way to fuck. There was a time when we were very enigmatic. There was a mystique about us leather-folk. Nowadays, if you click on someone’s profile who call themselves a “sub” or “slave” you’re just as likely to find a hundred photos of that one person posing naked or masturbating as you are to find somebody actually celebrating submission or slavery. Wanting everyone to see you naked and getting off makes you an exhibitionist – and that’s fine. We leather types have never judged. But, it does not make you “submissive” or a “slave.” However, I digress.

It just seems to me that those who practice a loving power exchange are being seen as no different than those who just want to fuck…or act like an animal and fuck…or act like a child and fuck…or dress up like the opposite gender and fuck. And again, I hold no judgment against anyone who wants to fuck in any one of 10,000 ways. But, those of us who practice protocols and power exchange are indeed different and unique. I would hate to see us lose our identity completely.

Stuck on “Stickies”
I like to check out posts in the various groups I belong to. I’m noticing a serious lack of patience toward anyone asking a question anymore. You almost cannot read through a discussion thread without someone blathering on about “Stickies” (basically tagged posts at the top of the page for easy reference).

You should go look in the stickies. This topic has been addressed several times already.”

Oh yeah? No shit? Tell me when was the last time that someone posted a question in one of these threads that HASN’T been answered at some point in the past?

Question – how did you feel when you were a kid and you asked your parents something, and their answer was “look it up?” Or, today when you ask about something, and someone tells you “Google It.” Is that what the BDSM community is now here for – to tell everybody else to go look somewhere else for their answers?

Years ago, we, too, had a constant parade of new and inexperienced people logging into the chat rooms, and showing up at the BDSM discussion meetings. No, not the thousands every day like we have now on FetLife. But back then, just like today, there were things that simply got asked over and over. We had “stickies” back then, too. They were called “books.” Books like “BDSM 101,” “Screw the Roses – Send Me the Thorns,” “The Loving Dominant,” “The Topping Book,” and “The Bottoming Book,” as well as others. And, we recommended them to newcomers enthusiastically.

What we didn’t say was, “Hey! You need to go buy “BDSM 101” because the answer to your question is in there and you are simply annoying me with your question. And, we certainly didn’t tell people that their question was pointless, or without purpose, or dumb – which is something else I notice a lot of today.

Wasn’t the Internet supposed to make it easier for us to share information and knowledge? What’s happened? What’s the point of a discussion group if we don’t want to “discuss” anything, and instead keep pointing people to the virtual public library? And, how ridiculous is it that people, who have nothing else going on in their lives, sit on FetLife and take the time to post on a discussion thread to scold someone else for asking a question and wasting their time?? If you’re on FetLife, it’s a pretty good indicator that you’ve got some time to spare!

I see a lot of posts by younger people about how mean we “older” people are here on FL. Call them wimps and whiners if you like, but I can see their point. FetLife says “Come one! Come all! Come hang out here where all kinky people are safe and welcome!!” And then, the minute these new people ask a question, they are told how stupid they are.

What’s the future of BDSM? Who defines us?
The Internet?
The porn industry?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve invested a lot of time, effort, money and feelings into my D/s and S/M life. Mistress Oasis and I haven’t gone to a lifestyle event in a long time because of the direction things are going in. I wonder if, in 20 more years, BDSM will have any resemblance to its origins.

Or will it be recognized at all?

Dragos is a 24/7 owned and collared slave who has been in the BDSM lifestyle for 30 years. He began as a Dominant, later experimented with switching as a bottom. After some pivotal experiences in masochistic and service oriented submission, he finally became exclusively submissive. He now faithfully serves his beloved Domme, Mistress Oasis.  He is the author of “Energy and BDSM – Exploration of a Deeper Experience” and is currently working on his second book – a dating guide for submissive single men. 

Find my books at Amazon.com (Click on the images to go to the book page)

More KINK in the news…



In politics, there is “mud-slinging” – and then…well, I don’t even know what to call this.
Politician sends kinky pic of himself to rival on Facebook
“Labor candidate Strode replied that she was “too boring” to have any skeletons in the closet. It prompted Stone to send her the kinky picture appearing to show him taking part in erotic roleplay with an unidentified female.”

Add this one to your “BUCKET LIST!!”
Flamefest: Man dies and woman found unconscious after kinky sex festival in Tunbridge Wells
“A man was found dead in a tent and a woman airlifted to hospital yesterday after attending an outdoor sex festival.”

Cannabis and Kink – they’re magically delicious!!
How the BDSM Community Integrates Cannabis Into Kink
“BDSM is a tool to alter your consciousness. It takes you to a different place, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Pot is just like that. You have to know how to use it, and you have to use it wisely. When used the right way, it’s great tool for play”

Like I needed to be told…
Are you a pervert? Yes, you probably are
“BDSM and other non-conventional sexual practices are more familiar than you may know. Research has shown that fetishes and BDSM-like practices are very common in the general population. Normal, everyday people commonly fantasize about BDSM-like experiences.”

“FIN-dom” fanatics… READ THIS!!
Dominatrix charged for extorting married man who tried to end their relationship
“I’ll tell everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life,” the FBI said she allegedly wrote in one message. “I’ll tell the entire state of Michigan. It’s on.”


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Has the old “New Generation” become the new “Old Guard?”

Have we, the “experienced” kinksters become too intolerant of the new “up and comers?”

When I first started really digging into the BDSM lifestyle in the 90’s, I remember first hearing about “Old Guard” leatherfolk who – although not bad people – were very resistant to new and daring ideas. The ideas such as “earning your leathers,” dress codes in the play scene, “flagging” codes were pretty much set in stone as far as the “Old Guard” was concerned. The idea of a twenty-two year old coming into lifestyle with zero past experience and calling himself “Master” was frowned upon by Old Guard. Switches didn’t exist in “Old Guard” circles. You were Dominant, or you were submissive – and you didn’t “switch” roles. You had to learn their ways – at least most of them – if you wanted to fit in.

These ideas were non-negotiable. And they were written too. Sure! There were resources one could go to and find the ideals of the Old Guard and learn them. (Although , from the 50s up until probably around the 80s, they were UNwritten, learned only from one leatherman to the next, once one was allowed “in.”) And learning these ideals was necessary if one wanted to be accepted in these circles.

One always asks the Dominant before addressing his submissive. One nevertouches a Dom’s toys (especially a whip – whips are sacred) without receiving permission first. Only the very experienced could wear hats. Boots were mandatory. Black leather and brown leather were never mixed. (Source – http://www.evilmonk.org/a/oldguard.cfm)

Back in the 90’s, as “new age” kinksters, we emulated some of these traditions – and sort of giggled at others. The tradition of a submissive never “owning” a collar but instead accepting a collar “owned” by the Dominant is one we still see in most BDSM circles. But the idea that I HAVE to wear boots when in the community hasn’t really survived, has it? We see lots of different footwear at parties – as well as other things that were “unthinkable” in the “Old Guard” days.

And now it’s 2017. I’m an old guy. My public play heydays are behind me. But I still love discussing the lifestyle and all of its aspects with old friends and new people. I don’t know about you, but I love being asked by new people about various ideas, terms, and activities, and getting a chance to share my knowledge and experience. Don’t you?

Well, from what I’ve seen, there are far too many people online who claim, (like I do) to be broadly experienced in the leather arts – but seem to have no interest in actually teaching anybody anything. Instead, they are all too quick to criticize new (and even not-so-new) people for even getting online and asking anything.

And here’s their fallback – “That’s already been answered over here: (fill in URL of a prior conversation or a writing, or a “sticky”).

So, my question is this: If all of the answers to these “dumb” questions have already been answered and are “written” somewhere – does that mean that all discussion should cease? Shall we close the discussion groups with a re-direct link to the “archives” that says “It Is Written…”?

So I ask – if we older folks are unwilling to actually hold a dialogue with the younger folks (and newer folks regardless of age) – have we become the new “Old Guard?” Will we exclude all who do not do BDSM “our way?” (Whatever way that is…) What have we become if our answers to the newer generation are “Go look it up,” and “Why are you asking THAT question … HERE?”

To clarify, I don’t see the “Old Guard” as bad. But they did apparently have a sort of “Our way or the highway” mantra.

I’m not wanting or expecting to “fix” a whole community. Hopefully I’ll wake a few people up who, in their hearts don’t want to be “exclusive” to people who are trying to find their way in this lifestyle that is way too mis-characterized in popular culture.

I’m a thinker and a writer, and I’m simply writing what I’m thinking. I honestly don’t need to learn anything else myself – I pretty much know exactly what I like, and I have someone who loves me and also likes what I like. So, I’ve got my comfy little corner to enjoy the rest of my life in. I also don’t need to teach anyone anything. I really have nothing to gain from it.

But I remember what it was like to not “know” things. I remember how good it felt to have people around me who were LIKE ME, and happy to answer my “dumb” questions and talk to me for as long as I needed to understand – rather than point to where my questions were “already answered.” I guess, as long as I can remember those things, I can’t turn others away. I guess that’s why I don’t like seeing others turn them away either.

To Be Continued…


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Light At The End

Mistress Oasis and I had another of our phenomenal, mind blowing “US” Wednesdays again yesterday. We basically blow off work, clients, responsibilities – and spend a whole day playing, loving, connecting. The depth, the intimacy, the love and connection all came together perfectly. And I’ve woken up still swimming in that amazing headspace that feels like a warm sphere of pure love is encasing me – separating me from the world and all its coldness.

As I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, my mind wandered back to our initial meeting. It was quite accidental in many ways, and almost didn’t happen because I was at a very low point in my BDSM journey. It was only by happenstance that I showed up at the same place she was one evening. But that happenstance changed my life.

Without a doubt, the “darkest” time in my BDSM journey was early on in my first marriage. I was 21 and a soldier serving stateside at the time. We had been dabbling regularly into bondage play and some light flogging and spanking. I almost always topped her, but with persuasion had succeeded in getting her to switch a few times. However, deep inside I knew I needed to experience more of the “receiving” side of things. I knew I wanted to feel more intense pain, feel a greater loss of control and a greater sense of being under her power and whim. However, that was simply not how she was wired.

One night it all came to a head. After days of having tried to coax her to tie me down to the bed again and do “those things” to me, she finally erupted and let me have it. She made quite clear that my very manhood was in question as far as she was concerned. These things I wanted disgusted her and basically she wondered what kind of “real man” would want those things from a woman.
I spent that night in our guest bedroom with the lights off and kneeling in a corner for several hours. I sat there on my knees, tears streaming down, praying to the God whom I was always taught loved me and wanted good things for me. I prayed and begged for him to rip this horrible and disgusting thing out of me that made me a horrible and disgusting person. I wondered why a loving God would put such a terrible flaw into his creation. I’ve never abandoned my faith in God – but he did not remove the thorn from my side that night, despite all of my anguish.

Fast forward another lifetime. I was more than double the age that I was when I sat there on my knees asking God to make me a good person worthy of love. I’d been through two divorces, two careers, two home ownerships, etc. I’d been actively involved in the leather community for the vast majority of my adult life. I’d been a switch for many years and later put down the whip altogether and fully embraced being a submissive.

I was well liked and had all of the “play partners” I could possibly want. I’m a fun masochist, so my requests for a good beating were rarely turned down. But those were hour-long events. When lucky, I was invited to spend a weekend serving a Domme. A weekend of domestic chores with some good, sadistic play mixed in. The energy was great, but these were all friendships. For an extended period, I’d served one Domme on a regular basis. She had convinced me that the trick to fulfillment in all of this was NOT to fall in love. Love complicated matters. Dominance, submission, protocol. If you couldn’t be content with that, there was something wrong with you as a submissive. After all, she was granting me the privilege of serving her and receiving her marks and bruises. What more could a submissive want?

After about a year, she ended my service abruptly with an email and no explanation.

The next 6 -8 months were spent attending munches and play parties. I reverted back to switching for awhile just to increase my play opportunities. I “dated” a Domme here, a Domme there. Either their personality or style wouldn’t match what I was looking for. I was getting all the playtime I could handle. I even had some fairly regular sexual partners. So, by “kinky” standards, my life was perfect.

But I was still unhappy. My kinky life wasn’t “dark” – it was empty. I was walking away from each scene and each sexual encounter saying “Well, THAT was fun!” – but my heart was telling me something different. Looking over fresh bruises acquired the night before no longer held the awe and appeal it once did. Eventually my disillusionment caused play partners and sex partners to see me as “conflicted” and not so much fun anymore.

I stepped out of the lifestyle. I tried vanilla dating, but discovered that vanilla women were more neurotic than anything I’d run across in the lifestyle. So the emptiness grew inside. I felt that I did not fit in anywhere.

It was simply by chance that an old friend said, “I know you aren’t playing or dating. But what can it hurt to come out and hang with some of your own kind for an evening?” Another person had decided to come along with some kinky friends to just “hang out” that night as well. And if not for that twist of fate, perhaps we would have never met. And it wasn’t even until I’d chatted it up with this “friend of a friend of a friend” and we were parting ways for the evening that I learned her name – Mistress Oasis.

I have to stop there, because to write anymore about it would be giving away a chapter of my book. But hopefully, someone who is wandering about feeling empty in this lifestyle will stumble upon this writing of mine. To them I would say “Don’t give up.” Take a break if you need to, but don’t quit showing up. This lifestyle has new people filtering into it every day. And it’s not all twenty-somethings who just finished reading “50 Shades.” There are women coming into this community in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s who have wanted to rule men all their lives and only now have decided to shed society’s “norms” and seek what they crave.

But you have to be there if you’re going to meet them. I hope you find yours soon!

– Slave Dragos


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It’s Not Easy

This lifestyle is not easy. Being a submissive is not easy. Being a Dominant is not easy. Incorporating this stuff into general life is not easy. I believe the fact that Mistress Oasis and I (and thousands of others around the globe) go through the rigors and challenges required to be able to incorporate this lifestyle into our daily lives is a testament to how powerful a thing this lifestyle truly is, once you let it become more than just a really intense way to have sex.

In “ENERGY and BDSM,” I give the reader a peek into our lives. However, there are things I don’t discuss. Quite simply, Mistress Oasis and I do not wish for every detail of our lives to be on display. Everybody prefers to have some level of privacy in their lives.

However, here’s a little more of what’s behind the curtain:

Although we are two consenting adults, and are in a better position than many out there to follow our hearts and live this lifestyle to the hilt, the reality is that there are still limitations and hurdles. Since we run a business in the vanilla world, there are demands on our time and resources. As much as we do infuse our dynamic into our daily lives to the extent possible, we simply are not free to be entirely “us” 100% of the time.

As a submissive, I cannot act or speak naturally at all times. I have a strong personality – I’m a fixer, a trouble shooter, a straight talker. I’m constantly at battle with myself not to be overbearing in my speech or action because I want and need to be in a place that is subservient to her. However, I’m trusted to be decisive and bold in my responsibilities to the business. For efficiency’s sake, there is scant room for me to have to ask permission for each decision I make. When focused and intent, my words can sometimes be quick and sharp.  I try to balance that part of me with the man in me who is most at peace when kneeling at her feet. But, having been a survivor in the real world for so long, it’s a challenge to soften that edge of my personality. It simply comes too naturally.

Mistress Oasis is strong and bold – caring little of what others say or think about what she does or says. Many a fool in her past made the dire mistake of telling her that she wouldn’t amount to anything. They only succeeded in lighting a fire in her that still burns today. If they really wanted to accomplish destroying her will, perhaps they should have kept repeating, “You’re a wonderful person and everyone loves you just the way you are…” But, they didn’t tell her that. So, she set about hammering her mark into the world and her success has far surpassed that of all her nay-sayers.

I love her because she beat back all of her detractors simply by putting the pedal down and moving full speed ahead. But, she’s not a stone. She has a heart that never seems to run out of space for those she cares for. She’s one of those who has taken in a lot of strays. Not animals – people. While I’m a “fixer,” she is a “healer.” She wants to heal those who seem to have been cast aside by the world. (Maybe there is something in that heart that wants to heal all the people who have heard too many of the same things she was told for so long.) I’m in love with this part of her, too.

Being a Dominant is no easier than being a submissive. I know that she is constantly balancing a desire to completely control me with an equally strong desire not to hurt me or make me feel unloved. It is that real concern for me and my wellness that draws me in deeper. Some may say that she isn’t “dominant enough” because she cares too much about my happiness. There are too many out there saying, “It’s all about me. You serve my interests and yours don’t matter.”  I know that’s a nice fantasy but it would be a very empty life, I think – unless one was a pathological narcissist. Yeah…dream on, Ye frosty Queens of the ice regions!

It’s that balance we try to keep that makes this hard. So much easier our lives would be if we simply made this something that we do for a great fuck! However, that’s not who we are. These “roles” come to us too naturally. And, too often we have to “shelve” our real selves because life requires that we attend to it.

I’m quick to point out to people that it’s impossible to be in our BDSM mindset 24/7, no matter what anyone claims to have. I’m also the first to regret that reality. Perhaps that’s why the Gor books were so popular. I read a couple of them out of curiosity, but have always been skeptical of those who try with all of their might to emulate a work of fiction in their own lives. But, I see where such a world in which naked slaves are led through the streets, used, and sold at a whim can be so very intriguing – maybe even to a point of obsession.

The reality is that incorporating D/s and sadomasochism regularly into our lives takes work, and balance. It takes understanding and empathy. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen all by itself. But, I know that this is who I am. I love the one who holds my key and I’ll be happy with however much of this I can get.