Too Many “LIKES” Can Get You Passed Up

How many of you have been “unfriended” by someone on social media because of something you said, posted, or showed support for? I don’t mean something you said to directly insult someone. I mean something that you simply posted or stated that made someone decide that you weren’t worth having on their friend list anymore. A similar thing can happen to you when it comes to being a single submissive man hoping to meet Dominant women.

In Chapter 10 of “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” I write about what kinds of signals you unwittingly send out by the photos you “like” on social and dating media. I have a FetLife profile, Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr accounts. And, without exception, on each of those feeds, there are one or two guys who are constantly posting or “liking” picture after picture after picture all day long.

Most of the pictures tend to be of nude women posing or women engaged in sexual acts. (To the Pro-Dommes, I know you have a business to run and hot pics bring in the clients. So this isn’t about you.)

If you are “that guy” with the itchy clicking finger, hitting the “LIKE” button every time you see a gaping beaver on your screen – have you ever thought what message that is sending out to women who may actually be looking at you as someone they may want to say “hi” to?

Now, before anyone goes totally snowflake on me and demands to know who the fuck I think I am to “judge” other people – please relax. I judge very few people. I enjoy images of the female form as much as any guy. But, all the fuck pics in the world don’t equate to the mind-blowing headspace that my own Mistress Oasis puts me in. If your idea of a good time is spanking your monkey to dirty pictures, then by all means don’t let me poop on your party.

But, if you have a goal of actually meeting a real, live Domme for yourself someday – well that’s why I wrote “FemDom Dating.” And if you are actually interested in just how deep your BDSM relationship can go, that’s why I wrote “Energy and BDSM.” All the nudie pics you “LIKE” in a day will not get you to either place. So, this post is not to pass judgement on you, but to help you reach that goal of someday having a real Domme accept you as hers. The choice is yours – another empty orgasm all by yourself with your computer, or a path that can lead you to a real D/s relationship.

Part of the basic logic that “FemDom Dating” is based upon is this: men and women think differently. This sounds obvious. But, when you look at a lot of single submissive men’s behavior, it’s clear that they don’t agree with this on a subconscious level. How many women have you personally met who are genuinely attracted to a man who spends hour after hour looking at porn? On the same level, how many women have you personally met who are genuinely okay with the idea of the man they are in a relationship with spending all his free time looking at porn? I’m not talking about a woman who’s capable of sitting and enjoying sexy images with her mate. Hell, Mistress Oasis and I do that! But, normally, the more time a man spends staring at naked photos of other women (or men, for that matter), the less his girlfriend/wife/Mistress tends to like it.

To be sure, as guys, most of us wouldn’t care if our girlfriend or wife spent a bunch of her spare time looking at hot pics on her computer, getting all horny and whatnot. In fact, some of us would find that quite appealing. But, women don’t think that way. Not most women, anyway. They don’t want their man focusing his attention on other women and their bodies.

Now, let’s take that knowledge and apply it to a Domme who is looking at your profile. So, each day you’re clicking the “LIKE” or “LOVE” button on, let’s say, 15 to 20 photos of people having sex. If you are on a site that records your activity on a timeline, these things show up. And, again, thinking differently than a man, a Dominant woman wouldn’t just look at your pictures to see how hot you are. As I point out in “FemDom Dating,” studies have shown that women spend more time READING a profile than looking at pictures. So, this Domme, while reading about you and your activity, sees that you spend your time pulling up picture after picture and “loving” them. What opinion do you think she is forming as she sees that?

I’m not saying you should not look at hot pics. But, honestly, how many times have you “loved” a picture, resulting in the woman in the photo contacting you, and establishing a relationship pf any type? If you are like most guys, I’m going to venture a guess that it hasn’t happened to you. On the flip side of the coin, if that Domme reading over your profile gets the impression that you would prefer to look at porn and jerk off rather than focus your attention on submission to a Domme, what do you think your chances are that she will reach out to you, or respond positively to any contact you may initiate?

I’m not making up hypothetical theories, here. I’ve literally sat with Dominant women while they showed me profiles of men with hundreds of “loves” on pictures of tits and pussy. And, without exception, they insinuate that the owner of that profile must sit around stroking his pud in front of his computer all day. These are real women giving their real opinions. Think about that.

Social media and dating sites are great for sharing and connecting with other kinky people. But, no matter what you’re doing on your profile, always be thinking of what kind of reputation you are building with your activities.


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“FemDom Dating” is SO Controversial…It Got My FetLife Account Shut Down

The idea for my new book, “FemDom Dating: The Submissive’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” occurred to me about a year ago. The thought was, instead of continually bashing “submissive” guys for the silly (and often disgustingly offensive) messages they send to Dominant women in their attempts to attract potential play partners, and possibly cultivate romantic relationships, why not create a comprehensive, easy-to-read guide that will show them how to properly approach these women??

Let’s be honest here. I know, probably better than most, that a HUGE number of men on alternative dating and social sites who claim to be “submissive” are not only NOT “submissive” – but they also don’t give a rat’s ass about anything outside of their own fantasies and orgasms. I get it. But at the same time, there are plenty of men wandering clueless through cyberspace who honestly and passionately dream of giving their time, their devotion, and their priorities to a strong, Dominant woman. But, they STILL think dick pics and “HI” messages are the way all of this is done. Those are the guys I wanted to reach, and help realize their dreams.

I know that it gets really old for you Dommes to read lame message after lame message from “subs” that reek of zero thought or creativity. But, I also believe that there are genuine guys out there who just need some brotherly guidance, rather than a cyber-punch to the face every time they ask a question on “Dominant Women” group discussions.

Anyone who’s written a book knows that the first step is to gather as much information and supporting facts as possible to give yourself a nice bundle of substantive material to weed through, and come up with the best writing ideas. And, so it was with this book. I didn’t want it to be completely anecdotal, based only on my experiences. So, I reached out and asked for input from Dommes on FetLife. I posted my request for some very general information in one of the groups.

Ohhhhhhhh Boy!!

Right away, Mistress Troll (not her real name) fired off a nasty reply, telling me how people like ME are ruining this community by taking advantage of others’ private information and communications. She went on to say that she hoped that John Baku himself would find out about my dastardly deeds, and ban me from FetLife forever. Then, she made sure to ANNOUNCE that she would be blocking my sorry ass – so there! Bleahhhhh!! (Picture a mean bitch sticking her tongue out when you read that.)

Meanwhile back at the farm, many Dommes did reach out to me privately and I appreciate all their assistance. Some even commented on how ridiculous Mistress Troll’s response had been.

Well, within a couple of days, I suddenly couldn’t log into my profile. I received a polite email from FetLife’s equivalent of customer service (I forget what they call themselves) telling me that my account had been frozen because they believed that I was currently violating, or was plotting to violate their rules of conduct. It took me a couple of days of back and forth emails, promising that I wasn’t going to take a bunch of people’s PM’s and splash them all over a book and publish it – complete with FetLife handles and whatnot. (And, subsequently, FemDom Dating does NOT contain any content from FetLife.) But in the end, my profile was back up. It was quite tempting, I must say, to give a little shout out to Mistress Troll, saying, “Yo bitch, I’m back!!” But thankfully, I’m more of an adult than she is.

Mistress Oasis took a peek at Mistress Troll’s profile and guess what? SHE whines, moans, and bitches in her writings and group posts about the exact issue I’m trying to address in my book! Sub males sending her trashy correspondence and expecting her to drop what she’s doing and engage in sex with them! So, one would think that she would appreciate my efforts.

Anyway, “FemDom Dating” is NOT controversial after all. It was written to benefit sub males and Dommes alike. The book has been published despite Mistress Troll’s efforts. It’s on AMAZON now, and was the #1 New Release within its category the very next day.

More than anything, I guess I feel kind of sad for someone whose only source of accomplishment and satisfaction is found in tearing down other people who set out to  create something to benefit others. I’m not sure if Mistress Troll was angry that someone would actually try to write an informative guide to help submissive males better themselves or if she thought she was somehow boosting her own popularity by trying to brand me as a danger to the FetLife community, and then attacking me as a straw-man.

FemDom Dating offers advice on self improvement – what works and what doesn’t when it comes to building online profiles, messaging Dommes, and posting in groups. I explain what has worked for me as far as cultivating friendships with Dommes, being respectful without grovelling, and how to propose meeting, dating and play in dignified and positive ways.

Check out my publisher, Well Heeled Dominatrix for other titles by FemDom authors.


Get FemDom Dating HERE
Get “Energy and BDSM” HERE

Whining on FetLife Gets You NOWHERE!!

AAAArrrgghhh!!!!!! – I can’t take it anymore!!!

…..Okay, I’ve got that out of my system and now I can write this in a calm manner.

I was browsing one of the FetLife groups I belong to today. I happened upon yet another post from yet another man who who was complaining about the “clicky-ness” (for lack of a better term) on FetLife, and the fact that one of his posts on another group had been removed for being off topic or inappropriate for that group. He went on to complain that, when he asks questions in groups, he’s scolded by some members for whatever. (See my blog post on trolls HERE.)

As is my usual practice, I clicked over to his profile to learn more about this person before I posted a comment about his “topic.” As I guessed, he was a sub whose entire profile description was about wanting to find Dommes to play with. The description was basically two short paragraphs with no real detail about himself, except what he wanted to “find” on FetLife (play partners). He had one picture of himself (I suppose) dressed, and from the neck down. So, I give him points for not having a dick pic as his profile photo. But, there’s a pattern I’ve noticed. These posts usually come for guys who thought that posting a profile on Fetlife, and messaging some women, was going to set them up with a lifetime of kinky play and sex. But, that’s another topic for another blog post.

Hey guys – here’s some tough love:

Nobody cares that you aren’t having fun on FetLife!!

Now, I can agree with you on many points.

YES, it is incredibly difficult and frustrating if you are wanting to live out your male submissive dreams, and you are trying to do so without ever leaving the safety of your bedroom. I’m always going to circle back to my point that the magic normally doesn’t happen until you show up in person to events where you can meet people for real.

YES, I think too many people on FetLife are not nice. I believe we should all be more understanding of others, and realize that we were all new at one time and we all struggled to learn everything that we now know. I wish things were the way I experienced them back in the 90s, when most people online were civil and eager to explain what they knew without judgement. But, that train left the station a long time ago.

YES, I know that it’s not easy being a single sub male in an ocean of single sub males, all trying to get noticed and hopefully catch the eye of one of the very few Dominant women out there. Hell, that’s exactly why I spent a year writing “FemDom Dating.” I realized that it wasn’t possible that all of the guys I saw sending really bad messages and posting really silly shit were simply assholes. It can be frustrating and it’s nice to have someone who’s been through it help guide your way.

HOWEVER – whining about it in a group (even if posed as a reasonable “question”) is not appreciated by anyone. It is seen as childish and wimpy. Plus, everyone is busy trying to get what they are after on FetLife, be it a date, online validation and confirmation that people “like” them, a sense of community, a good wank session – whatever. They are not interested in consoling you or me over our exasperation that things are going the way we thought they would on FetLife.

Here are some pointers that I think can help when you are getting frustrated at a lack of progress in your online efforts on FetLife.

  1. If you are online trying to meet your “forever” Domme, and are bombing out – YOU NEED MY BOOK!!
  2. Opinions are like assholes – everybody has one … and some make more noise than others. – Get used to it. If you post something in cyberspace where hundreds of people are going to see it, there will be hundreds of differing opinions as to how intelligent, relevant, or interesting your post is. If the moderators of the group you are in feel your post doesn’t belong there, they have the right to remove it. People who don’t agree with you are going to say so. Some will be very nasty about it.
  3. Your education is your responsibility – If you’re a newbie, the BDSM world can be very confusing. This is especially true as you learn more and more about the difference between what you thought BDSM was like and what its realities are. There is much to learn. And, there are thousands of resources available online that explain damn near everything you could want to know about your specific kink. Something I’ve observed over the last 30 years is that, with all of the information at our fingertips, most people still prefer to learn things person to person. And, I will agree that there are people who will react rudely when you post a question that they feel is basic knowledge. But, it is up to you to try to learn all you can yourself. When I first got into the BDSM community, I bought STACKS of books on BDSM 101, psychology behind D/s, how to top, how to tie knots, how to play safely, how to throw a whip, etc. Take time, and study up.
  4. You’ll get more out of real life – Oh, I know. Here I am – one more asshole telling you to “go to a munch.” Here’s the reality: I don’t care how many discussions you have online, how many articles you read, or how many pictures and videos you look at – you won’t learn as much as you will meeting, talking to, and watching people who actually do what you are wanting to do. And, as I explain in both my books, your chances of actually meeting someone, and getting an opportunity to play increase astronomically once you show up in real life to events. I don’t care how many people brag about having a fulfilling “online” D/s relationship. They wouldn’t be saying that if they’d experienced the real thing.
  5. A lot of FetLifers have never been to a munch either – When Mistress_So_and_So (who posts 50 comments every day and who’s profile claims she’s been a “Lifestyle Domme” for 20+ years – and has no photo of herself) trashes you over a post, relax. I have no hard numbers or research. But, I know how my friends who actually show up for events “speak” on FetLife. And, a lot of people on FL do not speak the same way. Think about it, some of these people are on there posting, “liking,” commenting and criticizing all day long. If they are really living 24/7 D/s lives, why do they need to be on FL all the time? Now, I post things as often as I can. It gets me seen, and sells books. But I run a business, I serve a real-life Domme, and we really play. I far prefer real service and real play to reading about it, and looking at pictures. Think about that when one of these chronic FL trolls hammers you online. Chances are that they aren’t getting any more action than you are. But, by criticizing everyone, they think they sound more “informed.” You have no idea. Move on, and don’t let it bother you.
  6. None of it matters! – I’m going to tell you a secret. The 200 messages you sent out that received no reply, the 5 or 6 questions you asked in the “For Newbies” group that got you slammed by a gang of cackling hens pecking away at their keyboards – even the time you jumped in a group and got scolded because you asked if there were any Dommes in your area who wanted to play; none of it will matter when (and if) you meet a Domme who finds you worthy of date. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t give people a reason not to like you. Posting general complaints on FetLife about FetLife will not win anyone over – and it certainly isn’t going to get you a date with a Domme. Learn to blow off the bad stuff, and keep moving forward.


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Dommes not responding to you?? Nix the Pics of your DICK!!!

Imagine you were applying for a really great job. Let’s pretend it was something that was going to start you off with about six figures per year. Great pay, huh?

Now, let’s pretend that I was someone in the Human Resources department of that company and, while scheduling your interview, I said to you – “There is one thing that will absolutely guarantee that you won’t get hired here. The management hates purple ties. Whatever you do, DON’T wear a purple tie.

Now, let’s assume you show up on interview day with your purple tie on. And, you are SHOCKED when you are told at the end of your interview, “Thank you, but you’re not what we’re looking for.”

You must be thinking, “Well, I’m not that stupid. If you told me not to wear a purple tie, I wouldn’t wear one.”

If that is your answer, then you have just a slight idea of how totally oblivious A LOT of guys calling themselves submissive males are when it comes to online profiles.

I’m going to get right to the point here. Dommes do NOT care about your pecker!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t say that Dommes don’t like penises. Certainly they do. They like the penises that are attached to the male subs that they 1) get to know, 2) build trust and understanding with, and 3) agree to play with.

It is the penis that is splashed all over the profile of a submissive that sends them a “hello” message (whom they’ve never met) that Dommes don’t like. It’s without a doubt the NUMBER 1 complaint I hear and read over and over from Dominant women when it comes to their online experiences.

It doesn’t make sense, does it? They are women. You are certain that you have a really nice looking cock dangling between your legs. YOU like to see female breasts and closeup photos of vaginas. So, what gives? How could they possibly not be impressed by the 17 pictures you have of your flop-snake in various stages of rigidity and self bondage?

What I’m telling you here is not coming from me. It’s coming from thousands of women who are posting comments all over online forums, and a couple of hundred that I’ve personally befriended and spoken to in my 30 years in the lifestyle.

Here’s the deal, guys. Women THINK differently than we do. We men are visually and sexually driven. The sight of sexual organs draws our attention and interest. We straight guys love to see tits and pussy. Gay guys love to see dick. And bi guys – well, I guess they like looking at everybody’s junk.

But, women look past the physical. That’s not to say that they don’t look and assess physical attractiveness in a male specimen. But, they quickly move on to sizing up a guy’s intelligence, mannerisms, personality, confidence, and other things to determine compatibility. Dommes especially have a keen sense of knowing that they can pretty much have any cock they want. So, they look beyond that to assess the quality of the package that the cock is attached to (meaning the whole man).

None of this is to say that Dommes do not have a sexual drive or that they don’t enjoy a nice penis. Quite the contrary, they can be very sexual and even focus a lot of attention on their sub’s cock. But, that’s after they have established a friendly relationship with a sub.

Posting picture after picture of your schlong on your profile simply screams “I’m obsessed with SEX!!” What a Domme is looking for is a man who is obsessed with pleasing her. And by “pleasing her,” I don’t just mean sexually. And, I don’t just mean being good at foot worship or taking a good beating. What I mean is – can you satisfy her with your personality, your wit, your charm, and your obedience in non-sexual aspects and tasks?

But, prior to all of that, when she gets that message in her in-box that starts with “Hello Mistress So and So,” she’s simply trying to establish whether or not you are a “wanker.” In other words, are you simply looking for someone to please you? Someone to satisfy your fantasies? Someone to get you off? Guess what she’s going to think when she clicks on your profile (and she will) only to find a plethora of pictures of your sex organ?

I’m not saying that I’m completely against nude photos or dick pics. Hell, I have a few on my profiles. But, then again, I’m collared and monogamous. I’m not trying to find a relationship. If you are single and seeking, a good rule of thumb when it comes to phallic photos is: Less is better


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Will the Internet Destroy Traditional BDSM?

Without doubt, FetLife has become the virtual hub for all things kink. But, it does not stand alone. The Internet is absolutely chock full of information, images, thoughts, blogs, stories, and opinions of bondage, leather, fetish dominance, submission, etc., etc… Never before have so many variations of human behavior been crammed into one big tent. And, never before has so much “information” been readily available at one’s fingertips.

How did anyone do this stuff before there was an Internet to show us all how, where, and with whom??

When I came into the BDSM community, the Internet was still in its infancy. Interaction between kinksters was basically limited to emails, chat rooms, and private messages within IRC servers. Images were still too large, and connections still too slow to have profiles with a bunch of pictures on them. In fact, “social media” wasn’t even a thing yet.

Back then, two things were very different than they are now. Firstly, most groups involved in BDSM and its practice emphasized D/s, S/M, and accompanying practices as a lifestyle, rather than simply another form of sex. Secondly, I cannot remember seeing anyone scolded back then for asking a question – no matter how many times it may have been asked and answered.

A Lifestyle – not a sex-style.
If you click around FetLife for any period of time, it’s easy to find plenty of profiles that really have nothing to do with leather, bondage, BDSM – or even fetish!! But they have everything to do with sex, dick pics, fuck photos, and beaver shots. Now, I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. Mistress Oasis and I have a very active, fun, and creative sex life. I love sex and orgasms. And, yes, even I have nude pics and dick pics on my profile, but all in the context of submission or CBT. The sex is a small part of who we are and what we do. That was the message promoted by kink-friendly groups of my day. Yes, we were all sexually active. But, sex was not what we were about.

I was born too late to have been involved in the “Old Guard” subset, with their rigid rules, protocols, and dress codes. However, the community, when I did enter it in the 90s, did have basic standards of behavior. We didn’t just run up to people we didn’t know, and request play or sexual favors. Nowadays, it’s nothing for people (mostly men) to message total strangers with declarations of what they want to do “for” them, or to them.

Back then, everyone kept their hands to themselves unless contact was agreed to – as safety, consent, and negotiation were the holy grails of the lifestyle. Today, I see WAY too much uninvited groping and boob/ass grabbing going on at play parties.

Some time ago, we went to a private party where a male Dom greeted Mistress Oasis and then promptly put his hand on one of her breasts, while commenting on how nice they looked. After a few choice words, we left and we haven’t ever gone back. Play parties used to be special events where special things were expected to be experienced. As such, we dressed the part. Leathers and evening attire were the norm. Now, you’re just as likely to see shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops at a play party. When I got my start, scenes were serene and artful, and emphasized the connection between the players. Sure, they could be sexy, sensual, or even brutal. But, they usually had an artistic or performance quality flare to them. Today, at just about any play party, at some point, we are almost certain to be treated to the old “forced orgasm” scene. It’s the lowest common denominator and anyone can do it. We overtly distinguished ourselves from swingers by not turning our play parties into sex shows. And, I’m not criticizing swingers – I was one for several years. They do their thing, which is much different than our thing.

Or, is it? It seems that – as more and more people are invited to come hang out in the kink realm (many of whom have ZERO interest in BDSM, D/s, kink OR fetish), the more it seems that BDSM is becoming just another way to fuck. There was a time when we were very enigmatic. There was a mystique about us leather-folk. Nowadays, if you click on someone’s profile who call themselves a “sub” or “slave” you’re just as likely to find a hundred photos of that one person posing naked or masturbating as you are to find somebody actually celebrating submission or slavery. Wanting everyone to see you naked and getting off makes you an exhibitionist – and that’s fine. We leather types have never judged. But, it does not make you “submissive” or a “slave.” However, I digress.

It just seems to me that those who practice a loving power exchange are being seen as no different than those who just want to fuck…or act like an animal and fuck…or act like a child and fuck…or dress up like the opposite gender and fuck. And again, I hold no judgment against anyone who wants to fuck in any one of 10,000 ways. But, those of us who practice protocols and power exchange are indeed different and unique. I would hate to see us lose our identity completely.

Stuck on “Stickies”
I like to check out posts in the various groups I belong to. I’m noticing a serious lack of patience toward anyone asking a question anymore. You almost cannot read through a discussion thread without someone blathering on about “Stickies” (basically tagged posts at the top of the page for easy reference).

You should go look in the stickies. This topic has been addressed several times already.”

Oh yeah? No shit? Tell me when was the last time that someone posted a question in one of these threads that HASN’T been answered at some point in the past?

Question – how did you feel when you were a kid and you asked your parents something, and their answer was “look it up?” Or, today when you ask about something, and someone tells you “Google It.” Is that what the BDSM community is now here for – to tell everybody else to go look somewhere else for their answers?

Years ago, we, too, had a constant parade of new and inexperienced people logging into the chat rooms, and showing up at the BDSM discussion meetings. No, not the thousands every day like we have now on FetLife. But back then, just like today, there were things that simply got asked over and over. We had “stickies” back then, too. They were called “books.” Books like “BDSM 101,” “Screw the Roses – Send Me the Thorns,” “The Loving Dominant,” “The Topping Book,” and “The Bottoming Book,” as well as others. And, we recommended them to newcomers enthusiastically.

What we didn’t say was, “Hey! You need to go buy “BDSM 101” because the answer to your question is in there and you are simply annoying me with your question. And, we certainly didn’t tell people that their question was pointless, or without purpose, or dumb – which is something else I notice a lot of today.

Wasn’t the Internet supposed to make it easier for us to share information and knowledge? What’s happened? What’s the point of a discussion group if we don’t want to “discuss” anything, and instead keep pointing people to the virtual public library? And, how ridiculous is it that people, who have nothing else going on in their lives, sit on FetLife and take the time to post on a discussion thread to scold someone else for asking a question and wasting their time?? If you’re on FetLife, it’s a pretty good indicator that you’ve got some time to spare!

I see a lot of posts by younger people about how mean we “older” people are here on FL. Call them wimps and whiners if you like, but I can see their point. FetLife says “Come one! Come all! Come hang out here where all kinky people are safe and welcome!!” And then, the minute these new people ask a question, they are told how stupid they are.

What’s the future of BDSM? Who defines us?
The Internet?
The porn industry?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve invested a lot of time, effort, money and feelings into my D/s and S/M life. Mistress Oasis and I haven’t gone to a lifestyle event in a long time because of the direction things are going in. I wonder if, in 20 more years, BDSM will have any resemblance to its origins.

Or will it be recognized at all?

Dragos is a 24/7 owned and collared slave who has been in the BDSM lifestyle for 30 years. He began as a Dominant, later experimented with switching as a bottom. After some pivotal experiences in masochistic and service oriented submission, he finally became exclusively submissive. He now faithfully serves his beloved Domme, Mistress Oasis.  He is the author of “Energy and BDSM – Exploration of a Deeper Experience” and is currently working on his second book – a dating guide for submissive single men. 

Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Has the old “New Generation” become the new “Old Guard?”

Have we, the “experienced” kinksters become too intolerant of the new “up and comers?”

When I first started really digging into the BDSM lifestyle in the 90’s, I remember first hearing about “Old Guard” leatherfolk who – although not bad people – were very resistant to new and daring ideas. The ideas such as “earning your leathers,” dress codes in the play scene, “flagging” codes were pretty much set in stone as far as the “Old Guard” was concerned. The idea of a twenty-two year old coming into lifestyle with zero past experience and calling himself “Master” was frowned upon by Old Guard. Switches didn’t exist in “Old Guard” circles. You were Dominant, or you were submissive – and you didn’t “switch” roles. You had to learn their ways – at least most of them – if you wanted to fit in.

These ideas were non-negotiable. And they were written too. Sure! There were resources one could go to and find the ideals of the Old Guard and learn them. (Although , from the 50s up until probably around the 80s, they were UNwritten, learned only from one leatherman to the next, once one was allowed “in.”) And learning these ideals was necessary if one wanted to be accepted in these circles.

One always asks the Dominant before addressing his submissive. One nevertouches a Dom’s toys (especially a whip – whips are sacred) without receiving permission first. Only the very experienced could wear hats. Boots were mandatory. Black leather and brown leather were never mixed. (Source –

Back in the 90’s, as “new age” kinksters, we emulated some of these traditions – and sort of giggled at others. The tradition of a submissive never “owning” a collar but instead accepting a collar “owned” by the Dominant is one we still see in most BDSM circles. But the idea that I HAVE to wear boots when in the community hasn’t really survived, has it? We see lots of different footwear at parties – as well as other things that were “unthinkable” in the “Old Guard” days.

And now it’s 2017. I’m an old guy. My public play heydays are behind me. But I still love discussing the lifestyle and all of its aspects with old friends and new people. I don’t know about you, but I love being asked by new people about various ideas, terms, and activities, and getting a chance to share my knowledge and experience. Don’t you?

Well, from what I’ve seen, there are far too many people online who claim, (like I do) to be broadly experienced in the leather arts – but seem to have no interest in actually teaching anybody anything. Instead, they are all too quick to criticize new (and even not-so-new) people for even getting online and asking anything.

And here’s their fallback – “That’s already been answered over here: (fill in URL of a prior conversation or a writing, or a “sticky”).

So, my question is this: If all of the answers to these “dumb” questions have already been answered and are “written” somewhere – does that mean that all discussion should cease? Shall we close the discussion groups with a re-direct link to the “archives” that says “It Is Written…”?

So I ask – if we older folks are unwilling to actually hold a dialogue with the younger folks (and newer folks regardless of age) – have we become the new “Old Guard?” Will we exclude all who do not do BDSM “our way?” (Whatever way that is…) What have we become if our answers to the newer generation are “Go look it up,” and “Why are you asking THAT question … HERE?”

To clarify, I don’t see the “Old Guard” as bad. But they did apparently have a sort of “Our way or the highway” mantra.

I’m not wanting or expecting to “fix” a whole community. Hopefully I’ll wake a few people up who, in their hearts don’t want to be “exclusive” to people who are trying to find their way in this lifestyle that is way too mis-characterized in popular culture.

I’m a thinker and a writer, and I’m simply writing what I’m thinking. I honestly don’t need to learn anything else myself – I pretty much know exactly what I like, and I have someone who loves me and also likes what I like. So, I’ve got my comfy little corner to enjoy the rest of my life in. I also don’t need to teach anyone anything. I really have nothing to gain from it.

But I remember what it was like to not “know” things. I remember how good it felt to have people around me who were LIKE ME, and happy to answer my “dumb” questions and talk to me for as long as I needed to understand – rather than point to where my questions were “already answered.” I guess, as long as I can remember those things, I can’t turn others away. I guess that’s why I don’t like seeing others turn them away either.

To Be Continued…


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Online Discussions – Sweat Not the Trolls

The BDSM world is unique, but not supernatural. Even on the cover of my book ENERGY and BDSM, I speak of the “dark and mysterious” world of BDSM. Well, what we do in the dungeon may be dark and mysterious. And some of the ways we interact with each other may have a level of “mystique” to them. But the reality is that kinksters are normal people with normal lives just like everyone else on the planet – no matter how much they may attempt to glorify their kinkiness on internet profiles.

This is something to keep in mind when you’re wandering through the “alternative reality” that is internet BDSM. And I’m not talking about porn or those “virtual ” games… no. I’m referring to the very real online  charade that goes on day after day on BDSM dating sites and social sites – like FetLife.

If you are a submissive male seeking companionship or more with a Dominant female, understand that  posting a profile on FetLife and calling yourself a Domme, does not mean someone has their shit together in real life. Think about it, with 3.6 MILLION users as of 2015, don’t you think that SOME pissed off, miserable, man-hating hags got through??

You betcha.

Some of you may like to hang out in the discussion groups for conversation,  entertainment, learning, or even to up your chances to meet someone. Some of these women who apparently lead miserable lives have decided to set up FetLife profiles and pose as “Dominant” women rather than “pissed off at the world – especially men.” (Would make a great FetLife profile category, huh?) And lots of them LOVE to hang out in the discussion groups.

I’ve been on FetLife since about 2008. Dragos was not my first profile. I’ve been around the block a few times, but decided to become more anonymous since publishing ENERGY and BDSM.  Submissive guys, there are GREAT, loving, caring, good-hearted women out there who appreciate what you are!! I know the search is tough and the pickings are slim. But don’t give up. And don’t let the man-haters of FetLife get you down. They like to get into the discussions and pick apart the topic, and/or individual’s responses to the topic. They’ll act like they are just joining the discussion, but then attack someone. They aren’t able to say “this is my opinion..XYZ” and then carry on with their lives. They are clearly the type of sad individual who must confront everybody for THEIR opinions and show that person their folly for thinking or speaking in such a way.

I recently had a couple if these biddies jump into a discussion that I started. I checked around into other discussions they had joined into, and they were doing the exact same thing – criticizing the OP, criticizing the topic, or how it was presented…criticizing other people (men) in the forum for their opinions and thoughts – basically trying to de-rail the discussion and send it crashing off a cliff. This makes them feel good, apparently. Like a vandal who paints graffiti on something is proud that he “left his mark” somewhere.

My advice to you, single sub-males, is to learn to recognize these life forms for what they are early on and not engage them. As a sub male, especially in a “sub male and Dominant women” type forum – it’s a losing proposition, because the other old cranks will come out of the woodwork and gang up. Just keep your polite conversation with the more civil folk, and let the male-haters fizzle out and seek other quarry. Remember, for every person that posts in a thread, about ten others read the thread without posting.

I do engage them – first because I’m in a dynamite committed relationship and I have nothing to lose. Second, I’m always marketing. Any publicity is good publicity. The other day, while a team of would-be Domme-Nazis picked and pecked at a topic I’d started, and demanded that the discussion was settled so I should shut up – I sat and watched visits to my personal blog going up and up. And I cleared several sales of my book in that 12 hour period.

Mistress Oasis finally stepped in and spoke her peace, which resulted in a couple of very nice PMs from submissives who had seen the post and thanked her for defending sub-males. Eventually the discussion died down and the man-haters moved on. They are still doing the exact same thing on other threads.

I’m not sure why these women are here, claiming to be Dominant women who love submissive men. But they are here. Don’t be fooled by the title. Watch their words and how they interact with men in those threads. Apparently, intelligent, outspoken, confident, and successful don’t count as “submissive” in their eyes.


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)