Topping From the Bottom Ain’t Always Bad

Topping a semi-heavy masochist is not easy. I know, I’ve been at both ends of the whip. By “semi-heavy masochist,” I mean someone who needs much more than some spanking and flogging, but who still has limits that fall short of the severe. For masochists like us, it’s a balance. We like to creep up to just this side of “RED,” and then ride the edge of that cliff as long as we can.

For the Top or Dominant of such a masochist, keeping them on that cliff isn’t an easy job. Speaking personally, my reactions to pain while riding that edge can be very intense and dramatic. Although I’m not uttering a safe-word, it can appear as if I’m really struggling to endure the pain. On top of that, my pain threshold fluctuates – sometimes from day to day. Mistress Oasis often struggles with just how hard to push me. She loves inflicting pain and savors my reactions to it. However, hearing a safe-word come from me really upsets her. She shoulders the “fault” for pushing me “too far,” despite the fact that neither one of us truly knows what “too far” is until we get there.

Several times throughout my years in the lifestyle, I’ve “bottomed” for newbies trying to learn or hone their skills. It was no big thing for me to coach them along as they would flog me. “It’s okay, you can swing harder.” “Don’t hit there, that’s my kidney.” “Try stepping back/stepping closer and make sure to aim your swing.” You get the gist. I was a training dummy who gave real time feedback.

The phenomenon of “Topping from the Bottom” is usually referred to in a negative light. Subs are not supposed to top from the bottom, because this is disrespectful to the Dominant. It’s viewed as not being a “good submissive.” For anyone who may not know what “Topping from the Bottom” is, imagine a sub, on their hands and knees with their ass in the air. Their Dominant is busy working on them with a flogger. Now imagine the sub saying, “Hey, try to hit more in the center, not just the right cheek. I like it more centered.”…”Why don’t you work on my back for a while? I like it on my back more than my ass.” … “Oh, can you switch to the heavy flogger? This one is too stingy.” That should give you the idea. The sub wants to be “dominated” by someone, but wants to call all the shots along the way.

It’s not just Dominants who look poorly upon this behavior. Many of us subs don’t like it either. Speaking personally again, I don’t like to have to engage my brain in a scene to the point necessary to actually speak coherently. I enjoy letting go and flying away while Mistress Oasis does her thing. Yes, sometimes she does things that I can honestly say I don’t “like.” However, as I explain in my book “ENERGY and BDSM,” enduring pain that I truly don’t enjoy for the sake of my Mistress’s enjoyment often melts me into a deeper submissive state in my own head. And the “not-so-fun” stuff doesn’t last forever. Eventually, we get back to something that I love, and the roller coaster ride goes on and on.

However, Mistress Oasis and I occasionally change things up a bit, she will let me run the show from a position of vulnerability. It helps us grow in our dynamic, because it takes the responsibility of “reading me” off of her shoulders. Basically, we do things we normally do, except I give more positive verbal feedback. During our regular play, I don’t speak much, unless something is wrong. During these occasional “Top from the Bottom” days, I can encourage her to do more, or to continue to increase the intensity, or even suggest new things that I’ve wanted to try.

I know it’s tempting to think, “Why can’t she just keep increasing intensity on her own as long as you aren’t calling a safe-word?” That would be a good question. And again, it goes back to her not wanting to get to the point of a safe word. Some sadists are perfectly comfortable pushing further and further as long as a sub allows them. However, in Mistress Oasis’s mind, once the safe-word has been uttered, things have gone too far and a sense of guilt and responsibility accompany that. She’s not as unique as you may think. There are lots of sadists out there who really, really get off on hurting someone, as long as that masochist is clearly enjoying the ride – but cannot stand the idea of truly causing someone “bad” pain. This is a very positive trait for a sadist to posses. So it is because of this that the occasional break from the norm can be helpful in a sado-masochistic relationship.

Another benefit of these sessions, as I mentioned earlier, is the chance to try some new things. I have a very fertile imagination when it comes to dreaming up creative ways for my body to be bound and tortured. Some of these ideas can be pretty complex. So, just telling someone the idea and having them try to act it out often doesn’t achieve the desired result. Mistress Oasis loves when I rig up a new bondage position, or a new CBT idea. We recently introduced pulleys to go along with our weight play. Using pulleys and weights to place a load on nipple clamps or a CBT parachute opens up all kinds of new possibilities. But one has to familiarize themselves with more knots, mechanical reasoning, proper weight placement, etc. Allowing me to guide the activity allows her to understand exactly the ideas I have in my head and duplicate, or even modify them.

Additionally, these sessions do not always remain academic. Some of our absolute best scenes have started out with me coaching her in a new idea. Once the ball gets rolling, she gets very “into” what she is doing, and I get very “into” what is happening to me. We basically both get so hot we fall back into our proper roles and play out a real scene.

So, if you’ve always thought of “Topping from the Bottom” as a bad thing, perhaps you should consider how much you, as a Dominant, could learn – or you, as a sub, could benefit from setting aside some time to let the “bottom” take the steering wheel for a few hours and test the waters. You may be shocked at the exciting new things you’ll discover.

 

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Sometimes I feel like a sub… Sometimes I don’t

I found a question in a group discussion from a guy asking how to get himself “into a submissive mood” after he’s come home from a hard day, and just can’t seem to switch from vanilla to “sub” on command.

A theme I touch on in both my books: FemDom Dating and Energy and BDSM is as follows: Before we are a sub, a Dom, a masochist, a sadist, a slave or owner – we are all human beings first.

As a human, we each have a soul and a psyche. These things aren’t static. They change. They evolve. They shift back and forth like tides in the ocean. And sometimes – like an ocean tide – we cannot stop or change what our minds and bodies are doing.

I’m submissive to Mistress Oasis – and only her. Toward everyone else, I’m a confident, strong, outspoken, opinionated man with strong values and some unwavering beliefs. So, my mindset shifts several times daily, from how I interact with the outside world to how I interact with my Mistress. Additionally, my interactions with her in public are different than my interactions with her behind closed doors.

However, I go through cycles where I cannot throw that switch and go from “jeans and T-shirt guy” to the naked slave on the floor licking Mistress’ boots. Sometimes, my pain threshold goes way off kilter and I cannot take anywhere near the pain I took last week. Sometimes, all of the naked domestic service and play in the world just won’t take my mind to that magical place I usually like to float around in for hours and hours. What’s a poor subbie to do?!?!

Well, if you are a sub and experiencing such difficulty, the first thing to do is to relax. Understand that this type of shift is normal. It can be frustrating, yes. Disappointing, yes. But, it’s a totally normal human condition.

In my opinion, there are lots of things you can do for your Dominant, even if you can’t get yourself into that “submissive” mindset. But first, communication is paramount. Your Dominant and you must have an understanding that:

1) There will be times when you will simply not be in “sub”” mode, and

2) What the two of you will do when this is the case.

(Note: Dommes can go through the same thing. They can have periods where they just want to co-exist with you without necessarily consider themselves “over” you. So, it’s a good thing to have an understanding about this as well.)

Once you and your Dominant have come to terms with the fact that you are in a slump, there are things you can do to maintain some of your submissive presence, without pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone.

  1. If your situation allows you to be unclothed, and being unclothed won’t throw you off emotionally, then by all means – get those clothes off. Even if the rest of your evening will be spent watching TV, doing so with you naked and your Domme dressed will still be an expression of your devotion as her sub. Add a collar if you like to really make the statement.
  2. Make dinner, or order it and serve it up to your Domme with a nice table setting.
  3. Draw a bath for her. Almost every woman I’ve known enjoys sitting in a tub and relaxing while having their back scrubbed gently and their hair washed. Some candles and a glass of wine can add a very loving touch.
  4. Foot rubs. Who doesn’t LOVE a good foot rub?? Again, add to the experience by doing it naked. Even better, sit on the floor and prop her feet up while she sits in a chair. Being on my knees and rubbing my Domme’s feet actually helps deliver me into my submissive headspace. If your Domme doesn’t like her feet messed with (I’ve known some just like that), then rub her back and shoulders.
  5. Brush her hair. A lot of guys don’t think of this. But, I’ve found that most women really love to have someone brush their hair for them.
  6. Finally, at bedtime, don’t just lay down and go to sleep. Whatever your sleeping arrangements are (some Dommes actually have their sub sleep on the floor) offer to first help her fall asleep. Most folks have favorite places they like to have rubbed gently. Back, neck, legs, butt, etc. Stay up and rub her favorite areas – or her whole body if she likes that – until she falls asleep.

Basically, use these periods of submissive “malaise” as opportunities for romantic interludes to show your appreciation for your Domme. I think a lot of guys relate being “submissive” with performing in a sexual or masochistic manner. In fact, “submission” takes many forms. Just think of things that will make your Domme happy and go for it!

 

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My motivation behind “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”

I’M SO EXCITED!!!! The manuscript is done. The cover is done. We’ve sent the files to the printer. Very soon, “FemDom Dating” will be on the market!!!!

Why I wrote “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”

The scene is all too familiar: A woman with a profile on either a BDSM online dating site or social site reads aloud a message sent to her from some unknown man, which was clearly a very poor attempt to win her attention, and some sort of positive reply. The person she’s reading it to rolls their eyes, laughs, and responds with something like, “Oh my God, what a schmuck!” or “What an asshole! What makes guys think it’s alright to say that to someone he doesn’t even know?”

I’ve heard and read thousands of these from girlfriends, friends, and casual play Dommes. Even my ex-wife (when we were married) would show me the ridiculous things men would write in an attempt to say just the right thing that will raise her eyebrow, make her read it once again, and send a response that basically says, “Tell me more.”

Heck, I STILL get to see them regularly from Mistress Oasis.

It’s easy to blow these men off as jerks, assholes, or desperate idiot wankers who are just constantly thinking with their dicks. And many of them are.

But, over the years, I’ve been watching the FemDom chat rooms and group pages. Lots of submissive men post genuine comments and questions, trying to figure out where they are going wrong. Sure, many of them seem virtually clueless – “I’ve had my profile up for three weeks and sent a hundred PMs out, and no Dommes will respond to me.”

However, I’ve seen others post very sincere questions, simply trying to find out what makes Dommes tick so that they can improve their “skillset” at attracting a Domme’s interest. And, more times than not, these men are criticized, belittled, or answered with terse comments that basically don’t help or show any level of empathy. I guess that’s what chewed away at me the most – seeing the lack of empathy toward these guys…assuming that they are just dumb, or too lazy to “learn,” or perhaps not really even a submissive. I see this happening even in the “101” or “newbies” groups. Few people want to remember that they, too, were once very new, and confused as to how all of this works.

The BDSM world has become much more complex than it was when I first started to interact with other kinksters. And, the sexual marketing that we are bombarded with at every click of a mouse can easily make it appear that it is okay to simply pick a profile and send a message like “Hi. I’m a submissive. I like to do X, Y, and Z and I want you to do this, that, and that to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my book, I talk directly to the reader. I’m honest but not critical. I explain things from a male point of view. I don’t just demand that you stop thinking with your pecker. I explain why it’s important to stop thinking with your pecker. I’m a guy, I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t criticize you for thinking the way a guy thinks at a primal level. I explain the differences between online imagery and BDSM reality. At the same time, I explain how to evolve into what Dommes are looking for – from my own experiences, and those of others.

I’ve been “kinky” all my life. I’ve been in several committed BDSM relationships. I’ve been involved with many other women in “casual” BDSM play relationships over the past 30 years. I’ve hosted events that brought me in contact with hundreds of fellow kinksters. I’ve been Mistress Oasis’ sub for several years now. Imagine sitting down, having a beer with me, and asking me anything you wanted – and getting honest, non-judgmental answers from me. What worked? What didn’t work? What have I learned through it all? What would I repeat? What would I never, ever try again?

That’s how I wrote this book: with honesty, sincerity, and with respect for where you are right at this moment. Additionally, I explain things using a business analogy.

  • See yourself as a product. What do you need to do to make yourself the best product you can possibly be? In what areas of your life do you need to improve?
  • Market yourself. How to tell Dommes, “Look at me!!” – without sounding like a degenerate sitting at his computer with his pants around his ankles.
  • Close deals. How and when do you ask for a meeting? How do you act on a date with a Domme? How do you negotiate play, relationship, and other important considerations?

My goal is to help you become more of what Dommes are looking for. Simultaneously, I hope this book will improve the field of candidates that Dominant women face, and lessen the frustration they experience from sorting through page after page of insulting messages and approaches.

I wrote this book from the heart, with the intent on helping more people find the happiness they have been seeking. It’s my hope that this book will help submissive men who haven’t been able to attract a Domme, learn from others’ and their own mistakes, and to ultimately experience the connection and joy that Mistress Oasis and I have experienced over the years.

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Does Your “Dream Domme” Exist? – Reasonable Expectations

One thing that stands out in many online comments and messages offered by men claiming to be submissive is a lack of understanding of one major reality – Dommes are human beings.

A frightening number of “subs” hold a mystical, even surreal view of what Dominant women are really like. Additionally, they seem to hold very unrealistic ideals of what submitting to such a woman would entail.

It would seem that most of these men enter the online arena with a preconceived mental image of Dommes as being perfectly shaped, perfectly groomed, leather-clad vixens who are constantly on the prowl for the next horny sub to come into their lair to be stripped and “punished.” (Of course the “punishments” always consist of the sub’s favorite fantasy activities.) In these men’s minds, Dommes are always ready for the next scene, always expecting “proper” protocol and demeanor from subs, and always have a whip in hand, just in case.

In my book, FemDom Dating – The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women, I call this mental image the “Fantasy Dominatrix.”

The reality is that Dominant women, when you meet them, don’t outwardly appear any different than every other woman you’ve ever met. This is so important for you to remember if you are a single submissive male trying to meet Dominant women online. These women, Dominant as they may be, have no desire to play the “Mistress/slave” game until they have gotten to know a sub – very, very well.

Dominant women come in all shapes and sizes, and all types of personalities. They have good days and bad days. They have jobs, car payments, children, family issues, health issues, rent, and morning breath – just like everyone else  in the world.

If you keep this in mind, you’ll realize just how silly it is to “approach” these women online with stereotypical “submissive” grovelling, overly wordy proclamations of your submissiveness and desires, and dramatic terms of endearment like “Goddess” or “Mistress.”

Reality of D/s Relationships

In the same context, men also jump online with a skewed view of what it’s actually like to be in a Female led relationship.

I won’t lie to you. In my relationship as Mistress Oasis’ submissive, I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I never experienced in any vanilla relationship. Even in my relationships as a Top and a switch, I never came close to the overall jubilance I experience as a collared sub.

But, it’s not all nudity, bondage, whippings, and CBT. In fact, there’s not nearly as much of that as outsiders may think. We have a business and we work – hard. We have a home to keep up with. I have family, she has family. Life issues come up. Money issues come up. Health issues come up. Most of the time, we operate more as partners than we do as Mistress and slave.

I’m strong willed and outspoken. So is she. Often, we have to work things out as equals. I know there are some relationships in which “Her” word is always the last on any given subject. But, our relationship is a little more balanced. It doesn’t make me a “bad” sub or her a bad Domme. It’s just what works for us.

What kind of D/s relationship will work for you is something that will take time, effort, and communication with the Domme who lets you in someday. And, it won’t be 24/7 of her “commanding” you, and you obeying. It just doesn’t work like that.

Understanding these realities, and keeping them in mind as you craft your messages and ask questions on group forums, will help you stand above the ocean of creeps, wankers, perverts, and losers calling themselves “submissives,” and will demonstrate to Dommes that you truly have submission in your heart.

Yes, your perfect Domme is out there. But, you’ll probably be surprised at how little she resembles your “fantasy Dominatrix.”

 

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Why I Chose Submission

Over the last several years of my life, I’ve had several friends both inside and outside of the BDSM community tell me that I’ve never seemed happier than I do now.

As I’ve written in my book – “Energy and BDSM,” I’ve been “kinky” as far back as I remember. Seriously. Long before I learned why little boys and little girls had different body parts and how babies were made, my young, innocent little mind swirled with macabre images of bondage and torment. Sometimes, I was the tormentor. Other times, I was the one shackled to a wall with an evil woman doing painful and lewd things to me while laughing viciously, and enjoying herself the entire time.

My little, pre-pubescent psyche was, as of yet, unencumbered by sexual understanding, pornography, or masturbatory urges. However, in those strange fantasies of torture and sadism, the consenting victim was consistently naked, emotionally hopeless, and spiritually broken – even though I was too young to have described those psychological states the way I can now. And, the villain would always take some time to focus on the most private and vulnerable parts of their prey, adding to the horror of the suffering captive.

I was also, by nature, the little kid who wanted to help everyone. Doing things for other people simply made me feel good. But, what also made me feel good was adventure and taking chances. Getting myself into situations that frightened me, and then overcoming them, gave me a strong sense of satisfaction – and probably took an extra 10 years off my parents’ lives.

That desire for helping others has followed me throughout my life, evidenced by my career choices and work ethic. I’ve always chosen work that 1) was based on self sacrifice in the interest of protecting or caring for others and 2) had an element of serious risk if mistakes were made. Interestingly enough, those jobs also came with the requirement of being able to control circumstances, other people, and myself.

So, it only seemed natural when I found the first outlet for my unique tastes in my late teens (my girlfriend suggested I tie her up and “have my way” with her) that I took the “Dominant” role. And, I enjoyed it. Having a willing “victim” to ravage was everything I’d imagined it to be. I was quick to understand the responsibility that came with that privilege as well. Entering into the “public” realm of practicing BDSM groups reinforced and enhanced my understanding with concepts like “SSC,” safety techniques, and detailed communication.

It wasn’t long, however, before I asked that she reverse the roles and treat me to some bondage and pain. She reluctantly agreed, and I can say that I understood right away that masochism and being restrained held a far different satisfaction for me that easily rivaled what I got from my sadistic endeavors. I tried to be careful, however, not to push too far because my girlfriend (who later became my wife) was clearly not an enthusiastic sadist. Looking back now, I realize she wasn’t really a sadist at all. Unfortunately, as cautious as I was, I was not always successful in not pushing too far for her – and it did cause some waves in the marriage. We divorced after several years. Not because of the kinky stuff, but due to other factors in daily life.

I spent several years switching. But, it was always with someone who was either primarily a submissive or a switch. And, honestly, I never really “submitted” to anyone. I “bottomed” as a masochist. I still enjoyed topping, and primarily lived that role. A good friend once told me that, having watched me in several scenes and in both roles, that I was the only person she knew whom she would call a “true” switch. She said that it was obvious that I was equally passionate, regardless of which role I was in.

It wasn’t until much later, when I first played with a good friend who was strictly a Domme, that I found something “deeper.” I can honestly say I was nervous going in, because I had convinced myself over the years that I was not a submissive. I enjoyed bottoming and masochism, but the one thing that frightened me the most was letting go of all control, and fully giving into someone else’s desires, with no expectations of what I would get out of the venture. I describe this experience in great detail in my book. But, for brevity here, let me just say that entering into the situation I feared the most is exactly where the magic happened for me.

Yes, we negotiated first. We talked extensively. She had me clearly define my limits, my fantasies, and my fears. Then, once the time and place was set, she made perfectly clear to me that – although she was going to respect my limits and keep me safe – I was going to be there to serve her needs. Any rewards or pleasure I would receive would be fully within her discretion.

Sex and orgasm were off the table. This would be a 100% service, submission, and pain experience for me. When the appointed evening began, I was scared, excited, and determined all at the same time. Once the evening was over and I was curled up at her feet, massaging her calves and marveling at the new universe my head was floating around in – I realized I’d found that utopia I’d daydreamed about so many years ago as a young, innocent, untouched soul. After a few more experiences like that, I realized that surrender and loss of control is what I wanted – and I wanted to experience it as deeply as possible.

After a few years of doing this on a strictly platonic level with sadistic Domme friends, I met Mistress Oasis. It was she that introduced a new ingredient to the mix – love and adoration. I can now say I’m officially addicted. I’m in love with her. I love serving her. I love showing her my appreciation in as many ways as I can each day. But, for me, nothing quite compares to the all-enveloping experience of being bound, stripped of all defenses and rights of protest (except for a safe-word), and hurt … all the time knowing that behind the maniacal, deviant smile of my sadistic tormentor lies a heart that melts a little more with every mark she makes, and every squirming moan she draws out of me.

Yeah, I was a good Top, and a good switch. But, it was in letting go and submitting that I finally found my true fulfillment. I haven’t topped in years and, to be quite honest, I’ve never been happier.

 

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Delayed Rewards

Submissive males, here’s some advice that could prove invaluable to you:
Set aside your overbearing desire for sex – and you just might wind up having better sexual experiences that you’ve ever dared dream of.

In my book, ENERGY and BDSM, I discuss energy between BDSM practitioners, how to become more aware of your own energy, and ways to enhance that energy connection between partners in a BDSM environment. Since my start in the 90’s I’ve spent many years performing scenes at clubs and dungeons that had “No Penetration” and “No Bodily Fluids” rules, so early on I got to learn to appreciate the joy and intensity of an S/M scene without expectations of sex or orgasm – and I started out as a Top! Whenever I was not partnered in life with someone, I had a lot more play without sex than I would actually have sex itself. I always chased the “head high” of the experience, along with the energy connection with the person I was playing with at any given moment.

That’s not to say that I’m “a-sexual” or not very sexually driven or what-not. Hell, I LOVE sex. And I love orgasms. But I knew how to shelve that and enjoy a scene with a beautiful naked woman in front of me without constantly being focused on her or my genital or desire to get laid. That in itself had payoffs, as I gained a reputation as “that guy” who club managers and dungeon owners would recommend to any new ladies who might be there on their first visit and want to experiment, but didn’t know how or – more importantly – with whom to play. Being known as a Top who didn’t take himself too seriously, would stay well within limits, and never tried to take advantage of a sub or bottom gave me even more play opportunities.

I’ve always preached that “This is not just sex.” I used to get so disgusted at people who couldn’t get past the naked imagery and the raw arousal quality of what we kinksters do. But, as I’m older, I realize that for some that’s as deep as BDSM or D/s will ever go and there is no interest in seeing anything more in it. They’re not “bad.” They just aren’t interested in experiencing anything deeper than an orgasm.

However, for you guys who identify for real as one who gains his happiness when making someone else happy, one of the first things you must learn is to regulate the flames of sexual desire for the purpose of attaining a place within your higher calling. I didn’t say give up on sex, or totally deny yourself sex. I said REGULATE. The Dommmes I’ve known far prefer to control a man who is already in control of himself.

It is not a losing proposition. Let me tell you what you stand to gain. Having those above-stated qualities can attract some very strong, sophisticated, and caring women to you. Turning your focus from sex to simply pleasing a woman without expectations can lead to very meaningful relationships. this can lead to falling in love. I’m here to tell you that sex with a strong, intelligent, dominant and caring woman that you are madly and helplessly in love with is an experience like no other. Your wildest visually oriented sex fantasies come nowhere close to what is felt when there is a heart connection.

I am desperately in love with my incredible Mistress, who also loves me. That alone makes the service better. It makes the naked vulnerability better. It makes the pain better. And when she orders me to “Get on that bed!” – what follows is a body, mind and HEART experience that has been known to almost render me unconscious at times.

Guys – it all begins with focusing on her.

 

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It’s Not Easy

This lifestyle is not easy. Being a submissive is not easy. Being a Dominant is not easy. Incorporating this stuff into general life is not easy. I believe the fact that Mistress Oasis and I (and thousands of others around the globe) go through the rigors and challenges required to be able to incorporate this lifestyle into our daily lives is a testament to how powerful a thing this lifestyle truly is, once you let it become more than just a really intense way to have sex.

In “ENERGY and BDSM,” I give the reader a peek into our lives. However, there are things I don’t discuss. Quite simply, Mistress Oasis and I do not wish for every detail of our lives to be on display. Everybody prefers to have some level of privacy in their lives.

However, here’s a little more of what’s behind the curtain:

Although we are two consenting adults, and are in a better position than many out there to follow our hearts and live this lifestyle to the hilt, the reality is that there are still limitations and hurdles. Since we run a business in the vanilla world, there are demands on our time and resources. As much as we do infuse our dynamic into our daily lives to the extent possible, we simply are not free to be entirely “us” 100% of the time.

As a submissive, I cannot act or speak naturally at all times. I have a strong personality – I’m a fixer, a trouble shooter, a straight talker. I’m constantly at battle with myself not to be overbearing in my speech or action because I want and need to be in a place that is subservient to her. However, I’m trusted to be decisive and bold in my responsibilities to the business. For efficiency’s sake, there is scant room for me to have to ask permission for each decision I make. When focused and intent, my words can sometimes be quick and sharp.  I try to balance that part of me with the man in me who is most at peace when kneeling at her feet. But, having been a survivor in the real world for so long, it’s a challenge to soften that edge of my personality. It simply comes too naturally.

Mistress Oasis is strong and bold – caring little of what others say or think about what she does or says. Many a fool in her past made the dire mistake of telling her that she wouldn’t amount to anything. They only succeeded in lighting a fire in her that still burns today. If they really wanted to accomplish destroying her will, perhaps they should have kept repeating, “You’re a wonderful person and everyone loves you just the way you are…” But, they didn’t tell her that. So, she set about hammering her mark into the world and her success has far surpassed that of all her nay-sayers.

I love her because she beat back all of her detractors simply by putting the pedal down and moving full speed ahead. But, she’s not a stone. She has a heart that never seems to run out of space for those she cares for. She’s one of those who has taken in a lot of strays. Not animals – people. While I’m a “fixer,” she is a “healer.” She wants to heal those who seem to have been cast aside by the world. (Maybe there is something in that heart that wants to heal all the people who have heard too many of the same things she was told for so long.) I’m in love with this part of her, too.

Being a Dominant is no easier than being a submissive. I know that she is constantly balancing a desire to completely control me with an equally strong desire not to hurt me or make me feel unloved. It is that real concern for me and my wellness that draws me in deeper. Some may say that she isn’t “dominant enough” because she cares too much about my happiness. There are too many out there saying, “It’s all about me. You serve my interests and yours don’t matter.”  I know that’s a nice fantasy but it would be a very empty life, I think – unless one was a pathological narcissist. Yeah…dream on, Ye frosty Queens of the ice regions!

It’s that balance we try to keep that makes this hard. So much easier our lives would be if we simply made this something that we do for a great fuck! However, that’s not who we are. These “roles” come to us too naturally. And, too often we have to “shelve” our real selves because life requires that we attend to it.

I’m quick to point out to people that it’s impossible to be in our BDSM mindset 24/7, no matter what anyone claims to have. I’m also the first to regret that reality. Perhaps that’s why the Gor books were so popular. I read a couple of them out of curiosity, but have always been skeptical of those who try with all of their might to emulate a work of fiction in their own lives. But, I see where such a world in which naked slaves are led through the streets, used, and sold at a whim can be so very intriguing – maybe even to a point of obsession.

The reality is that incorporating D/s and sadomasochism regularly into our lives takes work, and balance. It takes understanding and empathy. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen all by itself. But, I know that this is who I am. I love the one who holds my key and I’ll be happy with however much of this I can get.