How much of a “slave” can one be in a consensual relationship?
As I’m bouncing around the internet to market my book, I’m on all the big social sites. I like to browse around looking at other kinky people’s profiles and postings for ideas. Sometimes, I run into someone’s blog and, again, I’ll read through it to get ideas for my own here.
I’m amazed that I keep finding people who pontificate over the concept of total ownership, complete control, absolute and unmitigated submission – and “no safe words.” (No, this will not be a finger-wagging post about safety…read on.)
In the interest of full-disclosure, I chose to call myself “Slave Dragos” because it sounds really cool – a lot better than “Submissive Dragos.” I even start my book “ENERGY and BDSM” with a very intriguing introduction:
“I lead a life that most only read or hear about in sordid novels or risque movies – I am a male slave.”
In fact, within a few sentences, I clarify that I’m a “submissive” for those who wish to debate such things.
Mistress Oasis refers to me as her “slave.” However, I do have and can use safe-words. My rights, feelings and needs are respected. We even have this dreaded discussion from time-to-time:
“What would you like for lunch, Miss?”
“I don’t know…what are you in the mood for?”
“Makes no difference to me, Miss. Would you like some of that roast beef in the fridge?”
“Why don’t we just order something for delivery.”
“I’d be happy to, Miss…who should I call?”
“I don’t know – what do you what?”
Now, does THAT sound like slavery to you??
But, I still find these musings online by people claiming to be “slaves” and having no rights or say in anything, or by Dominants, “Masters” and “Mistresses” discussing the differences and nuances between a
“submissive” and a “slave.”
I noticed a blog last week by a woman in which the introduction said that this was a blog about her journey as a slave, who had given up everything – family, possessions, her very will to be completely owned by her Mistress. No rights, no limits, and NO SAFE WORDS!
My question would be this: Would anyone of sound mind consciously agree to such an arrangement if they didn’t believe to some extent that this person they are going to give up “everything” for is, indeed, going to respect their physical and mental needs. I mean, seriously, one makes a conscious decision to serve this person for certain <i>reasons<i>. Something about that person is attracting the “slave” to this arrangement. Would anyone truly agree to “give up their will” if they did not expect some psychological reward from the act? Is that “slavery.”
Examining the “No Safe Words” claim of such arrangements, I find even more fantasy rather than rationality. I think most people associate safe words with sadistic activity, the basic rule of thumb being, “If it’s bad pain and not good pain, use your safe word.” However, I can use a safe word (or explanation in plain terms) even to stop non-sadistic activity. One of my staunch hard limits is humiliation in front of others. I absolutely do not wish to be the butt of everyone’s humor, especially when already in the vulnerable state of submission, nudity…everything that comes from being the sub in a scene. In the safety of private play, I truly let myself go and there is little that Mistress Oasis could say or do to me that I wouldn’t embrace if I knew it pleased her. But, that primal part of me is hers, and hers alone to witness and exploit for her
pleasure. So, it is possible for me to safe-word if we were in a public scene and I felt that things were moving toward a humiliation aspect. But, she knows me well enough to never humiliate me in public. Nor would she want to.
I can see where, if I were a “real slave,” I might not be permitted to change the direction of a scene if it became humiliating. But, why would I be there and endure it if that were the case? Well, I can imagine that, for some, the very notion of enduring something that they genuinely don’t enjoy for the sake of their owner’s pleasure is – in itself – a rewarding experience. Indeed, I think every real submissive has a level of martyrdom in him/her. (By “real” submissive, I refer to the difference between one who submits because
they derive pleasure from pleasing their Dominant versus those who act in submissive ways for their own sexual satisfaction.)
With that established, let’s look at “No Limits” and “No Safe Words” through the prism of physical sadistic activity. Since giving up being a switch, and embracing submission fully, I’ve pushed myself way beyond what I ever thought I could take pain-wise on several occasions. I’ve personally been in that place where the pain is no longer “good,” I’m no longer turned on by it, and it hurts like hell – and yet I consciously and rationally choose not to call a safe word to stop or de-escalate the activity.
WHY?? The answer lies in that connection I have with Mistress Oasis and my love for her. I may be miserable at that time. But, I know that this is the moment where her heart melts and she falls in love with me all over again. Something about seeing me cringing, shivering and quaking – clearly in “endurance” mode – allowing her to strike with all her might, really pushes her buttons, and brings us to a place of deep love and adoration. I want that. So, who am I really a slave to? I believe at that moment I’m a slave to myself, as I’m the one denying myself the rescue that could easily be invoked with a safe-word.
What about the “slave” with no safe word? Are they not in the same head space as I’m in? But now, what happens if the “no safe word” slave realizes that an actual injury has occurred? Are we to believe that these slaves’ expectation is that their owners have the absolute right to continue on with a scene in such a case? And, to say, “Well, my Master would stop if he knew I was injured…” doesn’t really jibe with the whole “no safe-word” theme, does it? Wouldn’t saying ,”Oh SHIT! I think my kidney just ruptured!” or “OW! My right nut just suddenly got really, really painful!” count as “SAFE-WORDS?”
Or, would the “No Limits” slave actually be fine with their owner replying with “Hey, this is what you signed up for. I’m having fun…deal with it.” ??
I’ve also heard the argument, “I obey fully and have no say in anything my Master does, but I know he wouldn’t do anything to really hurt or damage me.” Okay, well that means the “slave” has given up their rights and choices under certain agreed conditions – mainly that Master won’t cross certain lines nor
breach certain limits. OOPS, there’s that pesky “L-word” again! And, if Master does decide to ignore those conditions, what is the “slave’s” recourse. Well, here in the USA, that person ultimately has the right to pack their shit and say “ADIOS.” At that point, if Master endeavors to restrain that person, or prevent their departure, then we have criminal laws to deal with that. Hey, look at how many news stories have surfaced in the last 10 years about women who signed “slave contracts,” and later sued or filed criminal charges against their Master.
I have no problem with anyone who calls themselves “slave,” “submissive,” “bottom,” “kajira,” – whatever. Again, Mistress Oasis and I use “Slave” and “Submissive” interchangably. But, when I see someone figuratively beating their chest as they pontificate on how they are a total slave, with no rights, no safe words, and no will of their own, I cannot help but wonder if they know just how unrealistic their claims are.