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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 4 – The CB6000

CB6000 – This is one of the most popular chastity cages around. It’s not exactly the best cage. But, it is a good combination of price, fair quality, and versatility.

The CB6000 is offered by CB-X, and they’ve been around for awhile.  The basic models of this cage are made entirely of plastic. The most common model they sell is clear, but they also offer some various colored versions and even a couple of cages formed out of metal.

Mistress Oasis helps showcase my CB6000. This is the 3 inch cage with a regular padlock.

A basic package includes five different sized base rings, the cage section (the tube your cock goes into), and connecting pins and spacers to adjust the gap between the cage and ring. It’s a great cage for getting started because of the different sizes you can experiment with to establish what works best for you. Some guys actually stick with the CB-X cages for full-time wear. One of the nice things about the CB-X cages is that, if you have to go through any metal detectors, the plastic cage will not set them off (considering you don’t use a metal lock.) In fact, they even offer plastic locks to ensure this. These are one time only locks that have to be cut off. They are serial numbered, in case trust is an issue.

The 3 inch CB6000 with plastic, disposable lock. Click on the image for a video demonstration. (Video will open in a new window for PornHub)

This cage is lightweight. It’s all plastic, unless you opted for one of their chrome tube sections. It requires that you assemble six separate pieces to lock it on. Once you get the knack of putting the pieces together, the cage goes on and comes off pretty easily. And, I cannot say that it isn’t a comfortable cage. I opted for a package with a 3 inch tube as opposed to the 2 ½ inch tube. I felt the shorter tube would scrunch me up too much. With the right sized ring and the right sized spacers, it was snug and comfortable.

OUCHIE!!

However, the first problem I discovered was the fact that when I got an erection, my cock pushed forward on the tube. The tube was connected to the base ring. When the base ring slid forward, it would pull and stretch my balls painfully. Wearing a larger base ring would make it easier for it to slide up and squish my balls within their sack. Trying a slightly smaller base ring resulted in less sliding. But, it would also cut off the circulation at the base of my penis, causing it to turn purple and my balls to turn dark, and hurt badly within minutes of an erection.

Tied down with the CB6000 3 inch cage – ready for play!

 

Secondly, I discovered the urination issues. Working in a large office building with large restrooms and lots of people running around, I quickly realized that standing up at a urinal was no longer going to be an option for me. Each time I went to piss, I had to manipulate the head of my cock to line up with the slot at the end of the cage. I have a natural curve and, after several hours of sitting at a computer with everything shriveled up in “office mode,” things would become a little cock-eyed within the cage. I couldn’t very well stand at a urinal four and five times a day fiddling with my caged trouser snake each time, trying to get things lined up. So, urination became a sitting event for me.

One time, when I was in a hurry, I decided to just go ahead and stand at the urinal. I had on a suit with a coat, which blocked my view of the caged beast. “No worries,” I decided, and let go the flow. It wasn’t until I felt the warmth spreading around my left thigh that I realized that my pee-hole and the cage’s pee-hole weren’t aligned just right. A steady portion of the piss was dribbling along the bottom of the cage, back up the cage – literally defying gravity – and soaking into the front of my grey trousers. I had a giant, unmistakable wet stain from my crotch to half-way down my thigh. I spent 20 minutes in a handicapped stall trying to dry the spot with paper towels, and by furiously waving my hands in front of them. Once it seemed dry enough, I went to my boss, with my briefcase in front of me, and told her I was feeling ill, and had to go home. That was the last time I’ve ever stood to urinate in a public restroom with a cage on.

This is a 2 1/2 inch CHROME cage we got for the CB6000. We modified it for electric play. You can click on the image for a short video. (Video will open in a new window for PornHub)

Cleaning the CB6000 was a chore as well. I have a 6 guage PA piercing. I’m NEVER able to pee without some dribbling going on. Even with stuffing toilet paper into the urination slot after each trip to the toilet, a little drip here and a little drip there stays in the cage and dries. You can imagine what the smell gets like by the end of the day. (Sexy, huh?)

I found advice on a male chastity site that said to use Q-tips to get inside and clean the penis. So, each evening in the shower, I’d wet and soap up the Q-tip, insert it up through the pee slot, and swab it around inside the tube. The Q-tip would quickly become flimsy and unusable. So, I’d have to continue with another, and another. Then I had to use yet another Q-tip to insert into the tube and press against my penis to allow water to flow through the cage to rinse it out. I became fairly good at this, and could get everything cleaned up using about 6 Q-tips. But then, how to dry myself inside a plastic tub?? Well, more Q-tips, of course. I’d insert dry Q-tips one at a time and swirl them around inside the cage between my skin and the plastic. It usually took about 6 more Q-tips (both ends) to get everything dry. I later found these little items that helped the cleaning process immensely. They are narrower than Q-tips, and the heads are made of foam rather than spun cotton, so they don’t fall apart. But, Q-tips still work best for drying.

I had a couple of unique experiences with the CB6000 at work. One day, as I was walking quickly down a long hallway filled with people, my 6 gauge titanium PA ring managed to position itself just right so that it swayed back and forth inside the plastic cage with each step. It created a crisp and clearly audible “CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK” as I hustled down the hallway. Another issue I had with my piercing was that it would occasionally trap a tiny bit of the tip of my cock between the ring and the plastic of the cage, causing a painful pinch.

My most horrifying experience was after I’d decided to stop wearing underwear to reduce the ball crushing I had to endure from the base ring every time I sat down. I was standing one morning at my boss’ desk, who was a female, discussing some strategies on a project I was managing. About ten minutes into the conversation, I happened to look down, and noticed that my pants were just snug enough to present a perfect outline of my cage. Looking at the CB6000, you can see that the tube is shaped exactly like a penis – complete with a large, bulbous head at the end. It didn’t look like a bulge. It didn’t look like I’d stuffed a sock in my pants. It looked like the unmistakable outline of A COCK pressing against the fabric of my business pants! (although I did get another raise in pay very soon thereafter. I wonder…….)

The final straw with the CB6000 for me was when I started feeling a very sharp pain on the underside of my penis, right near the base. I discovered that the seam running down the middle of the cage had begun to split. It was trapping my skin in the tiny space between the two halves of the cage, and actually causing a cut. So, we began looking for a new style of cage.

None of this is to say that the CB6000 is a bad cage. I’m just sharing my experiences with it. I think if you are starting out with chastity, and don’t want to drop over $200 for one of the custom metal cages just yet, it’s a great starter. You can get the full package from CB-X for $150.00. That will supply you with everything you need to experiment with different rings and spacers to see what combination works best – or if it works for you at all. You can purchase additional cage sections of different sizes and colors – including pink or camo, if that’s your thing. You can even add plastic “spikes” that poke into your shaft when you get hard, and various other accessories.

There was one other feature I liked. I’m a bit of a survival/prepper type guy. No, I don’t live in a bunker under the house or anything like that. But, I constantly maintain awareness of my surroundings and regularly have mental plans for what I’d do if something bad occurred. No, I don’t wander around all day worrying. I just play an ongoing game of “what if.” Anyway, at that time I was working in a major urban/metropolitan area, and had to commute an hour each way. This was at a time when we were having a lot of bombings, mass shootings, civil unrest and racial violence throughout the US. If I got stuck inside the city in a bad situation, the last thing I wanted was my cock and balls all confined in a plastic trap. The CB6000 can be completely removed in an emergency by cutting the end off the plastic center pin. This was a comfort, because I could leave home without any emergency key (more on that in the next section), and still be assured that, with the pocket knife I carry everywhere I go, I could get myself out of the cage if I had to.

The most helpful tip for someone considering the CB6000 would be to arrange to remove the cage for showering each day. It makes cleaning so much easier. Why didn’t I do it that way? Well, Mistress Oasis and I had already decided that our goal in all this was to achieve “24/7” wear for me, with the cage only coming off when she decides to use my cock for her pleasure. From what I’ve studied of the male chastity lifestyle, there are lots of guys out there who share the same desire to remove the cage as little as possible. But, keeping things clean down there is very important. Perhaps a couple can establish a protocol where the Domme unlocks the cage before the sub showers, and replaces it immediately after he towels off.

<<< BACK TO PART 3                                                          PART 5 >>>

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 3 – The Banana Bird-Cage

The “Banana Bird Cage” is a cheap, good quality cage for playtime. But it’s a little to large for everyday wear, unless you’re a really large guy.

The Banana Bird Cage – At least that’s my name for it. This was the first cage I began wearing regularly for play with Mistress Oasis. It’s one of the cheaper “One Size Fits All” models found on many adult toy sites, Amazon, and scores of other online shopping outlets. It can go by a number of names and variations. It’s a “one size fits all” cage because it’s made so big that most guys with anything less than a 10 inch schlong can get it into this cage. Larger guys will just have to cram it in kind of tight. Smaller guys will dangle somewhere inside without the head touching the end. The particular one that I’m pictured in here is actually not bad quality. It belonged to Mistress Oasis when I met her, and she doesn’t remember where she got it. They can run anywhere from $12.00 to $30.00, depending on where you look and what country the one you choose originates from.

Note the “scalloped” look of the head when I’m hard inside the “Bird Cage.” This was a favorite feature for Mistress Oasis.

Again, for being cheap, it’s not a bad cage – for play and maybe short-term fun wear. It will lock you up, prevent you from masturbating yourself to orgasm, and it looks pretty cool, too. Mistress Oasis especially liked how the head of my cock would bulge through the bars when I got hard. This was the cage I wore for a couple of days to determine if I would be interested in actually engaging in long term lock-up.  The very first thing I noticed was that this cage created a large, banana-shaped bulge in my pants. Yeah, I know – how is that a problem? Well, this bulge was ridiculous. It looked very much like I’d stuffed a sock down my leg. So, I knew that this cage would not be appropriate for work, or even wandering around in general public. But, I did realize that I was comfortable with the idea of wearing a cage long term. We discussed finding a more practical cage. We decided on the CB6000 from CBX.com.

<<<BACK TO PART 2                                                       PART 4 >>>

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 2 – Not Rocket Science, But Close

Maybe you’re reading this as a guy wanting to be caged yourself. Or maybe you’re already a caged male looking to see how my experience compares with yours. Perhaps you are a woman considering chastity for your own man. Whatever your reason for reading this, all I’m offering are my experiences and my reasons for being caged. Each man or couple who are involved in chastity do it for their own reasons.

I don’t wear my cage to prevent infidelity. I don’t have a problem with infidelity. I don’t wear it to prevent masturbation, either. Some guys wear a cage to see how long they can “survive” without having an orgasm. That’s not me. Others wear one because of the constant sense of arousal they get from it. My arousal comes at the hands of my Mistress, not my cage.

For me, the cage is the symbol of my love and devotion to Mistress Oasis. In fact, she refers to it as my wedding ring. My orgasms are hers, and she’s not stingy with me. In fact, she enjoys making me climax. It’s control. We don’t try for marathon stretches of orgasm denial. In fact, I care less about orgasms than I do about receiving pain and spending time in subspace. I can be tortured for hours with no orgasm – and be perfectly content. So, the idea of orgasm denial is kind of lost on me. But, she loves to see my body yield to her in that way. She enjoys watching me lose control at her hands, so I’m never orgasm deprived.

I can’t wear a collar 24/7. I don’t want a tattoo that says “property of” anyone – even though I do consider myself her property. My cage, locked and unlocked exclusively by her, is our chosen sign of my love, devotion, dedication, and servitude to Mistress Oasis. She loves how it looks. She loves the control it gives her. She loves the meaning and the symbolism it holds.

The bottom line of male chastity is this: for us men, the penis is a juggernaut. It defines our “maleness.” Masculine men fear losing it. Even “sissies” and cross dressers focus on their penises for the source of their pleasure. It makes us “men.” Look at the overwhelming array of treatments advertised today for erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and “low testosterone.” Involuntarily losing the penis or its functionality is a fear most men share deep inside.

With that thought in mind, we can understand the profoundness of male chastity. Giving up free control of the penis evokes powerful emotions. The feeling of having our manhood encased in some rigid apparatus draws our attention to it. Having the choice of touching it or not touching it taken away evokes many primal feelings. Not being allowed the freedom to produce our own orgasms at will causes most men a fair bit of anxiety. Oh, yes, it’s always in the back of all our minds, at some level.

So, we invent devices that deny us access to that thing which makes us men – at least temporarily. Like other types of bondage, it allows us to feel that loss of control, that helplessness, even a sense of desperation. But, we do it in a safe environment. For those going it alone, they explore this mindscape with the reassurance that rescue is only as far away as the key or something that can cut away a plastic lock. For those of us with a keyholder, our safety net is the trust we hold in that person to release us if we ever declare that we truly cannot stand it anymore. That trust can evoke feelings and sentiments that become equally as strong as the anxieties awakened by surrendering free will over our manhood. In fact, the trust and love I have for Mistress Oasis is stronger than I’ve ever had for anyone else in my life.

However, the act of encasing one’s penis in metal or plastic creates its own plethora of challenges. Putting a cage on for awhile during a scene normally brings with it no ill effects or inconveniences. But, when the decision is made to wear one for extended periods, challenges arise.

Fit – If a cage is a little big or a little too small during play, it’s no big deal. But, an ill-fitting cage manifests itself as an uncomfortable burden within a few hours. And, getting a cage that fits “properly” is not easy. The penis doesn’t stay the same size all day long. It grows, it shrinks, and it even shrivels. Many cages rely on the balls and scrotum to keep them in place. But, those don’t even stay the same. They loosen and tighten throughout the day. This is why many men who pursue the practice of male chastity wind up going through multiple brands and styles of cages. And, just because one <i>appears<i> to be just what you are looking for online, you can never predict what flaws you’ll find in the design until you get it, and put it on. There are many things to consider – length, girth, curvature, construction material, gap between a base ring and the cage, locking method, assembly, pinch points, weight, oval verses round base ring, etc. The list goes on and on.

Hygiene– Have you ever had to wear a cast? How did it smell after a couple of weeks? Well, a man’s genitals sweat just like an arm or a leg does. Base rings collect dead skin and substances that emit through the skin’s pores throughout the day. The CB3000 type cages, made of plastic, are well known for building up a lot of humidity inside. It is possible to clean chastity cages without removing them, but it is time consuming and takes some effort.

Urination – Unfortunately, to entrap the source of your sexual arousal in a cage also means that you must entrap a very practical appendage in a cage. I’m going to discuss this a lot, because it is an everyday reality that you will have to deal with if you wear a cage long term. You urinate through your penis, which is now in a cage. Most manufacturers include some sort of opening or slot at the tip of their cages to allow for urination. However, pissing with a cage on is never, never anywhere similar to pissing without one. You can’t “shake” clean with a cage on. And, depending on the style of cage, there is never a clean, steady stream. You kind of spray in an unpredictable pattern. And often, some of it dribbles down along the bottom of the cage. If you have a PA piercing, it exacerbates this effect. A lot of cages have a downward curvature, making a straight-forward aim toward a stand-up urinal almost impossible. Often, sitting to urinate becomes your only option for making sure you don’t soak your pants.

Conceal-ability – Almost all of the manufacturers out there will advertise that their cages will “disappear” under your clothing. Maybe so, if you wear combat fatigues. But, I know from personal experience that business clothes and jeans can easily outline the thing that you are trying to hide down there. And, if you’ve ever used a public men’s room, you know that usually those partitions between urinals don’t really prevent anyone from seeing what you’ve got down there. And, just how much fiddling and fumbling can you do while trying to get the apparatus back in your pants before someone starts to wonder just what you’re doing with your junk over there?

Comfort– Even after finding the “perfect” fit – the real test has not yet begun. A cage feels much different when you are naked than it does when it’s tucked into a pair of pants and you are sitting, squatting, kneeling down, or lying on your stomach if you are a handyman like me. Every different position with clothes on presses and shoves the cage in one direction or another. Skin can get pinched between the clothing and the cage. Sitting for long periods can press the edges of the cage into skin, causing discomfort over time. One thing I hated about wearing cages with base rings is how my balls continually got smashed up against the inside of my trousers whenever I sat.

All of these challenges, and still there are lots of us men who choose to do it anyway. None of what I’ve discussed above is to disparage male chastity itself, but only to shed light on the challenges we face once we start down that road. In my next installment of this series, I’ll begin to describe the various cages I’ve tried, along with the characteristics I found to be positive and negative.

<<< BACK TO PART 1                                         PART 3>>>

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Trials and Lessons of Male Chastity- Part 1

Note: In this series, I’ve posted links to videos that Mistress Oasis and I made to demonstrate various cages. Due to WordPress’s limited reliability concerning video file hosting (slow/buffering), I had the videos uploaded to Porn Hub. If you do not wish to have your computer navigate to Porn Hub, please DO NOT click on any images that indicate a video file. Each such link is specifically identified in its caption.


This 8 part series of blog posts chronicles my experiences with male chastity within a Female Led Relationship. I wanted to share with my readers what I’ve learned after having tried various “cages,” and expound on the realities of wearing a cage long-term versus the fantasy images that many guys have concerning being “locked.” This will include reviewing several examples of how wearing a cage affects your everyday life in ways you may have never even thought of. And, let’s face it – this is a great excuse to post a bunch of pictures of my cock without them really qualifying as “dick pics!” Right??

So, let’s get started.

Brief History– For many years, I had no desire to have my cock “caged.” In fact, I’m not even sure I was overtly aware of the existence of cock cages until only about seven years ago. I remember a girlfriend bringing up the idea, and explaining the concept of putting something on my dick that would completely cover and “lock” it. I remember thinking – and saying – “What the fuck would I want to do that for?”

A couple of years later, I was in service to “Mistress X,” whom I talk about in Energy and BDSM.” She had me tidying up her toy closet one day. (Yes, besides a play room, she had an ENTIRE CLOSET just for toys!) I found a CB3000 cage amongst the toys. I showed it to her, and asked if she’d ever caged a sub for extended periods before. She said she had on a few occasions. We discussed the subject broadly, and my curiosity began to stir about what it would be like to wear one long term, which I communicated to her. (At that point, “long term” in my mind equated to about a week or so.) However, she didn’t jump at the opportunity. Instead, she explained that it was a big decision, and not a simple thing to be caged. She offered to discuss it later, depending on how I did showing my submission in other ways.

About a month later, after an evening of play, Mistress X asked if I’d like to try wearing the cage overnight as I slept. (I spent weekends with Mistress X, and slept in the guest room – our relationship was non-sexual.) I agreed to try it. I recall being somewhat apprehensive, somewhat excited, and somewhat curious. We put the cage on and she placed a lock in the retaining post, but did not secure it. It was entirely up to me that night whether the cage stayed on or came off.

It was an interesting evening, indeed. In one sense, there was nothing really special going on. There was a plastic ring around my balls and a plastic tube encasing my cock – that’s all. However, it still kept me keenly aware of and focused on my genitals. In a way, it felt kind of sexy. And, still there was a sense of loss of my free will. I tried to imagine how I’d feel if this thing was locked, and someone else was in charge of when it came off. That idea bothered my independent, Alpha male senses.  “But, what if I were in love and owned by that woman? ,” I thought to myself in the dark.  Ahhhhhhh….that thought sparked a little more understanding. And, with some vague images of myself in a collar, lying next to a Domme who’s heart was connected to mine, and my manhood securely locked up in a cage, I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I took the cage off before going to the restroom. I cleaned and dried it, and went to the kitchen to start my day’s chores. At breakfast, Mistress X and I talked about the experience. I admitted that, indeed, it invoked a lot of feelings. I did not wear the cage again at Mistress X’s.

Fast forward a couple of years. I’d met Mistress Oasis and we had begun playing. She had one of those inexpensive “one size fits all” cages in her toy collection. We began incorporating that in our play. And, somewhere along the way, we fell in love.

This is where my journey down the male chastity path began.

>>>>>>>>>>Go To PART 2 >>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

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Getting Your Mind Right for Play

If you have been in a long-term D/s relationship for any length of time, you know that life throws us little curve balls from time to time that can affect our moods and overall enthusiasm for the play we enjoy. Of course, we all have our little practices here and there that help us stay “in role” throughout our days, right? A slave may hand her Master his cup of coffee in a certain way. Or, a Mistress may plant a kiss on her sub with her hand around his throat as a reminder of her position over him. I have my own little idiosyncrasies that I’ll throw into my everyday interactions with Mistress Oasis. But, we aren’t always in the correct mindset to drop what we’re doing and jump into a scene. If we are honest with ourselves, some of life’s little challenges can do a real number on our enthusiasm.

As I wrote about in this post, it’s perfectly okay if you’re not in a play mood. We subs and masochists rely on our mindset the most to allow us to perform in our roles. I’d say if you really cannot shake the “blahs,” or you cannot get the day’s stresses out of your head, then NOT playing is an acceptable choice.

But yesterday was Wednesday – the day that Mistress Oasis and I eagerly look forward to each week. Wednesdays are set aside as our weekly “play day.” That’s not to say that we don’t play on any other day or night. But, we have declared every Wednesday to be totally devoted to play. No matter what, we turn off the work computers. I get the play room and the rest of the house set up. Phones are turned off. All day and well into the night, we play, and love, and interact within our roles with no outside interruptions. We do nice, long, intense scenes with leisurely breaks in between. And, despite my stresses this week – yesterday was another awesome play-day with my Mistress.

If you are like me, it is difficult to just put down all the little demons in your life and keep them out of your head for several hours to indulge in BDSM play. But mindset IS crucial in our arena. And, the harder you play, the more important it is to not allow wayward thoughts into your head. Here are 5 methods I use when I want to get myself out of the emotional funk and into play mode.

  • Give yourself permission – Remind yourself and accept that all of those problems that you are worrying about will be right there waiting for you again when you are finished playing, and that it is okay to put them on the proverbial “back burner” while you enjoy yourself for a little while. If you are a sub, perhaps it would help for your Dominant to verbally confirm that you have permission to set aside your worries for a while, and enjoy your time together.
  • Schedule Play – Impromptu play and play with little warning can be fun. However, it gives you little time to mentally prepare if you are in a funk. Trying to “push through” and just perform despite your head not being in the game can really turn out bad. Just ask any masochistic sub. We feel like total failures when we have to use a safeword and make our Domme taper down the intensity. With a specific date and time established for a scene, you have more opportunity to mentally prepare and establish the necessary mindset.
  • Ritualize – Come up with routines that signify your bond with your partner. Having certain rituals you do just prior to play is a great way to condition your mind and body. You can ritualize undressing, or having cuffs placed on. I have a particular leather collar I wear for play time. Only Mistress Oasis puts it on and takes it off. I assume a position on all fours for her to do this. Ritual. When my sensory deprivation hood goes on, I kneel on the floor in front of the couch and Mistress sits down to put it on me. Ritual. Other examples can be foot or back rubs, showering or bathing each other. Maybe doing some domestic chores is your thing. Over time, your mind associates the repeated ritual acts with the sensations and emotions you experience from the play. You’ll discover that just going through the rituals will stir emotions and arousal in you before you even get started with the play.
  • Start with sex – If you’ve read either of my books, FemDom Dating or Energy and BDSM, you’ll know that I put a lot of emphasis on not making sex your primary focus in your BDSM endeavors. The rewards are well worth any “frustration” you might suffer. However, if you are with an established and regular partner, then sometimes a good roll in the hay prior to BDSM play can really get your juices flowing, and help you re-connect. But for you guys, hold back the orgasm. We tend to perform better when we’re “under tension.” I’ve had lots of Dommes proclaim that most male subs are pretty useless after a climax. I know I lose about half my pain tolerance with an orgasm. Even if I take some time for a re-charge, and play again, my pain threshold usually isn’t the same.
  • Organize the play area – This aspect sort of blurs into the “ritualize” category. Certainly the act of organizing your play area can be ritualized. But, having your play area set up can help you avoid uncomfortable pauses in play that can pull you back out of the mood. Lay toys out neatly so each can be found easily. Pre-tie your tie points. Carabiners clips from Home Depot are cheap and handy for easy on / easy off subbie restraining. Adjust any straps, buckles, slides, or snaps on any accessories that have them so there is a minimum of fumbling when it’s time to put things on.

In the end, if nothing else works, you can always conclude that your head just isn’t right for play. But there are still non-play activities you can engage in within your dynamic.  But over the years, I’ve found that, using the methods described above, I’ve gotten myself out of some pretty bad funks and enjoy some fantastic scenes.



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How My Past as a Dominant Made Me A Better Submissive

Do you feel like you are “stuck” in the role you started out in when you first entered the BDSM world? Are you craving experiences from the other side of the whip (or leash) but are worried about what your community friends, or maybe your lover, may think about you (GASP!!)…….SWITCHING??

From my experiences, there are many who come in and take up the role they believe they are meant to play. Usually, this rides along the rail of gender. Men generally take on the “Dominant” or “Top” role – women generally take on the “submissive” or “bottom” role. In contradiction to their actual cravings and desires, they take on the roles they think that they “should” occupy.

If you are one of those people, it is never too late to change your direction, and follow the path you truly feel called to. In fact, your experiences in your current role could very well have equipped you to be exceptional in your desired role. Here are some of the things that I experienced as a Dominant that really helped me later as a sub:

Being a sub is not waiting around for someone to push your ON button.

Back when I was a Dom, many of the subs I played with, and got into relationships with, had a penchant for wanting to be rather passive in their service and submission. They wanted me to tell them what to do, when to get something for me, when to strip and kneel, and what kind of play we were going to engage in. I hate micro-managing. I even dated a “slave” who had spent years being trained in protocols.

The first night she made dinner for me, she put everything on the table, then stood next to her chair with her hands behind her, waiting for me to tell her she could sit. Once seated, she then waited for me to tell her to begin eating! I’m sorry but that’s more ego stroking than I need to feel in charge of things. I should have called everything off after that night. But, I went forward into a relationship with her that eventually soured as she became unsatisfied because I didn’t give her the things she needed, (meaning, I didn’t boss her around enough).

I have to admit, I’m a “DIY” type personality. If I can do something for myself, I prefer to do it for myself rather than telling someone else to do it for me. I mean, why bother someone else when I can quickly and easily complete the task on my own, right? On the other side of the coin, I was unsatisfied because I couldn’t understand why, if she wanted to submit to me, she required a command from me to do it. Why not just do things she knew I liked to have done? In fact, even subtle things like if she had chosen to sit on the floor at my feet instead of next to me on the couch while watching TV would have won her a lot more appreciative attention (petting, stroking, even perhaps some impromptu play) rather than waiting on me to command such things.

Well, whether you feel I was right or wrong in my thinking back then, once I became a sub and began performing domestic service, I began to understand where that “slave” I dated was coming from. Indeed, it is very re-assuring to be given precise commands as to what is expected. I discovered that there is happiness in being summoned, and then commanded to perform a task. Being summoned reinforces that you and your services are desired and appreciated. The commands – any commands – can be translated to simply “Do what I’m telling you, and it will please me.” How much more motivation does anyone need??

However, at the same time, I remember my frustration from constantly feeling “expected” to dream up needs and commands to keep my sub busily “pleasing” me. So, I make it a point to be a bit more assertive with my service than I remember that sub being. I rarely ask to sit at Mistress Oasis’s feet and give her a nice massage. I just do it because I know she likes it. She hasn’t complained yet. I rush to hold doors and pull out chairs. I check on her throughout the day to see if she needs anything. It’s kind of like sales – keep asking and eventually she will say, “Yes, would you get me a ginger ale on ice?”

WIN FOR ME!! I just got a direct command from my Domme!

There are plenty of things a Dom can learn from a sub.

It’s one of the most common misconceptions in the lifestyle. Many subs expect their Doms to accurately “read” them and their reactions naturally, with little or no “road map.” I had a sub at one time who was an extreme masochist – or at least could be an extreme masochist. However, this only occurred when everything happened just so.  The atmosphere, timing, and structure of the workup had to be precise for her to get to that point where she could take vicious, welt-raising cane strikes. If I was striking too hard, too soft, too fast or too slow during her workup, she couldn’t get there. The problem was, she wasn’t willing to explain and show me exactly how hard was hard enough and how fast was fast enough and what reactions I should be looking for.

However, another sub I knew enjoyed, on occasion, having me whip and beat her as hard as I could for lengthy periods of time on her back while she’d break down crying hysterically. The first couple of times it happened, I stopped and protested, afraid I’d caused her real psychological damage. But, she told me directly to continue because she “needed” it. We later talked extensively about it and she explained that, while the pain was not “good,” being driven to that point of hysterical break down was a special kind of release for her. We also discussed what I needed to look out for while we were in that mode, because it could become quite intense. So, guided by her explanation and instructions, we were able to successfully go to that place whenever she asked me for it.

I gained a whole new understanding of the relationship between intense pain and emotional “breaking” when I later served a Domme who was quite the sadist. The first time she used a cane to drive me past the point of tears, I figured it out. It’s a whirlwind of being afraid of the next stroke coming, feeling victimized (in a good way), holding strong to a determination to successfully absorb all of the pain the sadist wants to inflict, and going deeper and deeper into a swirly, peaceful place in your mind while the tears roll down your face.

It’s all kind of wrapped up together in one incredibly wild, emotional ride that leaves you super-spent at the end. I also require a certain amount of workup to get to those super-masochistic moments. However, Mistress Oasis and I have spent lots of time discussing it, with me explaining what my various reactions to pain mean. We’ve even spent several hours with me “topping from the bottom,” guiding her in what specifically works to get me to that magical headspace. These sessions have proven to be extremely beneficial to both of us – and wound up becoming some super hot scenes. In the end, she ultimately gets to choose which of my buttons to push and where to take me in any given scene. But, thanks to her willingness to let me guide her occasionally, she now knows exactly what those buttons are, and how to manipulate them.

Whatever role you may be in now, you have specific experiences. Once you experience those things from the other side of the leash, new aspects will come to light. This new understanding can help you greatly enhance your performance in your new role – and have a LOT more fun!

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“OOPS!!” – Being prepared for BDSM’s boo-boos

Last night, I was in heaven. Mistress Oasis had me in predicament bondage position, my balls wrapped in a leather stretcher being pulled in one direction, and an anal hook pulling me in the opposite direction. Unable to move forward or back, I was hopelessly vulnerable to whatever whe wanted to do with me.

One of those things she did with me was use some very sharp metal finger claws on the thinly stretched skin containing my balls. After several minutes of incredibly intense, incredibly sharp sensations, Mistress Oasis stopped.

“We’re going to take a little break,” she said. “It looks like I’ve drawn some blood”

I protested a bit, insisting that a little blood wasn’t going to kill me. However, she was having none of it. The small punctures were unintentional, but her concern was over infection more than any discomfort (or arousal) I may have been experiencing. After taking a moment to snap the picture you see, she released me and we addressed the situation. A little cleaning, some direct pressure to stop the bleeding, a little NeoSporin on the family jewels, and I was back in another bound position getting my ass cheerfully striped with a cane.

If you engage in sadomasochistic play for any length of time, something will go wrong sooner or later. I’ve seen my share of very hard-core players, for whom drawing blood, causing severe marks, and inflicting deep bruising are all part of the intended outcome in their play. For the most part, these people know what they are doing and prepare accordingly for the “injuries” they are are expected to encounter. However, most folks – especially beginners – are usually hoping to go home with little more than reddened ass cheeks. Whatever type of player you may evolve into down the road, it’s a good idea to start out early with safety in mind.

We sadomasochists pursue our thrills in an imperfect world. Things go wrong. Whip wielding tops miss their mark. Knots come untied and hardware fails. A bottom/sub can lose their footing. The list of possible mishaps is lengthy. And then, occasionally, one or both parties can get just a little over-zealous and … “Oops!”

Neither one of you needs to be a doctor or a paramedic to ensure that those moments don’t turn into bigger problems. Just having some basic first aid knowledge and some simple supplies on hand can ensure that you are ready for almost any “Oops.”

Mistress Oasis loves to rip off clothespins. This one took a little something with it!!

But first, what can save you more trouble than anything else is your mindset. Losing yourself in your play is part of the fun. But keeping part of your brain engaged and constantly asking yourself what could possibly go wrong is your best defense against accidental injury. Always be playing the “what if” game. This is mostly the job of the Top or Dom. The sub, or bottom, should try to be aware of potential dangers as well. However, we masochists tend to drift off into a deep La-La land and our brains pretty much turn to mush at some point. A responsible Top should always keep a portion of their mind outside the scene, monitoring the environment in and around the scene.

In my time as a bottom and a sub, I’ve experienced nipple clamps placed improperly that slid off, causing horriffic “bad” pain. I’ve been hit in the nuts by a cane strike intended for my thigh. I’ve had my feet accidentally stepped on with heeled boots. I’ve had singletail whips cracked on my neck, ear and the back of my head. And once I even had a Domme trip over a length of twine that was tied to my balls and stretched across the room to a piece of furniture. Each of these could have been avoided with a little more thought, care, or practice on the part of the Domme having her way with me at the time. But again, if you play long enough and with enough people, accidents are going to happen.

Are you trained in CPR? You should be. Heart attacks aren’t just for old folks anymore. Do you or your partner have any medical issues that need to be addressed? I have asthma, so there is always an emergency inhaler nearby when Mistress Oasis plays with me, just in case.

However, most bottoms do not keel over from life threatening medical conditions during a scene. The main types of injuries you’ll come across during basic play are bruises, cuts/abrasions, and friction burns. As your play becomes more advanced, the possibility and severity of injuries increase. This is why more advanced play, such as singletail whips, hot wax, needles, edge play and others require more in-depth training and thought to be performed safely. In this article, I’ll be covering only basic boo-boos resulting from basic play.

A really basic first aid kit should be all you need to handle any minor injuries. Here’s a list of the minimum equipment you should have:

Medical grade shears – Get these at any drug store. Don’t be cheap. Get a pair of decent quality. These not only cut bandages, but can cut through rope or twine in an emergency. If they are good quality, they can also cut through leather (for when you lose the key to those little padlocks on your sub’s leather cuffs.)

Antiseptic – The purpose of this is to clean the wound and kill any germs that got in already. Hydrogen peroxide works fine. You can buy various antiseptic cleaners in the first aid section of any pharmacy. Iodine is good, but it can stain the skin. Heavier players involved in needles or cutting use a surgical grade antiseptic such as Hibiclens. You can, too, but the aforementioned stuff works just fine for minor cuts and scrapes.

Antibiotic ointment/creme – This is to fight off any germs that may get in after the wound is clean. keeping a wound clean and adding something to kill off any invading microbes will help speed up healing. Neosporin is the most popular brand. Store brands are less expensive.

Bandages – An assortment of Band-Aid bandages should always be nearby. You can’t go wrong by having a few 2×2 inch gauze pads and a roll or two of gauze for wrapping.

Medical Tape – cloth or plastic. Keep some handy.

Instant cold compress – If you have access to ice, then that’s fine. But it never hurts to have one or two of these handy, especially if you are going to play somewhere other than yours or someone else’s home. Place this on a bruise or impact wound as soon as possible to control swelling.

These are the bare essentials. But they can handle most issues that you may run across. But feel free to add additional first aid supplies as you see fit. Preparedness is something you can never have too much of.

I know there are some who think this all sounds like overkill. But a little first aid to a minor wound can mean the difference between your scene coming to a screeching halt and your night being essentially over – or simply taking a short break to treat an “Oops” and then picking things up where you left off. Even the most minor of cuts or punctures can become a serious problem if infection occurs. And I don’t care how much of a masochist you are, crawling around on the floor with a raw scrape on your knee hurts like a mother-fucker – and it’s NOT FUN!! ! So cover that scrape up so you can get back into the action! And, never stop learning and adding to your safety knowledge.

I’d love to read your comments below. You can use a fake name and email … and no salesman will call on you!!

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Are You Entitled to the Luxury of a Domme?

I want to give proper credit to @SinCityGrrl for a tweet that served to stir my brain ,and give me the idea for this article.

In her tweet, @SinCityGrrl says “Sex workers provide a luxury service. You are not entitled to us. If you can’t afford it – too bad.”

Upon reading the full tweet, and some of its 45 comments, I started thinking, “Wow, this sounds a lot like what Dommes (professional as well as lifestyle) say about ‘subs’ online.” One of the comments even mentioned guys who call and request an escort, and when she arrives, they say, “Oh, I cannot afford X … but since you’re already here, can you do me for Y?'” (Lower price.)

When I read that, I thought, “Damn, are these professional women or used cars?” I’ve known several Pro-Dommes personally, but have never actually procured the services of a “sex worker.” I’ve always assumed that it was just understood – the professional names a price, and the client pays it. I never imagined that there was “haggling” going on.

Reading on through all the comments – many from other sex workers – it hit me. The words “luxury” and “entitled” kept getting repeated.

In my book, “FemDom Dating,” I keep circling back to a common theme. What I teach submissive men is to set aside the “Fantasy Dominatrix” image and the sexual ideas when approaching Dominant women, and approach them as human beings – seeing them for the people that they are in daily life first. Most men tend to see a Domme’s profile, focus on the racy pics and the fetish list, and approach her as the high heeled, leather clad, whip wielding cartoon character in their sexual fantasies.

This tweet served to shine a light on something else that is present in their approach – “entitlement.”

Many guys approach Dommes (and yes – they approach female subs, too) as if they are entitled to the attributes and talents that these women possess. I think most women on FetLife and the various kinky dating sites can agree with me. Most messages – even the ones that just say “HI” come off as – “Hi, I see you’re a Domme (or a sub, or slave, or whatever). When do we get started?

In fact, these messages and approaches almost reek of – “Okay, you say you’re a Domme. You wrote that you enjoy x, y, and z. You posted pictures of your tits. You got me turned on. Now you owe it to me to interact with me on that level.

Kinky companions (Dommes especially) are indeed a luxury, guys.

You know, if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly at least twice a day, clean water to drink, and clothes on your back – you’re doing a shitload better than a very large segment of the world’s population. (I know personally… I spent considerable time in a war-torn African country. If you have a computer to read this stuff – you’re doing quite well in life.) Everything else is really a luxury when you think about it. Things we take for granted – indoor running water, a job, a car, spare money, the internet – are all extras that nature did not choose to automatically supply us with.

And, at the very top of the great luxury pyramid sit our unique sexual desires. BDSM is one of the most unique. BDSM activities do not come naturally. They take trust, knowledge, and skill. And yet, so many men set up online profiles and start messaging women as if those women owe it to them to participate in whatever they suggest. Isn’t that crazy?

Have you ever wondered why men refer to having sex as “getting lucky?” Because it’s not easy to get there!! Why should winning a Domme over be any different? No Domme has ever created a profile and posted photos and writings with you specifically in mind. And, isn’t finding someone who’s kinky desires match your own a luxury indeed?

If you don’t see it as a luxury, try the vanilla dating world for awhile. After a night in the sack with a vanilla girl  (lol…or even better, BEFORE you’ve had sex the first time), tell her that now you’d like to be tied up, beaten, etc – whatever your particular submissive fantasies are. If talking to a Domme – at the WORST, she would perhaps negotiate with you as to what things she’s willing to do and what she isn’t. But, it would be a calm, non-judgmental discussion. Most vanilla women would look at you with polite disgust and quickly take their leave – probably blocking your number from their phone shortly after getting in their car.

So, are Dommes and Mistresses luxuries? You’re damned right they are!
Are you entitled to what they have to offer? You are a fool to think so. Even once you establish a relationship – you are never really entitled.

I am owned and collared by Mistress Oasis. She is in love with me. And even those realities do not entitle me to the things she does on a D/s or S/M level. I earn those things on a daily basis with my words, actions, and mindset. And, if you think that “earning” equates to me being naked, collared, and doing house chores all day – you’re still in fantasy land. It’s earned by attitude, emotional investment, communication, and devotion to her as a person, even when I’m fully clothed and wandering about in the vanilla world with her. So, you see, even as a collared sub who lives this thing 24/7 – her dominance, her sadism, her command of me are all luxuries – extras that make my life a dream come true.

So, think about that before you start typing that next “Hi” message. Rather than excitedly fantasizing about what she can to to satisfy your submissive cravings, ask yourself how you will earn the luxury of having a friendship with this person. You might be amazed at how your luck changes.

Find more direct, honest, and effective advice like this when you purchase my book “FemDom Dating” – available on Amazon and other online book retailers. $4.99 Ebook / $9.99 Paperback

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Also from slave dragos – “Energy and BDSM” – After the orgasm, have you ever felt like BDSM could be so much more – but you just don’t know how to get there? Most people get into kinky play to “spice up” their sex lives. This book explains how to take the BDSM experience WAY beyond sexual. An orgasm lasts for seconds. I explain how to achieve a D/s or S/M “high” that can last for days! Create a stronger bond with your BDSM partner. Find depths within yourself that you didn’t know existed. Discover just how deep the rabbit-hole goes!!

Get “Energy and BDSM” HERE

 

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The easiest way to find my books is by using the ISBNs:

FEMDOM DATING: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women
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Thank you!!

Slave Dragos

 

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“FemDom Dating” is SO Controversial…It Got My FetLife Account Shut Down

The idea for my new book, “FemDom Dating: The Submissive’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” occurred to me about a year ago. The thought was, instead of continually bashing “submissive” guys for the silly (and often disgustingly offensive) messages they send to Dominant women in their attempts to attract potential play partners, and possibly cultivate romantic relationships, why not create a comprehensive, easy-to-read guide that will show them how to properly approach these women??

Let’s be honest here. I know, probably better than most, that a HUGE number of men on alternative dating and social sites who claim to be “submissive” are not only NOT “submissive” – but they also don’t give a rat’s ass about anything outside of their own fantasies and orgasms. I get it. But at the same time, there are plenty of men wandering clueless through cyberspace who honestly and passionately dream of giving their time, their devotion, and their priorities to a strong, Dominant woman. But, they STILL think dick pics and “HI” messages are the way all of this is done. Those are the guys I wanted to reach, and help realize their dreams.

I know that it gets really old for you Dommes to read lame message after lame message from “subs” that reek of zero thought or creativity. But, I also believe that there are genuine guys out there who just need some brotherly guidance, rather than a cyber-punch to the face every time they ask a question on “Dominant Women” group discussions.

Anyone who’s written a book knows that the first step is to gather as much information and supporting facts as possible to give yourself a nice bundle of substantive material to weed through, and come up with the best writing ideas. And, so it was with this book. I didn’t want it to be completely anecdotal, based only on my experiences. So, I reached out and asked for input from Dommes on FetLife. I posted my request for some very general information in one of the groups.

Ohhhhhhhh Boy!!

Right away, Mistress Troll (not her real name) fired off a nasty reply, telling me how people like ME are ruining this community by taking advantage of others’ private information and communications. She went on to say that she hoped that John Baku himself would find out about my dastardly deeds, and ban me from FetLife forever. Then, she made sure to ANNOUNCE that she would be blocking my sorry ass – so there! Bleahhhhh!! (Picture a mean bitch sticking her tongue out when you read that.)

Meanwhile back at the farm, many Dommes did reach out to me privately and I appreciate all their assistance. Some even commented on how ridiculous Mistress Troll’s response had been.

Well, within a couple of days, I suddenly couldn’t log into my profile. I received a polite email from FetLife’s equivalent of customer service (I forget what they call themselves) telling me that my account had been frozen because they believed that I was currently violating, or was plotting to violate their rules of conduct. It took me a couple of days of back and forth emails, promising that I wasn’t going to take a bunch of people’s PM’s and splash them all over a book and publish it – complete with FetLife handles and whatnot. (And, subsequently, FemDom Dating does NOT contain any content from FetLife.) But in the end, my profile was back up. It was quite tempting, I must say, to give a little shout out to Mistress Troll, saying, “Yo bitch, I’m back!!” But thankfully, I’m more of an adult than she is.

Mistress Oasis took a peek at Mistress Troll’s profile and guess what? SHE whines, moans, and bitches in her writings and group posts about the exact issue I’m trying to address in my book! Sub males sending her trashy correspondence and expecting her to drop what she’s doing and engage in sex with them! So, one would think that she would appreciate my efforts.

Anyway, “FemDom Dating” is NOT controversial after all. It was written to benefit sub males and Dommes alike. The book has been published despite Mistress Troll’s efforts. It’s on AMAZON now, and was the #1 New Release within its category the very next day.

More than anything, I guess I feel kind of sad for someone whose only source of accomplishment and satisfaction is found in tearing down other people who set out to  create something to benefit others. I’m not sure if Mistress Troll was angry that someone would actually try to write an informative guide to help submissive males better themselves or if she thought she was somehow boosting her own popularity by trying to brand me as a danger to the FetLife community, and then attacking me as a straw-man.

FemDom Dating offers advice on self improvement – what works and what doesn’t when it comes to building online profiles, messaging Dommes, and posting in groups. I explain what has worked for me as far as cultivating friendships with Dommes, being respectful without grovelling, and how to propose meeting, dating and play in dignified and positive ways.

Check out my publisher, Well Heeled Dominatrix for other titles by FemDom authors.

 

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