Your life is a mess, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’ve just never been able to relate well with people. Perhaps someone you loved fucked you over. Perhaps someone way back in your past hurt you, and you cannot go a day without something reminding you of what happened – and the fact that you didn’t deserve it. Maybe your spouse can’t (or won’t) accept or try to understand your deep, unyielding need for an exchange of power and control in your relationship.
You’ve been clicking all over the Internet – looking at the kinky pictures, reading the kinky stories, hearing the accounts of how magical BDSM is. People write endless renditions of how their lives suddenly became enriched after finally stepping into the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant/submissive or Sadist/masochist relationships open people’s hearts and emotions to depths they’ve never experienced before.
So, you start to believe that finding a kinky partner will fix everything. It will make you whole again. It will cure your depression. It will remove (or justify) the hurt you feel inside. It’s the answer you’ve been looking for, right?
It’s time for someone to shake you, and give you a dose of reality.
This lifestyle does not cure depression. This lifestyle does not turn an irresponsible person into a responsible person. It does not cure PTSD. It does not cure alcoholism, drug addiction, or stupidity. It won’t wipe away a history of child abuse or sexual abuse. It’s merely an alternative to a vanilla existence.
It is human nature to seek things that make us happy and normalize our lives. I know that BDSM and “normal” are not terms usually used in the same context. But, the very things that get branded as “kinky” are very normal for someone with a deeply embedded need for masochism, sadism, dominance or submission. For me, submitting to Mistress Oasis is normal, not “kinky.” For Mistress Oasis, hurting me to say “I love you” is normal.
In my book, FemDom Dating, I devote a chapter to self-reflection prior to just jumping into the scene and BDSM relationships. One piece of advice I give is to take care of your emotional baggage before seeking and dating potential partners.
In the BDSM world, we manipulate brain chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. Each of these can have a profound effect on a person’s emotions. However, depending on the types of activities you engage in, your brain may experience a spike in all four of these. If you already struggle with feelings of depression, inadequacy, abandonment, loss, victim-hood, or a myriad of other complex emotions, there is no telling what a cocktail of mind altering chemicals may result in.
I know personally the roller coaster of emotions that is possible during masochistic play. I’ve felt myself go through euphoria, anger, frustration, passion, fear, resignation, panic, and vulnerability. Often, I go through several of these emotions during the course of a scene. But, that’s what I’m after – a dance along a cliff where I tempt and flirt with all of these feelings, while knowing in the back of my mind that no real physical harm is going to come to me. But occasionally, the emotional ride has been too intense for me and I had to stop scenes because of panic or loss of coherent thought. And, I have my mind right. If you have a whirlwind of stressful emotions spinning in your head in your vanilla life, unleashing vast amounts of these chemicals into your brain could intensify your negative feelings.
The potential for trouble doesn’t disappear when the scene is over. At some point those chemicals wear off. Your brain can actually go through a withdrawal stage as it adjusts to the lower levels of these substances. “Sub Drop” is a term used to describe a submissive experiencing negative physical and emotional effects when these chemical levels start dropping in the brain. I myself have experienced depression, lethargy, headaches, even hangover-type feelings a day or two after a really good scene. However, I know what it is when I experience it and Mistress Oasis stays close to me, reassuring me as I deal with the negative feelings, and wait for them to pass. It can sometimes be a full day or two.
Play is not the only place where our minds walk a tightrope. The relationship dynamics within the BDSM world are complex. BDSM relationships tend to be far more intense than what you find in the vanilla world. We communicate on a deeper level, exposing vulnerable and sensitive things about ourselves. That’s how we are able to interact the way we do, whether it’s service oriented, sexual, or sado-masochistic. We have to open our hearts and our innermost hidden places to each other to achieve the experiences we crave. If you’re struggling with a bunch of emotional crap that you cannot deal with, having someone toying around with your psychological “goo” like it was Jell-o is asking for trouble sooner or later.
This aspect of the BDSM lifestyle doesn’t just apply to submissives. Dominants need to have their heads screwed on right as well. Some of them don’t. Above all other things, a submissive wants to trust their dominant. A sub needs to know that their dom is looking out for their well-being. We subs who are also flying masochists depend on our dominant to be cognizant of our responses, our safety, and our emotional status during our play. We need to trust that they will do this so we can “let go,” and drift away into an alternative consciousness.
The deeper a relationship goes, the more a sub gives of him or herself. Being able to depend on a dom being stable and predictable within the relationship allows the submissive to lower more walls, and become more open to the dom. This becomes harder if the dom exhibits unpredictable or irrational reactions to life’s little “situations.”
People with very low self-esteem tend to drag those around them down as well. Insecure people often display possessiveness and suspicion toward a partner. Trying to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is usually a crutch, and tends to create an atmosphere of comparing the new partner to the old. And, even if the new partner passes the scrutiny with flying colors, no one enjoys hearing the constant re-telling of tales about things the old partner did to hurt you.
As wild as our lifestyle may seem from the outside, it actually requires a level head to make it work and grow long term. It can be the answer to all your prayers if you’ve had to suppress it most of your life. However, it doesn’t cure crazy. Get your emotional house in order before jumping into this game. It makes this lifestyle easier for everyone involved.
So, there you have it. I don’t know if you’d call me an “expert” when it comes to chastity. But I can say I’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to discovering what works for me. I’m ecstatic that I found a good, comfortable cage in four tries and spending just around $1000.00 total. Seriously, I’ve read posts from guys who say they’ve owned/tried a dozen and more different brands and styles of cage before finding one that was right for them. And going through multiple cages is a common theme throughout the chastity community.
Chastity is a very personal thing. Each guy who wears a cage has his own reasons for it. For some, it’s a real pursuit of self-control. For others it’s a sexual turn on to be denied sex. And there are some who feel a deeper spiritual bond with their partner when they are locked up. For me, it’s a symbol of possession. It reminds me that my male appendage is not mine, it’s hers. Just like I am hers, by choice. I want to feel that as deeply as I can. Wearing a cage and surrendering free access to the most intimate part of my own body is an unmistakable gesture of submission to my Mistress, whom I love more than anyone on this planet.
However, if you choose male chastity for the long term, it’s not all fantasy fun and games. There are real and practical considerations to ponder. Hopefully, the experiences I’ve shared here will help smooth your path a little so you can find your perfect place within the chastity world.
So, a couple of months ago, I finally decided I was tired of having to remove my cage regularly, tired of having to shove my glans back in place with Q-tips, and tired of living in fear of some horrible infection that might rot my dick off.
Evotion had come out with a new model – the Bijou. It comes with an optional vented tube. It is easier to put on, and requires no retention ring (no more pinching). But the biggest selling point for me was the fact that the Bijou is made so that the PA pin actually slides back and forth a few millimeters, reducing the strain on the piercing.
Before ordering my Bijou, I wrote the company explaining the problems I was having with my Cage 7. I received a reply from Andy, the owner. I’m not the only guy out there who will tell you that Andy is really great. He advised me on which measurements he thought were wrong and causing my piercing issues. He gave me advice on how to measure for the Bijou, and even supplied me with my measurements from the order I placed a year prior so I had a place to start.
So, I measured. And measured again. And I continued to measure throughout the evening until I was convinced I had everything right. Then I placed my order and paid my $250.00 for the Bijou.
To my amazement, I received a shipping notice in just 25 days! Much less time than it took for the Cage7. It arrived a couple of days later and I eagerly brought it to Mistress Oasis, who I think was even giddier than I was.
I unpacked my new blue Bijou. Yes, it’s blue. My Mistress wanted blue – so it’s blue. She likes the blue. That’s all that matters.
The first thing I noticed when I picked it up was that it does, indeed, seem lighter even than the Cage 7. The Bijou has a “solid” tube for the shaft. What I mean is that the tube is one piece, instead of comprising of two pieces that clamshell together. So, the penis has to be pulled through. Then the PA pin is inserted. (Evotion has a video demo on their blog that actually shows the model using the PA pin to help him pull the head of his penis through the tube. It can be found HERE. ) Finally, the front section is slid in place and the lock inserted.
I’ve had my Bijou from Evotion Wearables on full time for a little over two weeks now. It has only come off for play, and twice for routine cleaning.
NO pain in the piercing
NO slippage of the head
NO pinching anywhere on this cage
I can honestly say that I think I have found my “forever” cage. This thing fits like a dream! And, like the Cage 7, waking up with morning wood is like waking up in slave heaven. The cage is nice and tight to start with, and the added pressure of my hard-on trying to break through the rigid polymer trap is simply exquisite. And still, no pain at the piercing!
The Cage 7 disappeared under my clothing. And the Bijou is even less detectable. Seriously, if you get one of these ringless cages from Andy and Evotion Wearables, your worries about the obvious bulge in your pants will be over. These things are like the stealth bomber! Okay, they won’t blow up Baghdad for you, but they are still invisibly awesome!
Okay, this photo isn’t as gratuitous as it seems. There is a purpose. It’s to show my absolute favorite attribute of the Evotion Bijou. No matter what state my penis is in – shriveled up “office mode” or fully erect – my Bijou stays right where it’s supposed to! The filigree cutout designed tube grips me tightly, just behind the head. The ridge inside the the tube keeps the head from slipping backwards. The PA pin keeps the whole thing in place WITHOUT having to support the weight of the cage itself. (which is not much anyway) There is no stress or pain on my piercing. Evotion describes it’s piercing cages as “inescapable.” They are RIGHT!
Do I have any complaints about the Bijou? Well, it does still collect pee in the lock sleeve, which requires a little extra attention with some toilet paper after each trip to the restroom. But, that’s a cage for you. Secondly, I’m not really keen on the “hourglass” shape of it. I subtracted a couple of millimeters from my shaft circumference measurement so I’d be sure that this cage would not allow any slipping of the head. The result is a cage that kind of cinches in the middle. But that’s just cosmetic. This thing grips me like it was a natural part of my body. Yes, I’d prefer it look more like Darth Vader’s dick torture device, but for the comfort, I’ll take it just as it is.
Over the last couple of months, Evotion has come out with some really cool customization options, like personalized lettering. And they have just unveiled a new product, the Orion Steel – a 3D printed steel/nickel alloy cage. The price is a staggering $650.00, so it’s a bit out of my price range. But it is an absolutely gorgeous work of art!!
Again, if you’ve had issues with other cages fitting you properly, maybe you should try reaching out to Evotion Wearables and see if a custom built 3D printed cage would work for you.
A little over a year ago, I found a company called Evotion Wearables. They peddle plastic chastity cages, but with a different twist. They make the devices entirely by 3D printing.
Now, how the cages are made definitely caught my eye. However, what hooked me was the fact that some of their cages are made without base rings. They rely on piercings to stay in place. That’s not really new. There are plenty of cages out there that stay in place by means of a piercing. And, I am not a big fan of having something tugging at my PA all day long.
Here is what makes Evotion Wearables different: Evotion has you submit 4 different measurements. They require a shaft diameter (or circumference), a glans length, a piercing depth (distance from the tip of the penis to the point where the piercing is) and the desired length of the cage shaft. The section that covers the penis head is actually contoured so that there is a ridge that rests just behind the head of the penis. This ridge, in essence is what holds the cage on the penis. The pin at the front of the cage that goes through the piercing only helps keep everything in place. I liked this idea better than totally relying on the 12 millimeters of thin skin under the head of my cock to support the weight of a constantly shifting of a cage.
Now, when most of us hear about “3D Printing,” we think of a machine drizzling melted plastic out of a nozzle – kind of like a hot glue gun, controlled by a computer. But Evotion uses a method called “Laser Sintering,” and it’s really cool. I watched a Youtube video of this type of laser printing, and was astonished. Basically, in layman’s terms, they dump plastic powder on the “floor” of an enclosed machine. Then they flatten the powder to a thin, even layer. The laser “scans” across the layer of powder in the exact shape of that cross-section layer of the item they are building, which flash melts the plastic into a solid. Then, another layer of plastic powder is flattened out on top of that piece, and the process repeats. One scan at a time, the layers of plastic get flash-melted to the previous layer and solidifies.
They offer eight different models of cages, including ones with base rings, if that is your preference. You can get your cage in a range of around eight different colors. And, when you consider the numerous customizations they can make with any of their cages, the possibilities are astronomical. I even saw an example of a CURVED cage they made for someone! You can see that HERE.
So, I began taking my measurements. I decided on the #7 cage with PA pin in black and red. The method of securing the cage would be a 2-part ring around the base that connects with a plastic tab that snaps into place and cannot be removed except for cutting it down the middle. That way, no worry about keys, backup keys, emergency keys, etc. However, they do make rings that padlock, rings with internal locks, and other variations.
I tried to tweak the measurements a tad. I wanted a snug fit around the head, and a little bit of wiggle room in the tube around the shaft. So, I added a millimeter here and subtracted a millimeter there. I thought I was pretty smart…
The “Cage 7” starts at $289.00. The “printing” process took about 2 months but they warn you about that on their website.
Arrival – My first impression upon unpacking the cage was how different this design looked. The black and red combination gives it an ominous appearance. The shape and design is like something out of a sci-fi horror movie – like some torture device that Darth Vader would have ordered attached to an unfortunate prisoner to be questioned. But, that’s what mine looks like. You might like a pink one that shows off your inner sissy. Or, you may want an orange and black one that looks like a Halloween candy-corn. Or, maybe you’re feeling patriotic, so go ahead and get a red, white, and blue cage! You can browse their site, and see the endless combinations of style and color.
Then I put my CAGE 7 on. There are five pieces: a base plate, a PA pin, a top cover, and a locking ring that comes in two halves. The PA pin snaps into the bottom of the base plate, forming a single piece. But, it can be removed for cleaning. Once the base plate is resting along the underside of the penis, and the PA ring is inserted into my piercing, the top cover can be put on. The top cover fits onto the apparatus like a car hood, and is closed in a similar fashion. Once the two halves are together, they get held in place with the locking ring. This part I already didn’t like. The locking ring pieces get placed into a slot at the rear of the cage, with the end tabs of the ring poking through to the inside. Then they close down like wings around the circumference of the cage. Right away, I could see the potential for getting pinched hard with this procedure. So, when connecting the ring, I have to get a finger up under the cage, and push my skin out of the path of the closing tabs. I think Evotion could have come up with a better design on that.
However, once the thing is on, it is extremely comfortable. If you are a chastity traditionalist, who thinks that real chastity requires an apparatus that wraps up the entire package tightly (and some do), you’re not going to like the Evotion Cage 7. Personally, I think it looks hot! But this look may not be your cup of tea. I’ve never been a huge fan of the “squished” look that many cages give you. I do not have a small penis. Mistress Oasis loves my penis for what it is, and does not wish to make it look small. This cage allows me to be in chastity while still displaying my full size for her visual pleasure.
This cage accomplishes exactly what chastity is meant to accomplish. It effectively denies me access to the head of my penis, which is what most guys need to reach if they want to masturbate to orgasm. But, it also allows my penis and balls to exist and move around independently of each other. I can easily reach 50% of my shaft for cleaning. If my balls are uncomfortable in my trousers, I can adjust them without having to shift my entire package of balls, cock, and cage. I can dress my penis to the left of my pants or the right. It’s truly “penis paradise.”
One aspect of the Jailbird I did not like was the fact that it mashed the head of my cock into the cage end so hard the tip of my head would be forced through the space between the bars at the end of the cage. That allowed for my clothing to rub against the very tip of the head of my cock – the most sensitive part – throughout the day. As erotic as that may seem to some of you, and as nifty an idea that may be for a night out with your Mistress, it sucks to have that going on all day at work when you’re in an office trying to earn your living.
The Evotion Cage 7 completely covers the head of my cock and nothing touches it, unless I purposely poke something into the cage. In this respect, it is super comfortable. Removal does not require waiting for my erection to die down first. Additionally, the Evotion is a very open, well vented design. Air gets to the penis throughout the day. I never feel “dirty” in the Evotion. Did I mention that it looks awesome?
The weight is unbelievable. I literally forget I’m wearing this cage at times. Now, I totally understand that for some men out there, the whole chastity thing is a sexual thing. So, they feel that they MUST have something heavy and imposing down there to remind them all day long that “Oooooooh, I’m in a cock cage. I can’t escape. Will I ever be allowed to orgasm again? What will I do?” And that’s fine and dandy if that’s what you need. But, for me, I want a functional solution that doesn’t impose on my everyday life. I get enough sex and enough play and enough attention from Mistress Oasis that I don’t need a reminder all day that my love gun now has a trigger safety. Additionally, my submission and adoration toward her originates in my heart and soul – not my cock. The cage is merely a symbol of that love and surrender to her. Think of it as my collar, or, as Mistress Oasis sees it, my wedding ring. I know it’s there. I want it there. But, I don’t want it making me uncomfortable all day long.
I can stand to pee again!!! Because my cock is not scrunched up and connected to my balls and crammed into the end of a tube, I have complete control of where I’m pointing this thing! (Look out North Korea!!) I get to point with the entire length of my penis, rather than trying to manipulate and aim a 3-inch tube. Additionally, because there is a pin (rather than a ring) going through my piercing, and pointing forward, my pee comes out normal. No spray and pray!! I can stand at a pisser again!! One giant leap for mankind!!
Okay, so maybe I’m getting a little carried away. As with the other cages, there are some issues I found with my Evotion Cage 7. So let’s look at the “dark side.”
First, like every other cage, when you wear an Evotion and urinate, you cannot avoid pissing on and in the cage. Yes, the stream is more controllable than with other cages. But, it’s still not perfect. The PA pin snaps into the base, and is then held in place by a small cam situated on the tab that joins the base and cover. This configuration forms a tiny “compartment” just under the PA pin. The PA pin acts as a bit of a channel that allows some urine to travel down into that compartment. So, if you are not careful and take a moment to dab some toilet paper around the end of the cage after you take a leak, a few drops may find their way out the bottom of the cage, and wet the front of your trousers. Whatever stays behind inside that compartment will ferment and dry, which eventually will lead to an unpleasant odor. It’s not like the worker in the next cubicle at your job is going to smell you or anything like that. But, if Mistress thinks she’s going to uncage you as you walk through the door after a long day for some impromptu play or sex, you may want to beg for a few minutes in the shower first to run some soap and water over and through the cage first.
That same compartment makes it literally impossible to get the cage completely dry after showering, peeing, or whatnot. You simply cannot access that little space without taking off the top cover. So, my practice and advice is to schedule regular removal and cleaning for hygiene sake. Even if you are on one of those “3 months locked up, no orgasms, no escape” chastity marathons, I don’t think that coming out of the cage once a week for 10 minutes of washing and maintenance qualifies as cheating. I mean, unless in that ten minutes you a become bug-eyed, drooling wank fiend, I doubt you be any worse off for the time out of the cage. I mean, hell, they even let convicts in solitary confinement shower once a week, right?
Okay, next item: After going to bed with this cage on the first night, I awoke the next morning with my usual raging morning erection. I absolutely LOVED the feeling of the last half of my bulging cock being confined and restrained by this cage. Seriously, it is so different than the feel of a full cage and base ring. It’s a very erotic sensation. However, something still didn’t feel “right.”
Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the glans of my penis had slipped back out of the tip of the cage, under that special ridge that’s meant to keep the head in place. “No biggie,” I thought, and got a Q-tip to nudge the head of my cock back into its place. Done!
…Or so I thought. The next night, I awoke again, hard as a rock. The head had slid a few millimeters out of place again. But this time, I felt an intense pain at my piercing site. I took the cage off to find that the area around my piercing was red, swollen, and very sore.
So, we gave it a few days for the swelling and soreness to go away, and tried again. I figured that it was entirely possible that my penis and PA just needed to get used to the new style of cage. In another 24 hours, I was sore and swollen again.
Over time, I realized that the forward compartment for the glans was just not big enough, that the entire cage itself was just not tight enough, and that the PA pin was a little too far forward. So basically, this cage became my “wedding ring” when I was out and about away from home. But at night, when Mistress Oasis and I turned in, I had to remove this cage to avoid what I feared could become a serious health issue with my piercing. (But I had Mistress there to make sure I wasn’t petting my ferret under the sheets, so it was okay.)
All of that said, I still do not attribute it to a flaw in the cage or the design itself. I fully believe that I didn’t get my measurements correct. Basically, I spent a year with a cage that I had to adjust a few times a day to get my head back in place. We got to the point where we didn’t even bother locking it with the tabs. The retaining ring snaps in place, and stays closed by itself. Again, I can wear an unlocked cage all day without any temptation to remove it specifically because of why I wear it.
My advice, if you are going to get an Evotion cage that incorporates a piercing (PA or Frenium bar), is to be extra vigilant with your measurements. Go a little tight on the circumference/diameter. Maybe go a millimeter or two large on the glans length, and for the piercing depth, I recommend springing $20 or so for a caliper-type micrometer, and very carefully measuring from the tip of the penis to the center of that piercing. When taking measurements for my next cage, I even taped a little piece of cardboard onto one of the caliper claws to make sure I was bumping right up against the very tip of my penis, and getting an accurate reading. Measure multiple times throughout the day and average them. Measure in millimeters. It’s more precise.
Personally, I want to get another CAGE 7 with the right dimensions because I really love the feel and look of it overall. If you’ve been having issues with base rings hurting you, or don’t like the feeling of your erection being squished through tiny spaces in a cage, then you may just want to look at what Evotion Wearablescan do for you.
The next stop on my chastity journey was Mature Metal. This is a company out of Texas that makes custom stainless steel cages. They have five models to choose from. Their “Jailbird” model is one of the most recognized cages amongst chastity aficionados. Spend a little time on an online chastity forum and you’ll see lots of guys praising the Jailbird as the greatest cage they have ever worn. I suppose you could say it’s the Ford F-150 of cock cages.
Mature Metals creates each cage based on a customer’s individual measurements. Those measurements are penis length, penis diameter, and the “gap.” The gap is the distance between the base ring that goes around your balls, and the base of the penis. This gap is important to ensure a snug fit for the cage, and allow room for the constant “anatomical changes” your penis goes through all day. A proper gap between the ring and the cage also ensure you can’t slip out of the cage when you’re flaccid. Oh YES! If the gap is too big, you may be tempted to slip the old one-eyed weasel out of his holding pen through that gap and give him a good stroking when Mistress isn’t around, you naughty wanker!
The Jailbird starts at $225.00. I think they’ve dropped their prices. I could have sworn mine was a little over $300. But, I digress.
I spent quite some time staring at Mature Metal’s website, and reading their measuring instructions and product descriptions. To be honest, the price seemed a bit steep for me and I genuinely took time to question just how badly I wanted my manhood locked up. Well, I wanted to be locked up, but I questioned how much I was willing to spend to make it happen. In the end, considering that I own probably close to $7000 worth of BDSM toys alone, I decided that Mature Metal’s price seemed fair for what I’d be getting.
I followed their measuring instructions, and even measured myself several times throughout the day, and averaged them to get the perfect fit that would handle my manhood at its most erect and most flaccid. Knowing that it was entirely up to me to ensure that my cage would fit correctly added an extra touch of anxiety. But, I sent in what I had, and ordered my Jailbird.
The first thing I noticed about the Jailbird was that this thing was heavy. Not crazy heavy as to make it unreasonable. Basically, if you’re used to a plastic cage, and you pick one of these things up, you quickly realize this is a no-bullshit chunk of metal that is going to trap your cock for real. It has a serious, industrial look to it while also radiating – dare I say – elegance in its design. I can honestly say these people do good work.
Unlike the CB6000, which is a plastic tube with a few slots near the base for “ventilation,” the Jailbird is a fully “open” design. Basically that means the only places where your skin is covered, and not exposed to the air, is where one of the metal bars crosses over flesh. And, of course, your flesh will move around inside this cage a little bit. Bottom line here is that you aren’t spending all day in something that has completely sealed your cock off from the outside, and sealed in every droplet of sweat your skin emits throughout the day.
Remember what I said about wanting to be prepared? Mistress Oasis found a nifty idea online to ensure that I had a key to the padlock in the event of an emergency – and only an emergency. She found tiny little zippered bags on Etsy. They were about the size of a silver dollar. Just big enough to fit the miniature padlock key inside. Once the key was inside, she super-glued the zipper shut. The bag could be cut open if I ever needed the key in an emergency. It even had a key ring attached. So I was able to carry the spare key on my keychain. Regardless of how strong one’s fantasy is to be locked up long term, it is far easier to do so when one knows that it can be removed in a dire circumstance.
I finally had a cage that allowed me to clean myself with no more effort than simply soaping up my hands or a wash cloth, and rubbing it around the surface of the cage. By holding everything under the shower for a minute, I was completely rinsed off. And, drying afterward was a breeze. Throughout the day, because air could constantly flow over my skin, I felt very dry and fresh down there most of the time.
I found that wearing my piercing inside the cage was not practical. No matter what I tried, throughout the day, I’d regularly get pinched between the ring and the steel bars of the Jailbird. I’d read and seen pics of guys who would run their PA ring through the front of the bars as well as through their PA, essentially locking the tip of their cock to the front of the cage. Many express a greater sense of surrender and “in-escapability” with this method. Truly, even if you could slip your cock out of the cage through the gap (and I discovered that when totally flaccid and with some effort, I could), then having the pierced head of your cock physically connected to the end of the cage by a metal ring would certainly prevent any such attempts. I tried this arrangement, but discovered that the pinching increased. Additionally, I just didn’t like the idea of having a titanium ring attached to a somewhat movable metal cage, and then going through a hole in my cock. As a “what if” kind of guy, I didn’t like the prospect of what might happen to the underside of my penis if something were to accidentally cause the cage to pull forward when I was shriveled. The idea of having that skin down there ripped open really gives me the heebie-jeebies.
So, I gave up my PA ring for the privilege of being caged for my beloved Mistress. However, now I had a permanent hole underneath the head of my cock. (No, it never grew over completely.) Having a hole on the underside of your cock leads to issues with – you guessed it – URINATION.
I was already in the habit of sitting down to pee with the CB6000. The Jailbird was actually a little shorter, and had a slightly more pronounced downward curve to it, which would have made standing at a urinal absolutely impossible. I’d have been soaking my britches every day. The addition of a second hole in the penis pointing 90 degrees perpendicular to the natural opening means you’d better have a wide “field of fire” when you relieve yourself. However, after-pee cleanup is so much easier than with the plastic tube of the CB6000. You simply grab some toilet paper and dab around the end of the cage.
This is one of the realities you must be willing to face and deal with if you have the desire to be in a cage for extended periods. No matter the style, or the construction, or how many ingenious openings they include in your model – sooner or later you wind up pissing on or in your cage. It is unavoidable.
Did I mention that the Jailbird is heavy? All throughout the chastity forums and websites, guys express a preference to the steel cages because of the feel and heft of the metal. It gives them a heightened “awareness” of being entrapped and controlled. Make no mistake; cock cages are a form of bondage. And, those of us who love bondage do so because of the sense of vulnerability, surrender, loss of free will, and control that it brings. There is a big difference between being tied up with silk scarves to the bedpost, and being restrained with thick leather cuffs attached to steel anchor points drilled into a wall. The same contrast can be observed between a lightweight, clear plastic cage and one made of unbending steel that weighs about a half pound. Mentally and emotionally, you KNOW that your cock is not really yours anymore. And, when you took the time to take all of your measurements and paid the $225 + for it, you tend to become pretty “attached” to your little personal prison. (pun intended)
The Jailbird has a far less noticeable ‘signature’ under clothing as well. Even without underwear, the shape and curvature of this cage made it invisible under jeans, shorts, and work clothes alike.
Finally, the Jailbird is just plain fun to wear for play. It has the look and feel that says your cock belongs to someone else. Without a doubt, it has a psychological effect on the wearer. Mistress Oasis loved the look of it as well. The open steel cage design allows for access all along the shaft and head, which is not offered by the CB6000. So, Mistress Oasis could string me up with the Jailbird in place, and poke me with skewers, run her favorite pinwheel over my cock, or even drip hot wax on it without having to remove the cage itself.
So, all in all, the Jailbird was everything that it was advertised to be. It should have been my “forever” cage, right?
Well, the following are my negative experiences with the Jailbird cage:
Base Ring – I have a problem. My penis has a very wide range of size variation between its shrunken state and an erection. No, I’m not John Holmes or anything like that. But, I’m above average when erect. I’ve also had a vasectomy that included titanium clips left permanently clamped to the ends of the cut tubes. Ideally, a cage with a base ring will fit in such a way that the base ring stays just behind the scrotum, and the cage itself will remain snug on the penis, slid back all the way to the base of the penis. I got a base ring that successfully did this while I was limp. However, once I got erect, I had the same problem that I did with the CB6000. The ring would cut off my circulation. Then, my erect penis would push the whole cage forward, pulling on my balls. Sometimes, the ring would trap the titanium clips from my vasectomy in front of it, and then it was forcefully pulling forward on the clips. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a super painful erection, with my balls purple and I could feel the strain on my tubes deep inside – not knowing how long I’d been asleep with the blood to my genitals seriously restricted. So, we would have to take the cage off at night.
I ordered a new ring that was 1/8th inch larger in diameter. Now, my circulation didn’t get cut off as badly but the forward pull on my balls was just as painful. Additionally, now whenever I was flaccid, the cage would begin to slide down my balls and penis. One particularly warm day when everything in my shorts was very soft and loose, Mistress and I were taking a walk. At the end of it, we got in the car. I could tell that the cage had slid down a bit and opened my fly to adjust it. The cage had slid halfway down my cock and was resting on top of my balls.
The base ring of the plastic CB6000 is a semi-circle with a removable top that is integrated into the locking mechanism. What that means is that the base ring can be slid on or off regardless of the condition of the penis, hard or soft. The base ring of the Jailbird is one solid piece. It cannot be slid past the balls when I’m erect. It can only slide on and off when I’m totally soft. This can cause a problem.
Mobility – Despite the issues above with the base ring, the cage is still very comfortable – until you have to lie on your stomach to do some kind of household repair. Then there is simply nowhere for the stainless steel Jailbird to go but into your pelvic bone and upper thighs. Working out at the gym with the Jailbird on was no problem, except for leg curls that require you to lie face down. I could even ride my bike. But, not being able to lie down to handle various maintenance chores was a hindrance I could not abide.
Neither of these issues is a flaw on the part of the Mature Metal cage. Their product was exactly what they said it would be. However, I realized that my body is simply not compatible with a cage that has a base ring. Anatomically, I’m just not built for it. The constriction caused us real concern about potential blood clots or other health risks. So, I had to continue looking at other options.
CB6000 – This is one of the most popular chastity cages around. It’s not exactly the best cage. But, it is a good combination of price, fair quality, and versatility.
The CB6000 is offered by CB-X, and they’ve been around for awhile. The basic models of this cage are made entirely of plastic. The most common model they sell is clear, but they also offer some various colored versions and even a couple of cages formed out of metal.
A basic package includes five different sized base rings, the cage section (the tube your cock goes into), and connecting pins and spacers to adjust the gap between the cage and ring. It’s a great cage for getting started because of the different sizes you can experiment with to establish what works best for you. Some guys actually stick with the CB-X cages for full-time wear. One of the nice things about the CB-X cages is that, if you have to go through any metal detectors, the plastic cage will not set them off (considering you don’t use a metal lock.) In fact, they even offer plastic locks to ensure this. These are one time only locks that have to be cut off. They are serial numbered, in case trust is an issue.
This cage is lightweight. It’s all plastic, unless you opted for one of their chrome tube sections. It requires that you assemble six separate pieces to lock it on. Once you get the knack of putting the pieces together, the cage goes on and comes off pretty easily. And, I cannot say that it isn’t a comfortable cage. I opted for a package with a 3 inch tube as opposed to the 2 ½ inch tube. I felt the shorter tube would scrunch me up too much. With the right sized ring and the right sized spacers, it was snug and comfortable.
However, the first problem I discovered was the fact that when I got an erection, my cock pushed forward on the tube. The tube was connected to the base ring. When the base ring slid forward, it would pull and stretch my balls painfully. Wearing a larger base ring would make it easier for it to slide up and squish my balls within their sack. Trying a slightly smaller base ring resulted in less sliding. But, it would also cut off the circulation at the base of my penis, causing it to turn purple and my balls to turn dark, and hurt badly within minutes of an erection.
Secondly, I discovered the urination issues. Working in a large office building with large restrooms and lots of people running around, I quickly realized that standing up at a urinal was no longer going to be an option for me. Each time I went to piss, I had to manipulate the head of my cock to line up with the slot at the end of the cage. I have a natural curve and, after several hours of sitting at a computer with everything shriveled up in “office mode,” things would become a little cock-eyed within the cage. I couldn’t very well stand at a urinal four and five times a day fiddling with my caged trouser snake each time, trying to get things lined up. So, urination became a sitting event for me.
One time, when I was in a hurry, I decided to just go ahead and stand at the urinal. I had on a suit with a coat, which blocked my view of the caged beast. “No worries,” I decided, and let go the flow. It wasn’t until I felt the warmth spreading around my left thigh that I realized that my pee-hole and the cage’s pee-hole weren’t aligned just right. A steady portion of the piss was dribbling along the bottom of the cage, back up the cage – literally defying gravity – and soaking into the front of my grey trousers. I had a giant, unmistakable wet stain from my crotch to half-way down my thigh. I spent 20 minutes in a handicapped stall trying to dry the spot with paper towels, and by furiously waving my hands in front of them. Once it seemed dry enough, I went to my boss, with my briefcase in front of me, and told her I was feeling ill, and had to go home. That was the last time I’ve ever stood to urinate in a public restroom with a cage on.
Cleaning the CB6000 was a chore as well. I have a 6 guage PA piercing. I’m NEVER able to pee without some dribbling going on. Even with stuffing toilet paper into the urination slot after each trip to the toilet, a little drip here and a little drip there stays in the cage and dries. You can imagine what the smell gets like by the end of the day. (Sexy, huh?)
I found advice on a male chastity site that said to use Q-tips to get inside and clean the penis. So, each evening in the shower, I’d wet and soap up the Q-tip, insert it up through the pee slot, and swab it around inside the tube. The Q-tip would quickly become flimsy and unusable. So, I’d have to continue with another, and another. Then I had to use yet another Q-tip to insert into the tube and press against my penis to allow water to flow through the cage to rinse it out. I became fairly good at this, and could get everything cleaned up using about 6 Q-tips. But then, how to dry myself inside a plastic tub?? Well, more Q-tips, of course. I’d insert dry Q-tips one at a time and swirl them around inside the cage between my skin and the plastic. It usually took about 6 more Q-tips (both ends) to get everything dry. I later found these little items that helped the cleaning process immensely. They are narrower than Q-tips, and the heads are made of foam rather than spun cotton, so they don’t fall apart. But, Q-tips still work best for drying.
I had a couple of unique experiences with the CB6000 at work. One day, as I was walking quickly down a long hallway filled with people, my 6 gauge titanium PA ring managed to position itself just right so that it swayed back and forth inside the plastic cage with each step. It created a crisp and clearly audible “CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…CLICK” as I hustled down the hallway. Another issue I had with my piercing was that it would occasionally trap a tiny bit of the tip of my cock between the ring and the plastic of the cage, causing a painful pinch.
My most horrifying experience was after I’d decided to stop wearing underwear to reduce the ball crushing I had to endure from the base ring every time I sat down. I was standing one morning at my boss’ desk, who was a female, discussing some strategies on a project I was managing. About ten minutes into the conversation, I happened to look down, and noticed that my pants were just snug enough to present a perfect outline of my cage. Looking at the CB6000, you can see that the tube is shaped exactly like a penis – complete with a large, bulbous head at the end. It didn’t look like a bulge. It didn’t look like I’d stuffed a sock in my pants. It looked like the unmistakable outline of A COCK pressing against the fabric of my business pants! (although I did get another raise in pay very soon thereafter. I wonder…….)
The final straw with the CB6000 for me was when I started feeling a very sharp pain on the underside of my penis, right near the base. I discovered that the seam running down the middle of the cage had begun to split. It was trapping my skin in the tiny space between the two halves of the cage, and actually causing a cut. So, we began looking for a new style of cage.
None of this is to say that the CB6000 is a bad cage. I’m just sharing my experiences with it. I think if you are starting out with chastity, and don’t want to drop over $200 for one of the custom metal cages just yet, it’s a great starter. You can get the full package from CB-X for $150.00. That will supply you with everything you need to experiment with different rings and spacers to see what combination works best – or if it works for you at all. You can purchase additional cage sections of different sizes and colors – including pink or camo, if that’s your thing. You can even add plastic “spikes” that poke into your shaft when you get hard, and various other accessories.
There was one other feature I liked. I’m a bit of a survival/prepper type guy. No, I don’t live in a bunker under the house or anything like that. But, I constantly maintain awareness of my surroundings and regularly have mental plans for what I’d do if something bad occurred. No, I don’t wander around all day worrying. I just play an ongoing game of “what if.” Anyway, at that time I was working in a major urban/metropolitan area, and had to commute an hour each way. This was at a time when we were having a lot of bombings, mass shootings, civil unrest and racial violence throughout the US. If I got stuck inside the city in a bad situation, the last thing I wanted was my cock and balls all confined in a plastic trap. The CB6000 can be completely removed in an emergency by cutting the end off the plastic center pin. This was a comfort, because I could leave home without any emergency key (more on that in the next section), and still be assured that, with the pocket knife I carry everywhere I go, I could get myself out of the cage if I had to.
The most helpful tip for someone considering the CB6000 would be to arrange to remove the cage for showering each day. It makes cleaning so much easier. Why didn’t I do it that way? Well, Mistress Oasis and I had already decided that our goal in all this was to achieve “24/7” wear for me, with the cage only coming off when she decides to use my cock for her pleasure. From what I’ve studied of the male chastity lifestyle, there are lots of guys out there who share the same desire to remove the cage as little as possible. But, keeping things clean down there is very important. Perhaps a couple can establish a protocol where the Domme unlocks the cage before the sub showers, and replaces it immediately after he towels off.
The Banana Bird Cage – At least that’s my name for it. This was the first cage I began wearing regularly for play with Mistress Oasis. It’s one of the cheaper “One Size Fits All” models found on many adult toy sites, Amazon, and scores of other online shopping outlets. It can go by a number of names and variations. It’s a “one size fits all” cage because it’s made so big that most guys with anything less than a 10 inch schlong can get it into this cage. Larger guys will just have to cram it in kind of tight. Smaller guys will dangle somewhere inside without the head touching the end. The particular one that I’m pictured in here is actually not bad quality. It belonged to Mistress Oasis when I met her, and she doesn’t remember where she got it. They can run anywhere from $12.00 to $30.00, depending on where you look and what country the one you choose originates from.
Again, for being cheap, it’s not a bad cage – for play and maybe short-term fun wear. It will lock you up, prevent you from masturbating yourself to orgasm, and it looks pretty cool, too. Mistress Oasis especially liked how the head of my cock would bulge through the bars when I got hard. This was the cage I wore for a couple of days to determine if I would be interested in actually engaging in long term lock-up. The very first thing I noticed was that this cage created a large, banana-shaped bulge in my pants. Yeah, I know – how is that a problem? Well, this bulge was ridiculous. It looked very much like I’d stuffed a sock down my leg. So, I knew that this cage would not be appropriate for work, or even wandering around in general public. But, I did realize that I was comfortable with the idea of wearing a cage long term. We discussed finding a more practical cage. We decided on the CB6000 from CBX.com.
Maybe you’re reading this as a guy wanting to be caged yourself. Or maybe you’re already a caged male looking to see how my experience compares with yours. Perhaps you are a woman considering chastity for your own man. Whatever your reason for reading this, all I’m offering are my experiences and my reasons for being caged. Each man or couple who are involved in chastity do it for their own reasons.
I don’t wear my cage to prevent infidelity. I don’t have a problem with infidelity. I don’t wear it to prevent masturbation, either. Some guys wear a cage to see how long they can “survive” without having an orgasm. That’s not me. Others wear one because of the constant sense of arousal they get from it. My arousal comes at the hands of my Mistress, not my cage.
For me, the cage is the symbol of my love and devotion to Mistress Oasis. In fact, she refers to it as my wedding ring. My orgasms are hers, and she’s not stingy with me. In fact, she enjoys making me climax. It’s control. We don’t try for marathon stretches of orgasm denial. In fact, I care less about orgasms than I do about receiving pain and spending time in subspace. I can be tortured for hours with no orgasm – and be perfectly content. So, the idea of orgasm denial is kind of lost on me. But, she loves to see my body yield to her in that way. She enjoys watching me lose control at her hands, so I’m never orgasm deprived.
I can’t wear a collar 24/7. I don’t want a tattoo that says “property of” anyone – even though I do consider myself her property. My cage, locked and unlocked exclusively by her, is our chosen sign of my love, devotion, dedication, and servitude to Mistress Oasis. She loves how it looks. She loves the control it gives her. She loves the meaning and the symbolism it holds.
The bottom line of male chastity is this: for us men, the penis is a juggernaut. It defines our “maleness.” Masculine men fear losing it. Even “sissies” and cross dressers focus on their penises for the source of their pleasure. It makes us “men.” Look at the overwhelming array of treatments advertised today for erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and “low testosterone.” Involuntarily losing the penis or its functionality is a fear most men share deep inside.
With that thought in mind, we can understand the profoundness of male chastity. Giving up free control of the penis evokes powerful emotions. The feeling of having our manhood encased in some rigid apparatus draws our attention to it. Having the choice of touching it or not touching it taken away evokes many primal feelings. Not being allowed the freedom to produce our own orgasms at will causes most men a fair bit of anxiety. Oh, yes, it’s always in the back of all our minds, at some level.
So, we invent devices that deny us access to that thing which makes us men – at least temporarily. Like other types of bondage, it allows us to feel that loss of control, that helplessness, even a sense of desperation. But, we do it in a safe environment. For those going it alone, they explore this mindscape with the reassurance that rescue is only as far away as the key or something that can cut away a plastic lock. For those of us with a keyholder, our safety net is the trust we hold in that person to release us if we ever declare that we truly cannot stand it anymore. That trust can evoke feelings and sentiments that become equally as strong as the anxieties awakened by surrendering free will over our manhood. In fact, the trust and love I have for Mistress Oasis is stronger than I’ve ever had for anyone else in my life.
However, the act of encasing one’s penis in metal or plastic creates its own plethora of challenges. Putting a cage on for awhile during a scene normally brings with it no ill effects or inconveniences. But, when the decision is made to wear one for extended periods, challenges arise.
Fit – If a cage is a little big or a little too small during play, it’s no big deal. But, an ill-fitting cage manifests itself as an uncomfortable burden within a few hours. And, getting a cage that fits “properly” is not easy. The penis doesn’t stay the same size all day long. It grows, it shrinks, and it even shrivels. Many cages rely on the balls and scrotum to keep them in place. But, those don’t even stay the same. They loosen and tighten throughout the day. This is why many men who pursue the practice of male chastity wind up going through multiple brands and styles of cages. And, just because one <i>appears<i> to be just what you are looking for online, you can never predict what flaws you’ll find in the design until you get it, and put it on. There are many things to consider – length, girth, curvature, construction material, gap between a base ring and the cage, locking method, assembly, pinch points, weight, oval verses round base ring, etc. The list goes on and on.
Hygiene– Have you ever had to wear a cast? How did it smell after a couple of weeks? Well, a man’s genitals sweat just like an arm or a leg does. Base rings collect dead skin and substances that emit through the skin’s pores throughout the day. The CB3000 type cages, made of plastic, are well known for building up a lot of humidity inside. It is possible to clean chastity cages without removing them, but it is time consuming and takes some effort.
Urination – Unfortunately, to entrap the source of your sexual arousal in a cage also means that you must entrap a very practical appendage in a cage. I’m going to discuss this a lot, because it is an everyday reality that you will have to deal with if you wear a cage long term. You urinate through your penis, which is now in a cage. Most manufacturers include some sort of opening or slot at the tip of their cages to allow for urination. However, pissing with a cage on is never, never anywhere similar to pissing without one. You can’t “shake” clean with a cage on. And, depending on the style of cage, there is never a clean, steady stream. You kind of spray in an unpredictable pattern. And often, some of it dribbles down along the bottom of the cage. If you have a PA piercing, it exacerbates this effect. A lot of cages have a downward curvature, making a straight-forward aim toward a stand-up urinal almost impossible. Often, sitting to urinate becomes your only option for making sure you don’t soak your pants.
Conceal-ability – Almost all of the manufacturers out there will advertise that their cages will “disappear” under your clothing. Maybe so, if you wear combat fatigues. But, I know from personal experience that business clothes and jeans can easily outline the thing that you are trying to hide down there. And, if you’ve ever used a public men’s room, you know that usually those partitions between urinals don’t really prevent anyone from seeing what you’ve got down there. And, just how much fiddling and fumbling can you do while trying to get the apparatus back in your pants before someone starts to wonder just what you’re doing with your junk over there?
Comfort– Even after finding the “perfect” fit – the real test has not yet begun. A cage feels much different when you are naked than it does when it’s tucked into a pair of pants and you are sitting, squatting, kneeling down, or lying on your stomach if you are a handyman like me. Every different position with clothes on presses and shoves the cage in one direction or another. Skin can get pinched between the clothing and the cage. Sitting for long periods can press the edges of the cage into skin, causing discomfort over time. One thing I hated about wearing cages with base rings is how my balls continually got smashed up against the inside of my trousers whenever I sat.
All of these challenges, and still there are lots of us men who choose to do it anyway. None of what I’ve discussed above is to disparage male chastity itself, but only to shed light on the challenges we face once we start down that road. In my next installment of this series, I’ll begin to describe the various cages I’ve tried, along with the characteristics I found to be positive and negative.
Note: In this series, I’ve posted links to videos that Mistress Oasis and I made to demonstrate various cages. Due to WordPress’s limited reliability concerning video file hosting (slow/buffering), I had the videos uploaded to Porn Hub. If you do not wish to have your computer navigate to Porn Hub, please DO NOT click on any images that indicate a video file. Each such link is specifically identified in its caption.
This 8 part series of blog posts chronicles my experiences with male chastity within a Female Led Relationship. I wanted to share with my readers what I’ve learned after having tried various “cages,” and expound on the realities of wearing a cage long-term versus the fantasy images that many guys have concerning being “locked.” This will include reviewing several examples of how wearing a cage affects your everyday life in ways you may have never even thought of. And, let’s face it – this is a great excuse to post a bunch of pictures of my cock without them really qualifying as “dick pics!” Right??
So, let’s get started.
Brief History– For many years, I had no desire to have my cock “caged.” In fact, I’m not even sure I was overtly aware of the existence of cock cages until only about seven years ago. I remember a girlfriend bringing up the idea, and explaining the concept of putting something on my dick that would completely cover and “lock” it. I remember thinking – and saying – “What the fuck would I want to do that for?”
A couple of years later, I was in service to “Mistress X,” whom I talk about in “Energy and BDSM.” She had me tidying up her toy closet one day. (Yes, besides a play room, she had an ENTIRE CLOSET just for toys!) I found a CB3000 cage amongst the toys. I showed it to her, and asked if she’d ever caged a sub for extended periods before. She said she had on a few occasions. We discussed the subject broadly, and my curiosity began to stir about what it would be like to wear one long term, which I communicated to her. (At that point, “long term” in my mind equated to about a week or so.) However, she didn’t jump at the opportunity. Instead, she explained that it was a big decision, and not a simple thing to be caged. She offered to discuss it later, depending on how I did showing my submission in other ways.
About a month later, after an evening of play, Mistress X asked if I’d like to try wearing the cage overnight as I slept. (I spent weekends with Mistress X, and slept in the guest room – our relationship was non-sexual.) I agreed to try it. I recall being somewhat apprehensive, somewhat excited, and somewhat curious. We put the cage on and she placed a lock in the retaining post, but did not secure it. It was entirely up to me that night whether the cage stayed on or came off.
It was an interesting evening, indeed. In one sense, there was nothing really special going on. There was a plastic ring around my balls and a plastic tube encasing my cock – that’s all. However, it still kept me keenly aware of and focused on my genitals. In a way, it felt kind of sexy. And, still there was a sense of loss of my free will. I tried to imagine how I’d feel if this thing was locked, and someone else was in charge of when it came off. That idea bothered my independent, Alpha male senses. “But, what if I were in love and owned by that woman? ,” I thought to myself in the dark. Ahhhhhhh….that thought sparked a little more understanding. And, with some vague images of myself in a collar, lying next to a Domme who’s heart was connected to mine, and my manhood securely locked up in a cage, I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, I took the cage off before going to the restroom. I cleaned and dried it, and went to the kitchen to start my day’s chores. At breakfast, Mistress X and I talked about the experience. I admitted that, indeed, it invoked a lot of feelings. I did not wear the cage again at Mistress X’s.
Fast forward a couple of years. I’d met Mistress Oasis and we had begun playing. She had one of those inexpensive “one size fits all” cages in her toy collection. We began incorporating that in our play. And, somewhere along the way, we fell in love.
This is where my journey down the male chastity path began.
If you have been in a long-term D/s relationship for any length of time, you know that life throws us little curve balls from time to time that can affect our moods and overall enthusiasm for the play we enjoy. Of course, we all have our little practices here and there that help us stay “in role” throughout our days, right? A slave may hand her Master his cup of coffee in a certain way. Or, a Mistress may plant a kiss on her sub with her hand around his throat as a reminder of her position over him. I have my own little idiosyncrasies that I’ll throw into my everyday interactions with Mistress Oasis. But, we aren’t always in the correct mindset to drop what we’re doing and jump into a scene. If we are honest with ourselves, some of life’s little challenges can do a real number on our enthusiasm.
As I wrote about in this post, it’s perfectly okay if you’re not in a play mood. We subs and masochists rely on our mindset the most to allow us to perform in our roles. I’d say if you really cannot shake the “blahs,” or you cannot get the day’s stresses out of your head, then NOT playing is an acceptable choice.
But yesterday was Wednesday – the day that Mistress Oasis and I eagerly look forward to each week. Wednesdays are set aside as our weekly “play day.” That’s not to say that we don’t play on any other day or night. But, we have declared every Wednesday to be totally devoted to play. No matter what, we turn off the work computers. I get the play room and the rest of the house set up. Phones are turned off. All day and well into the night, we play, and love, and interact within our roles with no outside interruptions. We do nice, long, intense scenes with leisurely breaks in between. And, despite my stresses this week – yesterday was another awesome play-day with my Mistress.
If you are like me, it is difficult to just put down all the little demons in your life and keep them out of your head for several hours to indulge in BDSM play. But mindset IS crucial in our arena. And, the harder you play, the more important it is to not allow wayward thoughts into your head. Here are 5 methods I use when I want to get myself out of the emotional funk and into play mode.
Give yourself permission – Remind yourself and accept that all of those problems that you are worrying about will be right there waiting for you again when you are finished playing, and that it is okay to put them on the proverbial “back burner” while you enjoy yourself for a little while. If you are a sub, perhaps it would help for your Dominant to verbally confirm that you have permission to set aside your worries for a while, and enjoy your time together.
Schedule Play – Impromptu play and play with little warning can be fun. However, it gives you little time to mentally prepare if you are in a funk. Trying to “push through” and just perform despite your head not being in the game can really turn out bad. Just ask any masochistic sub. We feel like total failures when we have to use a safeword and make our Domme taper down the intensity. With a specific date and time established for a scene, you have more opportunity to mentally prepare and establish the necessary mindset.
Ritualize – Come up with routines that signify your bond with your partner. Having certain rituals you do just prior to play is a great way to condition your mind and body. You can ritualize undressing, or having cuffs placed on. I have a particular leather collar I wear for play time. Only Mistress Oasis puts it on and takes it off. I assume a position on all fours for her to do this. Ritual. When my sensory deprivation hood goes on, I kneel on the floor in front of the couch and Mistress sits down to put it on me. Ritual. Other examples can be foot or back rubs, showering or bathing each other. Maybe doing some domestic chores is your thing. Over time, your mind associates the repeated ritual acts with the sensations and emotions you experience from the play. You’ll discover that just going through the rituals will stir emotions and arousal in you before you even get started with the play.
Start with sex – If you’ve read either of my books, FemDom Dating or Energy and BDSM, you’ll know that I put a lot of emphasis on not making sex your primary focus in your BDSM endeavors. The rewards are well worth any “frustration” you might suffer. However, if you are with an established and regular partner, then sometimes a good roll in the hay prior to BDSM play can really get your juices flowing, and help you re-connect. But for you guys, hold back the orgasm. We tend to perform better when we’re “under tension.” I’ve had lots of Dommes proclaim that most male subs are pretty useless after a climax. I know I lose about half my pain tolerance with an orgasm. Even if I take some time for a re-charge, and play again, my pain threshold usually isn’t the same.
Organize the play area – This aspect sort of blurs into the “ritualize” category. Certainly the act of organizing your play area can be ritualized. But, having your play area set up can help you avoid uncomfortable pauses in play that can pull you back out of the mood. Lay toys out neatly so each can be found easily. Pre-tie your tie points. Carabiners clips from Home Depot are cheap and handy for easy on / easy off subbie restraining. Adjust any straps, buckles, slides, or snaps on any accessories that have them so there is a minimum of fumbling when it’s time to put things on.
In the end, if nothing else works, you can always conclude that your head just isn’t right for play. But there are still non-play activities you can engage in within your dynamic. But over the years, I’ve found that, using the methods described above, I’ve gotten myself out of some pretty bad funks and enjoy some fantastic scenes.
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