The Cost Of A Fuck-Up

I haven’t been around for a bit.

I haven’t posted anything since last month. I haven’t been on my Twitter account, or my Fetlife or FakeBook accounts either. Yet the clicks keep on coming and coming here on my “Thoughts of a Male Submissive” blog. So I really want to thank all of you who check back here regularly, even when there’s nothing new to look at or read.

I haven’t been very interested in writing for a bit, as I’ve been working through some things.

I did something that hurt Mistress Oasis and shook her trust in me. We faced the issue and talked through it. I didn’t try to defend anything, because I knew I’d hurt her. That’s what felt the worst – even worse than the situation itself.

We played about a week later, and I went very deep into subspace. She went harder than usual in her sadism, and I soaked up everything she had to dish out. This plunged me even deeper into my euphoria. After a short break following some intense single-tail whipping, she removed my hood which had, up to that point, prevented me from seeing or hearing anything.

I rested on the bed with her by my side for a while longer, and then I got up to get something. It was then I saw the look on her face and realized something wasn’t right. I asked a couple of times and coaxed her to tell me what was on her mind. She admitted that during our play she’d realized that she was still mad at me. She continued explaining that some of the additional intensity in the sadism came from her anger and desire to punish me for what I’d done.

My first reaction was deep sadness and guilt for what I’d done a week earlier. Very soon, that turned to hurt because we have never discussed the idea of introducing physical punishment for real-life transgressions into our relationship. I’m not completely against punishment. But the protocol would have to include explaining beforehand that punishment was being considered, and for what reason. It wasn’t long before my high-flying subspace began morphing into a headlong crash.

This was the hardest part for me. I was experiencing sudden, intense sub-drop. However, I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Normally, I let her know when sub-drop hits me, and she cares for me as I go through it. However, I realized that I was the cause of this situation and wasn’t about to complain about how I felt.

This went on for another week. I had headaches, body aches, fatigue and depression. But I stayed silent, feeling I had no right to complain. I finally broke my silence one morning as we were lying in bed. I explained how much hurting her had hurt me, and how I couldn’t open up about my sub-drop because of my guilt. We talked everything out at length, and she was very happy that I’d opened up to her.

So what do I take away from this experience? And what can you, reading this, take away from it?

  • Communication in a committed D/s relationship is paramount. The “original sin” that I’d committed had to do with failing to communicate fully with my Mistress, causing her to question my intentions and trustworthiness. We’d have never experienced this episode if I’d simply updated her on things going on. Additional communication after the initial discussion over the matter could have helped avoid the negative play experience later.
  • You’re never too old or too experienced to make mistakes, or to hurt your partner. You have to be willing to face that and accept responsibility when it happens – even if it wasn’t your intention.
  • As I’ve explained before, real D/s and sadomasochism is far more than just “kinky sex.” Deep submission and domination take the mind, body and emotions into very vulnerable territory. I never blamed Mistress Oasis for the negative feelings creeping in during our play. It happens. I’ve had it happen to me. And if this were vanilla sex (or even “kinky” sex) the worst that would have happened is that I’d have rolled over and been disappointed. But this was a heavy sadomasochistic interaction. The interruption left Mistress Oasis feeling guilty as hell, and it left me feeling guilty and suffering serious sub-drop.

After that second talk, the air was fully clear. We’ve played again since then. I went nice and deep once again, and she went wild and sadistic once again. But this time it was the familiar, loving sadism I’ve come to know and love from my Mistress.

I think it’s important to share experiences like these, especially with those who are new to this lifestyle. The intense emotions we experience in BDSM can cause even minor misunderstandings feel like the end of the world, or like there is nowhere to turn to fix things. The best course of action is to simply communicate with honesty, re-confirm that you love what you have with your partner, and that you want to find a solution to whatever issues you are having.

 

In the end, this may well be the deepest love you’ll ever feel for someone. It’s definitely worth the effort.

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