One little confession I make in my book “Energy and BDSM” is that I haven’t always been a submissive. I was previously a switch – deriving almost equal pleasure from topping and bottoming, delivering pain and receiving pain. My daydreams and secret thoughts when I was a very young boy revolved around subduing girls, and being subdued myself… hurting girls and seeing their distress, and being tortured by a woman taking gleeful pride in making me cry out in my own pain. I remember reading a passage in a book a long time ago of a woman whom the author knew who said she couldn’t even make love anymore unless someone was being hurt. I knew exactly what that felt like.
When I first stepped into the “community” in my early twenties, I immediately identified as a “Dom.”
But of course! I was a young man, full of testosterone and attitude. I was just a year out of the military, very Alpha male – I had a lot to prove to the world. Certainly, I wasn’t going to be a sub!
I diligently studied safety, aftercare, technique, and mental aspects of being a Dominant. I loved securing my (then) wife to the bed or to eyehooks we had up in the ceiling, and doing all of the deliciously devious things to her I had only fantasized about all through my boyhood.
But all that didn’t quench the masochist in me. The fact was that I always felt a screaming need to be hurt as well. Sometimes, I could convince her to do some of the things to me that I wanted to experience. But it never quite felt “right” having these things done by someone who needed convincing.
Our divorce some four years later opened up new opportunities for me to explore the BDSM world. I spent many years identifying as a “Dom,” then later a switch – but I continued to date submissive women.
I’ve always been self-sufficient. Early on, I’d learned to cook for myself, do my own laundry, and clean an apartment for myself. Hell, I even know how sew in case something gets ripped. Perhaps it’s OCD but I’ve always preferred to do things for myself rather than depend on anyone else to do them for me because, after all, I know exactly how I want it done.
Later, as these submissive women would try to do things around the house for me, I wouldn’t let them, mainly out of feeling as if I was putting them out. I never wanted to be that slob on the couch telling his girlfriend “go get me this” and “go make me that.” If I needed something from the fridge, I was perfectly capable of standing up, and getting it myself. I ironed my own work clothes, and folded laundry. I helped with house cleaning because, hell, why should she be made to do all that?
The fact was, I wasn’t a “Dominant.”
I was a great “TOP.” My play was creative, energetic, even spiritual. I was great at taking control once the scene started, and maintaining it well into the aftercare. But, I was just never any good at sitting back, and letting anyone “do” for me – especially anything I could easily do for myself.
I remember dating a sub who had once been an owned slave – very highly protocoled. The first time she had me over, and made dinner for me, she set the table, and put all the food down, then waited for me to give her permission to sit. She then waited again for permission to eat! I quickly saw this as way too much nonsense, and explained (after about the third time this happened) that I wasn’t “that” kind of Dom and that she was free to sit and eat whenever it suited her.
It wasn’t until later, when I chose to pursue submission (over just being a bottom) that I really understood the “need” for service – actually doing things on a constant basis to reinforce the adoration I have for the one who controls me. What a revelation!
While I have to admit that there is some guilt for not understanding this need in the subs that I dated in the past, I think my experiences as a Top makes me a better submissive in the end. Knowing the kinds of behaviors that I used to enjoy seeing from a sub when I was in charge of things allows me to be less inhibited in front of Mistress Oasis. I’ve also realized the deep satisfaction of letting go of all control – even if just for a few hours – and doing only what I’m commanded and directed. In day to day life, Mistress Oasis prefers that I be somewhat autonomous. Because we run a business, she cannot be harnessed with the responsibility of telling me what to do from one moment to the next. But, when we do take a little time to be fully in our roles, availing myself completely to her whims and desires is like a mini-vacation.
So, yes – through all those years I suppressed the submissive man deep inside of me, I missed out on a lot. But, is was not all in vain. I’m able to apply much of what I learned and experienced as a Top to my submissive life now, and make it absolutely phenomenal.