AAAArrrgghhh!!!!!! – I can’t take it anymore!!!
…..Okay, I’ve got that out of my system and now I can write this in a calm manner.
I was browsing one of the FetLife groups I belong to today. I happened upon yet another post from yet another man who who was complaining about the “clicky-ness” (for lack of a better term) on FetLife, and the fact that one of his posts on another group had been removed for being off topic or inappropriate for that group. He went on to complain that, when he asks questions in groups, he’s scolded by some members for whatever. (See my blog post on trolls HERE.)
As is my usual practice, I clicked over to his profile to learn more about this person before I posted a comment about his “topic.” As I guessed, he was a sub whose entire profile description was about wanting to find Dommes to play with. The description was basically two short paragraphs with no real detail about himself, except what he wanted to “find” on FetLife (play partners). He had one picture of himself (I suppose) dressed, and from the neck down. So, I give him points for not having a dick pic as his profile photo. But, there’s a pattern I’ve noticed. These posts usually come for guys who thought that posting a profile on Fetlife, and messaging some women, was going to set them up with a lifetime of kinky play and sex. But, that’s another topic for another blog post.
Hey guys – here’s some tough love:
Nobody cares that you aren’t having fun on FetLife!!
Now, I can agree with you on many points.
YES, it is incredibly difficult and frustrating if you are wanting to live out your male submissive dreams, and you are trying to do so without ever leaving the safety of your bedroom. I’m always going to circle back to my point that the magic normally doesn’t happen until you show up in person to events where you can meet people for real.
YES, I think too many people on FetLife are not nice. I believe we should all be more understanding of others, and realize that we were all new at one time and we all struggled to learn everything that we now know. I wish things were the way I experienced them back in the 90s, when most people online were civil and eager to explain what they knew without judgement. But, that train left the station a long time ago.
YES, I know that it’s not easy being a single sub male in an ocean of single sub males, all trying to get noticed and hopefully catch the eye of one of the very few Dominant women out there. Hell, that’s exactly why I spent a year writing “FemDom Dating.” I realized that it wasn’t possible that all of the guys I saw sending really bad messages and posting really silly shit were simply assholes. It can be frustrating and it’s nice to have someone who’s been through it help guide your way.
HOWEVER – whining about it in a group (even if posed as a reasonable “question”) is not appreciated by anyone. It is seen as childish and wimpy. Plus, everyone is busy trying to get what they are after on FetLife, be it a date, online validation and confirmation that people “like” them, a sense of community, a good wank session – whatever. They are not interested in consoling you or me over our exasperation that things are going the way we thought they would on FetLife.
Here are some pointers that I think can help when you are getting frustrated at a lack of progress in your online efforts on FetLife.
- If you are online trying to meet your “forever” Domme, and are bombing out – YOU NEED MY BOOK!!
- Opinions are like assholes – everybody has one … and some make more noise than others. – Get used to it. If you post something in cyberspace where hundreds of people are going to see it, there will be hundreds of differing opinions as to how intelligent, relevant, or interesting your post is. If the moderators of the group you are in feel your post doesn’t belong there, they have the right to remove it. People who don’t agree with you are going to say so. Some will be very nasty about it.
- Your education is your responsibility – If you’re a newbie, the BDSM world can be very confusing. This is especially true as you learn more and more about the difference between what you thought BDSM was like and what its realities are. There is much to learn. And, there are thousands of resources available online that explain damn near everything you could want to know about your specific kink. Something I’ve observed over the last 30 years is that, with all of the information at our fingertips, most people still prefer to learn things person to person. And, I will agree that there are people who will react rudely when you post a question that they feel is basic knowledge. But, it is up to you to try to learn all you can yourself. When I first got into the BDSM community, I bought STACKS of books on BDSM 101, psychology behind D/s, how to top, how to tie knots, how to play safely, how to throw a whip, etc. Take time, and study up.
- You’ll get more out of real life – Oh, I know. Here I am – one more asshole telling you to “go to a munch.” Here’s the reality: I don’t care how many discussions you have online, how many articles you read, or how many pictures and videos you look at – you won’t learn as much as you will meeting, talking to, and watching people who actually do what you are wanting to do. And, as I explain in both my books, your chances of actually meeting someone, and getting an opportunity to play increase astronomically once you show up in real life to events. I don’t care how many people brag about having a fulfilling “online” D/s relationship. They wouldn’t be saying that if they’d experienced the real thing.
- A lot of FetLifers have never been to a munch either – When Mistress_So_and_So (who posts 50 comments every day and who’s profile claims she’s been a “Lifestyle Domme” for 20+ years – and has no photo of herself) trashes you over a post, relax. I have no hard numbers or research. But, I know how my friends who actually show up for events “speak” on FetLife. And, a lot of people on FL do not speak the same way. Think about it, some of these people are on there posting, “liking,” commenting and criticizing all day long. If they are really living 24/7 D/s lives, why do they need to be on FL all the time? Now, I post things as often as I can. It gets me seen, and sells books. But I run a business, I serve a real-life Domme, and we really play. I far prefer real service and real play to reading about it, and looking at pictures. Think about that when one of these chronic FL trolls hammers you online. Chances are that they aren’t getting any more action than you are. But, by criticizing everyone, they think they sound more “informed.” You have no idea. Move on, and don’t let it bother you.
- None of it matters! – I’m going to tell you a secret. The 200 messages you sent out that received no reply, the 5 or 6 questions you asked in the “For Newbies” group that got you slammed by a gang of cackling hens pecking away at their keyboards – even the time you jumped in a group and got scolded because you asked if there were any Dommes in your area who wanted to play; none of it will matter when (and if) you meet a Domme who finds you worthy of date. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Don’t give people a reason not to like you. Posting general complaints on FetLife about FetLife will not win anyone over – and it certainly isn’t going to get you a date with a Domme. Learn to blow off the bad stuff, and keep moving forward.