Submissive males, here’s some advice that could prove invaluable to you:
Set aside your overbearing desire for sex – and you just might wind up having better sexual experiences that you’ve ever dared dream of.
In my book, ENERGY and BDSM, I discuss energy between BDSM practitioners, how to become more aware of your own energy, and ways to enhance that energy connection between partners in a BDSM environment. Since my start in the 90’s I’ve spent many years performing scenes at clubs and dungeons that had “No Penetration” and “No Bodily Fluids” rules, so early on I got to learn to appreciate the joy and intensity of an S/M scene without expectations of sex or orgasm – and I started out as a Top! Whenever I was not partnered in life with someone, I had a lot more play without sex than I would actually have sex itself. I always chased the “head high” of the experience, along with the energy connection with the person I was playing with at any given moment.
That’s not to say that I’m “a-sexual” or not very sexually driven or what-not. Hell, I LOVE sex. And I love orgasms. But I knew how to shelve that and enjoy a scene with a beautiful naked woman in front of me without constantly being focused on her or my genital or desire to get laid. That in itself had payoffs, as I gained a reputation as “that guy” who club managers and dungeon owners would recommend to any new ladies who might be there on their first visit and want to experiment, but didn’t know how or – more importantly – with whom to play. Being known as a Top who didn’t take himself too seriously, would stay well within limits, and never tried to take advantage of a sub or bottom gave me even more play opportunities.
I’ve always preached that “This is not just sex.” I used to get so disgusted at people who couldn’t get past the naked imagery and the raw arousal quality of what we kinksters do. But, as I’m older, I realize that for some that’s as deep as BDSM or D/s will ever go and there is no interest in seeing anything more in it. They’re not “bad.” They just aren’t interested in experiencing anything deeper than an orgasm.
However, for you guys who identify for real as one who gains his happiness when making someone else happy, one of the first things you must learn is to regulate the flames of sexual desire for the purpose of attaining a place within your higher calling. I didn’t say give up on sex, or totally deny yourself sex. I said REGULATE. The Dommmes I’ve known far prefer to control a man who is already in control of himself.
It is not a losing proposition. Let me tell you what you stand to gain. Having those above-stated qualities can attract some very strong, sophisticated, and caring women to you. Turning your focus from sex to simply pleasing a woman without expectations can lead to very meaningful relationships. this can lead to falling in love. I’m here to tell you that sex with a strong, intelligent, dominant and caring woman that you are madly and helplessly in love with is an experience like no other. Your wildest visually oriented sex fantasies come nowhere close to what is felt when there is a heart connection.
I am desperately in love with my incredible Mistress, who also loves me. That alone makes the service better. It makes the naked vulnerability better. It makes the pain better. And when she orders me to “Get on that bed!” – what follows is a body, mind and HEART experience that has been known to almost render me unconscious at times.
Guys – it all begins with focusing on her.