The Popularity Trap

A little while ago, I was browsing FetLife from my personal account. I read a writing from someone I know locally. In it, this person discussed their introduction into the public BDSM scene. The piece discussed meeting someone quite popular in the local scene, who had greeted them and offered advice as to folks who would be good for a new person to hang around with and other folks who – for various reasons – a new, fresh, young person might want to be a little more cautious around.
The writer went on to describe becoming intimately involved with one of the people she was “warned’ about and how happy they both are now. Then the piece mentioned that the “popular” person who gave the initial advice is no longer active in the local community. The writing quickly took on a rather condescending tone, more or less saying, “Look! They’re gone and I’m still around!!”
It was basically like a claim to being “kind of the mountain.”
I happen to know the person they were speaking of. And, I happen to know that the person met someone they fell in love with and moved to another state, where there is very limited number of active kinksters. Therefore, it’s understandable that they would now be “gone” from the local community they originally were a part of. It doesn’t mean that they were banished or ran off in shame.
This is one big reason that Mistress Oasis and I are no longer “in the scene.” The community I used to love so much and that felt like a safe escape from the outside world has pretty much become the outside world. Personality conflicts, popularity contests, character assassination, pettiness, drama, political strife – it has all infected this community.
Originally, my main reason for getting away from the public scene is that Mistress Oasis and I discovered that our dynamic and our play grew and improved by leaps and bounds when we practiced these things in private. With no one around to model what our relationship “should” be, and no overt popularity contests playing out in front of us, our attention and focus turned decidedly inward – toward us.
As Mistress Oasis and I played more and more in private – away from loud, booming music…away from raucous, drunken laughter and loud voices all competing to be heard – we found a magical, sensual place where our connection flourished and thrived.
In 2016, during the height of the last presidential election, the dark underbelly of social media really revealed itself in all its ugliness. Both Mistress Oasis and I had lifestyle friends (who were actually friends in real life) who became simply vicious toward us because we didn’t share their political ideas. We were called all sorts of disgusting names and eventually had to end those friendships (both online and in real life.) What upset us the most was that these people were willing to accuse us of thinking and believing things that were absolutely false – all because they disagreed with us politically. And they knew these accusations to be false because they knew us. That little fiasco really woke us up, and we became less and less active in online interactions. We realized that it was yet another petty popularity contest we were competing in.
Most recently, I’ve even reduced my use of social media in attempting to market my books. Again,  it seemed that rather than simply enjoying my relationship and lifestyle with my Mistress, I was constantly competing for views and clicks. I was checking my blog starts several times a day,  checking book sales,  checking “likes” and “loves” and building strategies to get more. Why? My book sales are fine. I realized I was stressing out over something that really didn’t matter.
Here’s my bottom line: Do you love this lifestyle? Don’t let social media slime it up for you. If you need Fetlife and social media to help you meet your soul-mate, by all means use it. But, as I point out in my book, “FemDom Dating,” FetLife and social media are not the lifestyle – only a part of it. If you find someone who fits your needs, focus on them. Focus on your relationship with them. And there is nothing wrong with stepping back from FetLife, Twitter and other social media. You’d be amazed how your BDSM relationship can flourish when you turn your attention and energy toward each other and away from the cyber world.
Slave Dragos, author of the two books below, is a full-time male submissive living in the USA. He is owned and employed by Mistress Oasis, who runs an international business. Dragos has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle since the late 1980s and continues to thrive today in his role as a male sub. 

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