Topping From the Bottom Ain’t Always Bad

Topping a semi-heavy masochist is not easy. I know, I’ve been at both ends of the whip. By “semi-heavy masochist,” I mean someone who needs much more than some spanking and flogging, but who still has limits that fall short of the severe. For masochists like us, it’s a balance. We like to creep up to just this side of “RED,” and then ride the edge of that cliff as long as we can.

For the Top or Dominant of such a masochist, keeping them on that cliff isn’t an easy job. Speaking personally, my reactions to pain while riding that edge can be very intense and dramatic. Although I’m not uttering a safe-word, it can appear as if I’m really struggling to endure the pain. On top of that, my pain threshold fluctuates – sometimes from day to day. Mistress Oasis often struggles with just how hard to push me. She loves inflicting pain and savors my reactions to it. However, hearing a safe-word come from me really upsets her. She shoulders the “fault” for pushing me “too far,” despite the fact that neither one of us truly knows what “too far” is until we get there.

Several times throughout my years in the lifestyle, I’ve “bottomed” for newbies trying to learn or hone their skills. It was no big thing for me to coach them along as they would flog me. “It’s okay, you can swing harder.” “Don’t hit there, that’s my kidney.” “Try stepping back/stepping closer and make sure to aim your swing.” You get the gist. I was a training dummy who gave real time feedback.

The phenomenon of “Topping from the Bottom” is usually referred to in a negative light. Subs are not supposed to top from the bottom, because this is disrespectful to the Dominant. It’s viewed as not being a “good submissive.” For anyone who may not know what “Topping from the Bottom” is, imagine a sub, on their hands and knees with their ass in the air. Their Dominant is busy working on them with a flogger. Now imagine the sub saying, “Hey, try to hit more in the center, not just the right cheek. I like it more centered.”…”Why don’t you work on my back for a while? I like it on my back more than my ass.” … “Oh, can you switch to the heavy flogger? This one is too stingy.” That should give you the idea. The sub wants to be “dominated” by someone, but wants to call all the shots along the way.

It’s not just Dominants who look poorly upon this behavior. Many of us subs don’t like it either. Speaking personally again, I don’t like to have to engage my brain in a scene to the point necessary to actually speak coherently. I enjoy letting go and flying away while Mistress Oasis does her thing. Yes, sometimes she does things that I can honestly say I don’t “like.” However, as I explain in my book “ENERGY and BDSM,” enduring pain that I truly don’t enjoy for the sake of my Mistress’s enjoyment often melts me into a deeper submissive state in my own head. And the “not-so-fun” stuff doesn’t last forever. Eventually, we get back to something that I love, and the roller coaster ride goes on and on.

However, Mistress Oasis and I occasionally change things up a bit, she will let me run the show from a position of vulnerability. It helps us grow in our dynamic, because it takes the responsibility of “reading me” off of her shoulders. Basically, we do things we normally do, except I give more positive verbal feedback. During our regular play, I don’t speak much, unless something is wrong. During these occasional “Top from the Bottom” days, I can encourage her to do more, or to continue to increase the intensity, or even suggest new things that I’ve wanted to try.

I know it’s tempting to think, “Why can’t she just keep increasing intensity on her own as long as you aren’t calling a safe-word?” That would be a good question. And again, it goes back to her not wanting to get to the point of a safe word. Some sadists are perfectly comfortable pushing further and further as long as a sub allows them. However, in Mistress Oasis’s mind, once the safe-word has been uttered, things have gone too far and a sense of guilt and responsibility accompany that. She’s not as unique as you may think. There are lots of sadists out there who really, really get off on hurting someone, as long as that masochist is clearly enjoying the ride – but cannot stand the idea of truly causing someone “bad” pain. This is a very positive trait for a sadist to posses. So it is because of this that the occasional break from the norm can be helpful in a sado-masochistic relationship.

Another benefit of these sessions, as I mentioned earlier, is the chance to try some new things. I have a very fertile imagination when it comes to dreaming up creative ways for my body to be bound and tortured. Some of these ideas can be pretty complex. So, just telling someone the idea and having them try to act it out often doesn’t achieve the desired result. Mistress Oasis loves when I rig up a new bondage position, or a new CBT idea. We recently introduced pulleys to go along with our weight play. Using pulleys and weights to place a load on nipple clamps or a CBT parachute opens up all kinds of new possibilities. But one has to familiarize themselves with more knots, mechanical reasoning, proper weight placement, etc. Allowing me to guide the activity allows her to understand exactly the ideas I have in my head and duplicate, or even modify them.

Additionally, these sessions do not always remain academic. Some of our absolute best scenes have started out with me coaching her in a new idea. Once the ball gets rolling, she gets very “into” what she is doing, and I get very “into” what is happening to me. We basically both get so hot we fall back into our proper roles and play out a real scene.

So, if you’ve always thought of “Topping from the Bottom” as a bad thing, perhaps you should consider how much you, as a Dominant, could learn – or you, as a sub, could benefit from setting aside some time to let the “bottom” take the steering wheel for a few hours and test the waters. You may be shocked at the exciting new things you’ll discover.

 

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Before You Choose the Dungeon as Your Therapy Couch…

Your life is a mess, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’ve just never been able to relate well with people. Perhaps someone you loved fucked you over. Perhaps someone way back in your past hurt you, and you cannot go a day without something reminding you of what happened – and the fact that you didn’t deserve it. Maybe your spouse can’t (or won’t) accept or try to understand your deep, unyielding need for an exchange of power and control in your relationship.

You’ve been clicking all over the Internet – looking at the kinky pictures, reading the kinky stories, hearing the accounts of how magical BDSM is. People write endless renditions of how their lives suddenly became enriched after finally stepping into the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant/submissive or Sadist/masochist relationships open people’s hearts and emotions to depths they’ve never experienced before.

So, you start to believe that finding a kinky partner will fix everything. It will make you whole again. It will cure your depression. It will remove (or justify) the hurt you feel inside. It’s the answer you’ve been looking for, right?

It’s time for someone to shake you, and give you a dose of reality.

This lifestyle does not cure depression. This lifestyle does not turn an irresponsible person into a responsible person. It does not cure PTSD. It does not cure alcoholism, drug addiction, or stupidity. It won’t wipe away a history of child abuse or sexual abuse. It’s merely an alternative to a vanilla existence.

It is human nature to seek things that make us happy and normalize our lives. I know that BDSM and “normal” are not terms usually used in the same context. But, the very things that get branded as “kinky” are very normal for someone with a deeply embedded need for masochism, sadism, dominance or submission. For me, submitting to Mistress Oasis is normal, not “kinky.” For Mistress Oasis, hurting me to say “I love you” is normal.

In my book, FemDom Dating, I devote a chapter to self-reflection prior to just jumping into the scene and BDSM relationships. One piece of advice I give is to take care of your emotional baggage before seeking and dating potential partners.

In the BDSM world, we manipulate brain chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. Each of these can have a profound effect on a person’s emotions. However, depending on the types of activities you engage in, your brain may experience a spike in all four of these. If you already struggle with feelings of depression, inadequacy, abandonment, loss, victim-hood, or a myriad of other complex emotions, there is no telling what a cocktail of mind altering chemicals may result in.

I know personally the roller coaster of emotions that is possible during masochistic play. I’ve felt myself go through euphoria, anger, frustration, passion, fear, resignation, panic, and vulnerability. Often, I go through several of these emotions during the course of a scene. But, that’s what I’m after – a dance along a cliff where I tempt and flirt with all of these feelings, while knowing in the back of my mind that no real physical harm is going to come to me. But occasionally, the emotional ride has been too intense for me and I had to stop scenes because of panic or loss of coherent thought. And, I have my mind right. If you have a whirlwind of stressful emotions spinning in your head in your vanilla life, unleashing vast amounts of these chemicals into your brain could intensify your negative feelings.

The potential for trouble doesn’t disappear when the scene is over. At some point those chemicals wear off. Your brain can actually go through a withdrawal stage as it adjusts to the lower levels of these substances. “Sub Drop” is a term used to describe a submissive experiencing negative physical and emotional effects when these chemical levels start dropping in the brain. I myself have experienced depression, lethargy, headaches, even hangover-type feelings a day or two after a really good scene. However, I know what it is when I experience it and Mistress Oasis stays close to me, reassuring me as I deal with the negative feelings, and wait for them to pass. It can sometimes be a full day or two.

Play is not the only place where our minds walk a tightrope. The relationship dynamics within the BDSM world are complex. BDSM relationships tend to be far more intense than what you find in the vanilla world. We communicate on a deeper level, exposing vulnerable and sensitive things about ourselves. That’s how we are able to interact the way we do, whether it’s service oriented, sexual, or sado-masochistic. We have to open our hearts and our innermost hidden places to each other to achieve the experiences we crave. If you’re struggling with a bunch of emotional crap that you cannot deal with, having someone toying around with your psychological “goo” like it was Jell-o is asking for trouble sooner or later.

This aspect of the BDSM lifestyle doesn’t just apply to submissives. Dominants need to have their heads screwed on right as well. Some of them don’t. Above all other things, a submissive wants to trust their dominant. A sub needs to know that their dom is looking out for their well-being. We subs who are also flying masochists depend on our dominant to be cognizant of our responses, our safety, and our emotional status during our play. We need to trust that they will do this so we can “let go,” and drift away into an alternative consciousness.

The deeper a relationship goes, the more a sub gives of him or herself. Being able to depend on a dom being stable and predictable within the relationship allows the submissive to lower more walls, and become more open to the dom.  This becomes harder if the dom exhibits unpredictable or irrational reactions to life’s little “situations.”

People with very low self-esteem tend to drag those around them down as well. Insecure people often display possessiveness and suspicion toward a partner. Trying to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is usually a crutch, and tends to create an atmosphere of comparing the new partner to the old. And, even if the new partner passes the scrutiny with flying colors, no one enjoys hearing the constant re-telling of tales about things the old partner did to hurt you.

As wild as our lifestyle may seem from the outside, it actually requires a level head to make it work and grow long term. It can be the answer to all your prayers if you’ve had to suppress it most of your life. However, it doesn’t cure crazy. Get your emotional house in order before jumping into this game. It makes this lifestyle easier for everyone involved.

 

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“OOPS!!” – Being prepared for BDSM’s boo-boos

Last night, I was in heaven. Mistress Oasis had me in predicament bondage position, my balls wrapped in a leather stretcher being pulled in one direction, and an anal hook pulling me in the opposite direction. Unable to move forward or back, I was hopelessly vulnerable to whatever whe wanted to do with me.

One of those things she did with me was use some very sharp metal finger claws on the thinly stretched skin containing my balls. After several minutes of incredibly intense, incredibly sharp sensations, Mistress Oasis stopped.

“We’re going to take a little break,” she said. “It looks like I’ve drawn some blood”

I protested a bit, insisting that a little blood wasn’t going to kill me. However, she was having none of it. The small punctures were unintentional, but her concern was over infection more than any discomfort (or arousal) I may have been experiencing. After taking a moment to snap the picture you see, she released me and we addressed the situation. A little cleaning, some direct pressure to stop the bleeding, a little NeoSporin on the family jewels, and I was back in another bound position getting my ass cheerfully striped with a cane.

If you engage in sadomasochistic play for any length of time, something will go wrong sooner or later. I’ve seen my share of very hard-core players, for whom drawing blood, causing severe marks, and inflicting deep bruising are all part of the intended outcome in their play. For the most part, these people know what they are doing and prepare accordingly for the “injuries” they are are expected to encounter. However, most folks – especially beginners – are usually hoping to go home with little more than reddened ass cheeks. Whatever type of player you may evolve into down the road, it’s a good idea to start out early with safety in mind.

We sadomasochists pursue our thrills in an imperfect world. Things go wrong. Whip wielding tops miss their mark. Knots come untied and hardware fails. A bottom/sub can lose their footing. The list of possible mishaps is lengthy. And then, occasionally, one or both parties can get just a little over-zealous and … “Oops!”

Neither one of you needs to be a doctor or a paramedic to ensure that those moments don’t turn into bigger problems. Just having some basic first aid knowledge and some simple supplies on hand can ensure that you are ready for almost any “Oops.”

Mistress Oasis loves to rip off clothespins. This one took a little something with it!!

But first, what can save you more trouble than anything else is your mindset. Losing yourself in your play is part of the fun. But keeping part of your brain engaged and constantly asking yourself what could possibly go wrong is your best defense against accidental injury. Always be playing the “what if” game. This is mostly the job of the Top or Dom. The sub, or bottom, should try to be aware of potential dangers as well. However, we masochists tend to drift off into a deep La-La land and our brains pretty much turn to mush at some point. A responsible Top should always keep a portion of their mind outside the scene, monitoring the environment in and around the scene.

In my time as a bottom and a sub, I’ve experienced nipple clamps placed improperly that slid off, causing horriffic “bad” pain. I’ve been hit in the nuts by a cane strike intended for my thigh. I’ve had my feet accidentally stepped on with heeled boots. I’ve had singletail whips cracked on my neck, ear and the back of my head. And once I even had a Domme trip over a length of twine that was tied to my balls and stretched across the room to a piece of furniture. Each of these could have been avoided with a little more thought, care, or practice on the part of the Domme having her way with me at the time. But again, if you play long enough and with enough people, accidents are going to happen.

Are you trained in CPR? You should be. Heart attacks aren’t just for old folks anymore. Do you or your partner have any medical issues that need to be addressed? I have asthma, so there is always an emergency inhaler nearby when Mistress Oasis plays with me, just in case.

However, most bottoms do not keel over from life threatening medical conditions during a scene. The main types of injuries you’ll come across during basic play are bruises, cuts/abrasions, and friction burns. As your play becomes more advanced, the possibility and severity of injuries increase. This is why more advanced play, such as singletail whips, hot wax, needles, edge play and others require more in-depth training and thought to be performed safely. In this article, I’ll be covering only basic boo-boos resulting from basic play.

A really basic first aid kit should be all you need to handle any minor injuries. Here’s a list of the minimum equipment you should have:

Medical grade shears – Get these at any drug store. Don’t be cheap. Get a pair of decent quality. These not only cut bandages, but can cut through rope or twine in an emergency. If they are good quality, they can also cut through leather (for when you lose the key to those little padlocks on your sub’s leather cuffs.)

Antiseptic – The purpose of this is to clean the wound and kill any germs that got in already. Hydrogen peroxide works fine. You can buy various antiseptic cleaners in the first aid section of any pharmacy. Iodine is good, but it can stain the skin. Heavier players involved in needles or cutting use a surgical grade antiseptic such as Hibiclens. You can, too, but the aforementioned stuff works just fine for minor cuts and scrapes.

Antibiotic ointment/creme – This is to fight off any germs that may get in after the wound is clean. keeping a wound clean and adding something to kill off any invading microbes will help speed up healing. Neosporin is the most popular brand. Store brands are less expensive.

Bandages – An assortment of Band-Aid bandages should always be nearby. You can’t go wrong by having a few 2×2 inch gauze pads and a roll or two of gauze for wrapping.

Medical Tape – cloth or plastic. Keep some handy.

Instant cold compress – If you have access to ice, then that’s fine. But it never hurts to have one or two of these handy, especially if you are going to play somewhere other than yours or someone else’s home. Place this on a bruise or impact wound as soon as possible to control swelling.

These are the bare essentials. But they can handle most issues that you may run across. But feel free to add additional first aid supplies as you see fit. Preparedness is something you can never have too much of.

I know there are some who think this all sounds like overkill. But a little first aid to a minor wound can mean the difference between your scene coming to a screeching halt and your night being essentially over – or simply taking a short break to treat an “Oops” and then picking things up where you left off. Even the most minor of cuts or punctures can become a serious problem if infection occurs. And I don’t care how much of a masochist you are, crawling around on the floor with a raw scrape on your knee hurts like a mother-fucker – and it’s NOT FUN!! ! So cover that scrape up so you can get back into the action! And, never stop learning and adding to your safety knowledge.

I’d love to read your comments below. You can use a fake name and email … and no salesman will call on you!!

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