The Popularity Trap

A little while ago, I was browsing FetLife from my personal account. I read a writing from someone I know locally. In it, this person discussed their introduction into the public BDSM scene. The piece discussed meeting someone quite popular in the local scene, who had greeted them and offered advice as to folks who would be good for a new person to hang around with and other folks who – for various reasons – a new, fresh, young person might want to be a little more cautious around.
The writer went on to describe becoming intimately involved with one of the people she was “warned’ about and how happy they both are now. Then the piece mentioned that the “popular” person who gave the initial advice is no longer active in the local community. The writing quickly took on a rather condescending tone, more or less saying, “Look! They’re gone and I’m still around!!”
It was basically like a claim to being “kind of the mountain.”
I happen to know the person they were speaking of. And, I happen to know that the person met someone they fell in love with and moved to another state, where there is very limited number of active kinksters. Therefore, it’s understandable that they would now be “gone” from the local community they originally were a part of. It doesn’t mean that they were banished or ran off in shame.
This is one big reason that Mistress Oasis and I are no longer “in the scene.” The community I used to love so much and that felt like a safe escape from the outside world has pretty much become the outside world. Personality conflicts, popularity contests, character assassination, pettiness, drama, political strife – it has all infected this community.
Originally, my main reason for getting away from the public scene is that Mistress Oasis and I discovered that our dynamic and our play grew and improved by leaps and bounds when we practiced these things in private. With no one around to model what our relationship “should” be, and no overt popularity contests playing out in front of us, our attention and focus turned decidedly inward – toward us.
As Mistress Oasis and I played more and more in private – away from loud, booming music…away from raucous, drunken laughter and loud voices all competing to be heard – we found a magical, sensual place where our connection flourished and thrived.
In 2016, during the height of the last presidential election, the dark underbelly of social media really revealed itself in all its ugliness. Both Mistress Oasis and I had lifestyle friends (who were actually friends in real life) who became simply vicious toward us because we didn’t share their political ideas. We were called all sorts of disgusting names and eventually had to end those friendships (both online and in real life.) What upset us the most was that these people were willing to accuse us of thinking and believing things that were absolutely false – all because they disagreed with us politically. And they knew these accusations to be false because they knew us. That little fiasco really woke us up, and we became less and less active in online interactions. We realized that it was yet another petty popularity contest we were competing in.
Most recently, I’ve even reduced my use of social media in attempting to market my books. Again,  it seemed that rather than simply enjoying my relationship and lifestyle with my Mistress, I was constantly competing for views and clicks. I was checking my blog starts several times a day,  checking book sales,  checking “likes” and “loves” and building strategies to get more. Why? My book sales are fine. I realized I was stressing out over something that really didn’t matter.
Here’s my bottom line: Do you love this lifestyle? Don’t let social media slime it up for you. If you need Fetlife and social media to help you meet your soul-mate, by all means use it. But, as I point out in my book, “FemDom Dating,” FetLife and social media are not the lifestyle – only a part of it. If you find someone who fits your needs, focus on them. Focus on your relationship with them. And there is nothing wrong with stepping back from FetLife, Twitter and other social media. You’d be amazed how your BDSM relationship can flourish when you turn your attention and energy toward each other and away from the cyber world.
Slave Dragos, author of the two books below, is a full-time male submissive living in the USA. He is owned and employed by Mistress Oasis, who runs an international business. Dragos has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle since the late 1980s and continues to thrive today in his role as a male sub. 

The Cost Of A Fuck-Up

I haven’t been around for a bit.

I haven’t posted anything since last month. I haven’t been on my Twitter account, or my Fetlife or FakeBook accounts either. Yet the clicks keep on coming and coming here on my “Thoughts of a Male Submissive” blog. So I really want to thank all of you who check back here regularly, even when there’s nothing new to look at or read.

I haven’t been very interested in writing for a bit, as I’ve been working through some things.

I did something that hurt Mistress Oasis and shook her trust in me. We faced the issue and talked through it. I didn’t try to defend anything, because I knew I had hurt her. That’s what felt the worst – even worse than the situation itself.

We played about a week later, and I went very deep into subspace. She went harder than usual in her sadism, and I soaked up everything she had to dish out. This plunged me even deeper into my euphoria. After a short break following some intense single-tail whipping, she removed my hood which had, up to that point, prevented me from seeing or hearing anything.

I rested on the bed with her by my side for a while longer, and then I got up to get something. It was then I saw the look on her face and realized something wasn’t right. I asked a couple of times and coaxed her to tell me what was on her mind. She admitted that during our play she’d realized that she was still mad at me. She continued explaining that some of the additional intensity in the sadism came from her anger and desire to punish me for what I’d done.

My first reaction was deep sadness and guilt for what I’d done a week earlier. Very soon, that turned to hurt because we have never discussed the idea of introducing physical punishment for real-life transgressions into our relationship. I’m not completely against punishment. But the protocol would have to include explaining beforehand that punishment was being considered, and for what reason. It wasn’t long before my high-flying subspace began morphing into a headlong crash.

This was the hardest part for me. I was experiencing sudden, intense sub-drop. However, I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Normally, I let her know when sub-drop hits me, and she cares for me as I go through it. However, I realized that I was the cause of this situation and wasn’t about to complain about how I felt.

This went on for another week. I had headaches, body aches, fatigue and depression. But I stayed silent, feeling I had no right to complain. I finally broke my silence one morning as we were lying in bed. I explained how much hurting her had hurt me, and how I couldn’t open up about my sub-drop because of my guilt. We talked everything out at length, and she was very happy that I’d opened up to her.

So what do I take away from this experience? And what can you, reading this, take away from it?

  • Communication in a committed D/s relationship is paramount. The “original sin” that I’d committed had to do with failing to communicate fully with my Mistress, causing her to question my intentions and trustworthiness. We’d have never experienced this episode if I’d simply updated her on things going on. Additional communication after the initial discussion over the matter could have helped avoid the negative play experience later.
  • You’re never too old or too experienced to make mistakes, or to hurt your partner. You have to be willing to face that and accept responsibility when it happens – even if it wasn’t your intention.
  • As I’ve explained before, real D/s and sadomasochism is far more than just “kinky sex.” Deep submission and domination take the mind, body and emotions into very vulnerable territory. I never blamed Mistress Oasis for the negative feelings creeping in during our play. It happens. If this were vanilla sex (or even “kinky” sex) the worst that would have happened is that I’d have rolled over and been disappointed. However, this was a heavy sadomasochistic interaction. The interruption left Mistress Oasis feeling guilty as hell, and it left me feeling guilty and suffering serious sub-drop.

After that second talk, the air was finally clear. We’ve played again since then. I went nice and deep once again, and she went wild and sadistic once again. But this time it was the familiar, loving sadism I’ve come to know and love from my Mistress.

I think it’s important to share experiences like these, especially with those who are new to this lifestyle. The intense emotions we experience in BDSM can cause even minor misunderstandings feel like the end of the world, or like there is nowhere to turn to fix things. The best course of action is to simply communicate with honesty, re-confirm that you love what you have with your partner, and that you want to find a solution to whatever issues you are having.

 

In the end, this may well be the deepest love you’ll ever feel for someone. It’s definitely worth the effort.

 

Slave Dragos, author of the two books below, is a full-time male submissive living in the USA. He is owned and employed by Mistress Oasis, who runs an international business. Dragos has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle since the late 1980s and continues to thrive today in his role as a male sub. 

Too Many “LIKES” Can Get You Passed Up

How many of you have been “unfriended” by someone on social media because of something you said, posted, or showed support for? I don’t mean something you said to directly insult someone. I mean something that you simply posted or stated that made someone decide that you weren’t worth having on their friend list anymore. A similar thing can happen to you when it comes to being a single submissive man hoping to meet Dominant women.

In Chapter 10 of “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” I write about what kinds of signals you unwittingly send out by the photos you “like” on social and dating media. I have a FetLife profile, Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr accounts. And, without exception, on each of those feeds, there are one or two guys who are constantly posting or “liking” picture after picture after picture all day long.

Most of the pictures tend to be of nude women posing or women engaged in sexual acts. (To the Pro-Dommes, I know you have a business to run and hot pics bring in the clients. So this isn’t about you.)

If you are “that guy” with the itchy clicking finger, hitting the “LIKE” button every time you see a gaping beaver on your screen – have you ever thought what message that is sending out to women who may actually be looking at you as someone they may want to say “hi” to?

Now, before anyone goes totally snowflake on me and demands to know who the fuck I think I am to “judge” other people – please relax. I judge very few people. I enjoy images of the female form as much as any guy. But, all the fuck pics in the world don’t equate to the mind-blowing headspace that my own Mistress Oasis puts me in. If your idea of a good time is spanking your monkey to dirty pictures, then by all means don’t let me poop on your party.

But, if you have a goal of actually meeting a real, live Domme for yourself someday – well that’s why I wrote “FemDom Dating.” And if you are actually interested in just how deep your BDSM relationship can go, that’s why I wrote “Energy and BDSM.” All the nudie pics you “LIKE” in a day will not get you to either place. So, this post is not to pass judgement on you, but to help you reach that goal of someday having a real Domme accept you as hers. The choice is yours – another empty orgasm all by yourself with your computer, or a path that can lead you to a real D/s relationship.

Part of the basic logic that “FemDom Dating” is based upon is this: men and women think differently. This sounds obvious. But, when you look at a lot of single submissive men’s behavior, it’s clear that they don’t agree with this on a subconscious level. How many women have you personally met who are genuinely attracted to a man who spends hour after hour looking at porn? On the same level, how many women have you personally met who are genuinely okay with the idea of the man they are in a relationship with spending all his free time looking at porn? I’m not talking about a woman who’s capable of sitting and enjoying sexy images with her mate. Hell, Mistress Oasis and I do that! But, normally, the more time a man spends staring at naked photos of other women (or men, for that matter), the less his girlfriend/wife/Mistress tends to like it.

To be sure, as guys, most of us wouldn’t care if our girlfriend or wife spent a bunch of her spare time looking at hot pics on her computer, getting all horny and whatnot. In fact, some of us would find that quite appealing. But, women don’t think that way. Not most women, anyway. They don’t want their man focusing his attention on other women and their bodies.

Now, let’s take that knowledge and apply it to a Domme who is looking at your profile. So, each day you’re clicking the “LIKE” or “LOVE” button on, let’s say, 15 to 20 photos of people having sex. If you are on a site that records your activity on a timeline, these things show up. And, again, thinking differently than a man, a Dominant woman wouldn’t just look at your pictures to see how hot you are. As I point out in “FemDom Dating,” studies have shown that women spend more time READING a profile than looking at pictures. So, this Domme, while reading about you and your activity, sees that you spend your time pulling up picture after picture and “loving” them. What opinion do you think she is forming as she sees that?

I’m not saying you should not look at hot pics. But, honestly, how many times have you “loved” a picture, resulting in the woman in the photo contacting you, and establishing a relationship pf any type? If you are like most guys, I’m going to venture a guess that it hasn’t happened to you. On the flip side of the coin, if that Domme reading over your profile gets the impression that you would prefer to look at porn and jerk off rather than focus your attention on submission to a Domme, what do you think your chances are that she will reach out to you, or respond positively to any contact you may initiate?

I’m not making up hypothetical theories, here. I’ve literally sat with Dominant women while they showed me profiles of men with hundreds of “loves” on pictures of tits and pussy. And, without exception, they insinuate that the owner of that profile must sit around stroking his pud in front of his computer all day. These are real women giving their real opinions. Think about that.

Social media and dating sites are great for sharing and connecting with other kinky people. But, no matter what you’re doing on your profile, always be thinking of what kind of reputation you are building with your activities.

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More BDSM in the News – 07/30/2018

If you wanted to put girls in ball-gags, you could have just asked!!
The Kinkiest Scientific Study Ever? Neuro-BDSM
“…the rationale for the experiment was that the ball gag might inhibit the brain’s empathetic response to suffering by preventing facial muscle movements.” (Riiiight….)

Pregnancy and Kink – DO or DON’T??
Can you still take part in BDSM when you’re pregnant?
“Pregnancy, whether you’re kinky or not, shouldn’t get rid of your sex life and it definitely doesn’t have to pause your participation in scenes”

Hey!! The “nillas” are discussing consent!!
What bdsm can teach us all about consent
“A skilled Mistress uses her slaves’ sexual and emotional desire to control them and cement that control of their psyche.”

Well, Damn…I could have told y’all this!!
Men Who Know How To Drive A Woman Wild Do This One Ridiculously Hot Thing
“learning how to have sex in which you channel the polarity between these two energies can take you both to heightened levels of satisfaction.”
(For more on using/channeling your energy during play, check out my book, ENERGY and BDSM“)

I’m no expert, but I don’t think this counts as a BDSM encounter.
Woman ‘strangled BDSM lover during rough sex’ and chopped up body in Satanic ritual
“The corpse’s arms and legs were severed, as was the penis.”

On a tragic note – what happens when a Top is not focused on the bottom’s safety…
UCLA professor dies in ‘mummification’ ritual at Hollywood executive’s home
“wrapped “head to toe in plastic wrap and gaffer’s tape, with small breathing holes at the nose and mouth,” according to an autopsy report obtained late last week”

 

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Topping From the Bottom Ain’t Always Bad

Topping a semi-heavy masochist is not easy. I know, I’ve been at both ends of the whip. By “semi-heavy masochist,” I mean someone who needs much more than some spanking and flogging, but who still has limits that fall short of the severe. For masochists like us, it’s a balance. We like to creep up to just this side of “RED,” and then ride the edge of that cliff as long as we can.

For the Top or Dominant of such a masochist, keeping them on that cliff isn’t an easy job. Speaking personally, my reactions to pain while riding that edge can be very intense and dramatic. Although I’m not uttering a safe-word, it can appear as if I’m really struggling to endure the pain. On top of that, my pain threshold fluctuates – sometimes from day to day. Mistress Oasis often struggles with just how hard to push me. She loves inflicting pain and savors my reactions to it. However, hearing a safe-word come from me really upsets her. She shoulders the “fault” for pushing me “too far,” despite the fact that neither one of us truly knows what “too far” is until we get there.

Several times throughout my years in the lifestyle, I’ve “bottomed” for newbies trying to learn or hone their skills. It was no big thing for me to coach them along as they would flog me. “It’s okay, you can swing harder.” “Don’t hit there, that’s my kidney.” “Try stepping back/stepping closer and make sure to aim your swing.” You get the gist. I was a training dummy who gave real time feedback.

The phenomenon of “Topping from the Bottom” is usually referred to in a negative light. Subs are not supposed to top from the bottom, because this is disrespectful to the Dominant. It’s viewed as not being a “good submissive.” For anyone who may not know what “Topping from the Bottom” is, imagine a sub, on their hands and knees with their ass in the air. Their Dominant is busy working on them with a flogger. Now imagine the sub saying, “Hey, try to hit more in the center, not just the right cheek. I like it more centered.”…”Why don’t you work on my back for a while? I like it on my back more than my ass.” … “Oh, can you switch to the heavy flogger? This one is too stingy.” That should give you the idea. The sub wants to be “dominated” by someone, but wants to call all the shots along the way.

It’s not just Dominants who look poorly upon this behavior. Many of us subs don’t like it either. Speaking personally again, I don’t like to have to engage my brain in a scene to the point necessary to actually speak coherently. I enjoy letting go and flying away while Mistress Oasis does her thing. Yes, sometimes she does things that I can honestly say I don’t “like.” However, as I explain in my book “ENERGY and BDSM,” enduring pain that I truly don’t enjoy for the sake of my Mistress’s enjoyment often melts me into a deeper submissive state in my own head. And the “not-so-fun” stuff doesn’t last forever. Eventually, we get back to something that I love, and the roller coaster ride goes on and on.

However, Mistress Oasis and I occasionally change things up a bit, she will let me run the show from a position of vulnerability. It helps us grow in our dynamic, because it takes the responsibility of “reading me” off of her shoulders. Basically, we do things we normally do, except I give more positive verbal feedback. During our regular play, I don’t speak much, unless something is wrong. During these occasional “Top from the Bottom” days, I can encourage her to do more, or to continue to increase the intensity, or even suggest new things that I’ve wanted to try.

I know it’s tempting to think, “Why can’t she just keep increasing intensity on her own as long as you aren’t calling a safe-word?” That would be a good question. And again, it goes back to her not wanting to get to the point of a safe word. Some sadists are perfectly comfortable pushing further and further as long as a sub allows them. However, in Mistress Oasis’s mind, once the safe-word has been uttered, things have gone too far and a sense of guilt and responsibility accompany that. She’s not as unique as you may think. There are lots of sadists out there who really, really get off on hurting someone, as long as that masochist is clearly enjoying the ride – but cannot stand the idea of truly causing someone “bad” pain. This is a very positive trait for a sadist to posses. So it is because of this that the occasional break from the norm can be helpful in a sado-masochistic relationship.

Another benefit of these sessions, as I mentioned earlier, is the chance to try some new things. I have a very fertile imagination when it comes to dreaming up creative ways for my body to be bound and tortured. Some of these ideas can be pretty complex. So, just telling someone the idea and having them try to act it out often doesn’t achieve the desired result. Mistress Oasis loves when I rig up a new bondage position, or a new CBT idea. We recently introduced pulleys to go along with our weight play. Using pulleys and weights to place a load on nipple clamps or a CBT parachute opens up all kinds of new possibilities. But one has to familiarize themselves with more knots, mechanical reasoning, proper weight placement, etc. Allowing me to guide the activity allows her to understand exactly the ideas I have in my head and duplicate, or even modify them.

Additionally, these sessions do not always remain academic. Some of our absolute best scenes have started out with me coaching her in a new idea. Once the ball gets rolling, she gets very “into” what she is doing, and I get very “into” what is happening to me. We basically both get so hot we fall back into our proper roles and play out a real scene.

So, if you’ve always thought of “Topping from the Bottom” as a bad thing, perhaps you should consider how much you, as a Dominant, could learn – or you, as a sub, could benefit from setting aside some time to let the “bottom” take the steering wheel for a few hours and test the waters. You may be shocked at the exciting new things you’ll discover.

 

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The Backlash of Making BDSM Mainstream

There was a time, not long ago, when getting involved in the BDSM community meant learning a certain minimum amount of protocols – depending on the group you hung out with, and maintaining a certain level of secrecy. Being “let in” was something special. It was more than just “Yippee! I found a bunch of kinky people like me.” It was more than finally being accepted for who you are by a number of people. It was special because this group of people chose to trust you, and to embrace you as not only kinky, but trustworthy enough to join them in their secret places and their secret rituals. (Play and socializing was more ritualized back then.)

It’s not like that anymore. It’s pretty much a free-for-all now. All anyone needs in order to “join” now is a computer. Everyone gets in – whether they ever show up in person or not. Bondage, leather, sadomasochism are now splashed all over mainstream entertainment. More and more it’s viewed as just another way of having sex. “Kinky sex” it gets called. I don’t know about you, but to me that’s insulting. Sadomasochism and power exchange permeate far more of my existence than getting my rocks off. There were thoughts and images of bondage and sadism swirling around in my head long before I was old enough for my cock to get hard. There are others like me, for whom all of this is more than sex.

Some see this free-for-all as a positive thing. After all, now that basically anyone can celebrate being “kinky” purely by virtue of enjoying sex in some manner other than heterosexual, missionary position intercourse, there is no real investment in claiming to belong to a “kinky” community. And now, lots of hangers-on are doing so just because of they think it makes them cool, or “edgy.” But honestly, what discipline does it take to play dress-up?

Additionally, a lot of folks nowadays try more and more to display their “kink” in the public eye. There seem to be many more people who somehow think there is some benefit to “coming out” and showing off their sexual quirks to the rest of the world. However, what I see is simply a competition between a bunch of people to see who can look and act the most outrageous in front of vanillas. And as years go by, these displays degrade more and more to the point that they look like little more than drunken frat-party stunts designed only to shock people and get a bunch of laughs.

This is creating a backlash on multiple levels. Take, for instance, the recent rash of sexual assault complaints in which the accused men (quite often, politically powerful men) try to excuse their violent behavior by claiming that the incidents were consensual BDSM encounters. Some examples include a tech executive who choked and beat a woman, leaving her face and neck bruised . Then there is an Alaska state Representative who allegedly got drunk with a woman, brought her back to his hotel room, and slapped her so hard he ruptured her eardrum. Apparently, she consented to being slapped, but he didn’t stop when she told him he was being too rough.  Then there is the sleaze-bag New York attorney general who is accused of assaulting FOUR women without their consent. He claims that he was “engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity,” within “the privacy of intimate relationships.”  Suuurre!!

My God! It wasn’t all that long ago that no rich powerful man would dare to publicly claim to the world that they were “kinky.” They’d rather accept the “abuser” label. But now that everyone worships “50 Shades” and assumes that everyone else is into BDSM, you would think that it’s open season on women. But when a woman goes to the police – well then, claiming “BDSM” seems to be an easy out for these shitheads. If these had been consensual BDSM encounters, the police would not have become involved – simply because in a consensual BDSM encounter, they would have STOPPED once the woman indicated that things were getting out of hand.

One of the things that made BDSM special, many years ago, was the fact than once you got into the lifestyle and community, you then walked a continuing path of learning, honing skills, bettering yourself and making the community itself a better place for those who enter in the future. I don’t see that so much anymore. Especially online, it seems to be more of a popularity contest over who gets more “loves” on their photos. It also seems to be a contest of who knows the most about this or that, with an attitude that all these pesky new people asking stupid questions need to go away. Of course, there are still plenty of people, like me, trying to help people learn and find their place within this lifestyle. There always will be. But there are fewer of us now, I believe.

I don’t think “pride” movements help us much, either. I understand that the original “Gay Pride” movement from the 70’s helped end a lot of serious discrimination an violence toward homosexuals. But, the original goal has been reached. It is illegal to discriminate based on sexual orientation, and there are enhanced penalties for hate crimes now. However, nowadays, it seems everyone has a “pride” flag and demands that everyone else respect their “pride.”

I’m not “proud” to be kinky. I just AM kinky and I’m not ashamed of who I am. I don’t march in parades or attend rallies. What I do in my bedroom or dungeon is my business. The “pride” movements seem to have devolved into an excuse to run out into the streets and be “in the face” of vanillas. I can’t think of anything we are accomplishing by dressing up in our fetish clothes and dancing around in the streets. You can disagree with me, (and NO, I don’t hate anyone), but I don’t believe that we are changing any minds by coming out and acting like clowns for the cameras. I think it’s high time that WE show the vanillas some respect and not deliberately seek to shock and offend them. I’m perfectly content practicing my alternative lifestyle out of sight, in private, and amongst my own kind. If vanillas want to see what I do, they can come underground and find me.

The very popular and not-even-close to realistic “50 Shades of Grey” has done a lot to bring in people who not only don’t understand what BDSM is about, but worse, THINK they know everything about it. I knew our lifestyle was in trouble a few years ago when I started seeing more and more guys showing up in our clubs and events in business suits they had clearly cobbled together from the thrift store. This phenomenon is so prevalent, that “Twitter Dom” is and actual term. Look it up on Urban Dictionary. Some women tend to get a skewed idea that the perfect Dominant is rich and powerful and that when you find him, you just submit to what he wants and he takes care of the rest. It reminds me a lot of the “World of Gor” subculture that has permeated the lifestyle for years. That’s not real BDSM. Real BDSM is consent, and communication. It’s learning skills and practicing them. It’s caring for a sub deeply, not seeing them as simply an object to use for one’s shallow desires.

Unfortunately, bringing BDSM into the mainstream world results in a lot of people simply imitating their favorite books, or playing dress-up to the point that BDSM events become more like a “comic con.”  Hell, I’ve even seen kids leading each other around in public on leashes. WTF?? Why actually show up to a munch and learn anything when you can just put on a “pleather” dress and a silly wig and walk around watching the freaks? Maybe I’m just being an old fuddy-duddy, but it seems like nobody has to take any risk to be “kinky” anymore. It used to be that walking into a munch was taking a big step in your life. By the time you actually showed up to a play party, you had already invested time and energy into exploring this lifestyle. It really meant something.

I’ve never felt cheated by being “in the closet” with my lifestyle. I don’t need the approval or the adoration of vanillas. And I don’t need to force them to see what I do. I guess I mainly wonder if we still honestly feel like we have something special. Or are we just one more sex position? I agree that we always need new people, and we should be a friendly and inviting place for them. But I’ve always felt that this thing is spiritual – magical even. And it’s not for everyone. I know there’s no putting this genie back in the bottle. But I believe we are at risk of becoming a fad – like disco – rather than the deep and rewarding path that I’ve known for all these years.

-Dragos

 

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Before You Choose the Dungeon as Your Therapy Couch…

Your life is a mess, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’ve just never been able to relate well with people. Perhaps someone you loved fucked you over. Perhaps someone way back in your past hurt you, and you cannot go a day without something reminding you of what happened – and the fact that you didn’t deserve it. Maybe your spouse can’t (or won’t) accept or try to understand your deep, unyielding need for an exchange of power and control in your relationship.

You’ve been clicking all over the Internet – looking at the kinky pictures, reading the kinky stories, hearing the accounts of how magical BDSM is. People write endless renditions of how their lives suddenly became enriched after finally stepping into the BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant/submissive or Sadist/masochist relationships open people’s hearts and emotions to depths they’ve never experienced before.

So, you start to believe that finding a kinky partner will fix everything. It will make you whole again. It will cure your depression. It will remove (or justify) the hurt you feel inside. It’s the answer you’ve been looking for, right?

It’s time for someone to shake you, and give you a dose of reality.

This lifestyle does not cure depression. This lifestyle does not turn an irresponsible person into a responsible person. It does not cure PTSD. It does not cure alcoholism, drug addiction, or stupidity. It won’t wipe away a history of child abuse or sexual abuse. It’s merely an alternative to a vanilla existence.

It is human nature to seek things that make us happy and normalize our lives. I know that BDSM and “normal” are not terms usually used in the same context. But, the very things that get branded as “kinky” are very normal for someone with a deeply embedded need for masochism, sadism, dominance or submission. For me, submitting to Mistress Oasis is normal, not “kinky.” For Mistress Oasis, hurting me to say “I love you” is normal.

In my book, FemDom Dating, I devote a chapter to self-reflection prior to just jumping into the scene and BDSM relationships. One piece of advice I give is to take care of your emotional baggage before seeking and dating potential partners.

In the BDSM world, we manipulate brain chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. Each of these can have a profound effect on a person’s emotions. However, depending on the types of activities you engage in, your brain may experience a spike in all four of these. If you already struggle with feelings of depression, inadequacy, abandonment, loss, victim-hood, or a myriad of other complex emotions, there is no telling what a cocktail of mind altering chemicals may result in.

I know personally the roller coaster of emotions that is possible during masochistic play. I’ve felt myself go through euphoria, anger, frustration, passion, fear, resignation, panic, and vulnerability. Often, I go through several of these emotions during the course of a scene. But, that’s what I’m after – a dance along a cliff where I tempt and flirt with all of these feelings, while knowing in the back of my mind that no real physical harm is going to come to me. But occasionally, the emotional ride has been too intense for me and I had to stop scenes because of panic or loss of coherent thought. And, I have my mind right. If you have a whirlwind of stressful emotions spinning in your head in your vanilla life, unleashing vast amounts of these chemicals into your brain could intensify your negative feelings.

The potential for trouble doesn’t disappear when the scene is over. At some point those chemicals wear off. Your brain can actually go through a withdrawal stage as it adjusts to the lower levels of these substances. “Sub Drop” is a term used to describe a submissive experiencing negative physical and emotional effects when these chemical levels start dropping in the brain. I myself have experienced depression, lethargy, headaches, even hangover-type feelings a day or two after a really good scene. However, I know what it is when I experience it and Mistress Oasis stays close to me, reassuring me as I deal with the negative feelings, and wait for them to pass. It can sometimes be a full day or two.

Play is not the only place where our minds walk a tightrope. The relationship dynamics within the BDSM world are complex. BDSM relationships tend to be far more intense than what you find in the vanilla world. We communicate on a deeper level, exposing vulnerable and sensitive things about ourselves. That’s how we are able to interact the way we do, whether it’s service oriented, sexual, or sado-masochistic. We have to open our hearts and our innermost hidden places to each other to achieve the experiences we crave. If you’re struggling with a bunch of emotional crap that you cannot deal with, having someone toying around with your psychological “goo” like it was Jell-o is asking for trouble sooner or later.

This aspect of the BDSM lifestyle doesn’t just apply to submissives. Dominants need to have their heads screwed on right as well. Some of them don’t. Above all other things, a submissive wants to trust their dominant. A sub needs to know that their dom is looking out for their well-being. We subs who are also flying masochists depend on our dominant to be cognizant of our responses, our safety, and our emotional status during our play. We need to trust that they will do this so we can “let go,” and drift away into an alternative consciousness.

The deeper a relationship goes, the more a sub gives of him or herself. Being able to depend on a dom being stable and predictable within the relationship allows the submissive to lower more walls, and become more open to the dom.  This becomes harder if the dom exhibits unpredictable or irrational reactions to life’s little “situations.”

People with very low self-esteem tend to drag those around them down as well. Insecure people often display possessiveness and suspicion toward a partner. Trying to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is usually a crutch, and tends to create an atmosphere of comparing the new partner to the old. And, even if the new partner passes the scrutiny with flying colors, no one enjoys hearing the constant re-telling of tales about things the old partner did to hurt you.

As wild as our lifestyle may seem from the outside, it actually requires a level head to make it work and grow long term. It can be the answer to all your prayers if you’ve had to suppress it most of your life. However, it doesn’t cure crazy. Get your emotional house in order before jumping into this game. It makes this lifestyle easier for everyone involved.

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 8 – Wrapping It Up

So, there you have it. I don’t know if you’d call me an “expert” when it comes to chastity. But I can say I’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to discovering what works for me. I’m ecstatic that I found a good, comfortable cage in four tries and spending just around $1000.00 total. Seriously, I’ve read posts from guys who say they’ve owned/tried a dozen and more different brands and styles of cage before finding one that was right for them. And going through multiple cages is a common theme throughout the chastity community.

Chastity is a very personal thing. Each guy who wears a cage has his own reasons for it. For some, it’s a real pursuit of self-control. For others it’s a sexual turn on to be denied sex. And there are some who feel a deeper spiritual bond with their partner when they are locked up. For me, it’s a symbol of possession. It reminds me that my male appendage is not mine, it’s hers. Just like I am hers, by choice. I want to feel that as deeply as I can. Wearing a cage and surrendering free access to the most intimate part of my own body is an unmistakable gesture of submission to my Mistress, whom I love more than anyone on this planet.

However, if you choose male chastity for the long term, it’s not all fantasy fun and games. There are real and practical considerations to ponder. Hopefully, the experiences I’ve shared here will help smooth your path a little so you can find your perfect place within the chastity world.

-slave dragos

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 7 – The Evotion “Bijou”

So, a couple of months ago, I finally decided I was tired of having to remove my cage regularly, tired of having to shove my glans back in place with Q-tips, and tired of living in fear of some horrible infection that might rot my dick off.

The Evotion “Bijou” with lock removed and key

Evotion had come out with a new model – the Bijou. It comes with an optional vented tube. It is easier to put on, and requires no retention ring (no more pinching). But the biggest selling point for me was the fact that the Bijou is made so that the PA pin actually slides back and forth a few millimeters, reducing the strain on the piercing.

Before ordering my Bijou, I wrote the company explaining the problems I was having with my Cage 7. I received a reply from Andy, the owner. I’m not the only guy out there who will tell you that Andy is really great. He advised me on which measurements he thought were wrong and causing my piercing issues. He gave me advice on how to measure for the Bijou, and even supplied me with my measurements from the order I placed a year prior so I had a place to start.

So, I measured. And measured again. And I continued to measure throughout the evening until I was convinced I had everything right. Then I placed my order and paid my $250.00 for the Bijou.

To my amazement, I received a shipping notice in just 25 days! Much less time than it took for the Cage7. It arrived a couple of days later and I eagerly brought it to Mistress Oasis, who I think was even giddier than I was.

My Blue BIJOU

I unpacked my new blue Bijou. Yes, it’s blue. My Mistress wanted blue – so it’s blue. She likes the blue. That’s all that matters.

The first thing I noticed when I picked it up was that it does, indeed, seem lighter even than the Cage 7. The Bijou has a “solid” tube for the shaft. What I mean is that the tube is one piece, instead of comprising of two pieces that clamshell together. So, the penis has to be pulled through. Then the PA pin is inserted. (Evotion has a video demo on their blog that actually shows the model using the PA pin to help him pull the head of his penis through the tube. It can be found HERE. )  Finally, the front section is slid in place and the lock inserted.

The Bijou only has 4 pieces. It’s incredibly easy to put on!

I’ve had my Bijou from Evotion Wearables on full time for a little over two weeks now. It has only come off for play, and twice for routine cleaning.

NO pain in the piercing

NO slippage of the head

NO pinching anywhere on this cage

 

 

 

Click the image for a VIDEO demonstration of me putting on the Bijou. (Link will open a new tab for PORN HUB.)

I can honestly say that I think I have found my “forever” cage. This thing fits like a dream! And, like the Cage 7, waking up with morning wood is like waking up in slave heaven. The cage is nice and tight to start with, and the added pressure of my hard-on trying to break through the rigid polymer trap is simply exquisite. And still, no pain at the piercing!

The Cage 7 disappeared under my clothing. And the Bijou is even less detectable. Seriously, if you get one of these ringless cages from Andy and Evotion Wearables, your worries about the obvious bulge in your pants will be over. These things are like the stealth bomber! Okay, they won’t blow up Baghdad for you, but they are still invisibly awesome!

 

Okay, this photo isn’t as gratuitous as it seems. There is a purpose. It’s to show my absolute favorite attribute of the Evotion Bijou. No matter what state my penis is in – shriveled up “office mode” or fully erect – my Bijou stays right where it’s supposed to! The filigree cutout designed tube grips me tightly, just behind the head. The ridge inside the the tube keeps the head from slipping backwards. The PA pin keeps the whole thing in place WITHOUT having to support the weight of the cage itself. (which is not much anyway) There is no stress or pain on my piercing. Evotion describes it’s piercing cages as “inescapable.” They are RIGHT!

Do I have any complaints about the Bijou? Well, it does still collect pee in the lock sleeve, which requires a little extra attention with some toilet paper after each trip to the restroom. But, that’s a cage for you. Secondly, I’m not really keen on the “hourglass” shape of it. I subtracted a couple of millimeters from my shaft circumference measurement so I’d be sure that this cage would not allow any slipping of the head. The result is a cage that kind of cinches in the middle. But that’s just cosmetic. This thing grips me like it was a natural part of my body. Yes, I’d prefer it look more like Darth Vader’s dick torture device, but for the comfort, I’ll take it just as it is.

Over the last couple of months, Evotion has come out with some really cool customization options, like personalized lettering. And they have just unveiled a new product, the Orion Steel – a 3D printed steel/nickel alloy cage. The price is a staggering $650.00, so it’s a bit out of my price range. But it is an absolutely gorgeous work of art!!

Again, if you’ve had issues with other cages fitting you properly, maybe you should try reaching out to Evotion Wearables and see if a custom built 3D printed cage would work for you.

 

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Life With My Cock In a Cage: Part 6 – Evotion Wearables – “CAGE 7”

A little over a year ago, I found a company called Evotion Wearables. They peddle plastic chastity cages, but with a different twist. They make the devices entirely by 3D printing.

Now, how the cages are made definitely caught my eye. However, what hooked me was the fact that some of their cages are made without base rings. They rely on piercings to stay in place. That’s not really new. There are plenty of cages out there that stay in place by means of a piercing. And, I am not a big fan of having something tugging at my PA all day long.

The ‘CAGE 7’ from Evotion Wearables

Here is what makes Evotion Wearables different: Evotion has you submit 4 different measurements. They require a shaft diameter (or circumference), a glans length, a piercing depth (distance from the tip of the penis to the point where the piercing is) and the desired length of the cage shaft. The section that covers the penis head is actually contoured so that there is a ridge that rests just behind the head of the penis. This ridge, in essence is what holds the cage on the penis. The pin at the front of the cage that goes through the piercing only helps keep everything in place. I liked this idea better than totally relying on the 12 millimeters of thin skin under the head of my cock to support the weight of a constantly shifting of a cage.

Now, when most of us hear about “3D Printing,” we think of a machine drizzling melted plastic out of a nozzle – kind of like a hot glue gun, controlled by a computer. But Evotion uses a method called “Laser Sintering,” and it’s really cool. I watched a Youtube video of this type of laser printing, and was astonished. Basically, in layman’s terms, they dump plastic powder on the “floor” of an enclosed machine. Then they flatten the powder to a thin, even layer. The laser “scans” across the layer of powder in the exact shape of that cross-section layer of the item they are building, which flash melts the plastic into a solid. Then, another layer of plastic powder is flattened out on top of that piece, and the process repeats. One scan at a time, the layers of plastic get flash-melted to the previous layer and solidifies.

Click on the image above to see a table demo video. (The link will open a new window for PornHub.)

They offer eight different models of cages, including ones with base rings, if that is your preference. You can get your cage in a range of around eight different colors. And, when you consider the numerous customizations they can make with any of their cages, the possibilities are astronomical. I even saw an example of a CURVED cage they made for someone! You can see that HERE.

So, I began taking my measurements. I decided on the #7 cage with PA pin in black and red. The method of securing the cage would be a 2-part ring around the base that connects with a plastic tab that snaps into place and cannot be removed except for cutting it down the middle. That way, no worry about keys, backup keys, emergency keys, etc. However, they do make rings that padlock, rings with internal locks, and other variations.

I tried to tweak the measurements a tad. I wanted a snug fit around the head, and a little bit of wiggle room in the tube around the shaft. So, I added a millimeter here and subtracted a millimeter there. I thought I was pretty smart…

The “Cage 7” starts at $289.00. The “printing” process took about 2 months but they warn you about that on their website.

“.Join me, Luke. And we’ll rule the galaxy as father and son…”

Arrival – My first impression upon unpacking the cage was how different this design looked. The black and red combination gives it an ominous appearance. The shape and design is like something out of a sci-fi horror movie – like some torture device that Darth Vader would have ordered attached to an unfortunate prisoner to be questioned. But, that’s what mine looks like. You might like a pink one that shows off your inner sissy. Or, you may want an orange and black one that looks like a Halloween candy-corn. Or, maybe you’re feeling patriotic, so go ahead and get a red, white, and blue cage! You can browse their site, and see the endless combinations of style and color.

Click the above image to see a video demonstration. (The video will open in another tab for PornHub.)

Then I put my CAGE 7 on. There are five pieces: a base plate, a PA pin, a top cover, and a locking ring that comes in two halves. The PA pin snaps into the bottom of the base plate, forming a single piece. But, it can be removed for cleaning.  Once the base plate is resting along the underside of the penis, and the PA ring is inserted into my piercing, the top cover can be put on. The top cover fits onto the apparatus like a car hood, and is closed in a similar fashion. Once the two halves are together, they get held in place with the locking ring. This part I already didn’t like. The locking ring pieces get placed into a slot at the rear of the cage, with the end tabs of the ring poking through to the inside. Then they close down like wings around the circumference of the cage. Right away, I could see the potential for getting pinched hard with this procedure. So, when connecting the ring, I have to get a finger up under the cage, and push my skin out of the path of the closing tabs. I think Evotion could have come up with a better design on that.

However, once the thing is on, it is extremely comfortable. If you are a chastity traditionalist, who thinks that real chastity requires an apparatus that wraps up the entire package tightly (and some do), you’re not going to like the Evotion Cage 7. Personally, I think it looks hot! But this look may not be your cup of tea. I’ve never been a huge fan of the “squished” look that many cages give you. I do not have a small penis. Mistress Oasis loves my penis for what it is, and does not wish to make it look small. This cage allows me to be in chastity while still displaying my full size for her visual pleasure.

This cage accomplishes exactly what chastity is meant to accomplish. It effectively denies me access to the head of my penis, which is what most guys need to reach if they want to masturbate to orgasm. But, it also allows my penis and balls to exist and move around independently of each other. I can easily reach 50% of my shaft for cleaning. If my balls are uncomfortable in my trousers, I can adjust them without having to shift my entire package of balls, cock, and cage. I can dress my penis to the left of my pants or the right. It’s truly “penis paradise.”

The tip of my penis often protruded through the bars at the end of the Jailbird, causing it to rub against my clothing. NOT fun at work.

One aspect of the Jailbird I did not like was the fact that it mashed the head of my cock into the cage end so hard the tip of my head would be forced through the space between the bars at the end of the cage. That allowed for my clothing to rub against the very tip of the head of my cock – the most sensitive part – throughout the day. As erotic as that may seem to some of you, and as nifty an idea that may be for a night out with your Mistress, it sucks to have that going on all day at work when you’re in an office trying to earn your living.

The Evotion Cage 7 completely covers the head of my cock and nothing touches it, unless I purposely poke something into the cage. In this respect, it is super comfortable.  Removal does not require waiting for my erection to die down first. Additionally, the Evotion is a very open, well vented design. Air gets to the penis throughout the day. I never feel “dirty” in the Evotion. Did I mention that it looks awesome?

The weight is unbelievable. I literally forget I’m wearing this cage at times. Now, I totally understand that for some men out there, the whole chastity thing is a sexual thing. So, they feel that they MUST have something heavy and imposing down there to remind them all day long that “Oooooooh, I’m in a cock cage. I can’t escape. Will I ever be allowed to orgasm again? What will I do?” And that’s fine and dandy if that’s what you need. But, for me, I want a functional solution that doesn’t impose on my everyday life. I get enough sex and enough play and enough attention from Mistress Oasis that I don’t need a reminder all day that my love gun now has a trigger safety. Additionally, my submission and adoration toward her originates in my heart and soul – not my cock. The cage is merely a symbol of that love and surrender to her. Think of it as my collar, or, as Mistress Oasis sees it, my wedding ring. I know it’s there. I want it there. But, I don’t want it making me uncomfortable all day long.

I can stand to pee again!!! Because my cock is not scrunched up and connected to my balls and crammed into the end of a tube, I have complete control of where I’m pointing this thing! (Look out North Korea!!) I get to point with the entire length of my penis, rather than trying to manipulate and aim a 3-inch tube. Additionally, because there is a pin (rather than a ring) going through my piercing, and pointing forward, my pee comes out normal. No spray and pray!! I can stand at a pisser again!! One giant leap for mankind!!

Okay, so maybe I’m getting a little carried away. As with the other cages, there are some issues I found with my Evotion Cage 7. So let’s look at the “dark side.”

First, like every other cage, when you wear an Evotion and urinate, you cannot avoid pissing on and in the cage. Yes, the stream is more controllable than with other cages. But, it’s still not perfect. The PA pin snaps into the base, and is then held in place by a small cam situated on the tab that joins the base and cover. This configuration forms a tiny “compartment” just under the PA pin. The PA pin acts as a bit of a channel that allows some urine to travel down into that compartment. So, if you are not careful and take a moment to dab some toilet paper around the end of the cage after you take a leak, a few drops may find their way out the bottom of the cage, and wet the front of your trousers. Whatever stays behind inside that compartment will ferment and dry, which eventually will lead to an unpleasant odor. It’s not like the worker in the next cubicle at your job is going to smell you or anything like that. But, if Mistress thinks she’s going to uncage you as you walk through the door after a long day for some impromptu play or sex, you may want to beg for a few minutes in the shower first to run some soap and water over and through the cage first.

That same compartment makes it literally impossible to get the cage completely dry after showering, peeing, or whatnot. You simply cannot access that little space without taking off the top cover. So, my practice and advice is to schedule regular removal and cleaning for hygiene sake. Even if you are on one of those “3 months locked up, no orgasms, no escape” chastity marathons, I don’t think that coming out of the cage once a week for 10 minutes of washing and maintenance qualifies as cheating. I mean, unless in that ten minutes you a become bug-eyed, drooling wank fiend, I doubt you be any worse off for the time out of the cage. I mean, hell, they even let convicts in solitary confinement shower once a week, right?

Okay, next item: After going to bed with this cage on the first night, I awoke the next morning with my usual raging morning erection. I absolutely LOVED the feeling of the last half of my bulging cock being confined and restrained by this cage. Seriously, it is so different than the feel of a full cage and base ring. It’s a very erotic sensation. However, something still didn’t feel “right.”

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the glans of my penis had slipped back out of the tip of the cage, under that special ridge that’s meant to keep the head in place. “No biggie,” I thought, and got a Q-tip to nudge the head of my cock back into its place. Done!

…Or so I thought. The next night, I awoke again, hard as a rock. The head had slid a few millimeters out of place again. But this time, I felt an intense pain at my piercing site. I took the cage off to find that the area around my piercing was red, swollen, and very sore.

So, we gave it a few days for the swelling and soreness to go away, and tried again. I figured that it was entirely possible that my penis and PA just needed to get used to the new style of cage. In another 24 hours, I was sore and swollen again.

Over time, I realized that the forward compartment for the glans was just not big enough, that the entire cage itself was just not tight enough, and that the PA pin was a little too far forward. So basically, this cage became my “wedding ring” when I was out and about away from home. But at night, when Mistress Oasis and I turned in, I had to remove this cage to avoid what I feared could become a serious health issue with my piercing. (But I had Mistress there to make sure I wasn’t petting my ferret under the sheets, so it was okay.)

All of that said, I still do not attribute it to a flaw in the cage or the design itself. I fully believe that I didn’t get my measurements correct. Basically, I spent a year with a cage that I had to adjust a few times a day to get my head back in place. We got to the point where we didn’t even bother locking it with the tabs. The retaining ring snaps in place, and stays closed by itself. Again, I can wear an unlocked cage all day without any temptation to remove it specifically because of why I wear it.

My advice, if you are going to get an Evotion cage that incorporates a piercing (PA or Frenium bar), is to be extra vigilant with your measurements. Go a little tight on the circumference/diameter. Maybe go a millimeter or two large on the glans length, and for the piercing depth, I recommend springing $20 or so for a caliper-type micrometer, and very carefully measuring from the tip of the penis to the center of that piercing. When taking measurements for my next cage, I even taped a little piece of cardboard onto one of the caliper claws to make sure I was bumping right up against the very tip of my penis, and getting an accurate reading. Measure multiple times throughout the day and average them. Measure in millimeters. It’s more precise.

Personally, I want to get another CAGE 7 with the right dimensions because I really love the feel and look of it overall. If you’ve been having issues with base rings hurting you, or don’t like the feeling of your erection being squished through tiny spaces in a cage, then you may just want to look at what Evotion Wearables can do for you.

 

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