Getting Your Mind Right for Play

If you have been in a long-term D/s relationship for any length of time, you know that life throws us little curve balls from time to time that can affect our moods and overall enthusiasm for the play we enjoy. Of course, we all have our little practices here and there that help us stay “in role” throughout our days, right? A slave may hand her Master his cup of coffee in a certain way. Or, a Mistress may plant a kiss on her sub with her hand around his throat as a reminder of her position over him. I have my own little idiosyncrasies that I’ll throw into my everyday interactions with Mistress Oasis. But, we aren’t always in the correct mindset to drop what we’re doing and jump into a scene. If we are honest with ourselves, some of life’s little challenges can do a real number on our enthusiasm.

As I wrote about in this post, it’s perfectly okay if you’re not in a play mood. We subs and masochists rely on our mindset the most to allow us to perform in our roles. I’d say if you really cannot shake the “blahs,” or you cannot get the day’s stresses out of your head, then NOT playing is an acceptable choice.

But yesterday was Wednesday – the day that Mistress Oasis and I eagerly look forward to each week. Wednesdays are set aside as our weekly “play day.” That’s not to say that we don’t play on any other day or night. But, we have declared every Wednesday to be totally devoted to play. No matter what, we turn off the work computers. I get the play room and the rest of the house set up. Phones are turned off. All day and well into the night, we play, and love, and interact within our roles with no outside interruptions. We do nice, long, intense scenes with leisurely breaks in between. And, despite my stresses this week – yesterday was another awesome play-day with my Mistress.

If you are like me, it is difficult to just put down all the little demons in your life and keep them out of your head for several hours to indulge in BDSM play. But mindset IS crucial in our arena. And, the harder you play, the more important it is to not allow wayward thoughts into your head. Here are 5 methods I use when I want to get myself out of the emotional funk and into play mode.

  • Give yourself permission – Remind yourself and accept that all of those problems that you are worrying about will be right there waiting for you again when you are finished playing, and that it is okay to put them on the proverbial “back burner” while you enjoy yourself for a little while. If you are a sub, perhaps it would help for your Dominant to verbally confirm that you have permission to set aside your worries for a while, and enjoy your time together.
  • Schedule Play – Impromptu play and play with little warning can be fun. However, it gives you little time to mentally prepare if you are in a funk. Trying to “push through” and just perform despite your head not being in the game can really turn out bad. Just ask any masochistic sub. We feel like total failures when we have to use a safeword and make our Domme taper down the intensity. With a specific date and time established for a scene, you have more opportunity to mentally prepare and establish the necessary mindset.
  • Ritualize – Come up with routines that signify your bond with your partner. Having certain rituals you do just prior to play is a great way to condition your mind and body. You can ritualize undressing, or having cuffs placed on. I have a particular leather collar I wear for play time. Only Mistress Oasis puts it on and takes it off. I assume a position on all fours for her to do this. Ritual. When my sensory deprivation hood goes on, I kneel on the floor in front of the couch and Mistress sits down to put it on me. Ritual. Other examples can be foot or back rubs, showering or bathing each other. Maybe doing some domestic chores is your thing. Over time, your mind associates the repeated ritual acts with the sensations and emotions you experience from the play. You’ll discover that just going through the rituals will stir emotions and arousal in you before you even get started with the play.
  • Start with sex – If you’ve read either of my books, FemDom Dating or Energy and BDSM, you’ll know that I put a lot of emphasis on not making sex your primary focus in your BDSM endeavors. The rewards are well worth any “frustration” you might suffer. However, if you are with an established and regular partner, then sometimes a good roll in the hay prior to BDSM play can really get your juices flowing, and help you re-connect. But for you guys, hold back the orgasm. We tend to perform better when we’re “under tension.” I’ve had lots of Dommes proclaim that most male subs are pretty useless after a climax. I know I lose about half my pain tolerance with an orgasm. Even if I take some time for a re-charge, and play again, my pain threshold usually isn’t the same.
  • Organize the play area – This aspect sort of blurs into the “ritualize” category. Certainly the act of organizing your play area can be ritualized. But, having your play area set up can help you avoid uncomfortable pauses in play that can pull you back out of the mood. Lay toys out neatly so each can be found easily. Pre-tie your tie points. Carabiners clips from Home Depot are cheap and handy for easy on / easy off subbie restraining. Adjust any straps, buckles, slides, or snaps on any accessories that have them so there is a minimum of fumbling when it’s time to put things on.

In the end, if nothing else works, you can always conclude that your head just isn’t right for play. But there are still non-play activities you can engage in within your dynamic.  But over the years, I’ve found that, using the methods described above, I’ve gotten myself out of some pretty bad funks and enjoy some fantastic scenes.

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How My Past as a Dominant Made Me A Better Submissive

Do you feel like you are “stuck” in the role you started out in when you first entered the BDSM world? Are you craving experiences from the other side of the whip (or leash) but are worried about what your community friends, or maybe your lover, may think about you (GASP!!)…….SWITCHING??

From my experiences, there are many who come in and take up the role they believe they are meant to play. Usually, this rides along the rail of gender. Men generally take on the “Dominant” or “Top” role – women generally take on the “submissive” or “bottom” role. In contradiction to their actual cravings and desires, they take on the roles they think that they “should” occupy.

If you are one of those people, it is never too late to change your direction, and follow the path you truly feel called to. In fact, your experiences in your current role could very well have equipped you to be exceptional in your desired role. Here are some of the things that I experienced as a Dominant that really helped me later as a sub:

Being a sub is not waiting around for someone to push your ON button.

Back when I was a Dom, many of the subs I played with, and got into relationships with, had a penchant for wanting to be rather passive in their service and submission. They wanted me to tell them what to do, when to get something for me, when to strip and kneel, and what kind of play we were going to engage in. I hate micro-managing. I even dated a “slave” who had spent years being trained in protocols.

The first night she made dinner for me, she put everything on the table, then stood next to her chair with her hands behind her, waiting for me to tell her she could sit. Once seated, she then waited for me to tell her to begin eating! I’m sorry but that’s more ego stroking than I need to feel in charge of things. I should have called everything off after that night. But, I went forward into a relationship with her that eventually soured as she became unsatisfied because I didn’t give her the things she needed, (meaning, I didn’t boss her around enough).

I have to admit, I’m a “DIY” type personality. If I can do something for myself, I prefer to do it for myself rather than telling someone else to do it for me. I mean, why bother someone else when I can quickly and easily complete the task on my own, right? On the other side of the coin, I was unsatisfied because I couldn’t understand why, if she wanted to submit to me, she required a command from me to do it. Why not just do things she knew I liked to have done? In fact, even subtle things like if she had chosen to sit on the floor at my feet instead of next to me on the couch while watching TV would have won her a lot more appreciative attention (petting, stroking, even perhaps some impromptu play) rather than waiting on me to command such things.

Well, whether you feel I was right or wrong in my thinking back then, once I became a sub and began performing domestic service, I began to understand where that “slave” I dated was coming from. Indeed, it is very re-assuring to be given precise commands as to what is expected. I discovered that there is happiness in being summoned, and then commanded to perform a task. Being summoned reinforces that you and your services are desired and appreciated. The commands – any commands – can be translated to simply “Do what I’m telling you, and it will please me.” How much more motivation does anyone need??

However, at the same time, I remember my frustration from constantly feeling “expected” to dream up needs and commands to keep my sub busily “pleasing” me. So, I make it a point to be a bit more assertive with my service than I remember that sub being. I rarely ask to sit at Mistress Oasis’s feet and give her a nice massage. I just do it because I know she likes it. She hasn’t complained yet. I rush to hold doors and pull out chairs. I check on her throughout the day to see if she needs anything. It’s kind of like sales – keep asking and eventually she will say, “Yes, would you get me a ginger ale on ice?”

WIN FOR ME!! I just got a direct command from my Domme!

There are plenty of things a Dom can learn from a sub.

It’s one of the most common misconceptions in the lifestyle. Many subs expect their Doms to accurately “read” them and their reactions naturally, with little or no “road map.” I had a sub at one time who was an extreme masochist – or at least could be an extreme masochist. However, this only occurred when everything happened just so.  The atmosphere, timing, and structure of the workup had to be precise for her to get to that point where she could take vicious, welt-raising cane strikes. If I was striking too hard, too soft, too fast or too slow during her workup, she couldn’t get there. The problem was, she wasn’t willing to explain and show me exactly how hard was hard enough and how fast was fast enough and what reactions I should be looking for.

However, another sub I knew enjoyed, on occasion, having me whip and beat her as hard as I could for lengthy periods of time on her back while she’d break down crying hysterically. The first couple of times it happened, I stopped and protested, afraid I’d caused her real psychological damage. But, she told me directly to continue because she “needed” it. We later talked extensively about it and she explained that, while the pain was not “good,” being driven to that point of hysterical break down was a special kind of release for her. We also discussed what I needed to look out for while we were in that mode, because it could become quite intense. So, guided by her explanation and instructions, we were able to successfully go to that place whenever she asked me for it.

I gained a whole new understanding of the relationship between intense pain and emotional “breaking” when I later served a Domme who was quite the sadist. The first time she used a cane to drive me past the point of tears, I figured it out. It’s a whirlwind of being afraid of the next stroke coming, feeling victimized (in a good way), holding strong to a determination to successfully absorb all of the pain the sadist wants to inflict, and going deeper and deeper into a swirly, peaceful place in your mind while the tears roll down your face.

It’s all kind of wrapped up together in one incredibly wild, emotional ride that leaves you super-spent at the end. I also require a certain amount of workup to get to those super-masochistic moments. However, Mistress Oasis and I have spent lots of time discussing it, with me explaining what my various reactions to pain mean. We’ve even spent several hours with me “topping from the bottom,” guiding her in what specifically works to get me to that magical headspace. These sessions have proven to be extremely beneficial to both of us – and wound up becoming some super hot scenes. In the end, she ultimately gets to choose which of my buttons to push and where to take me in any given scene. But, thanks to her willingness to let me guide her occasionally, she now knows exactly what those buttons are, and how to manipulate them.

Whatever role you may be in now, you have specific experiences. Once you experience those things from the other side of the leash, new aspects will come to light. This new understanding can help you greatly enhance your performance in your new role – and have a LOT more fun!

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“OOPS!!” – Being prepared for BDSM’s boo-boos

Last night, I was in heaven. Mistress Oasis had me in predicament bondage position, my balls wrapped in a leather stretcher being pulled in one direction, and an anal hook pulling me in the opposite direction. Unable to move forward or back, I was hopelessly vulnerable to whatever whe wanted to do with me.

One of those things she did with me was use some very sharp metal finger claws on the thinly stretched skin containing my balls. After several minutes of incredibly intense, incredibly sharp sensations, Mistress Oasis stopped.

“We’re going to take a little break,” she said. “It looks like I’ve drawn some blood”

I protested a bit, insisting that a little blood wasn’t going to kill me. However, she was having none of it. The small punctures were unintentional, but her concern was over infection more than any discomfort (or arousal) I may have been experiencing. After taking a moment to snap the picture you see, she released me and we addressed the situation. A little cleaning, some direct pressure to stop the bleeding, a little NeoSporin on the family jewels, and I was back in another bound position getting my ass cheerfully striped with a cane.

If you engage in sadomasochistic play for any length of time, something will go wrong sooner or later. I’ve seen my share of very hard-core players, for whom drawing blood, causing severe marks, and inflicting deep bruising are all part of the intended outcome in their play. For the most part, these people know what they are doing and prepare accordingly for the “injuries” they are are expected to encounter. However, most folks – especially beginners – are usually hoping to go home with little more than reddened ass cheeks. Whatever type of player you may evolve into down the road, it’s a good idea to start out early with safety in mind.

We sadomasochists pursue our thrills in an imperfect world. Things go wrong. Whip wielding tops miss their mark. Knots come untied and hardware fails. A bottom/sub can lose their footing. The list of possible mishaps is lengthy. And then, occasionally, one or both parties can get just a little over-zealous and … “Oops!”

Neither one of you needs to be a doctor or a paramedic to ensure that those moments don’t turn into bigger problems. Just having some basic first aid knowledge and some simple supplies on hand can ensure that you are ready for almost any “Oops.”

Mistress Oasis loves to rip off clothespins. This one took a little something with it!!

But first, what can save you more trouble than anything else is your mindset. Losing yourself in your play is part of the fun. But keeping part of your brain engaged and constantly asking yourself what could possibly go wrong is your best defense against accidental injury. Always be playing the “what if” game. This is mostly the job of the Top or Dom. The sub, or bottom, should try to be aware of potential dangers as well. However, we masochists tend to drift off into a deep La-La land and our brains pretty much turn to mush at some point. A responsible Top should always keep a portion of their mind outside the scene, monitoring the environment in and around the scene.

In my time as a bottom and a sub, I’ve experienced nipple clamps placed improperly that slid off, causing horriffic “bad” pain. I’ve been hit in the nuts by a cane strike intended for my thigh. I’ve had my feet accidentally stepped on with heeled boots. I’ve had singletail whips cracked on my neck, ear and the back of my head. And once I even had a Domme trip over a length of twine that was tied to my balls and stretched across the room to a piece of furniture. Each of these could have been avoided with a little more thought, care, or practice on the part of the Domme having her way with me at the time. But again, if you play long enough and with enough people, accidents are going to happen.

Are you trained in CPR? You should be. Heart attacks aren’t just for old folks anymore. Do you or your partner have any medical issues that need to be addressed? I have asthma, so there is always an emergency inhaler nearby when Mistress Oasis plays with me, just in case.

However, most bottoms do not keel over from life threatening medical conditions during a scene. The main types of injuries you’ll come across during basic play are bruises, cuts/abrasions, and friction burns. As your play becomes more advanced, the possibility and severity of injuries increase. This is why more advanced play, such as singletail whips, hot wax, needles, edge play and others require more in-depth training and thought to be performed safely. In this article, I’ll be covering only basic boo-boos resulting from basic play.

A really basic first aid kit should be all you need to handle any minor injuries. Here’s a list of the minimum equipment you should have:

Medical grade shears – Get these at any drug store. Don’t be cheap. Get a pair of decent quality. These not only cut bandages, but can cut through rope or twine in an emergency. If they are good quality, they can also cut through leather (for when you lose the key to those little padlocks on your sub’s leather cuffs.)

Antiseptic – The purpose of this is to clean the wound and kill any germs that got in already. Hydrogen peroxide works fine. You can buy various antiseptic cleaners in the first aid section of any pharmacy. Iodine is good, but it can stain the skin. Heavier players involved in needles or cutting use a surgical grade antiseptic such as Hibiclens. You can, too, but the aforementioned stuff works just fine for minor cuts and scrapes.

Antibiotic ointment/creme – This is to fight off any germs that may get in after the wound is clean. keeping a wound clean and adding something to kill off any invading microbes will help speed up healing. Neosporin is the most popular brand. Store brands are less expensive.

Bandages – An assortment of Band-Aid bandages should always be nearby. You can’t go wrong by having a few 2×2 inch gauze pads and a roll or two of gauze for wrapping.

Medical Tape – cloth or plastic. Keep some handy.

Instant cold compress – If you have access to ice, then that’s fine. But it never hurts to have one or two of these handy, especially if you are going to play somewhere other than yours or someone else’s home. Place this on a bruise or impact wound as soon as possible to control swelling.

These are the bare essentials. But they can handle most issues that you may run across. But feel free to add additional first aid supplies as you see fit. Preparedness is something you can never have too much of.

I know there are some who think this all sounds like overkill. But a little first aid to a minor wound can mean the difference between your scene coming to a screeching halt and your night being essentially over – or simply taking a short break to treat an “Oops” and then picking things up where you left off. Even the most minor of cuts or punctures can become a serious problem if infection occurs. And I don’t care how much of a masochist you are, crawling around on the floor with a raw scrape on your knee hurts like a mother-fucker – and it’s NOT FUN!! ! So cover that scrape up so you can get back into the action! And, never stop learning and adding to your safety knowledge.

I’d love to read your comments below. You can use a fake name and email … and no salesman will call on you!!

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Are You Entitled to the Luxury of a Domme?

I want to give proper credit to @SinCityGrrl for a tweet that served to stir my brain ,and give me the idea for this article.

In her tweet, @SinCityGrrl says “Sex workers provide a luxury service. You are not entitled to us. If you can’t afford it – too bad.”

Upon reading the full tweet, and some of its 45 comments, I started thinking, “Wow, this sounds a lot like what Dommes (professional as well as lifestyle) say about ‘subs’ online.” One of the comments even mentioned guys who call and request an escort, and when she arrives, they say, “Oh, I cannot afford X … but since you’re already here, can you do me for Y?'” (Lower price.)

When I read that, I thought, “Damn, are these professional women or used cars?” I’ve known several Pro-Dommes personally, but have never actually procured the services of a “sex worker.” I’ve always assumed that it was just understood – the professional names a price, and the client pays it. I never imagined that there was “haggling” going on.

Reading on through all the comments – many from other sex workers – it hit me. The words “luxury” and “entitled” kept getting repeated.

In my book, “FemDom Dating,” I keep circling back to a common theme. What I teach submissive men is to set aside the “Fantasy Dominatrix” image and the sexual ideas when approaching Dominant women, and approach them as human beings – seeing them for the people that they are in daily life first. Most men tend to see a Domme’s profile, focus on the racy pics and the fetish list, and approach her as the high heeled, leather clad, whip wielding cartoon character in their sexual fantasies.

This tweet served to shine a light on something else that is present in their approach – “entitlement.”

Many guys approach Dommes (and yes – they approach female subs, too) as if they are entitled to the attributes and talents that these women possess. I think most women on FetLife and the various kinky dating sites can agree with me. Most messages – even the ones that just say “HI” come off as – “Hi, I see you’re a Domme (or a sub, or slave, or whatever). When do we get started?

In fact, these messages and approaches almost reek of – “Okay, you say you’re a Domme. You wrote that you enjoy x, y, and z. You posted pictures of your tits. You got me turned on. Now you owe it to me to interact with me on that level.

Kinky companions (Dommes especially) are indeed a luxury, guys.

You know, if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly at least twice a day, clean water to drink, and clothes on your back – you’re doing a shitload better than a very large segment of the world’s population. (I know personally… I spent considerable time in a war-torn African country. If you have a computer to read this stuff – you’re doing quite well in life.) Everything else is really a luxury when you think about it. Things we take for granted – indoor running water, a job, a car, spare money, the internet – are all extras that nature did not choose to automatically supply us with.

And, at the very top of the great luxury pyramid sit our unique sexual desires. BDSM is one of the most unique. BDSM activities do not come naturally. They take trust, knowledge, and skill. And yet, so many men set up online profiles and start messaging women as if those women owe it to them to participate in whatever they suggest. Isn’t that crazy?

Have you ever wondered why men refer to having sex as “getting lucky?” Because it’s not easy to get there!! Why should winning a Domme over be any different? No Domme has ever created a profile and posted photos and writings with you specifically in mind. And, isn’t finding someone who’s kinky desires match your own a luxury indeed?

If you don’t see it as a luxury, try the vanilla dating world for awhile. After a night in the sack with a vanilla girl  (lol…or even better, BEFORE you’ve had sex the first time), tell her that now you’d like to be tied up, beaten, etc – whatever your particular submissive fantasies are. If talking to a Domme – at the WORST, she would perhaps negotiate with you as to what things she’s willing to do and what she isn’t. But, it would be a calm, non-judgmental discussion. Most vanilla women would look at you with polite disgust and quickly take their leave – probably blocking your number from their phone shortly after getting in their car.

So, are Dommes and Mistresses luxuries? You’re damned right they are!
Are you entitled to what they have to offer? You are a fool to think so. Even once you establish a relationship – you are never really entitled.

I am owned and collared by Mistress Oasis. She is in love with me. And even those realities do not entitle me to the things she does on a D/s or S/M level. I earn those things on a daily basis with my words, actions, and mindset. And, if you think that “earning” equates to me being naked, collared, and doing house chores all day – you’re still in fantasy land. It’s earned by attitude, emotional investment, communication, and devotion to her as a person, even when I’m fully clothed and wandering about in the vanilla world with her. So, you see, even as a collared sub who lives this thing 24/7 – her dominance, her sadism, her command of me are all luxuries – extras that make my life a dream come true.

So, think about that before you start typing that next “Hi” message. Rather than excitedly fantasizing about what she can to to satisfy your submissive cravings, ask yourself how you will earn the luxury of having a friendship with this person. You might be amazed at how your luck changes.

Find more direct, honest, and effective advice like this when you purchase my book “FemDom Dating” – available on Amazon and other online book retailers. $4.99 Ebook / $9.99 Paperback

Get “FemDom Dating” HERE


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The easiest way to find my books is by using the ISBNs:

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“FemDom Dating” is SO Controversial…It Got My FetLife Account Shut Down

The idea for my new book, “FemDom Dating: The Submissive’s Guide To Attracting Dominant Women,” occurred to me about a year ago. The thought was, instead of continually bashing “submissive” guys for the silly (and often disgustingly offensive) messages they send to Dominant women in their attempts to attract potential play partners, and possibly cultivate romantic relationships, why not create a comprehensive, easy-to-read guide that will show them how to properly approach these women??

Let’s be honest here. I know, probably better than most, that a HUGE number of men on alternative dating and social sites who claim to be “submissive” are not only NOT “submissive” – but they also don’t give a rat’s ass about anything outside of their own fantasies and orgasms. I get it. But at the same time, there are plenty of men wandering clueless through cyberspace who honestly and passionately dream of giving their time, their devotion, and their priorities to a strong, Dominant woman. But, they STILL think dick pics and “HI” messages are the way all of this is done. Those are the guys I wanted to reach, and help realize their dreams.

I know that it gets really old for you Dommes to read lame message after lame message from “subs” that reek of zero thought or creativity. But, I also believe that there are genuine guys out there who just need some brotherly guidance, rather than a cyber-punch to the face every time they ask a question on “Dominant Women” group discussions.

Anyone who’s written a book knows that the first step is to gather as much information and supporting facts as possible to give yourself a nice bundle of substantive material to weed through, and come up with the best writing ideas. And, so it was with this book. I didn’t want it to be completely anecdotal, based only on my experiences. So, I reached out and asked for input from Dommes on FetLife. I posted my request for some very general information in one of the groups.

Ohhhhhhhh Boy!!

Right away, Mistress Troll (not her real name) fired off a nasty reply, telling me how people like ME are ruining this community by taking advantage of others’ private information and communications. She went on to say that she hoped that John Baku himself would find out about my dastardly deeds, and ban me from FetLife forever. Then, she made sure to ANNOUNCE that she would be blocking my sorry ass – so there! Bleahhhhh!! (Picture a mean bitch sticking her tongue out when you read that.)

Meanwhile back at the farm, many Dommes did reach out to me privately and I appreciate all their assistance. Some even commented on how ridiculous Mistress Troll’s response had been.

Well, within a couple of days, I suddenly couldn’t log into my profile. I received a polite email from FetLife’s equivalent of customer service (I forget what they call themselves) telling me that my account had been frozen because they believed that I was currently violating, or was plotting to violate their rules of conduct. It took me a couple of days of back and forth emails, promising that I wasn’t going to take a bunch of people’s PM’s and splash them all over a book and publish it – complete with FetLife handles and whatnot. (And, subsequently, FemDom Dating does NOT contain any content from FetLife.) But in the end, my profile was back up. It was quite tempting, I must say, to give a little shout out to Mistress Troll, saying, “Yo bitch, I’m back!!” But thankfully, I’m more of an adult than she is.

Mistress Oasis took a peek at Mistress Troll’s profile and guess what? SHE whines, moans, and bitches in her writings and group posts about the exact issue I’m trying to address in my book! Sub males sending her trashy correspondence and expecting her to drop what she’s doing and engage in sex with them! So, one would think that she would appreciate my efforts.

Anyway, “FemDom Dating” is NOT controversial after all. It was written to benefit sub males and Dommes alike. The book has been published despite Mistress Troll’s efforts. It’s on AMAZON now, and was the #1 New Release within its category the very next day.

More than anything, I guess I feel kind of sad for someone whose only source of accomplishment and satisfaction is found in tearing down other people who set out to  create something to benefit others. I’m not sure if Mistress Troll was angry that someone would actually try to write an informative guide to help submissive males better themselves or if she thought she was somehow boosting her own popularity by trying to brand me as a danger to the FetLife community, and then attacking me as a straw-man.

FemDom Dating offers advice on self improvement – what works and what doesn’t when it comes to building online profiles, messaging Dommes, and posting in groups. I explain what has worked for me as far as cultivating friendships with Dommes, being respectful without grovelling, and how to propose meeting, dating and play in dignified and positive ways.

Check out my publisher, Well Heeled Dominatrix for other titles by FemDom authors.


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More BDSM in the News!!

Have you ever wondered where all the leather came from?
Let’s Dissect Queer Men’s Longstanding Connection to Leather and BDSM
“But BDSM isn’t so much about the pleasure (or pain) as much as it’s about the experience and the intensity.”

Be Kinky – And Prosper
Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success
“A healthy relationship to kink can absolutely be the underlying cause of some people’s success”

“Snow White” with a BDSM twist
Gaultier goes S&M with Snow White ballet costumery
“Snow White is dressed in a toga and the Queen wears a typically Gaultier-esque S&M style ensemble of thigh-high boots and a bustier.”

A prime example of how vanillas misunderstand us. This is self-mutlation, not sadomasochism – and this poor man needs professional help.
Sadomasochist, 30, hacks away at his own penis with a knife after porn video ‘sends him into a frenzy’
“When blood started pouring uncontrollably from his penis, Whisanu panicked and tried to stem the flow before calling paramedics.”

Well written vanilla article on the difference between BDSM and abuse.
There’s a difference between kinky and abusive and we need to be clear about that
You cannot be too clear about consent. Talk about it, discuss it over message or email. Ask direct questions. Do not assume. Just because someone is happy for you to slap their face doesn’t mean they’ll be happy for you to pull their hair.


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Buy This Book At Amazon

Sometimes I feel like a sub… Sometimes I don’t

I found a question in a group discussion from a guy asking how to get himself “into a submissive mood” after he’s come home from a hard day, and just can’t seem to switch from vanilla to “sub” on command.

A theme I touch on in both my books: FemDom Dating and Energy and BDSM is as follows: Before we are a sub, a Dom, a masochist, a sadist, a slave or owner – we are all human beings first.

As a human, we each have a soul and a psyche. These things aren’t static. They change. They evolve. They shift back and forth like tides in the ocean. And sometimes – like an ocean tide – we cannot stop or change what our minds and bodies are doing.

I’m submissive to Mistress Oasis – and only her. Toward everyone else, I’m a confident, strong, outspoken, opinionated man with strong values and some unwavering beliefs. So, my mindset shifts several times daily, from how I interact with the outside world to how I interact with my Mistress. Additionally, my interactions with her in public are different than my interactions with her behind closed doors.

However, I go through cycles where I cannot throw that switch and go from “jeans and T-shirt guy” to the naked slave on the floor licking Mistress’ boots. Sometimes, my pain threshold goes way off kilter and I cannot take anywhere near the pain I took last week. Sometimes, all of the naked domestic service and play in the world just won’t take my mind to that magical place I usually like to float around in for hours and hours. What’s a poor subbie to do?!?!

Well, if you are a sub and experiencing such difficulty, the first thing to do is to relax. Understand that this type of shift is normal. It can be frustrating, yes. Disappointing, yes. But, it’s a totally normal human condition.

In my opinion, there are lots of things you can do for your Dominant, even if you can’t get yourself into that “submissive” mindset. But first, communication is paramount. Your Dominant and you must have an understanding that:

1) There will be times when you will simply not be in “sub”” mode, and

2) What the two of you will do when this is the case.

(Note: Dommes can go through the same thing. They can have periods where they just want to co-exist with you without necessarily consider themselves “over” you. So, it’s a good thing to have an understanding about this as well.)

Once you and your Dominant have come to terms with the fact that you are in a slump, there are things you can do to maintain some of your submissive presence, without pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone.

  1. If your situation allows you to be unclothed, and being unclothed won’t throw you off emotionally, then by all means – get those clothes off. Even if the rest of your evening will be spent watching TV, doing so with you naked and your Domme dressed will still be an expression of your devotion as her sub. Add a collar if you like to really make the statement.
  2. Make dinner, or order it and serve it up to your Domme with a nice table setting.
  3. Draw a bath for her. Almost every woman I’ve known enjoys sitting in a tub and relaxing while having their back scrubbed gently and their hair washed. Some candles and a glass of wine can add a very loving touch.
  4. Foot rubs. Who doesn’t LOVE a good foot rub?? Again, add to the experience by doing it naked. Even better, sit on the floor and prop her feet up while she sits in a chair. Being on my knees and rubbing my Domme’s feet actually helps deliver me into my submissive headspace. If your Domme doesn’t like her feet messed with (I’ve known some just like that), then rub her back and shoulders.
  5. Brush her hair. A lot of guys don’t think of this. But, I’ve found that most women really love to have someone brush their hair for them.
  6. Finally, at bedtime, don’t just lay down and go to sleep. Whatever your sleeping arrangements are (some Dommes actually have their sub sleep on the floor) offer to first help her fall asleep. Most folks have favorite places they like to have rubbed gently. Back, neck, legs, butt, etc. Stay up and rub her favorite areas – or her whole body if she likes that – until she falls asleep.

Basically, use these periods of submissive “malaise” as opportunities for romantic interludes to show your appreciation for your Domme. I think a lot of guys relate being “submissive” with performing in a sexual or masochistic manner. In fact, “submission” takes many forms. Just think of things that will make your Domme happy and go for it!


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

My motivation behind “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”

I’M SO EXCITED!!!! The manuscript is done. The cover is done. We’ve sent the files to the printer. Very soon, “FemDom Dating” will be on the market!!!!

Why I wrote “FemDom Dating: The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women”

The scene is all too familiar: A woman with a profile on either a BDSM online dating site or social site reads aloud a message sent to her from some unknown man, which was clearly a very poor attempt to win her attention, and some sort of positive reply. The person she’s reading it to rolls their eyes, laughs, and responds with something like, “Oh my God, what a schmuck!” or “What an asshole! What makes guys think it’s alright to say that to someone he doesn’t even know?”

I’ve heard and read thousands of these from girlfriends, friends, and casual play Dommes. Even my ex-wife (when we were married) would show me the ridiculous things men would write in an attempt to say just the right thing that will raise her eyebrow, make her read it once again, and send a response that basically says, “Tell me more.”

Heck, I STILL get to see them regularly from Mistress Oasis.

It’s easy to blow these men off as jerks, assholes, or desperate idiot wankers who are just constantly thinking with their dicks. And many of them are.

But, over the years, I’ve been watching the FemDom chat rooms and group pages. Lots of submissive men post genuine comments and questions, trying to figure out where they are going wrong. Sure, many of them seem virtually clueless – “I’ve had my profile up for three weeks and sent a hundred PMs out, and no Dommes will respond to me.”

However, I’ve seen others post very sincere questions, simply trying to find out what makes Dommes tick so that they can improve their “skillset” at attracting a Domme’s interest. And, more times than not, these men are criticized, belittled, or answered with terse comments that basically don’t help or show any level of empathy. I guess that’s what chewed away at me the most – seeing the lack of empathy toward these guys…assuming that they are just dumb, or too lazy to “learn,” or perhaps not really even a submissive. I see this happening even in the “101” or “newbies” groups. Few people want to remember that they, too, were once very new, and confused as to how all of this works.

The BDSM world has become much more complex than it was when I first started to interact with other kinksters. And, the sexual marketing that we are bombarded with at every click of a mouse can easily make it appear that it is okay to simply pick a profile and send a message like “Hi. I’m a submissive. I like to do X, Y, and Z and I want you to do this, that, and that to me.”


In my book, I talk directly to the reader. I’m honest but not critical. I explain things from a male point of view. I don’t just demand that you stop thinking with your pecker. I explain why it’s important to stop thinking with your pecker. I’m a guy, I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t criticize you for thinking the way a guy thinks at a primal level. I explain the differences between online imagery and BDSM reality. At the same time, I explain how to evolve into what Dommes are looking for – from my own experiences, and those of others.

I’ve been “kinky” all my life. I’ve been in several committed BDSM relationships. I’ve been involved with many other women in “casual” BDSM play relationships over the past 30 years. I’ve hosted events that brought me in contact with hundreds of fellow kinksters. I’ve been Mistress Oasis’ sub for several years now. Imagine sitting down, having a beer with me, and asking me anything you wanted – and getting honest, non-judgmental answers from me. What worked? What didn’t work? What have I learned through it all? What would I repeat? What would I never, ever try again?

That’s how I wrote this book: with honesty, sincerity, and with respect for where you are right at this moment. Additionally, I explain things using a business analogy.

  • See yourself as a product. What do you need to do to make yourself the best product you can possibly be? In what areas of your life do you need to improve?
  • Market yourself. How to tell Dommes, “Look at me!!” – without sounding like a degenerate sitting at his computer with his pants around his ankles.
  • Close deals. How and when do you ask for a meeting? How do you act on a date with a Domme? How do you negotiate play, relationship, and other important considerations?

My goal is to help you become more of what Dommes are looking for. Simultaneously, I hope this book will improve the field of candidates that Dominant women face, and lessen the frustration they experience from sorting through page after page of insulting messages and approaches.

I wrote this book from the heart, with the intent on helping more people find the happiness they have been seeking. It’s my hope that this book will help submissive men who haven’t been able to attract a Domme, learn from others’ and their own mistakes, and to ultimately experience the connection and joy that Mistress Oasis and I have experienced over the years.

Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Buy This Book On Amazon
Buy This Book On Amazon