Is “Coming Out” Right For You – Think Before You Jump

“50 Shades” is a best-seller.
You can watch “Submission” on Showtime.
Rhianna sang “S&M” and it was a hit.
Dog collars and fuzzy cat tails are now considered acceptable fashion accessories in public.
“Pride” events are everywhere. In fact, cities even sponsor and support them.

So why shouldn’t we kinky folks all just start “coming out” and showing the world our “pride” without shame or regret? I mean, isn’t this the modern world?

Something I’ve run into time and time again (especially with younger newbies) is an intense desire to share with the world their newfound discovery of a “community” that thinks and acts like they do. I can still remember how refreshed and relieved I felt when I finally found a group of people I could speak openly and honestly to about these things that I’d kept secret from the rest of the world my entire life. It was amazing! I finally didn’t feel “dirty,” or “sick.” I didn’t feel like a “pervert.” I actually knew men and women who did the exact things I secretly did (and wanted to do), who loved each other, and led very “normal” lives (to the vanilla world.) I’d found a home.

I’ve listened to literally dozens of people express this same feeling of validation and relief when they finally decided to show up at munches and join the community. Some have even broken down in tears while explaining how they felt there was something “wrong” with them for so many years before they came looking. So, I understand how moving it can be to finally find one’s place among like-minded people.

So why should we hide? After all, there are so many of us. Modern pop culture is generously sprinkled with a decadent coating of “kinky” overatures. You can disagree with me if you like. But in my experience, the vanilla world is not ready to embrace us in the open. Nor should they be.

My personal experience in “coming out” began innocently enough. I had a “leather pride” sticker on my car window. Nothing major. Just a blue, black and white strip across the back window. A friend at work asked me about it. I made several attempts at saying it meant nothing, but he did not relent. I I finally explained what the colors meant. He was a good friend, so I trusted him. Plus, I worked in a government job where discrimination was forbidden. We had several openly homosexual employees who were never bothered. So I figured I was safe. Besides, he wouldn’t tell anyone, right?

Well, he didn’t tell anyone maliciously. It was more like he nudged a buddy of his later in the office and said, “Hey, did you know Dragos (of course, he used my real name) is, like, into bondage and stuff? And his wife is his sex slave!! It didn’t take long for the wildfire to spread, and I found myself confronted by guys asking me breathlessly, “Do you really get to do all that stuff to your wife?” (See how vanillas immediately zero in on the sexual and physical part of all this?)

I started thinking I’d made a mistake, but re-assured myself that my bosses couldn’t fuck with me. That would be discrimination. It’s the modern world, and tolerance is the name of the game, right?

They never say, “We’ve found out that you are in an alternative relationship that we don’t approve of, so we are going to start working on firing you.” That would be discrimination. No, instead, my “performance” began to suddenly and drastically fall short of the “standards.” After five years of stellar employee reviews and a promotion, I somehow suddenly couldn’t do anything right! My employee file began to fill up with one disciplinary action after another. I didn’t fill out this form right. I missed a widget over here. I failed to document such and such correctly. First came the written warnings, then the suspensions. One day, three days, five days! Each time they presented me with yet another complaint, I would respond with the same refrain – “I’m doing all the same things I’ve done for five years. Everyone makes minor errors like these, but no one else gets written up and suspended for them.”

Their reply? Not only was my performance failing to improve, but I was “refusing to accept responsibility” for my actions. It took about a year, but they finally had stacked my file full enough to start issuing “final warnings.” I knew it was my queue to leave on my own if I didn’t want to get fired and never find decent work again.

That was the last time I ever “came out” to fellow employees. (Thank God I now work full time for Mistress Oasis!!)

But that’s just my story. And all I lost was a job.

Vanilla society (and I’m talking about right here in the USA where the First Amendment gives us “free expression”) does not understand what we do, and is quick to judge when anyone cries “foul.” Take a look at these criminal actions, all involving “domestic abuse” that included “slave contracts” – all from THIS YEAR!

Ex Romney Staffer Had Woman Sign Sex Slave Contract
DA seeks more victims of Hellertown man who allegedly forced women into ‘a sex slave contract’
Man pleads no contest to making woman sign ‘slave contract’
Prominent Silicon Valley investor denies he kept a sex slave for 13 years
Man who made wife sign “slave contract” is sentenced

Now, before you judge me, let me make clear that I DO NOT condone domestic violence at all, in any form whatsoever. And I feel any person who genuinely abuses another needs to be put down like a rabid dog … but prison will do just fine.

However, regardless of what you and I may think of each one of these cases, one fact remains indisputable: None of us can ever know what actually transpired in each of them Do all of these men really “force” these women to sign contracts? Why bother, if their violence was enough to terrorize their girlfriends and wives, resulting in the women’s’ repeated compliance. Or were any of these actually cases of a woman who was consensually participating in a D/s relationship, got pissed at the guy for whatever reason, and went to authorities with the “sex slave” story?

And it’s always “sex slave.” Vanillas never refer to what we have as a “relationship,” or our “dynamic.” The word “submissive” is never used. It’s always “sex slave.”

A few years back, while researching one of these cases where a woman was suing a former boyfriend and presenting a “slave contract” as proof of abuse, I followed some links to a feminist website where several women were ranting and raving about this case – discussing “men” (not “some men”… but “men”) and our violent, domineering sexual tendencies. I jumped in on the chat and pointed out that I was an active sadomasochist who actually let women do violent things to me, and explained that there are lots of men out there who gladly obey every command and whim of the women they love. I figured a bunch of feminists could appreciate that. WRONG!! I was excoriated for being a disgusting pervert, and was lectured on how “submissive” men simply force women to perform these disgusting acts on them for their (the men’s) own despicable, deviant pleasures. So much for tolerance and understanding.

To vanillas, what we do is sex. Just weird, kinky sex. We are no different than swingers, flashers, and peeping toms. We all have a screw loose and just think about sex all the time. They don’t see the deep love of a submissive, reaching out to her Dom from the swirly fog of sub space. They don’t picture the Mistress who’s heart melts watching her slave busying himself with house chores for her happiness. They don’t envision the loving connection between sadist and masochist during aftercare. This is another reason I preach the loving / relationship side of BDSM in my books and blog.

Also, once you’ve announced yourself to vanillas, it’s a bell that cannot be “un-rung.” From then on, you are that “kinky” person.

Oh, sure. There are scores of kinksters out there extolling the virtues of openly displaying their dynamic by walking a sub on a leash in public, or having them lick boots in front of vanillas, or any number of other things. It’s all about shock value in my opinion, and it doesn’t do our community any good. And think about it – by openly displaying our kinky sides to the public, we are denying vanillas the right of consent.

Vanillas will never understand us. And for that reason, I see no need to be “in their face” about what I do privately with Mistress Oasis. No one needs to know that we are anything other than a loving couple. Employers will never tell you that they are forcing you out because of your kink. Judges and juries don’t seem to believe in “consensual” slavery. And, to be honest, I like BDSM to have some “mystique” about it don’t you?

Coming out is a personal choice. And it’s entirely your call whether to keep your kinks under wraps, or to dress up like a freak and proclaim your “diversity” to the world. But it’s important to keep in mind that you’ll never know where an attack may come from, or how devastating it may wind up being.


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More BDSM in the News!! 05/29/2018

It agers me that violent assholes are trying to use “role play” as an excuse.
The Boundary Between Abuse and B.D.S.M.
“In May, four women told The New Yorker that Eric T. Schneiderman, then the New York attorney general, had assaulted them. Mr. Schneiderman defended himself by claiming he was participating in role play. “

Keep an eye out for this!!
New Web Series Mercy Mistress Explores the Crossroads of BDSM & Asian Femininity
“If we embrace the darker sides of sexual desires, we can let light into those areas and practice in safe, consensual, and meaningful ways.”

Dating a subordinate at work is risky. But I think this guy was stupid.
Lawyer Fired After Sending BDSM Sex Contract To Junior Employee. Naturally He Sues.
“He spanked the subordinate over the desk of a partner who was in court at the time”

As a sensory dep fan, I say “YEAH!!!”
These Arca co-signed headphones are a BDSM cage
“Shaped like a cage, the headphones are designed to completely encase the wearer’s head, and even have a gag-inspired mouth embellishment to keep it accurate to the BDSM fantasy.”

Well, THIS is interesting…
Top cop becomes dominatrix after years of investigating sex crimes
“Calea said she had originally been inspired to become a dominatrix after years of investigating sex crimes for the police.”


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Whining on FetLife Gets You NOWHERE!!

AAAArrrgghhh!!!!!! – I can’t take it anymore!!!

…..Okay, I’ve got that out of my system and now I can write this in a calm manner.

I was browsing one of the FetLife groups I belong to today. I happened upon yet another post from yet another man who who was complaining about the “clicky-ness” (for lack of a better term) on FetLife, and the fact that one of his posts on another group had been removed for being off topic or inappropriate for that group. He went on to complain that, when he asks questions in groups, he’s scolded by some members for whatever. (See my blog post on trolls HERE.)

As is my usual practice, I clicked over to his profile to learn more about this person before I posted a comment about his “topic.” As I guessed, he was a sub whose entire profile description was about wanting to find Dommes to play with. The description was basically two short paragraphs with no real detail about himself, except what he wanted to “find” on FetLife (play partners). He had one picture of himself (I suppose) dressed, and from the neck down. So, I give him points for not having a dick pic as his profile photo. But, there’s a pattern I’ve noticed. These posts usually come for guys who thought that posting a profile on Fetlife, and messaging some women, was going to set them up with a lifetime of kinky play and sex. But, that’s another topic for another blog post.

Hey guys – here’s some tough love:

Nobody cares that you aren’t having fun on FetLife!!

Now, I can agree with you on many points.

YES, it is incredibly difficult and frustrating if you are wanting to live out your male submissive dreams, and you are trying to do so without ever leaving the safety of your bedroom. I’m always going to circle back to my point that the magic normally doesn’t happen until you show up in person to events where you can meet people for real.

YES, I think too many people on FetLife are not nice. I believe we should all be more understanding of others, and realize that we were all new at one time and we all struggled to learn everything that we now know. I wish things were the way I experienced them back in the 90s, when most people online were civil and eager to explain what they knew without judgement. But, that train left the station a long time ago.

YES, I know that it’s not easy being a single sub male in an ocean of single sub males, all trying to get noticed and hopefully catch the eye of one of the very few Dominant women out there. Hell, that’s exactly why I spent a year writing “FemDom Dating.” I realized that it wasn’t possible that all of the guys I saw sending really bad messages and posting really silly shit were simply assholes. It can be frustrating and it’s nice to have someone who’s been through it help guide your way.

HOWEVER – whining about it in a group (even if posed as a reasonable “question”) is not appreciated by anyone. It is seen as childish and wimpy. Plus, everyone is busy trying to get what they are after on FetLife, be it a date, online validation and confirmation that people “like” them, a sense of community, a good wank session – whatever. They are not interested in consoling you or me over our exasperation that things are going the way we thought they would on FetLife.

Here are some pointers that I think can help when you are getting frustrated at a lack of progress in your online efforts on FetLife.

  1. If you are online trying to meet your “forever” Domme, and are bombing out – YOU NEED MY BOOK!!
  2. Opinions are like assholes – everybody has one … and some make more noise than others. – Get used to it. If you post something in cyberspace where hundreds of people are going to see it, there will be hundreds of differing opinions as to how intelligent, relevant, or interesting your post is. If the moderators of the group you are in feel your post doesn’t belong there, they have the right to remove it. People who don’t agree with you are going to say so. Some will be very nasty about it.
  3. Your education is your responsibility – If you’re a newbie, the BDSM world can be very confusing. This is especially true as you learn more and more about the difference between what you thought BDSM was like and what its realities are. There is much to learn. And, there are thousands of resources available online that explain damn near everything you could want to know about your specific kink. Something I’ve observed over the last 30 years is that, with all of the information at our fingertips, most people still prefer to learn things person to person. And, I will agree that there are people who will react rudely when you post a question that they feel is basic knowledge. But, it is up to you to try to learn all you can yourself. When I first got into the BDSM community, I bought STACKS of books on BDSM 101, psychology behind D/s, how to top, how to tie knots, how to play safely, how to throw a whip, etc. Take time, and study up.
  4. You’ll get more out of real life – Oh, I know. Here I am – one more asshole telling you to “go to a munch.” Here’s the reality: I don’t care how many discussions you have online, how many articles you read, or how many pictures and videos you look at – you won’t learn as much as you will meeting, talking to, and watching people who actually do what you are wanting to do. And, as I explain in both my books, your chances of actually meeting someone, and getting an opportunity to play increase astronomically once you show up in real life to events. I don’t care how many people brag about having a fulfilling “online” D/s relationship. They wouldn’t be saying that if they’d experienced the real thing.
  5. A lot of FetLifers have never been to a munch either – When Mistress_So_and_So (who posts 50 comments every day and who’s profile claims she’s been a “Lifestyle Domme” for 20+ years – and has no photo of herself) trashes you over a post, relax. I have no hard numbers or research. But, I know how my friends who actually show up for events “speak” on FetLife. And, a lot of people on FL do not speak the same way. Think about it, some of these people are on there posting, “liking,” commenting and criticizing all day long. If they are really living 24/7 D/s lives, why do they need to be on FL all the time? Now, I post things as often as I can. It gets me seen, and sells books. But I run a business, I serve a real-life Domme, and we really play. I far prefer real service and real play to reading about it, and looking at pictures. Think about that when one of these chronic FL trolls hammers you online. Chances are that they aren’t getting any more action than you are. But, by criticizing everyone, they think they sound more “informed.” You have no idea. Move on, and don’t let it bother you.
  6. None of it matters! – I’m going to tell you a secret. The 200 messages you sent out that received no reply, the 5 or 6 questions you asked in the “For Newbies” group that got you slammed by a gang of cackling hens pecking away at their keyboards – even the time you jumped in a group and got scolded because you asked if there were any Dommes in your area who wanted to play; none of it will matter when (and if) you meet a Domme who finds you worthy of date. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t give people a reason not to like you. Posting general complaints on FetLife about FetLife will not win anyone over – and it certainly isn’t going to get you a date with a Domme. Learn to blow off the bad stuff, and keep moving forward.


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Does Your “Dream Domme” Exist? – Reasonable Expectations

One thing that stands out in many online comments and messages offered by men claiming to be submissive is a lack of understanding of one major reality – Dommes are human beings.

A frightening number of “subs” hold a mystical, even surreal view of what Dominant women are really like. Additionally, they seem to hold very unrealistic ideals of what submitting to such a woman would entail.

It would seem that most of these men enter the online arena with a preconceived mental image of Dommes as being perfectly shaped, perfectly groomed, leather-clad vixens who are constantly on the prowl for the next horny sub to come into their lair to be stripped and “punished.” (Of course the “punishments” always consist of the sub’s favorite fantasy activities.) In these men’s minds, Dommes are always ready for the next scene, always expecting “proper” protocol and demeanor from subs, and always have a whip in hand, just in case.

In my book, FemDom Dating – The Submissive Male’s Guide to Attracting Dominant Women, I call this mental image the “Fantasy Dominatrix.”

The reality is that Dominant women, when you meet them, don’t outwardly appear any different than every other woman you’ve ever met. This is so important for you to remember if you are a single submissive male trying to meet Dominant women online. These women, Dominant as they may be, have no desire to play the “Mistress/slave” game until they have gotten to know a sub – very, very well.

Dominant women come in all shapes and sizes, and all types of personalities. They have good days and bad days. They have jobs, car payments, children, family issues, health issues, rent, and morning breath – just like everyone else  in the world.

If you keep this in mind, you’ll realize just how silly it is to “approach” these women online with stereotypical “submissive” grovelling, overly wordy proclamations of your submissiveness and desires, and dramatic terms of endearment like “Goddess” or “Mistress.”

Reality of D/s Relationships

In the same context, men also jump online with a skewed view of what it’s actually like to be in a Female led relationship.

I won’t lie to you. In my relationship as Mistress Oasis’ submissive, I’ve found a happiness and contentment that I never experienced in any vanilla relationship. Even in my relationships as a Top and a switch, I never came close to the overall jubilance I experience as a collared sub.

But, it’s not all nudity, bondage, whippings, and CBT. In fact, there’s not nearly as much of that as outsiders may think. We have a business and we work – hard. We have a home to keep up with. I have family, she has family. Life issues come up. Money issues come up. Health issues come up. Most of the time, we operate more as partners than we do as Mistress and slave.

I’m strong willed and outspoken. So is she. Often, we have to work things out as equals. I know there are some relationships in which “Her” word is always the last on any given subject. But, our relationship is a little more balanced. It doesn’t make me a “bad” sub or her a bad Domme. It’s just what works for us.

What kind of D/s relationship will work for you is something that will take time, effort, and communication with the Domme who lets you in someday. And, it won’t be 24/7 of her “commanding” you, and you obeying. It just doesn’t work like that.

Understanding these realities, and keeping them in mind as you craft your messages and ask questions on group forums, will help you stand above the ocean of creeps, wankers, perverts, and losers calling themselves “submissives,” and will demonstrate to Dommes that you truly have submission in your heart.

Yes, your perfect Domme is out there. But, you’ll probably be surprised at how little she resembles your “fantasy Dominatrix.”


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Dommes not responding to you?? Nix the Pics of your DICK!!!

Imagine you were applying for a really great job. Let’s pretend it was something that was going to start you off with about six figures per year. Great pay, huh?

Now, let’s pretend that I was someone in the Human Resources department of that company and, while scheduling your interview, I said to you – “There is one thing that will absolutely guarantee that you won’t get hired here. The management hates purple ties. Whatever you do, DON’T wear a purple tie.

Now, let’s assume you show up on interview day with your purple tie on. And, you are SHOCKED when you are told at the end of your interview, “Thank you, but you’re not what we’re looking for.”

You must be thinking, “Well, I’m not that stupid. If you told me not to wear a purple tie, I wouldn’t wear one.”

If that is your answer, then you have just a slight idea of how totally oblivious A LOT of guys calling themselves submissive males are when it comes to online profiles.

I’m going to get right to the point here. Dommes do NOT care about your pecker!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t say that Dommes don’t like penises. Certainly they do. They like the penises that are attached to the male subs that they 1) get to know, 2) build trust and understanding with, and 3) agree to play with.

It is the penis that is splashed all over the profile of a submissive that sends them a “hello” message (whom they’ve never met) that Dommes don’t like. It’s without a doubt the NUMBER 1 complaint I hear and read over and over from Dominant women when it comes to their online experiences.

It doesn’t make sense, does it? They are women. You are certain that you have a really nice looking cock dangling between your legs. YOU like to see female breasts and closeup photos of vaginas. So, what gives? How could they possibly not be impressed by the 17 pictures you have of your flop-snake in various stages of rigidity and self bondage?

What I’m telling you here is not coming from me. It’s coming from thousands of women who are posting comments all over online forums, and a couple of hundred that I’ve personally befriended and spoken to in my 30 years in the lifestyle.

Here’s the deal, guys. Women THINK differently than we do. We men are visually and sexually driven. The sight of sexual organs draws our attention and interest. We straight guys love to see tits and pussy. Gay guys love to see dick. And bi guys – well, I guess they like looking at everybody’s junk.

But, women look past the physical. That’s not to say that they don’t look and assess physical attractiveness in a male specimen. But, they quickly move on to sizing up a guy’s intelligence, mannerisms, personality, confidence, and other things to determine compatibility. Dommes especially have a keen sense of knowing that they can pretty much have any cock they want. So, they look beyond that to assess the quality of the package that the cock is attached to (meaning the whole man).

None of this is to say that Dommes do not have a sexual drive or that they don’t enjoy a nice penis. Quite the contrary, they can be very sexual and even focus a lot of attention on their sub’s cock. But, that’s after they have established a friendly relationship with a sub.

Posting picture after picture of your schlong on your profile simply screams “I’m obsessed with SEX!!” What a Domme is looking for is a man who is obsessed with pleasing her. And by “pleasing her,” I don’t just mean sexually. And, I don’t just mean being good at foot worship or taking a good beating. What I mean is – can you satisfy her with your personality, your wit, your charm, and your obedience in non-sexual aspects and tasks?

But, prior to all of that, when she gets that message in her in-box that starts with “Hello Mistress So and So,” she’s simply trying to establish whether or not you are a “wanker.” In other words, are you simply looking for someone to please you? Someone to satisfy your fantasies? Someone to get you off? Guess what she’s going to think when she clicks on your profile (and she will) only to find a plethora of pictures of your sex organ?

I’m not saying that I’m completely against nude photos or dick pics. Hell, I have a few on my profiles. But, then again, I’m collared and monogamous. I’m not trying to find a relationship. If you are single and seeking, a good rule of thumb when it comes to phallic photos is: Less is better


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Don’t Bomb While Finding a Domme

Are you a submissive guy (or any other, for that matter) trying to find your perfect kinky partner? Are you bombing out consistently on FetLife?

Here’s a suggestion: Stop treating FetLife like a dating site.

One of the tips I repeat several times in my new book, “FemDom Dating,” is to remember that FetLife is a social site (like Facebook). It’s NOT a dating site (like AdultFriendFinder).

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a scolding (like you are apt to receive inside any number of FetLife’s discussion forums). I totally get the fact that, as guys, we see profiles of hot women that include photos. Some of those photos are downright “wankable” in their arousal factor. Then, these women go on to add vivid descriptions of their kinky likes and interests. Some even state that they are seeking others to play with and/or build relationships with. Our primitive male hunter instincts say “CHARGE!!!”

Oh yes, there is a hunting caveman deep inside each and every one of us! So, we go after our prey, in the form of private messages. Most often, these take the form of either thinly veiled attempts at appearing casual:
“Hi, I really like your photos. I’m a submissive male who likes (fill in the blank). Would you like to chat?”

Or, some go right for the jugular:
“Wow! You’re really HOT. I love your tits! Can I be your slave?”

If you are engaging in such communications, I’m going to bet that you are bombing out most times. That’s because, despite what their pictures show, and what their words say, most women (especially the Dommes) are not on FetLife seeking their next date. It’s a social site. They are basically just expressing themselves. Simply going in for the kill is not going to work for you 99 times out of 100.

Now, I’m not saying you should never use FetLife to try to establish a relationship with someone who may become your forever Domme. But, you need to change your thinking. If you are sincerely looking for a Domme to serve, and you are not just seeking wank fodder – here are some tips that can help you get where you want to be in the FemDom world.

1) Get off the computer: If you aren’t involved in a nearby real life BDSM community, then it’s time to start. Attend munches, classes, discussion groups – whatever you can. If you don’t have events near you, make one of your own. I teach you how to do this in my book, FemDom Dating. Your chances of meeting a real, and available Domme will increase exponentially if you actually appear in person.

2) Don’t get tunnel vision: If you are going to use FetLife, think of it only as one “tool” in an overall networking strategy – not an online dating venue. Think long term and think broadly. Don’t contact a Domme with the idea that you are going to “get” that Domme. Instead, reach out to her with the idea of making just one more friend. That friend can lead to any number of possibilities – an intro to someone who is more compatable (or available), a contact at an event that you may not have known about, advice that can help you better yourself and your marketability as an available submissive, or maybe…just maybe, a relationship with this Domme herself. But, don’t start out with that as your one goal.

3) Friends – not strangers – become play partners … and more: Here is a fact from my kinky life. I’ve played with 34 women that I can specifically remember, and list, as well as others. Two were wives and six were long term girlfriends. All the rest were “casual” play. Every single one of them began as a FRIEND. Re-assess your goals in the BDSM world. Are your actions constantly dictated by a desire to simply engage in the physical aspects of BDSM? I know that the “hookup” culture today is very trendy. But this is BDSM – not fucking in a back alley. Far more communication, understanding, and TRUST is needed to play our games. Focus your efforts on making real friends with Dommes (and everyone else you can) without expectations of any particular friendship becoming something “more.” You will be amazed how much more receptive a real life friend who knows you as a good man will be to helping you fulfill your needs than some random “hot” woman you message online.

In my new book, I explain these and many other aspects of dating as a submissive male to help you become more marketable, more confident, and more successful in fulfilling your submissive needs in the BDSM world.


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