Light At The End

Mistress Oasis and I had another of our phenomenal, mind blowing “US” Wednesdays again yesterday. We basically blow off work, clients, responsibilities – and spend a whole day playing, loving, connecting. The depth, the intimacy, the love and connection all came together perfectly. And I’ve woken up still swimming in that amazing headspace that feels like a warm sphere of pure love is encasing me – separating me from the world and all its coldness.

As I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, my mind wandered back to our initial meeting. It was quite accidental in many ways, and almost didn’t happen because I was at a very low point in my BDSM journey. It was only by happenstance that I showed up at the same place she was one evening. But that happenstance changed my life.

Without a doubt, the “darkest” time in my BDSM journey was early on in my first marriage. I was 21 and a soldier serving stateside at the time. We had been dabbling regularly into bondage play and some light flogging and spanking. I almost always topped her, but with persuasion had succeeded in getting her to switch a few times. However, deep inside I knew I needed to experience more of the “receiving” side of things. I knew I wanted to feel more intense pain, feel a greater loss of control and a greater sense of being under her power and whim. However, that was simply not how she was wired.

One night it all came to a head. After days of having tried to coax her to tie me down to the bed again and do “those things” to me, she finally erupted and let me have it. She made quite clear that my very manhood was in question as far as she was concerned. These things I wanted disgusted her and basically she wondered what kind of “real man” would want those things from a woman.
I spent that night in our guest bedroom with the lights off and kneeling in a corner for several hours. I sat there on my knees, tears streaming down, praying to the God whom I was always taught loved me and wanted good things for me. I prayed and begged for him to rip this horrible and disgusting thing out of me that made me a horrible and disgusting person. I wondered why a loving God would put such a terrible flaw into his creation. I’ve never abandoned my faith in God – but he did not remove the thorn from my side that night, despite all of my anguish.

Fast forward another lifetime. I was more than double the age that I was when I sat there on my knees asking God to make me a good person worthy of love. I’d been through two divorces, two careers, two home ownerships, etc. I’d been actively involved in the leather community for the vast majority of my adult life. I’d been a switch for many years and later put down the whip altogether and fully embraced being a submissive.

I was well liked and had all of the “play partners” I could possibly want. I’m a fun masochist, so my requests for a good beating were rarely turned down. But those were hour-long events. When lucky, I was invited to spend a weekend serving a Domme. A weekend of domestic chores with some good, sadistic play mixed in. The energy was great, but these were all friendships. For an extended period, I’d served one Domme on a regular basis. She had convinced me that the trick to fulfillment in all of this was NOT to fall in love. Love complicated matters. Dominance, submission, protocol. If you couldn’t be content with that, there was something wrong with you as a submissive. After all, she was granting me the privilege of serving her and receiving her marks and bruises. What more could a submissive want?

After about a year, she ended my service abruptly with an email and no explanation.

The next 6 -8 months were spent attending munches and play parties. I reverted back to switching for awhile just to increase my play opportunities. I “dated” a Domme here, a Domme there. Either their personality or style wouldn’t match what I was looking for. I was getting all the playtime I could handle. I even had some fairly regular sexual partners. So, by “kinky” standards, my life was perfect.

But I was still unhappy. My kinky life wasn’t “dark” – it was empty. I was walking away from each scene and each sexual encounter saying “Well, THAT was fun!” – but my heart was telling me something different. Looking over fresh bruises acquired the night before no longer held the awe and appeal it once did. Eventually my disillusionment caused play partners and sex partners to see me as “conflicted” and not so much fun anymore.

I stepped out of the lifestyle. I tried vanilla dating, but discovered that vanilla women were more neurotic than anything I’d run across in the lifestyle. So the emptiness grew inside. I felt that I did not fit in anywhere.

It was simply by chance that an old friend said, “I know you aren’t playing or dating. But what can it hurt to come out and hang with some of your own kind for an evening?” Another person had decided to come along with some kinky friends to just “hang out” that night as well. And if not for that twist of fate, perhaps we would have never met. And it wasn’t even until I’d chatted it up with this “friend of a friend of a friend” and we were parting ways for the evening that I learned her name – Mistress Oasis.

I have to stop there, because to write anymore about it would be giving away a chapter of my book. But hopefully, someone who is wandering about feeling empty in this lifestyle will stumble upon this writing of mine. To them I would say “Don’t give up.” Take a break if you need to, but don’t quit showing up. This lifestyle has new people filtering into it every day. And it’s not all twenty-somethings who just finished reading “50 Shades.” There are women coming into this community in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s who have wanted to rule men all their lives and only now have decided to shed society’s “norms” and seek what they crave.

But you have to be there if you’re going to meet them. I hope you find yours soon!

– Slave Dragos


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Delayed Rewards

Submissive males, here’s some advice that could prove invaluable to you:
Set aside your overbearing desire for sex – and you just might wind up having better sexual experiences that you’ve ever dared dream of.

In my book, ENERGY and BDSM, I discuss energy between BDSM practitioners, how to become more aware of your own energy, and ways to enhance that energy connection between partners in a BDSM environment. Since my start in the 90’s I’ve spent many years performing scenes at clubs and dungeons that had “No Penetration” and “No Bodily Fluids” rules, so early on I got to learn to appreciate the joy and intensity of an S/M scene without expectations of sex or orgasm – and I started out as a Top! Whenever I was not partnered in life with someone, I had a lot more play without sex than I would actually have sex itself. I always chased the “head high” of the experience, along with the energy connection with the person I was playing with at any given moment.

That’s not to say that I’m “a-sexual” or not very sexually driven or what-not. Hell, I LOVE sex. And I love orgasms. But I knew how to shelve that and enjoy a scene with a beautiful naked woman in front of me without constantly being focused on her or my genital or desire to get laid. That in itself had payoffs, as I gained a reputation as “that guy” who club managers and dungeon owners would recommend to any new ladies who might be there on their first visit and want to experiment, but didn’t know how or – more importantly – with whom to play. Being known as a Top who didn’t take himself too seriously, would stay well within limits, and never tried to take advantage of a sub or bottom gave me even more play opportunities.

I’ve always preached that “This is not just sex.” I used to get so disgusted at people who couldn’t get past the naked imagery and the raw arousal quality of what we kinksters do. But, as I’m older, I realize that for some that’s as deep as BDSM or D/s will ever go and there is no interest in seeing anything more in it. They’re not “bad.” They just aren’t interested in experiencing anything deeper than an orgasm.

However, for you guys who identify for real as one who gains his happiness when making someone else happy, one of the first things you must learn is to regulate the flames of sexual desire for the purpose of attaining a place within your higher calling. I didn’t say give up on sex, or totally deny yourself sex. I said REGULATE. The Dommmes I’ve known far prefer to control a man who is already in control of himself.

It is not a losing proposition. Let me tell you what you stand to gain. Having those above-stated qualities can attract some very strong, sophisticated, and caring women to you. Turning your focus from sex to simply pleasing a woman without expectations can lead to very meaningful relationships. this can lead to falling in love. I’m here to tell you that sex with a strong, intelligent, dominant and caring woman that you are madly and helplessly in love with is an experience like no other. Your wildest visually oriented sex fantasies come nowhere close to what is felt when there is a heart connection.

I am desperately in love with my incredible Mistress, who also loves me. That alone makes the service better. It makes the naked vulnerability better. It makes the pain better. And when she orders me to “Get on that bed!” – what follows is a body, mind and HEART experience that has been known to almost render me unconscious at times.

Guys – it all begins with focusing on her.


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)


A look at BDSM in the News

BDSM apparently becoming more popular in India, along with sex toys!!
Punjabi women buy most sex toys, sales go up during Navratri in Gujarat: Survey
“The most bought role play costume is that of a nurse, while the most popular kinky product is handcuffs.”

I’ve been saying it for years…and scientists are just catching up!!
BDSM hurts so good — study says it will blow your mind
“It’s a practice that allows you to completely let go of internal and external stress so that you can fully immerse yourself in the present moment.”

A dungeon in the forest – how kinky!
‘Explore pain, experience pleasure and fulfil your fantasies’: Australians among 500 swingers descending on a quaint English town for a debauched forest sex festival
“Festival-goers to Flamefest are encouraged to ‘explore pain, experience pleasure and fulfill their fantasies’ at the ‘mystical site’ in Kent, southeast of London.”

Old-Guard rules gradually eroding away – good or bad?
Inside the Changing Leather Scene
“There’s always been a tension in the leather community between the “old guard” and “new guard.” One has always been more conservative and devoted to tradition; the other more experimental and open to change.”


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Online Discussions – Sweat Not the Trolls

The BDSM world is unique, but not supernatural. Even on the cover of my book ENERGY and BDSM, I speak of the “dark and mysterious” world of BDSM. Well, what we do in the dungeon may be dark and mysterious. And some of the ways we interact with each other may have a level of “mystique” to them. But the reality is that kinksters are normal people with normal lives just like everyone else on the planet – no matter how much they may attempt to glorify their kinkiness on internet profiles.

This is something to keep in mind when you’re wandering through the “alternative reality” that is internet BDSM. And I’m not talking about porn or those “virtual ” games… no. I’m referring to the very real online  charade that goes on day after day on BDSM dating sites and social sites – like FetLife.

If you are a submissive male seeking companionship or more with a Dominant female, understand that  posting a profile on FetLife and calling yourself a Domme, does not mean someone has their shit together in real life. Think about it, with 3.6 MILLION users as of 2015, don’t you think that SOME pissed off, miserable, man-hating hags got through??

You betcha.

Some of you may like to hang out in the discussion groups for conversation,  entertainment, learning, or even to up your chances to meet someone. Some of these women who apparently lead miserable lives have decided to set up FetLife profiles and pose as “Dominant” women rather than “pissed off at the world – especially men.” (Would make a great FetLife profile category, huh?) And lots of them LOVE to hang out in the discussion groups.

I’ve been on FetLife since about 2008. Dragos was not my first profile. I’ve been around the block a few times, but decided to become more anonymous since publishing ENERGY and BDSM.  Submissive guys, there are GREAT, loving, caring, good-hearted women out there who appreciate what you are!! I know the search is tough and the pickings are slim. But don’t give up. And don’t let the man-haters of FetLife get you down. They like to get into the discussions and pick apart the topic, and/or individual’s responses to the topic. They’ll act like they are just joining the discussion, but then attack someone. They aren’t able to say “this is my opinion..XYZ” and then carry on with their lives. They are clearly the type of sad individual who must confront everybody for THEIR opinions and show that person their folly for thinking or speaking in such a way.

I recently had a couple if these biddies jump into a discussion that I started. I checked around into other discussions they had joined into, and they were doing the exact same thing – criticizing the OP, criticizing the topic, or how it was presented…criticizing other people (men) in the forum for their opinions and thoughts – basically trying to de-rail the discussion and send it crashing off a cliff. This makes them feel good, apparently. Like a vandal who paints graffiti on something is proud that he “left his mark” somewhere.

My advice to you, single sub-males, is to learn to recognize these life forms for what they are early on and not engage them. As a sub male, especially in a “sub male and Dominant women” type forum – it’s a losing proposition, because the other old cranks will come out of the woodwork and gang up. Just keep your polite conversation with the more civil folk, and let the male-haters fizzle out and seek other quarry. Remember, for every person that posts in a thread, about ten others read the thread without posting.

I do engage them – first because I’m in a dynamite committed relationship and I have nothing to lose. Second, I’m always marketing. Any publicity is good publicity. The other day, while a team of would-be Domme-Nazis picked and pecked at a topic I’d started, and demanded that the discussion was settled so I should shut up – I sat and watched visits to my personal blog going up and up. And I cleared several sales of my book in that 12 hour period.

Mistress Oasis finally stepped in and spoke her peace, which resulted in a couple of very nice PMs from submissives who had seen the post and thanked her for defending sub-males. Eventually the discussion died down and the man-haters moved on. They are still doing the exact same thing on other threads.

I’m not sure why these women are here, claiming to be Dominant women who love submissive men. But they are here. Don’t be fooled by the title. Watch their words and how they interact with men in those threads. Apparently, intelligent, outspoken, confident, and successful don’t count as “submissive” in their eyes.


Find my books at (Click on the images to go to the book page)

Photo Shoot Today!

As part of our marketing strategy to promote my book, Energy and BDSM, Mistress Oasis and I did a little photo shoot at home, using our phones and a Go-Pro. Here are some of the edited photos. We had a LOT of fun doing these…


Do I not have absolutely the most Beeeautiful Mistress in the world!! (With a heart to match!!)

This was a fun pic. I’m not all about getting shoe heels in the keister, but the imagery came out really powerful. So, if you have some Dominant/submissive high-heeled fantasies – let your mind soar as you gaze at this shot!!



The shoes and that beautiful whip are indeed sexy, but it’s the woman who wears it and wields it all that truly makes my heart race.

I thought a chain attached to my P.A. piercing would look cool. Mistress Oasis found a position and an angle that made it look AWESOME!! Without reservation, this woman has my heart and love … completely.

One of Mistress Oasis’ favorite toys. A dragon tail made of rubber. It leaves marks….nice marks.



CBT – I love CBT! And some of my favorite CBT techniques is weights hanging from a parachute attached to my balls. Mistress likes this activity too. 😉


I’m kept in a chastity cage most of the time, except when Mistress Oasis is using my manhood for her enjoyment.













By far my favorite photo – and the one I use for all my profiles and social media. You’re looking at the world’s luckiest sub!














Another view of that amazing dress Mistress Oasis wore for our marketing shoot.












We wanted a good shot that represented the love and bond we share. So many people depict FemDom relationships as cruel and harsh at all times. To be certain, Mistress Oasis and I share lots of gentle and loving times together. It’s the bedrock of our relationship.















Some of these have Mistress Oasis’ name on them, some have mine. We both promote my book, each from several social sites.

Keep checking in – I’m still editing more images!!


– Dragos

Click here to get FemDom Dating at AMAZON
Click here to get Energy and BDSM at AMAZON



It’s Not Easy

This lifestyle is not easy. Being a submissive is not easy. Being a Dominant is not easy. Incorporating this stuff into general life is not easy. I believe the fact that Mistress Oasis and I (and thousands of others around the globe) go through the rigors and challenges required to be able to incorporate this lifestyle into our daily lives is a testament to how powerful a thing this lifestyle truly is, once you let it become more than just a really intense way to have sex.

In “ENERGY and BDSM,” I give the reader a peek into our lives. However, there are things I don’t discuss. Quite simply, Mistress Oasis and I do not wish for every detail of our lives to be on display. Everybody prefers to have some level of privacy in their lives.

However, here’s a little more of what’s behind the curtain:

Although we are two consenting adults, and are in a better position than many out there to follow our hearts and live this lifestyle to the hilt, the reality is that there are still limitations and hurdles. Since we run a business in the vanilla world, there are demands on our time and resources. As much as we do infuse our dynamic into our daily lives to the extent possible, we simply are not free to be entirely “us” 100% of the time.

As a submissive, I cannot act or speak naturally at all times. I have a strong personality – I’m a fixer, a trouble shooter, a straight talker. I’m constantly at battle with myself not to be overbearing in my speech or action because I want and need to be in a place that is subservient to her. However, I’m trusted to be decisive and bold in my responsibilities to the business. For efficiency’s sake, there is scant room for me to have to ask permission for each decision I make. When focused and intent, my words can sometimes be quick and sharp.  I try to balance that part of me with the man in me who is most at peace when kneeling at her feet. But, having been a survivor in the real world for so long, it’s a challenge to soften that edge of my personality. It simply comes too naturally.

Mistress Oasis is strong and bold – caring little of what others say or think about what she does or says. Many a fool in her past made the dire mistake of telling her that she wouldn’t amount to anything. They only succeeded in lighting a fire in her that still burns today. If they really wanted to accomplish destroying her will, perhaps they should have kept repeating, “You’re a wonderful person and everyone loves you just the way you are…” But, they didn’t tell her that. So, she set about hammering her mark into the world and her success has far surpassed that of all her nay-sayers.

I love her because she beat back all of her detractors simply by putting the pedal down and moving full speed ahead. But, she’s not a stone. She has a heart that never seems to run out of space for those she cares for. She’s one of those who has taken in a lot of strays. Not animals – people. While I’m a “fixer,” she is a “healer.” She wants to heal those who seem to have been cast aside by the world. (Maybe there is something in that heart that wants to heal all the people who have heard too many of the same things she was told for so long.) I’m in love with this part of her, too.

Being a Dominant is no easier than being a submissive. I know that she is constantly balancing a desire to completely control me with an equally strong desire not to hurt me or make me feel unloved. It is that real concern for me and my wellness that draws me in deeper. Some may say that she isn’t “dominant enough” because she cares too much about my happiness. There are too many out there saying, “It’s all about me. You serve my interests and yours don’t matter.”  I know that’s a nice fantasy but it would be a very empty life, I think – unless one was a pathological narcissist. Yeah…dream on, Ye frosty Queens of the ice regions!

It’s that balance we try to keep that makes this hard. So much easier our lives would be if we simply made this something that we do for a great fuck! However, that’s not who we are. These “roles” come to us too naturally. And, too often we have to “shelve” our real selves because life requires that we attend to it.

I’m quick to point out to people that it’s impossible to be in our BDSM mindset 24/7, no matter what anyone claims to have. I’m also the first to regret that reality. Perhaps that’s why the Gor books were so popular. I read a couple of them out of curiosity, but have always been skeptical of those who try with all of their might to emulate a work of fiction in their own lives. But, I see where such a world in which naked slaves are led through the streets, used, and sold at a whim can be so very intriguing – maybe even to a point of obsession.

The reality is that incorporating D/s and sadomasochism regularly into our lives takes work, and balance. It takes understanding and empathy. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen all by itself. But, I know that this is who I am. I love the one who holds my key and I’ll be happy with however much of this I can get.

“No Limits”

How much of a “slave” can one be in a consensual relationship?

As I’m bouncing around the internet to market my book, I’m on all the big social sites. I like to browse around looking at other kinky people’s profiles and postings for ideas. Sometimes, I run into someone’s blog and, again, I’ll read through it to get ideas for my own here.

I’m amazed that I keep finding people who pontificate over the concept of total ownership, complete control, absolute and unmitigated submission – and “no safe words.” (No, this will not be a finger-wagging post about safety…read on.)

In the interest of full-disclosure, I chose to call myself “Slave Dragos” because it sounds really cool – a lot better than “Submissive Dragos.” I even start my  book “ENERGY and BDSM” with a very intriguing introduction:
“I lead a life that most only read or hear about in sordid novels or risque movies – I am a male slave.”
In fact, within a few sentences, I clarify that I’m a “submissive” for those who wish to debate such things.

Mistress Oasis refers to me as her “slave.” However, I do have and can use safe-words. My rights, feelings and needs are respected. We even have this dreaded discussion from time-to-time:
“What would you like for lunch, Miss?”
“I don’t know…what are you in the mood for?”
“Makes no difference to me, Miss. Would you like some of that roast beef in the fridge?”
“Why don’t we just order something for delivery.”
“I’d be happy to, Miss…who should I call?”
“I don’t know – what do you what?”

Now, does THAT sound like slavery to you??

But, I still find these musings online by people claiming to be “slaves” and having no rights or say in anything, or by Dominants, “Masters” and “Mistresses” discussing the differences and nuances between a
“submissive” and a “slave.”

I noticed a blog last week by a woman in which the introduction said that this was a blog about her journey as a slave, who had given up everything – family, possessions, her very will to be completely owned by her Mistress. No rights, no limits, and NO SAFE WORDS!

My question would be this: Would anyone of sound mind consciously agree to such an arrangement if they didn’t believe to some extent that this person they are going to give up “everything” for is, indeed, going to respect their physical and mental needs. I mean, seriously, one makes a conscious decision to serve this person for certain <i>reasons<i>. Something about that person is attracting the “slave” to this arrangement. Would anyone truly agree to “give up their will” if they did not expect some psychological reward from the act? Is that “slavery.”

Examining the “No Safe Words” claim of such arrangements, I find even more fantasy rather than rationality. I think most people associate safe words with sadistic activity, the basic rule of thumb being, “If it’s bad pain and not good pain, use your safe word.” However, I can use a safe word (or explanation in plain terms) even to stop non-sadistic activity. One of my staunch hard limits is humiliation in front of others. I absolutely do not wish to be the butt of everyone’s humor, especially when already in the vulnerable state of submission, nudity…everything that comes from being the sub in a scene. In the safety of private play, I truly let myself go and there is little that Mistress Oasis could say or do to me that I wouldn’t embrace if I knew it pleased her. But, that primal part of me is hers, and hers alone to witness and exploit for her
pleasure. So, it is possible for me to safe-word if we were in a public scene and I felt that things were moving toward a humiliation aspect. But, she knows me well enough to never humiliate me in public.  Nor would she want to.

I can see where, if I were a “real slave,” I might not be permitted to change the direction of a scene if it became humiliating. But, why would I be there and endure it if that were the case? Well, I can imagine that, for some, the very notion of enduring something that they genuinely don’t enjoy for the sake of their owner’s pleasure is – in itself – a rewarding experience. Indeed, I think every real submissive has a level of martyrdom in him/her. (By “real” submissive, I refer to the difference between one who submits because
they derive pleasure from pleasing their Dominant versus those who act in submissive ways for their own sexual satisfaction.)

With that established, let’s look at “No Limits” and “No Safe Words” through the prism of physical sadistic activity. Since giving up being a switch, and embracing submission fully, I’ve pushed myself way beyond what I ever thought I could take pain-wise on several occasions. I’ve personally been in that place where the pain is no longer “good,” I’m no longer turned on by it, and it hurts like hell – and yet I consciously and rationally choose not to call a safe word to stop or de-escalate the activity.

WHY?? The answer lies in that connection I have with Mistress Oasis and my love for her. I may be miserable at that time. But, I know that this is the moment where her heart melts and she falls in love with me all over again. Something about seeing me cringing, shivering and quaking – clearly in “endurance” mode – allowing her to strike with all her might, really pushes her buttons, and brings us to a place of deep love and adoration. I want that. So, who am I really a slave to? I believe at that moment I’m a slave to myself, as I’m the one denying myself the rescue that could easily be invoked with a safe-word.

What about the “slave” with no safe word? Are they not in the same head space as I’m in? But now, what happens if the “no safe word” slave realizes that an actual injury has occurred? Are we to believe that these slaves’ expectation is that their owners have the absolute right to continue on with a scene in such a case? And, to say, “Well, my Master would stop if he knew I was injured…” doesn’t really jibe with the whole “no safe-word” theme, does it? Wouldn’t saying ,”Oh SHIT! I think my kidney just ruptured!” or “OW! My right nut just suddenly got really, really painful!” count as “SAFE-WORDS?”

Or, would the “No Limits” slave actually be fine with their owner replying with “Hey, this is what you signed up for. I’m having fun…deal with it.” ??

I’ve also heard the argument, “I obey fully and have no say in anything my Master does, but I know he wouldn’t do anything to really hurt or damage me.” Okay, well that means the “slave” has given up their rights and choices under certain agreed conditions – mainly that Master won’t cross certain lines nor
breach certain limits. OOPS, there’s that pesky “L-word” again! And, if Master does decide to ignore those conditions, what is the “slave’s” recourse. Well, here in the USA, that person ultimately has the right to pack their shit and say “ADIOS.” At that point, if Master endeavors to restrain that person, or prevent their departure, then we have criminal laws to deal with that. Hey, look at how many news stories have surfaced in the last 10 years about women who signed “slave contracts,” and later sued or filed criminal charges against their Master.

I have no problem with anyone who calls themselves “slave,” “submissive,” “bottom,” “kajira,” – whatever. Again, Mistress Oasis and I use “Slave” and “Submissive” interchangably. But, when I see someone figuratively beating their chest as they pontificate on how they are a total slave, with no rights, no safe words, and no will of their own, I cannot help but wonder if they know just how unrealistic their claims are.

My Switch Perspective

One little confession I make in my book “Energy and BDSM” is that I haven’t always been a submissive. I was previously a switch – deriving almost equal pleasure from topping and bottoming, delivering pain and receiving pain. My daydreams and secret thoughts when I was a very young boy revolved around subduing girls, and being subdued myself… hurting girls and seeing their distress, and being tortured by a woman taking gleeful pride in making me cry out in my own pain. I remember reading a passage in a book a long time ago of a woman whom the author knew who said she couldn’t even make love anymore unless someone was being hurt. I knew exactly what that felt like.

When I first stepped into the “community” in my early twenties, I immediately identified as a “Dom.”

But of course! I was a young man, full of testosterone and attitude. I was just a year out of the military, very Alpha male – I had a lot to prove to the world. Certainly, I wasn’t going to be a sub!

I diligently studied safety, aftercare, technique, and mental aspects of being a Dominant. I loved securing my (then) wife to the bed or to eyehooks we had up in the ceiling, and doing all of the deliciously devious things to her I had only fantasized about all through my boyhood.

But all that didn’t quench the masochist in me. The fact was that I always felt a screaming need to be hurt as well. Sometimes, I could convince her to do some of the things to me that I wanted to experience. But it never quite felt “right” having these things done by someone who needed convincing.

Our divorce some four years later opened up new opportunities for me to explore the BDSM world. I spent many years identifying as a “Dom,” then later a switch – but I continued to date submissive women.

I’ve always been self-sufficient. Early on, I’d learned to cook for myself, do my own laundry, and clean an apartment for myself. Hell, I even know how sew in case something gets ripped. Perhaps it’s OCD but I’ve always preferred to do things for myself rather than depend on anyone else to do them for me because, after all, I know exactly how I want it done.

Later, as these submissive women would try to do things around the house for me, I wouldn’t let them, mainly out of feeling as if I was putting them out. I never wanted to be that slob on the couch telling his girlfriend “go get me this” and “go make me that.” If I needed something from the fridge, I was perfectly capable of standing up, and getting it myself. I ironed my own work clothes, and folded laundry. I helped with house cleaning because, hell, why should she be made to do all that?

The fact was, I wasn’t a “Dominant.”

I was a great “TOP.” My play was creative, energetic, even spiritual. I was great at taking control once the scene started, and maintaining it well into the aftercare. But, I was just never any good at sitting back, and letting anyone “do” for me – especially anything I could easily do for myself.

I remember dating a sub who had once been an owned slave – very highly protocoled. The first time she had me over, and made dinner for me, she set the table, and put all the food down, then waited for me to give her permission to sit. She then waited again for permission to eat! I quickly saw this as way too much nonsense, and explained (after about the third time this happened) that I wasn’t “that” kind of Dom and that she was free to sit and eat whenever it suited her.

It wasn’t until later, when I chose to pursue submission (over just being a bottom) that I really understood the “need” for service – actually doing things on a constant basis to reinforce the adoration I have for the one who controls me. What a revelation!

While I have to admit that there is some guilt for not understanding this need in the subs that I dated in the past, I think my experiences as a Top makes me a better submissive in the end. Knowing the kinds of behaviors that I used to enjoy seeing from a sub when I was in charge of things allows me to be less inhibited in front of Mistress Oasis. I’ve also realized the deep satisfaction of letting go of all control – even if just for a few hours – and doing only what I’m commanded and directed. In day to day life, Mistress Oasis prefers that I be somewhat autonomous. Because we run a business, she cannot be harnessed with the responsibility of telling me what to do from one moment to the next. But, when we do take a little time to be fully in our roles, availing myself completely to her whims and desires is like a mini-vacation.

So, yes – through all those years I suppressed the submissive man deep inside of me, I missed out on a lot. But, is was not all in vain. I’m able to apply much of what I learned and experienced as a Top to my submissive life now, and make it absolutely phenomenal.